it was all in my head.

 "Dimulakan dengan Bismillah, diakhiri dengan Alhamdulillah."

 -Raihan

 The above is so basic. But basic may not always come naturally to everyone.

In this time and age, I find that we are quick to critique and slow to thank.

And of course, I am no exception to this general rule.

But then again, it's not that I don't try to. It's just that on some days...

Some days, like the other day on 155/365, I lost it, just.like.that. At first, I was just fuming and babbling to myself, then, I went into full-on rage mode, yelling and scolding my son (the obvious victim) and while he cried his heart out for the the first 2 times I yelled at him, the third time it happened, he just stopped crying. He stopped responding to my yelling altogether and just looked up to me with eyes full of wonderment; most probably wondering what on earth did he do wrong this time.

Truth is, he did nothing wrong. He was just being his own clingy, manja self and all he wanted was his Mama. And I? I was just wondering why there seem to be no end to the string of things I had to do. I felt alone in a room full of people, I felt like I was alone in everything that I did. I felt like it was all on me, me and me. For no good reason, really.

After I realised what I did, I knelt down to his level, hugged him and apologised profusely for what I did.

And you know what he did?

He hugged me back, and said,

"It's okay, Mama. Jom semayang sama-sama?"

And laid his mini sejadah next to mine.

Next thing I know, I was crying. When we were done with our prayers, he sat on my lap and looked right into my eyes.

"Mama nangis ke?" he said while he wiped my tears.

"Mama tak sihat ke?" and he continued to hug me tight.

And he said all of this, in the pitch-darkness of the room.

All waterworks broke lose. 

At that time, I came to the realisation that all this while, I was never alone. Allah had sent me this little angel from heaven, put him in my womb so he could hear my heart beating from the inside, so that he would know what it feels like, even when he was on the outside--- looking in.

I was so busy getting things done, and being so obsessive about putting things in order, that I forgot to say my thanks, especially to Allah, for all the things I have been blessed with; for the roof on top of my head, for an amazing husband, for a wonderful child and an overall very blessed life, which many can only dream of ever having.

Thereafter, I tried my best to be grateful for all the little things, all the big things, all the right things, all the wrong things. And I tried my best not to bottle things up too much, too long. Because I now realise that it was all in my head. And what's in my head can really get to me, like it had previously gotten to me.

But like I said in my previous post, I am a work in progress. I guess to a certain extent we all are because though we sometimes think that we've got it all figured out, we really don't. Indeed, Allah is the turner of hearts. So we should never be so sure.

What we can be sure of is -

 that Allah promises, "Verily with hardship comes ease." (Quran, 94:5).

So, look for a good in every bad. And be thankful, no matter what the situation.

And most importantly, don't let your head, get to your head because get this -- life isn't perfect, for anyone.

"We say this life isn't perfect. And it isn't. It isn't perfectly good. But, it isn't perfectly bad, either... [..] I think the trap we fall into is rooted in the belief that this life can be perfect -- perfectly good or perfectly bad. However, that's not the nature of dunya (this life). That's the nature of the hereafter. The hereafter is saved for the perfection of things. Jannah (paradise) is perfectly and completely good. There is no bad in it. And Jahannam (hell - may Allah protect us) is perfectly and completely bad. There is no good in it." (Reclaim Your Heart, Yasmin Mogahed)

that time of year.

Bismillah. 

After almost a month of disconnect from this space, I am happy to report that I am almost whole again. Only almost, but Alhamdulillah, I am getting "there", wherever it is.

Just one more sleep 'til Ramadan comes (well, technically it starts after Maghrib tonight, I know) and the office is already buzzing with excitement for the arrival of the most-waited, most-anticipated, most-loved month of the Islamic Calendar. 

Makes me all warm and fuzzy inside, just thinking about the strange (but nice) tranquility that comes with the early mornings and late nights and everything else in between that makes it all the more special.

I am sorry to all my readers if I've disappointed or hurt or caused any harm through my posts whether intentionally or not and I hope that my sins to all of you will be forgiven (and hopefully forgotten). 

May this Ramadan be better than the best ones we've had so far, may we be steadfast in prayer and may we be given the chance and opportunity to make full use of all the blessings that this month brings.

