wrap my mind around it.
Let's face it. I am currently going through a life changing experience and truth to be told, I can't quite wrap my mind around it yet. In the natural progression of things, this is always what I dreamed of. Yet, this is not quite how I thought it would be, though it sure as hell is how it should be. That's because I honestly thought that I was going to be stuck in what I was always stuck in because that's how it seemed it would always be. But suddenly, we were blessed with good luck. So big was that luck that it gained it's life changing status.
And as crazy as it seems, I am afraid it changes us to become things that we are not. Things that don't make us better, because it is so, so, so life changing. If I say life changing again, someone's got to smack me for my lack of better words. I'm so afraid that sometimes, I feel like I am in denial. Like this good luck can be taken away from me, any time, any when and that I shouldn't bask in all this happiness way too soon because we really don't know now, do we?
Now, don't get me wrong, I really am very happy. But it's something I need time to adapt to, because I am so used to something else? I know that once I get used to all of this, I would be the last person who would want it to go back to where it was before.
It felt funny yesterday when we were eating together and for the first time, we were not chasing buses or planes. We weren't working on a deadline or interview questions or resumes. We weren't talking about "what ifs". He was there. Really there. In flesh and blood. Literally at arms length. With me. And we were more relaxed than we have been in a long, long time.
In retrospect, I can even feel bile rise just thinking about it. As emotional as that seems, it's something no one would understand unless they go through this experience themselves. Just thinking about how surreal everything is puts my stomach in knots because I have had good things taken away from me before. And it was ugly and so was I and it wasn't easy.
And like I said, I really am very happy, honest. I mean, please. From not meeting him at all to the possibility of bumping into him at every traffic light possible? Hey, this girl's gone from zero to hero, alright.
I just need some time to wrap my mind around it and to convince myself that this will not be taken away from me too fast too soon. Because this isn't something too good to be true, too fast too soon. It was something we have always, always dreamed of.
And I shall continue to dream.
And as crazy as it seems, I am afraid it changes us to become things that we are not. Things that don't make us better, because it is so, so, so life changing. If I say life changing again, someone's got to smack me for my lack of better words. I'm so afraid that sometimes, I feel like I am in denial. Like this good luck can be taken away from me, any time, any when and that I shouldn't bask in all this happiness way too soon because we really don't know now, do we?
Now, don't get me wrong, I really am very happy. But it's something I need time to adapt to, because I am so used to something else? I know that once I get used to all of this, I would be the last person who would want it to go back to where it was before.
It felt funny yesterday when we were eating together and for the first time, we were not chasing buses or planes. We weren't working on a deadline or interview questions or resumes. We weren't talking about "what ifs". He was there. Really there. In flesh and blood. Literally at arms length. With me. And we were more relaxed than we have been in a long, long time.
In retrospect, I can even feel bile rise just thinking about it. As emotional as that seems, it's something no one would understand unless they go through this experience themselves. Just thinking about how surreal everything is puts my stomach in knots because I have had good things taken away from me before. And it was ugly and so was I and it wasn't easy.
And like I said, I really am very happy, honest. I mean, please. From not meeting him at all to the possibility of bumping into him at every traffic light possible? Hey, this girl's gone from zero to hero, alright.
I just need some time to wrap my mind around it and to convince myself that this will not be taken away from me too fast too soon. Because this isn't something too good to be true, too fast too soon. It was something we have always, always dreamed of.
And I shall continue to dream.
.jpeg)
Comments