September 21, 2017

my son turned 5, and I cried.

Went through my draft list and found a post written on April 3rd, 2017. And decided to post this anyway, for memory's sake.

Somehow, my son turning 5 turned into an emotional event for me. 

I guess the whole year leading to his 5th birthday was such a roller coaster ride, that seeing how much he's grown in a year somehow overwhelmed me. 

And I thought... if I'm this overwhelmed, imagine how overwhelmed he is.

Since the birth of Ayesha, I think I have become so much harder on him.

I imposed on him the Big Brother Role because I believed that he was ready to take it on. And I do actually believe that he is ready. But then, despite being so mentally prepared to be a Mom of Two (or so I thought), due to my lack of readiness in dealing with 2 children with such vastly different needs, I did not have the patience to let the role sink in.

I just demanded that he get along with the programme, just like I did.

In turn, it made him stronger, tougher. Not sure about being more responsible voluntarily, but he took on the simple roles I made him do to make him understand that I would no longer do them for him anymore because I had more than just him to care for -- and that Ayesha is part of that little world which used to belong to only us.

And (with much resentment) he understood... he really did. And with that came the change which I so demanded out of him... (I'm not too sure I like them all...)

And there is not a day where I don't wonder if I've damaged him by being so hard, so tough, so demanding.

There are days when I would stare out into space with a blank look on my face and tears would form out of the "no thoughts" in my head.

Some days it got so bad, that once my friend had to convince me that I was doing fine... and that if I wasn't , my children would not be thriving as well as they did... that I am enough.

Haih...

Right this moment, I am able to command some kind of "fear" just by raising my eyebrows at him over something he did or said... Right this moment, I'm okay with that although some mothers will agree to disagree with me and my methods.

But my baby a year ago... is no longer "that baby".  And I'm pretty sure that in another year... he'll be another version of himself.

And I honestly don't know how to feel about that.

September 10, 2017

my and the social media.

Blogging used to be so much fun. Sharing used to be so much fun.

But now, I feel like everything you say could be used against you in the most adverse way possible. 

And as much as I don't get why, I do somehow believe in the "evil eye", which I believe is the very reason I have so much hesitance in posting anything because the question I keep asking myself every.single.time I feel like sharing anything now is...,

"Motip?"

Somehow, I feel that these questions I keep asking myself stem from my own annoyance with the influx of unnecessary information on social media of late (like on Instagram, for instance).

I keep wondering why people share the things they do and to be completely honest, there are times when their postings make me feel somewhere between annoyance and jealousy, which is totally and completely ridiculous! And not to mention unhealthy! Because surely, there was no malice intent in their postings as they were just sharing. It's called SHARING, Hanisa!

And still!

It goes to show that although I am not an evil person in general, I do at times question other people's motives when they share something, when it's really none of my business! So I keep imagining having an evil person looking at my innocent postings with an evil eye and that sets off alarms which puts me in a whole new level of paranoia.

So anyways, my Instagram is a little dead right now because I don't know how much of myself I'm willing to expose (such an ironic statement considering the activities going on in this blog haha) and though I'm not sure why I blog anymore apart from wanting to have some keepsakes for my own future reference, here I am sharing away some of my life because here's where I feel the "safest".

I do sometimes wonder if I'm the only one having such chronic love-hate with the social media.

September 08, 2017

where do I even begin?

There really isn't anyone or anything to blame for my absence from this space. I've lost count of the many times I've stared into this "Compose" space and wondered,

"Where do I begin?"

Because between then (read: the last post) and now... so many things have taken place. And each time I think of everything that has happened during that space of time, my reactions range from anxiety to relief to sadness. Worst still, there are times when they're all bundled as one huge feeling ... and that's when it becomes overbearingly overwhelming.

Like it is today. 

And just so happens, both my babies are sound asleep and I'm running on more caffeine that usual, which is why I'm still awake. So, I decided to come back to this "old friend" of mine to see if I could "unload" ... in hopes that I would feel a whole lot better later.

So, anyway, I digress. Let's get back to where I should begin.

Because really. After all this time, how do I even begin?

Shall we begin with the multiple clinic visits and  hospitalisations that happened 2 weeks apart in the span of 6 weeks?

Or should we start with how my relationship with my son has changed since he turned 5?

Maybe we could begin with how a long distance relationship has shaped and affected the dynamics of this clingy clan I have called my nucleus family?

Or should we start with how different I have become since I've had no choice but to be strong? And also how much I resent being "tough" at times?

Or shall we begin with how strongly I have been feeling lately about how unappreciated working women are in general and how my contributions somehow seem insignificant no matter how much I put in?

Really. With all of these going through my head. Is there really anywhere that I can begin?

All I know is that I no longer know how to unload this load on my back, in brain and everywhere else that hurts. Which is why I'm back here right now, trying to let some of that pain go.

Because I think that August is the straw that broke the camel's back. And I really need an outlet to let go.

In August, I was physically and emotionally stretched -- both at home and at work. If felt like such a long month (it is a long month with 31 days to begin with) and each day felt like a neverending battle against time. By the end of each working day, I just wanted to get back home to my babies -- but I didn't really want to. I'm not sure if that makes any sense at all, but I'm sure some people would understand how it is that I feel. And that unhealthy cycle just went on and on and on -- like a carousel that wouldn't stop.

Hence here I am -- looking green and sick. Sick from the routine. And sick of being tired. If I had to pick one word that could succinctly explain my current feelings -- it would be jaded.

So, now that I've unloaded some of that off... how does a jaded person like me even begin? Really. I'd really like to know how do I even begin.