Amin.

fashion (non)sense.

I responded "Yes" for an office buka puasa which was held yesterday since about 2 weeks ago after getting the greenlight from my husband. 

So naturally, after getting home from work yesterday, I didn't prepare anything to eat at all. The plan was that we would break fast, pray and leave the house right after. Simple. 

Some time before we left though, my husband asked me what would be appropriate for him to wear to the function. Masa itu barulah teringat that I needed to prepare Luqman's clothes as well. 

Knowing how much Luqman idolizes his Daddy, I took out their matching baju melayus and while I was doing that, Luqman saw one of his old Upin Ipin t-shirts and insisted that he be allowed to wear it. 

Normally, I don't mind him picking out his own clothes, no matter how mismatched or horrible they are. I've read before that it is one of the ways toddlers express themselves and it is also one of the many ways they'll learn about appropriateness (or lack of) and I'm all for learning through real life lessons. But yesterday wasn't any normal day, so I really wasn't big about him having inappropriate fashion (non)sense just as we were about to attend an office event! 

Be that as it may, after much coaxing to no avail, we allowed him to leave the house clad in his midriff baring t-shirt, diapers and no pants. Yes, I repeat, NO. PANTS. 

(fortunately (for Luqman), no photo either)

In the car, we tried coaxing him again, with no such luck. Outside the car, we taunted and mocked him, but still... no such luck. So, we gave up trying and decided that he had to learn the hard way i.e. through peer pressure from meeting friends of his own age (who we hoped had some decent pants on).

You know what happened?

He sat at the table... dan buat muka seposen. On top of that, he refused the food I fed him and threw everything out the moment it reached his mouth. Knowing that that situation had the potential to develop into a full-blown tantrum, my husband picked him up and told me, "Let's leave", which we did. 

At this point, we hadn't eaten anything substantial or filling, we were hungry and angry and our patience was running low. I noticed that we began snapping at each other although we both knew that whatever it was that took place last night was due to no fault of our own. 

When we got home, we expected Luqman to further throw a tantrum of some sort or you know, like totally zonk out from fatigue or something... just to make sense out of the whole thing... but he just sat happily in front of the TV eating the sunny side up I prepared for him, and asking for more food, crackers and drinks. He even let us both eat dinner in peace (thank God I prepared some food for sahur earlier).  

Til now, his reasons for refusing to wear his baju melayu and not wanting to wear his pants are still very much lost on us. At times like this, I find myself conflicted with all kinds of emotions; between wanting to let the inner mom in me emerge and let my child express himself to his heart's content while also wanting to teach my son that some level of propriety is required in certain situations like last night, for instance.

I honestly don't know at which point in his and my life that I should expect a certain level of understanding of these kind of proprieties.. but if you see our Raya family portrait with one of us (obviously not my husband or I) either not wearing pants or not clad in his traditional baju melayu... you'd know that I (for the time being) have failed to educate my son just yet.

And to think that when I saw this, I thought that I've seen the worst.

fashion (non)sense.

*Sigh*

Bubble and Squeak.

Growing up, I used to read this children's book (I can't remember the name), which talked about the concept of bubble and squeak. Basically, bubble and squeak (in that book) is the term used to describe Sunday brunch consisting of leftovers from the week. For some reason, the term and concept remain ingrained in my head until now, that each time I eat leftovers, I'll tell my husband that I'm going "bubble and squeak!"

Like previous years, I have a tendency to cook more during the fasting month. Not only does my husband enjoy home-cooked meals, it also saves me the trouble of having to wake up in the wee hours of the morning to prepare something for him to eat for sahur because I will normally cook more of what I'm cooking for buka puasa for that purpose.

But sometimes... I think I take the definition of "cook more" to another level. Another ridiculous level.

Some time last week, I really wanted to make sambal hijau since I had loads of green chillies. I have always loved sambal hijau but I've never made it before because (1) I'm the only one who eats it; and (2) the cafe next door sells it so it was easily accessible. But since it's fasting month, and I love to cook and I had so many green chillies and it was the first week of Ramadan so I wanted to eat so many things, I looked for the recipe and found out that IT'S SO EASY!!! I had a hard laugh at myself and went back happily, knowing that it was possible to make it at home. 

