100 days til the end of the year

... and this seemed apt -

"When it's your turn, it doesn't matter if you're at the back of the line. God will move you to the front.".

Because the truth is that Allah is the only branch, which you hold on to, that will never break.

And when you take care of the things you NEED to take care of lillahita'ala, everything else will fall into place. You just have to TRUST that some things are beyond your control and beyond the control of those around you as well, and that everything and everyone is at the time and place they are meant to be at.

The Four Promises.

These past 2 weeks have been an amazing time for my little family. 

Despite the amount of convincing I had to do at the office, I managed to get my long leave approved... just because I needed to take a break. Not sure what kind of music I'll be facing when I get back to the mothership on Monday... but I know that it'll be worth it.

And to make use of this long break, we held a little Birthday Lunch for our kids with family and close friends, we went on a little holiday by the beach, we huddled to sleep together on the daily, played house and let the kids have extended bedtimes, just for the fun of it.

During this break, I've also been able to have some real conversations with my husband about all the things that matter; life, future, properties and religion. 

And on the topic of religion, we talked about what it felt like to feel so "removed" from Allah. 

Because truth to be told, of late, I have felt that way one too many times. And I don't know why.

Well, even if I did know why, there's actually very little that I can do to change it -- and therein lies the problem.

Because you see, as a mother, you are required to give 200% of yourself to motherhood -- even when you don't want to. So, being a "single parent" means that you've got to give double the attention and TLC to your kids, which means that you'd have very little of anything left to yourself... including time with your God. 

I know that children shouldn't be the reason but anyone who's been in my reality would know that I don't at all intend to use my children as a reason and honestly, I really miss time with my God. 

Having some time off from work gave me time to think about how to improve my relationship with God. Because like I said before, I miss my time alone with Him. So, I figured, even if I could no longer spend hours in prostration to Him, maybe I could just open up to Him right before I sleep and pray -- as in pray hard and submit to Him wholly (tawakkal) with hopes that whatever deeds I have done for the day would be enough.

And so, my journey of total submissiveness began. While putting my kids to sleep, I prayed,

"Ya Allah, please help me Ya Allah. I don't know what else I should do."

And that is really all it took.

Total submissiveness was really all that was required for Allah to bring light on my plight. 

Therefore, I am writing this today so that (you and) I shall never forget the 4 promises - 

(1) Remember Me, and I will remember you;

(2) Ask Me, and I shall give you;

(3) If you give thanks, I will give you more; and

(4) Allah will not punish them while they seek forgiveness. 

So, whatever you do, whatever you problems, don't give up on praying. 

It really isn't too late to ask. 

considering a different kind of binge.

38 weeks this weekend, which means there's about 2 weekends to go before I pop -- if all things go well, which I obviously continuously pray for.

Speaking of praying... 

The other day, I thought about how much I would miss praying when in confinement because well, most of us would have to go through a period in which we wouldn't be allowed to pray, which in my case is normally really long.

I noticed that most pregnant women would binge-eat before they gave birth because they say they would miss all those "forbidden foods" during confinement and OF COURSE I am no exception, but somehow... after that revelation, I kind of thought maybe I should consider binge-praying too.

Sometimes though, I notice how people (sadly other Muslims) make making prayer seem like such a big.unattainable.deal. that people taking baby steps like myself tend to believe that our baby steps are just not enough. 

Thing is, who are we (humans) to decide whether or not one's prayer is enough? 

"Our Lord descends during the last third of each night to the lower heaven, and says: 'Is there anyone who calls on Me that I may respond to him? Is there anyone who asks Me that I may give unto him? Is there anyone who requests My Forgiveness that I may forgive him?'" -- Y A S M I N  M O G A H E D; Reclaim Your Heart

I talked this out with a few of my Very Trusted and I was encouraged when they told me to carry on. After all, "amalan yang disukai Allah, adalah yang terus menerus (istiqamah) walaupun sedikit...". Well, at least that's what I've gathered from my reading.

And although I've got to admit that maintaining consistency is difficult, I'm also happy to report that these one-to-one prayer sessions have borne fruits -- and better still, immediately, unexpectedly and precisely -- as in specific answers to questions and requests. If you asked me, that is A M A Z I N G, to say the least. 

