March 31, 2016

hormone casserole

Have you ever felt like one?

I certainly have and am certainly feeling like one right.this.moment.

Totally not cool, if you asked me, especially if all waterworks began right after my husband told me "I'll see you on Saturday, okay?"

So.Not. Cool. And ironic to say the least.

Thing is this always, always happens when he's been home more than "normal" -- like when he comes home in the middle of the week for meetings in HQ or he's home for more than 2-3 days, for example.

Thing is, I love him being home! I mean, OF COURSE I love it when he's home. But the parting makes it SEEM like I don't like it that he's home for more than "normal" because it will inadvertently end up with me in tears! And believe you me, that tear-streaked, swollen eyes-nose-face combo does not make a pretty sight for sore-eyes, especially not in the wee hours of the morning, when someone is about to begin a 4-hour long journey!

My husband's confusion after I broke down this morning after he said "I'll see you on Saturday, okay?" was so apparent... just thinking about it (in retrospect of course...) makes all of this seem so funny! Of course, when it was all happening, it wasn't so funny, because right now, I know that I just sounded and looked so silly, haih. But at the time, I just couldn't help it, please!

I (partly) attribute this to my being pregnant of course... and only partly because crying really is my special power, if I ever had to declare any hehe. Plus it would be so unfair to unload all the blame on Adik Baby for all these tears because clearly, it isn't her fault at all.

It's just that... with 16 days (more or less) to go, I'm really not sure how I should feel.

I'm really not sure if there's enough time to do the things that I have to do like stock up home-cooked food for my boy since he's such an eater and he (at least for now, because he doesn't have much of a choice hehe). Plus the fact that there's no packed hospital bag all set and ready in the car (GASP!), which kind of makes me want to kick myself in the teeth, yet at the same time, I'm so beat at the end of the day, I kind of feel like I should cut myself some slack.

And the funny thing is that... I am at the moment, making such a big deal out of the silliest, smallest things -- like whether or not I actually bought that bunny rabbit cap for Adik Baby in the first place?; or whether or not I'd be able to get that cute little cupboard I've been aiming for before I give birth?; or whether or not I'd be able to eat that lovely mango lassi-fruit combo which my ex-boss treated me to again before I go to the labour room; or when I would be able to get all the ingredients needed to make that parfait (probably the only thing I'm craving at this point); or whether I should get a whole month's stock of disposable panties and how much sanitary pads and panties should I be getting again? -- I've gone without my period for so long now that I have forgotten all about them. 

Eh, wait, what on earth am I supposed to bring to the hospital? I've been googling way too much on what not to bring that I now officially don't know what I should bring. And bila nak cuci breastpump parts and bottles ni???

Can you sense my panic? HAHAHAH.

Maybe I should consider going out for lunch. Like right about now?

Sheesh, I think I really am going nuts! Like a walking waddling human hormone casserole!

March 28, 2016

over the weekend

When we first started planning, there were 2 main questions; (1) are the kids invited; and (2) would I be too heavy to make it?

And as it turns out, the answer for both -- is YES! 

While the first made me jump with joy (not literally of course hehe!), the second "yes" made me a little worried. I am, after all 37 weeks pregnant. Be that as it may, I made it! Because missing her wedding (though not really by choice!!!) is making me feel bad enough already, so I was determined to try not miss her Hen Party -- unless I popped sooner.

But, oh, how tame we have gotten with our parties! Not that we were ever that wild to begin with (probably the wildest being Sunway Lagoon? Eheheh) but still... our Hen Parties have now been "reduced" to 3-hour tea parties with plenty of good food and selfies (and trying our best to retain our sanity while we tried to keep our children well-behaved -- probably to no avail, haih!). And while things have changed completely wherein we no longer jump from one activity to another because we're really not sure where we should park the kids meanwhile... the great company hasn't at all changed. 

 It's not like we haven't changed -- we have; it's just that we all somehow did it together (despite being physically apart) and embraced whatever it is that we have become and are becoming and we were all set to have a good time, in whatever little time we had. 

In my opinion, that spells quality over quantity all over, which is mighty fine with me!

So, here's to wishing Faizah a life time of happiness... and patience hehehe. Because the road ahead will be wonderful and eventful ;)

Here's The One for the album courtesy of Nadira!

been such a long while since we had a full quorum, so this was momentous :')

March 22, 2016

tiger mom.

If there is anything that I am not, it would be a TIGER MOM. 

I don't know whether it's because Luqman is only 4, or because he does really well in general in school and he gets what I am talking about if I randomly question him about his lessons or because I grew up with a tiger mom myself hehe and see so much of myself in my son... bottom line is, I just can't be a tiger mom -- at least not yet.