At about the same time (remember this is the first week of Ramadan, so I always felt like no amount of food would be able to appease my husband's hunger (and well, mine too, I guess)... I also "smartly" defrosted 400g of minced beef to be put into some spaghetti goreng basah that I've been thinking about cooking for so, so, so long. 

I mean, seriously, which idiot does that???

I ended up with SO MUCH sambal hijau and leftover spaghetti because as expected, my husband didn't eat the sambal hijau and how much spaghetti can one person have in one sitting anyways? 

the last of my bubble and squeak.

To make up for the "very smart move", I had bubble and squeak until all the sambal hijau and spaghetti was gone! For the whole week! Husband didn't object to this (I made fresh meals for him every day), of course knowing that I would make a big fuss out of having to throw away food since I'm a stern believer that when you waste whatever rezeki Allah gives, Allah will not give anymore. So, bubble and squeak I did all week long.

 When all that was over... I peeped into my freezer and saw that I only had mutton left. Mutton. I have never cooked mutton my whole life. Although I do cook quite alot at home, I'm not very experimental. Plus, my husband is really easy to please and anything with gravy doesn't really tickle his fancy... so what do I do with the mutton, now?

T_____________________________T,,,,

 After weighing all the options and looking through what I already have in my fridge... I decided on cooking mutton stew. The recipe calls for 4 pounds of mutton leg but I only had 900g mutton shoulder, so I said, why not use them all, after all, mine's mutton shoulder (loads of bones, less meat, hence justified) and I got to cooking my stew, in a kuali.

I do have stockpot, but I like sauteeing in a kuali better. And by the time I mixed everything together...

T______________________________T,,,,

and this was without the stock and gravy!

I had SO MUCH OF IT, WHY OH WHY DO I NEVER LEARN! There's only 3 of us, for crying out loud...

My husband came back from work on Saturday and was so shocked to see what I had cooked! "BANYAKNYA", dia kata!

Luckily though, I tastes good enough, so much so that someone jumped on the "bubble and squeak" bandwagon with me the following day (yesterday)!

And even then... I still have some more left, though not as much as my spaghetti and sambal hijau previously.

xxx

What I'm really trying to say is that this month is the month to remember those who are less fortunate than us and the easiest way to do that is by abstaining from our basic necessities (drink and food) from dawn to dusk just so we know what it feels like to be thirsty and hungry and have no other choice but to be thirsty and hungry.

But when the time comes for breaking of fast, where we do have a choice to appease our hunger and thirst, it doesn't give us the entitlement to gorge and binge and WASTE.

Just so you know - 

"It (Malaysia) generates about 15,000 tonnes of food and kitchen waste daily – enough to fill 7.5 football fields or to feed 7.5 million people a day."

 

 "Of the amount wasted, between 10% and 15% comprised unconsumed and expired food."

Source: The Star.

So, next time you're in a buffet line, take only what you need and think about the more needy. Next time you're at a Pasar Ramadan, each time you are tempted to buy something that is most likely going to go to waste, set aside the money supposedly spent for that "wastage" and bring it to the tabung masjid instead.

And hopefully, this Ramadan would be better than the last. 

Just my 2 cents. Semoga bermanfaat.

#tamakpahala

HAHAHAHA. I had a good read of my previous posts and a good laugh at my old younger self. So much youth and humour in me back then, it's hard not to be amused. 

Bismillah.

Today is Day 5 of Ramadhan.

I seem to have started Ramadhan on the wrong foot. Somehow I took it to heart when someone mentioned to me how it was okay for work to take precedence over Ramadhan, which I thought was utterly disrespectful for the month. Well, okay, so maybe that person didn't say exactly that, but through the conversation, I picked out those points.

True that work doesn't stop when we fast; in fact we should be more steadfast, but there are limits to it, I am sure? 

Well, anyway, Ramadhan came and embrace it, I did.  

Alhamdulillah, though I wasn't able to join my family for the congregational tarawikh prayers at the mosque, I was still able to do so on my own at home on the first day, when my Boy behaved SO WELL that day and managed to entertain himself for the whole of 10 rakaats. 