Well, anyway. Here I am at (almost) 38 weeks, still standing. It's been a somewhat different third trimester experience for me this time round and although I am hoping that my labour would be just as uneventful as the last, I think I am mentally prepared if things don't turn out the way I want them to because "Allah knows and you know not...". 

I'm on the final leg of this journey so please do wish us the best of luck! 

when finding a purpose.

"Whoever makes the Hereafter his preoccupation, then Allah places freedom from want in his heart, gathers his affairs, and Dunya (wordly life) comes to him despite being reluctant to do so. And whoever makes Dunya his preoccupation, then Allah places poverty in front of his eyes, makes his affairs scattered, and nothing of Dunya comes to him except that which has been decreed for him"

- Y A S M I N  M O G A H E D

Probably one of my most favourite quotes from Reclaim Your Heart. 

And honestly like a nutshell of both my 2014 and 2015 in a short long story. 

Sometimes I need to be reminded that piety and piousness don't always come in the most overt of forms. 

But rather, it is in the underlying purpose in whatever we do, that matters. 

Sure, we've got to strike a balance between that and niat tak menghalalkan cara. 

But seeing for myself the stark differences on how 2014 and 2015 turned out for me, I've got to say -- it's worth the shot. 

When finding a purpose, Hereafter is your shot.

it was all in my head.

 "Dimulakan dengan Bismillah, diakhiri dengan Alhamdulillah."

 -Raihan

 The above is so basic. But basic may not always come naturally to everyone.

In this time and age, I find that we are quick to critique and slow to thank.

And of course, I am no exception to this general rule.

But then again, it's not that I don't try to. It's just that on some days...

Some days, like the other day on 155/365, I lost it, just.like.that. At first, I was just fuming and babbling to myself, then, I went into full-on rage mode, yelling and scolding my son (the obvious victim) and while he cried his heart out for the the first 2 times I yelled at him, the third time it happened, he just stopped crying. He stopped responding to my yelling altogether and just looked up to me with eyes full of wonderment; most probably wondering what on earth did he do wrong this time.

Truth is, he did nothing wrong. He was just being his own clingy, manja self and all he wanted was his Mama. And I? I was just wondering why there seem to be no end to the string of things I had to do. I felt alone in a room full of people, I felt like I was alone in everything that I did. I felt like it was all on me, me and me. For no good reason, really.

After I realised what I did, I knelt down to his level, hugged him and apologised profusely for what I did.

And you know what he did?

He hugged me back, and said,

"It's okay, Mama. Jom semayang sama-sama?"

And laid his mini sejadah next to mine.

Next thing I know, I was crying. When we were done with our prayers, he sat on my lap and looked right into my eyes.

"Mama nangis ke?" he said while he wiped my tears.

"Mama tak sihat ke?" and he continued to hug me tight.

And he said all of this, in the pitch-darkness of the room.

All waterworks broke lose. 

At that time, I came to the realisation that all this while, I was never alone. Allah had sent me this little angel from heaven, put him in my womb so he could hear my heart beating from the inside, so that he would know what it feels like, even when he was on the outside--- looking in.

I was so busy getting things done, and being so obsessive about putting things in order, that I forgot to say my thanks, especially to Allah, for all the things I have been blessed with; for the roof on top of my head, for an amazing husband, for a wonderful child and an overall very blessed life, which many can only dream of ever having.

Thereafter, I tried my best to be grateful for all the little things, all the big things, all the right things, all the wrong things. And I tried my best not to bottle things up too much, too long. Because I now realise that it was all in my head. And what's in my head can really get to me, like it had previously gotten to me.

But like I said in my previous post, I am a work in progress. I guess to a certain extent we all are because though we sometimes think that we've got it all figured out, we really don't. Indeed, Allah is the turner of hearts. So we should never be so sure.

What we can be sure of is -

 that Allah promises, "Verily with hardship comes ease." (Quran, 94:5).

So, look for a good in every bad. And be thankful, no matter what the situation.

And most importantly, don't let your head, get to your head because get this -- life isn't perfect, for anyone.