I keep telling myself that it is okay because he's only 4, but then again, that's the same thing I said last year when he was only 3! In fact... last year when his teachers told me that he refused to do one of his worksheets during their mid-term assessment in school, I told the teacher that it was okay because he's only 3. I mean, seriously -- I don't expect him to even sit still for more than 5 minutes, what more to complete a whole worksheet without incident! Hahaha.

Not sure when I'm going to start taking his lessons more seriously, but for now, I'm kind of just letting him play because I feel like that is the best for him, for now. I am so worried that if I apply too much academic pressure on him, he might just get bored and he might lose interest in learning altogether, which I believe is far worse than not getting good grades in preschool.

I really don't know if I'm doing things right... but at the moment, I'm kind of happy that I am not comparing myself to other tiger moms out there who I am sure, also want the very best for their children, but whose children's make up are also very different from mine. 

I might change in the near future and that's okay... but for now, I'm happy with the way things have worked out for us. Many might beg to differ with my methods but on that note, maybe we'll just have to agree to disagree. Hehe.

*note: writing this because Luqman has a test today and we spent the whole evening yesterday at the playground playing instead of studying. Hoping I won't get complaints (again) about him not cooperating during test time because though I frankly don't care if he doesn't get 5 stars for his test (for now hehe) I do really care if people think he has a bad attitude!

March 18, 2016

the name searching game.

The best thing about my housing area is that it is filled to the brim with growing families, just like mine! That means that Luqman is never short of friends, even after he returns home from school. The best part is that they're the type who actually play as in play outside like we did when we were kids, which I very much appreciate... because as you probably already know, I'm so old school liddat =.="

Anyways, most of them have siblings of their own already, so there are days when they compare notes about their respective adiks. 

Yesterday was one of those days when they were talking about their siblings' names -- much to my son's chagrin because he only calls his sister as Adik since we haven't told him her name yet -- and sometimes, we tell him that it's RAHSIA -- because he really is the last person you would trust with a secret. Semua dia bagitahu kepada semua orang! 

I mean like, I know people will eventually know Adik Baby's name but well.. you know, hehehe. 

ANYWAY, back to yesterday. 

While they were talking about their adiks' names, Luqman came up to me to give me a hug and kept asking me whether Adik Baby has a name, to which I responded with a shushing motion (finger to lips kind of motion) but unsatisfied with my reaction, he kept reassuring his friends that she too has a name. 

When he couldn't stand it any more, he finally said out loud, 


 And Luqman doesn't even know what RAHSIA means! 

Oh. My. God. 

Kesian anak aku (^.^;;;;)

Just for the record though (just in case you're wondering, which you're probably not hahah) it's Baby A, for now. And it's really nothing fancy. In fact, after we confirmed it's a girl, my husband gave me the liberty to go crazy with the name searching provided that it has the one name we've earlier agreed on even before we had children and that is has a good meaning. But so far, we're satisfied with our simple choice!

Hoping that the name we chose is a good one for her, amin! 

March 14, 2016

full term.

It's my second pregnancy and I'm still not very sure how the weeks are counted. All I know is that by the end of this week when I go for my check-up, I will be full-term -- 36 weeks.

Since I kept my pregnancy a secret for quite some time and my belly is relatively small as compared to the rest of some other pregnant mommies out there, most people who have just discovered my pregnancy, which is when I started to really show some time January/February, think that I'll only be going on my maternity leave some time in July. 

ha nah! bukti!
I, on the otherhand, feel like I've been carrying Adik Baby like...  forever! Like I said in my previous post, I feel heavy and tired and sleepy all the time! In fact, over the weekend, I looked so round that an honest little boy (probably Luqman's age) came up to me and asked me, "Kenapa Acik gemok?" -___-"  So, in a way, I really can't wait to see her and finally hold her in my arms!

Having said that though, I do hope that Adik Baby will go on to bake in the oven for as long as she needs before she makes an entry into this world. Karang asyik cakap heavy and tired and sleepy all the time, dia merajuk and come out before its time sebab merajuk pula, ha! 

Anyways, I didn't buy that many clothes this time round (although my husband will beg to differ -- well, what's a mother expecting a girl got better to do when she's left unaccompanied at any shop selling baby clothes, kan? heheheh) and all those clothes have already been pre-washed and folded. I just haven't had the time to put them into my hospital bag yet!  *panic*

Speaking of necessities, there are quite a number of the bigger things which I have yet to prepare for the arrival of our new baby, among others including the breastpump. Friends on FB already know the tragic fate of my Medela Freestyle which has been declared to be beyond economic repair and my frantic search for a new breastpump (sadly other than Freestyle) which works well and wouldn't burn a hole in my pocket. So far, with the help of my fellow friends, I have managed to shortlist 2 which I might get and I'm just waiting for the right time to get them i.e. this weekend so that the warranty would run from a later date -- closer to my EDD. 