I say 10 rakaats because during the final rakaat for Witir, the Boy stood right in front of me on the praying mat and flashed the biggest toothy smile he could, willing me to play with him. I tried so hard not to laugh at the sight and quickly finished off with that last rakaat, where I sensed his relief for finally having some company again. He must have been so bored reading to himself and playing and singing all on his own. 

;)

When I was reading through my old posts, I came across a draft from last year, which seem to have gone unpublished. I read it again and again and contemplated on whether I should post it now... but it seemed so... personal. I decided against it. 

But if there's one thing I learned from that post is that last year, just like the present one, I had some initial troubles connecting with Ramadhan at the earlier stage. But I was lucky I caught myself early enough to snap out of that trance through constant, heartfelt prayer. And I was able to make full use (in sha Allah) of last year's Ramadhan to collect as many good deeds as I could.

This year... I find myself feeling a little left out where kumpul pahala is concerned. Somehow... I seem to be so #tamakpahala this year that I feel like I'm not part of the greater scheme of things due to the things I'm missing out on, like congregational prayers among other things.

While last year I prayed that Allah grant me patience, this year, I pray that Allah to give me (on top of patience), the feeling of contentment for caring for my family and for Him to put trust in my heart that I shall be rewarded justly for all the things I do in lieu of what I want to do, because it may be that I dislike something but it is good for me and He knows, but I know not, right?

I guess it's true when they say that you never know what you've got until you've lost it... because had I known how different it would be after marriage and motherhood, I would have never missed out on being all #tamakpahala when I was single. 

In any case, mintak-mintak Allah terima ibadah saya pada tahun ini dan hapuskan dosa-dosa saya.

Amin.

the thing i miss

... about this month no longer being the month of Ramadan, is this; early mornings like this.

I don't know how I did it but I woke up every single day at 4.45 a.m. (with the exception of a couple of "extra tired" days) to prepare sahur and from then on my day would begin. I normally survived on Neslo and Hup Seng cream crackers alone throughout the day and by Allah's will I didn't feel famished or overly tired. Sometimes, I would take a nap (or doze off) during office hours, but seeing how much we worked throughout lunch, that was hardly the case. 

Then, I would go back home and start preparing food for buka puasa (break fast). Come to think of it, it was extremely tiring to go on and on and on non-stop from 4.45 a.m. 'til at least 10 p.m. every day, but believe you me, there was something extremely therapeutic about cooking (even the simplest dishes, as was the case every day actually) and seeing your loved one gobble up the grub you prepared with so much gusto and getting the endless thanks at the end of it all. 

I truly enjoyed Ramadan this year.

I feel like we've grown so much from the kiddish couple we once were when we got married 2 years ago, where we (well more like I) wasn't really organised, simply didn't know how to handle having to prepare 2 meals and really didn't have the kudrat (will) to just do it. This year, I enjoyed cooking and thinking of menus so much that I was really dumbstruck as to what I should buy (or what I really wanted) when we decided to go to the pasar malam to get our food. 

Like seriously, asyik teringat the food I was supposed to be cooking and how yummy it would be to eat nasi panas dengan ayam goreng kunyit and bawang (ended up cooking that for sahur sebab teringat-ingat and walaupun tak makan tapi puas hati bila husband makan bertambah). 

I know macam mak-mak sangat kan selepas jadi mak orang ni, but seriously. After the baby came, it's like I enjoyed being home bound (though I won't lie - I do occasionally I crave a mall outing!), but still. Bila orang ajak berbuka outside, the only way I know I would enjoy it is if it were at my place or somebody else's home. I just enjoy being home. I think it's safe to say hello to the New Boring Old Hanisa, ey?

But never mind that... as I believe that that's a healthy sign of maturity. 

And here's to hoping that next Ramadan would be better.

( I know it's already 6th day of Syawal and stories of Ramadan are getting old but it's okay ;) )

pejam celik

... and it is now 12 days into Ramadan already! Time flies so fast these days, whether or not you're having fun, does it not?