"We say this life isn't perfect. And it isn't. It isn't perfectly good. But, it isn't perfectly bad, either... [..] I think the trap we fall into is rooted in the belief that this life can be perfect -- perfectly good or perfectly bad. However, that's not the nature of dunya (this life). That's the nature of the hereafter. The hereafter is saved for the perfection of things. Jannah (paradise) is perfectly and completely good. There is no bad in it. And Jahannam (hell - may Allah protect us) is perfectly and completely bad. There is no good in it." (Reclaim Your Heart, Yasmin Mogahed)

untuk apa (siapa), sebenarnya?

It's been a while.

Before I continue, I'm going to forewarn you that this post may make my previous post sound like a total fraud. But this is necessary because each time I think about writing about all things good, I always come back to this particular part of my life, wherein I feel like THIS; this indescribable emptiness despite the rainbows and butterflies in my life

And to be honest, I think it's contributed by my not feeling fulfilled at work, where I spend most of hours in a day.

xxx

 

When I was working with my former boss, I used to question her alot on the reasons behind the things she did, out of sheer curiousity. And most of the time, she would tell me that she does the things she does not just to please her superiors or bosses, but rather because that's just who she is.

She always told me that we've got to be proud of our work, no matter how little the work is; and that our work is a reflection of ourselves. It doesn't matter that our friends think our job scope is the least exciting out of all the fields of law or that we aren't real lawyers because we don't go to court. What's important is that WE do the best we can do with the work given and that WE KNOW we have given it our all.

And for a long, long while, it made sense. It made me work real hard. It made me exceed my own expectations. I was doing it for me and it felt good, no matter how much it seemed like I wasn't being recognised for all the things I did and that my disposition seem to have been misinterpreted (rather grossly if I may add) by those who didn't work with me.

It kept me going, even after I stopped working for my former boss.

 

xxx

 Until recently, something broke me. Or rather, something in me broke. 

I started asking questions which I never asked. I started counting hours which I never counted. I started wondering whether there was anything in all of this for me at all. I started wondering if any of all of this was worth it. I didn't know if all my efforts would be paid off, some day, some how.

And I hated myself for being so calculative. I hated myself for being so unlike me. 

xxx

I wish I could tell you that I'm now out of the dark, but sadly, I'm not. This is probably one of the longest periods of time I've been deflated and demotivated over things which are beyond my control (which I'd rather not elaborate) and I'm honestly trying to climb out of this hell hole so that I can say hi to the old Hanisa again.

And so that I could continue to blog about my everyday mishmash to my heart's content (hopefully this out of the blue post would start the ball rolling).

Until I pick up my broken pieces and fix myself up again, watch this space for me (I really do miss blogging). 

♥

I wish that I could draw.

In fact, I wish that I could do a million other things.

I've been feeling this way for a while now, especially since I started religiously exploring other peoples' pictures on their Instagram account but on Thursday, after I watched a short video of another lady with her son, I felt weirdly insecure.

Somehow, I just felt like I wasn't enough. Inadequate as mother, unattractive as a person in general. And as much as I was aware of how highly inappropriate it was for me to feel that way just because of a complete stranger, it didn't make me feel any better about myself.

In fact, if anything, it made me feel worse.

After work, I went back home to my boys, who greeted me with the most dazzling smiles, with Luqman busily telling me what colour his clothes were and what he did at school that day.

We decided to have dinner outside since I had to collect my phone at the office (accidentally left it on my desk). And since Luqman has been talking about "Epsi (KFC)" quite a bit after one of the birthday parties in school, we decided to give him a treat.

I queued like everybody else. There was probably another 3 people before me who were lucky enough to get their meals the moment they ordered but as my turn approached, I heard the customer at the other counter being told that it would be about 10 minutes before the chicken would be ready and be delivered to their table. I almost wanted to get out of line but glanced at my kid who looked so hopeful so I stayed. 

Nak dijadikan kisah, rezeki Maha Suci Allah, when I ordered, the chicken was just pulled out fresh from the oven, so I didn't have to wait another second to be served and my chicken was in all its yummylicious hot perfection.