Other than the breastpump, I am also seriously considering buying a cot. We do still plan on co-sleeping, but with Luqman conquering the bed most nights, leaving my husband and I with barely any space to sleep on (plus all the jumping and ruckus and stunts he does on the bed) I definitely am not taking any chances. We had a playpen, which I decided to just leave at my mom's so that all her cucus would benefit from it, which we can re-use, but I feel like it's not very practical for breastfeeding moms -- especially if Adik Baby wakes up every 1-2 hours like her brother! =_='

And finally, one of the other bigger things which I hopefully can cross off my list is my confinement lady. The last time I came out from confinement, I felt... tired. Padahal I stayed with my mom and didn't have to do anything apart from feeding Luqman. This time round, I told all families that I'd like to try it on my own. Not that I don't appreciate them wanting to help, but I'm a big girl now. Plus, my paramount consideration is my children's comfort. I want Luqman to continue going to school and to not miss his toys and books and his familiar surroundings. I also hope that by staying in our own home, we (Adik Baby and I) would  be able to acclimatize faster to being on our own and stick to a schedule which would suit us all best. I've actually paid a booking fee to my confinement lady and now I'm just hoping that all things work out well when the time actually comes. 

I sound so much like a second time mom, don't you think? Hahaha. The things which used to matter so much back then don't really matter that much these days -- which makes me feel somewhat old, but at the same time, so much more mature, which I think really isn't a bad thing at all. 

Now, I just hope that everything will work out fine in the end and that Adik Baby would be born healthy and happy like her big brother. 

Here's to being full-term! Congratulations Adik Baby, for making it this far! :)

March 08, 2016

without a doubt

Without a doubt, when adult companionship and conversation is scarce during the week while waiting for my husband to come home -- the struggle is real. Without a doubt, when I sometimes lose my cool and the temperature rises between us (re: Luqman and I) both, we've had to go through our fair share of fights, causing bucketful of tears and teary nights.

But on days like today just last week, where laughter was free-flow, hugs were aplenty and sloppy kisses abundant, I think about all my early motherhood hurdles, my sleepless nights and constant worrying and remind myself that even though good things take time to reap after they are sowed, they are, without a doubt, (wonderfully!) worth it after all. 

These are the last few of my weeks alone with Luqman -- and somehow, unlike how most mothers feel, I am not feeling sad about the fact that he will be getting a sibling to share with me soon. More than anything, I'm mostly excited!

Although some days he acts out in rebellion (especially after a trip to the mall where everything is about buying his Adik's things) and tells me outright how he only loves me and not his Adik, most days, he ADORES her and talks to her like she's already born.

There are endless kisses to my growing belly despite his constant mocking of how huge my face is or how big I am in general (you have no idea how cheeky he is and I have no idea where he gets it from *stares at husband hmmm*) and their unilateral conversations are really, really comical plus he's really, really protective over this little girl now growing inside of me -- that I feel lucky and blessed to have such an understanding firstborn. His jealousy and antics postpartum is something we'll just have to embrace and deal with later when the time comes.

I'm really excited to meet my little baby girl too! -- because I feel like I'm so ready for this -- and also because I'm feeling so heavy and lethargic and sleepy all the time hehe. I know things won't get any easier when the newborn is actually out in the "real world" but still doesn't turn me off from wanting to see her and hold her in my arms and plant kisses on that face which she is so intent on hiding. Can you believe that the last time I saw her face during her scan was in December? Thereafter she wouldn't let any of us see that face! Grrr!

Anyways, speaking of being so ready, I really actually am not sure how I'm going to fair as a mother of 2. The endless possibilities scare me -- how it's going to change me scares me -- how it's going to affect us all scares me. Having said that though, I am trying to study every early motherhood hurdle I had to go through previously in hopes that I would be able to jump through them more gracefully this time -- or better still, eliminate the hurdle altogether.

But if despite all my efforts I'm still met with either a different set or the same set of obstacles along the way, this post would be here to remind me that at some point, all of it, without a doubt, is worth it. Wonderfully worth it.

Like really, with this (or better 2 of this!) to come home to, why wouldn't it be, right ;)
muka gembira makan roti krim coklat.