And now that it's Ramadan, I'm sure there's really nothing to NOT love about it and with that, I've noticed that time flies even faster!

Alhamdulillah, we've been given a chance to experience Ramadan again. And like previous years, I've tried my best to make Ramadan markedly different (in a good way of course) from the last. Although this year's "change" cannot beat last Ramadan's, I believe that the "change" does not necessarily have to be major for it to be significant. And with that I do feel like I have, in some way, in sha Allah driven my family into a direction which I very much hope will be blessed.

This is a good time, this month of Ramadan, it really is. It's so good I almost tear at the thought of it leaving us soon.

Now that 12 days have passed, I really hope to be able to make good of the remaining 18.

I'm sure you'll do the same too.

In sha Allah.

12 days after.

 

“Count your blessings to find what you look for.”

I am peeved.

Mama said the reason I always feel this way is because I am naturally competitive. So, in the face of over competitiveness and over zealousness and over enthusiasm by others, I tend to get agitated. When in actual fact, I’m actually looking at myself. Difference is I might have a slightly more pleasant personality, which makes me a lot easier to deal with I guess?

Funny how much of ourselves we really hate, right?

I wonder how people view me. They must really hate me sometimes, don’t they?

***

Today marks the 12^th day since the 21 July 2012. Though met with awkward stares from colleagues who thought I was a new officer for the first 2 days, the transition from ye old Hanisa to the new me has been smooth sailing, Alhamdulillah. And the power of aurat is that even my husband is excited seeing me choosing and wearing different types and styles of hijab every day. Must be exciting after knowing a hijab-less me for 7 years?

Besides, I noticed that rezeki melimpah-ruah since my transition. So many good things happened to me. So many people have been oh so kind to me. And so many blessings in disguise have passed my way.   

Mama was right (once again and always is). I have everything to be thankful for. I have been blessed with so many wonderful things and yet, I hesitated to do this one thing Allah has commanded me to. “What’s stopping you, girl?” she asked me one day. And I couldn’t answer. Because she is right. There really wasn’t anything stopping me anymore. There really shouldn’t be anything stopping me.

So here I am.

***

Every now and then, when I get as pissed as I am right now, I remind myself of this transition; of this new found peace which has made me calmer in a lot of ways. It makes me think of the “tag” I have voluntarily stuck to myself, which makes me stop in my tracks each time I feel like saying a bad thing or having a bad thought. I thought I had it covered, but clearly, even with the devils tucked safely away from me, my nafsu amarah sometimes, just sometimes gets the best of me.

Time really flies and we’re almost half way through our Ramadan already.

I really don’t want to spend it angry, so I’ll leave it all at that.

Here’s to many more happy days, insyaAllah.

Much love, as always!

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)

readiness is a state of mind

21 July 2012.

 
And I was and am, without a doubt, irrevocably... READY.

Alhamdulillah.

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)

Snot

The only place in this whole office which is not cold is the toilet. And the only place in this office with reliable-enough tissue papers is the toilet. So, I’ve been in the toilet most of the time. Kalau bukan bulan puasa, mungkin terpaksa rapat-rapat dengan syaitan. Orang kata toilet tu lubuk syaitan, kan?

Berapa minggu tak update, bila update terus merungut, ye? Tak senonoh betul.

Hello dan assalamualaikum semua. I have been away for a long, long time (by my standards) and there is nothing that warrants my absence. And I have no intention to make up any reasons just because.

I have been so under the weather lately. The photo you see above is a only a fraction of my limited “collection” of tissue papers I have been using up like nobody’s business. Sneezing non-stop. Coughing also. It’s no way to end Ramadan and begin Raya, but that’s the way life goes I guess.

These past few weeks have been pretty eventful, actually. We went back to my husband’s hometown and went back to his kampung, where I had the bestest kampung food in a long, long time. His nenek is such a great cook, even her simple dishes like sup sayur is the bomb!

Though Raya is approaching, we still don’t have any kuih raya and we plan to make them this weekend. Harap-harap sempatlah. Kalau dapat 3 jenis pun dah cukup gembira hati ini. Yes, when you’re so used to baking your own cookies, you no longer know which ones are good to buy, membuatkan you have to “terpaksa” buat juga every year. Sebenarnya best gila, but if only without this flu. I may have to wear my mask nanti and jadi mandur saja kepada Mama and Adik. Jadi mandur Mama tu. Keji punya anak. Hehe.