I brought our coveted tray to the table and put it down in front of my boys.

Luqman got up from his seat and got soooo excited over the chicken saying all kinds of thing like,

"Wow, Mama, banyaknya!"

"Mama, sedapnya wow Mama Espsi, Mama."

"Bishmillahiwahmaniwahim Awahumabawiknana Bimazazaknana Wakiazabana, amin."

And right there and then, his reaction to that simple meal that I almost always take for granted, put me to great, great shame. 

If anything, on that Thursday night, I wish that I could be more grateful.

Little beings like Luqman sure do come into our lives for a good reason. 

So, thank You for that. 

kebebalan yang tak terbendung.

Ada hari-hari yang pastinya aku rasa macam ni.

Iye, ini; perasaan yang aku tak pasti apa namanya tapi yang aku pasti, dia buat aku rasa kosong. 

Seolah-olah tak ada apa dalam dunia ni dah yang boleh nak tolong. 

Kadang-kadang aku fikir juga, apa lah masalah aku ni sebenarnya. 

Aku rasa aku dah ada hampir semua benda yang semua orang hendak belaka tapi tetap hati tu terfikir-fikir apa lagi yang mungkin tak cukup. Mungkin je pun...

Padahal... Haih lah hati.

xxx

Sebenarnya 5, 6 ayat kat atas ni aku tulis minggu lepas, pada hari yang sama. Tapi aku simpan je sebab suka pendam perasaan lah katakan. Bahahaha. 

Tapi dalam pada aku pendam tu, aku memang kaji satu persatu keadaan hidup aku sekarang untuk cari apa pangkal masalah aku ni sebenarnya. ...

Aku betul-betul bingung dengan keadaan sendiri sebab terasa suatu kebebalan yang tak terbendung. Duduk diam rasa bebal, buat kerja rasa bebal... ada semacam satu mental block yang tak tergapai dek kata-kata.

Suami? Jauh sekali.

Anak? Juga tidak. 

Solat? Aku tak berani tak buat. 

Kerja? Aku kerah tenaga dari lapan ke lima.

Jadi, apa masalah aku sebenarnya?

And surprise, surprise...

Bila aku tengok balik jadual seharian... memang ada satu benda yang aku tertinggal atas macam-macam alasan. 

Iaitu? Al-Mathurat. 

xxx

Aku ni jauh sekali daripada alim orangnya. Pakai tudung pun baru-baru ni aja. Bab aurat, kadang-kadang aku pun termasuk dalam golongan "balut, bukan tutup". Hijab tu jauh sekali. Solat tu aku memang cuba jaga walaupun kadang-kadang ada yang terkandas juga... dan untuk complement ibadat aku yang tak seberapa, aku memang cuba baca Al-Mathurat setiap hari. Sebab katanya, walaupun ayatnya ada sikit, tapi banyak hikmat. 

Ada one point dulu dalam hidup aku, aku baca doa-doa tu pagi petang siang malam sebab masa tu tak busy sangat. Haa... tapi di situlah silap aku yang PALING besar. 

Bila dah busy, dah dapat kepercayaan orang lain, dah dapat tanggungjawab untuk handle benda-benda yang masa junior dulu mimpi je lah nak mimpi pun... aku lupa yang  bahawasanya semua kesenangan hati, kepercayaan dan tanggungjawab yang aku dapat tu sebab Allah makbulkan doa aku supaya diberikan rezeki yang baik;

bahawa itulah rezeki aku yang aku minta dan pohon kepada Allah melalui doa-doa aku masa baca Al-Mathurat pagi petang siang malam dulu. 

xxx

 Aku memang selalu macam ni kan?

Orang Melayu kata apa? Sudah terhantuk baru tengadah?

Tapi okaylah, aku tengadah lah juga dan come out of this dengan rasa insaf yang tak terbendung pula dan aku sedar bahawa memang aku ni kerdil benar, sebenarnya.

Thank you Allah, for this reminder. 

xxx

Again, aku ni memang jauh dari alim orangnya tapi bila sendiri teringat, naklah juga mengingat.

Selagi belum kiamat, moh le kita bertaubat.

Okay? Salam hari Jumaat.