Actually, no one is in the mood for work, tapi work keeps piling. The other day, we were asked to list the works under our purview and wow, I didn’t know I had THAT much until I listed them all. I have a few discussions lining up, but for fear that I infect everyone with my very not-Raya-friendly disease, I only communicate via emails. And then, because I am so tired from my non-stop snot snotting, I sleep on their emails. Habislah, I’ll have a “ball” catching up on my work after Raya.

Haih.

Sebenarnya, I have nothing much to update on. Ada sebenarnya, tapi tak pasti cerita basi ada orang nak dengar ke lagi.

When I start writing like this (like I am berborak with you), you know that I can’t put even 5 minutes into drafting a good post kan? So, I’ll leave this blog for now and look forward for tomorrow to end. Lepas tu boleh buka puasa dan balik rumah Mama yes!

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)

while i was away.

For some inexplicable reason, the way I am handling this year’s Ramadan is as if I have never fasted my whole life. Constantly, I find myself tired, sleepy and most alarmingly, hungry. And no, it’s no longer the “my-tummy-grumbles-so-loud-I-am-embarrassed” kind of hungry, it’s actually excruciatingly painful, I’m now forced to review my diet.

I always thought I knew my body well enough. But apparently not.

As I’ve established the fact that I cannot consume rice during sahur, I resigned to having bread as my staple. For sahur at least.

And for some reason, these past few days, even bread has failed me. But I know I’ve got to eat something if I don’t plan to lose so much weight until my clothes hang loosely all over. So, today, I resorted to nestum. I feel relatively better than yesterday, but those gastric juices are so threatening, they’re pretty hard to ignore.

In all honesty, this eating “disorder” is bugging the living daylights out of me. Not just because I am not able to properly eat my sahur, but also because it does, to a certain extent, affect my ability to consume everything else after breaking of fast.

And though I don’t normally eat that much, even the normal amount I consume can make me barf.

Alarming, isn’t it?

It’s not my first time fasting and it’s not even the first few days. We’re half way through and I feel like this, whereas I’ve never had it THIS bad. Yes, I’ve had it before, but this time round is really quite terrible.

I’m just hoping that this phase passes by quickly so that I can properly enjoy my Ramadan. Wind is no fun. Gastric juices are no fun. Upset tummies, much less. And all I want to be is strong.

Like I’ve always been before.

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)

Cek Mek Kelate.

My mom’s been bugging me the past week. She tells me that the Pasar Ramadan in TTDI is no fun and that the choices are so limited and all the favourite stalls are no more. I wouldn’t know because I haven’t been back to TTDI for their Pasar Ramadan. And believe it or not, we’ve only been to the Pasar Ramadan in Putrajaya once.

I take that as proof that my cooking’s improving. Someone seems to love home cooked meals a tad too much these days! Haha.

Well, anyways, it’s not really a secret that my parents own a house in Seri Putra. After all, we did have our engagement ceremony there and I think we all reached a consensus that that place, to a certain extent, is magical.

And since my parents went back there last weekend, we decided to follow suit.

You should have seen my mom’s face! OHMYGOD, so gleeful, I swear she looked like a little kid. Of course, it “helped” A LOT that we were around. That meant she had an excuse to buy more food, though I’ve got to say that “more” seemed like... way too much. Those who know my mom would attest to this fact. She’ll cook for 30 people if I told her that we’ll be having a party of 10.

But I let her be. After all, she doesn’t get to do that in TTDI anymore.

Well, I’ve got to admit that I was in awe at the variety the Pasar Malam at Seri Putra offered too. I mean, it was really, really, REALLY meriah, okay? It always looks like a party and it’s interesting to see so many kinds of people there. I bet the one in TTDI only has pensioners these days, seeing that so many elder people live there. Ehehehe, peace!

Eh, where was I? Anyways, I recently developed an obsession for nasi kerabu. Surprise, surprise. I’m becoming a Cek Mek Kelate? Owh, wow! I do not know what sparked this obsession, but I do know when it began. It began at the Pasar Tani on Tuesdays and Fridays in Putrajaya, where I bought my first packet of nasi kerabu (in a long time) at Nasi Kerabu Miela (if I am not mistaken).

Generally, I am not that fussy about food. But not where nasi kerabu is concerned. To me, for a nasi kerabu to be a good nasi kerabu, all the elements must align. Yes. The amount of tartness, spiciness, saltiness and all the –ness you can think of must be well-balanced. And of course, the solok lada, the star of the show, must, must, MUST be delicious and perfect. No compromise. And I found that in Nasi Kerabu Miela.

So, naturally, since this obsession is pretty new, I scouted for the best looking nasi kerabu I could find at Seri Putra.

I got lucky!

Where better to buy nasi kerabu than to buy it at “Ori Kelate” where the vendors’ speech was thickly “Kelantan-accented” and the nasi didn’t look like it’s been soaking in colouring and chicken looked like it was made with love and the solok lada! Ahhh, the solok lada looked like the kind I could munch on without getting bored, ever!

I had nasi kerabu ayam percik from Ori Kelate 2 days in a row and I promise you that you will drive all the way there just to taste it again.

Ori Kelate vs. Nasi Kerabu Miela = 1 – 0

Sigh. So sedap, you have no idea.

This, you can only get in Seri Putra (apart from Kelantan, of course). It surely has just proved itself to be especially magical during Ramadan. *usap perut kegirangan*

And that just makes me feel so annoyingly GEE DOUBLE OW DEE GOOD.

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)

Ms. Swot

A swot is

“...A person who studies hard, esp. one regarded as spending too much time studying...”

Or in more familiar terms... skema. And constantly "by-the-book". Or at least that’s what I think it is.

It’s rare for anyone to have any bad dreams during Ramadan as the Devils and Demons have been chained. Most people sleep very soundly. Or at least, I do.

Only last night... I dreamt. And it wasn’t a very pretty dream.

It was a ball of chaos. I think I was at home. In the dream, I felt panicky – as if I were rushing for something, somewhere. But I don’t know what it was. Only, at some point, I remember that I was rushing to eat because it was almost Subuh. And I don’t normally eat during Sahur. To me, what’s most important are my drink(s). One very, very, very sweet drink and loads of plain water to wash it off. But in the dream, I ate. And I ate alot. And then, it was already Subuh and I was trying to down my normal dose of plain water but I couldn’t. I couldn’t get any water down my throat. I couldn’t gulp. I couldn’t swallow. But I kept trying. And I couldn’t. What’s worse, there were people at my window watching this spectacle. Prying, staring, gaping, pointing. Obviously judging.

And then, I woke up at the sound of the Azan. And obviously panicked. But it felt too early. Somehow, I just knew that it wasn’t “time” yet. So, I ran out of the room to look at the wall clock. Sure enough, it was only 3.45 a.m. I have to admit that I was pissed. So, I went back to my bed and lay still under the duvet. It was only 3.45 a.m. and I could no longer sleep.

Then, I remembered.

I slept the night before without perfoming my Isya’ prayers. So, I guess you can already guess that I didn’t perform my tarawikh either? Like I said before... this year, I feel tired. So tired. But is that enough of an excuse?

I went to the prayer mat and performed my Isya’. It was only 4 rakaat, and it is actually really easy. So, why did I act like it’s so hard?

I never get through a year without getting caught doing a bad thing. Even minor ones, mind you. Never have. Don’t think I ever will.

Which is why I remain the “swot” that I am because I am constantly blessed with revelations and enlightenments by “someone” out there that S/He is watching. And constantly keeping me on my toes. Even when I am flying high.

So, even though a “Ms. Swot” is the girl who is no fun, won’t try something that is too much out of the ordinary, scared to do something wrong, the fact is... that’s just who I am.

Even if I attempt to do something out of the ordinary, which is clearly and obviously wrong, I never get away with it anyways. So, I guess, I’m thinking, “Why bother?”

Although I’ve been up since 3.45 a.m., couldn’t get back to sleep even if I tried to, and was startled with what seemed the early “Azan”, I’m okay. I’m actually happy that I made it to today, knowing that “someone” out there really, really loves me.

Alhamdulillah.

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you linger on my lips.

Oh, dear. It’s only 11.11 a.m. And my tummy is grumbling. Non-stop. And so loud I think my next door neighbour might think it’s a dinosaur. Or something. Anything that grumbles. Oh, yes. It is THAT bad.

I don’t normally do this because I know how much torture it is to look at pictures of food on a fasting day. But please be reminded that every word you are reading from here onwards is typed by my mean streak. Mean STREAK okay, not STEAK. I know you’re hungry too.

Yesterday’s iftaar was a beef spread. If I had more time, I would’ve made vege tomyum, but I didn’t. So, that beef was what we had, Alhamdulillah for the rezeki.

This morning, we woke up with a jump for sahur because we were a tad (???) late. No, we weren’t a tad late, we were LATE.

If it were not for my husband’s old handphone cokia, we wouldn’t have been able to get even one sip of water. But we managed, Alhamdulillah for that.

But... I have to admit that I’m hungry. I really, really am. It’s so bad, that I can’t stop looking at photos of last night’s iftaar. And thinking of how lovely it would be if I could just sink my teeth into that yummy, juicy black pepper beef. Or how lovely it would be if I could just finish that fluffy leftover omelette because it is just so gee double o dee GOOD. OHMYGOD.

beef spread.

Yes, I cooked them both, thank you very much. *smug face ;p*

Though I don’t know yet what we’re going to have for iftaar today, the one thing I know is that I am so going to munch those two before I start on everything else. No sharing allowed. Husband, please take note.

Oh, dear. I really need to control myself. *salivating like crazy right now please*

I’m going to have to chain my mean STREAK somewhere. AND FAST.

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even in Ramadan.

I always try to improve come each Ramadan.

And this year, I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t use Ramadan as an excuse not to do my work properly. Just because I am fasting, does not mean I am disabled. So, I brave through every sleepy moment, motivating myself with notions that my work is ibadah too. This is as a result of seeing even the best of workers being totally “disabled” last year during Ramadan. I vowed I would never be like that.

But, you would be surprised to know how selfish some people can get. Even in Ramadan, no less.

There are times when I feel like crying when I get a piece of work because I can already foresee how late I will be going home because of it.

So, as much as I don’t want to use Ramadan as an excuse for not concentrating on my job, I do think that Ramadan alone is enough of a reason to just let people "go" at an "appropriate" time.

And appropriate time being a time which will give the person enough time to go home, prepare for iftaar, get all fresh and cleaned up, maybe some time for spiritual enlightenment, and have a decent, comfortable iftaar with family and loved ones.

Appropriate time most definitely does not mean letting the person break fast for a while and continue working again. Thankfully this hasn’t happened (yet).

Sometimes, it really is difficult to understand, isn’t it? This month comes only once in a year. Just once. And yet...

I hate it when I miss my tarawikh. But I get so beat each time I get home from work. It’s not enough of an excuse to warrant my missing it, I know. But yes, that’s the truth. The moment I lounge on the bed, the next thing I know, it’s already tomorrow morning.

The harder truth to swallow is the fact that our moral grounds have shifted, so much so that such a special month is no longer treated like it is special. Work is work. And whatever or however you want to celebrate victory for being able to fast until the end of the day (if you even have the time to) is none of anyone’s business. Work is work.

Granted, this comes with growing up, with working. But we might not make it for next year so we might as well make the best out of what we have now, right?

Just some food for thought.

Happy 3rd day of Ramadan. May we all get home at “appropriate times”, at least this time of the year.

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all grown up

Unlike most of you, this year, I didn’t feel the “Ramadan kick”. At first I thought it strange. In fact, I thought it was so strange, I began analyzing what I have been doing all year long leading to Ramadan. Thought that maybe I could find out why I felt so... removed.

Then, last night, it hit me.

I had just... grown up. It was actually that simple.

I don’t have any food cravings (at least not yet). Didn’t feel like eating anything in particular, like when I was little and was allowed to choose anything I wanted to reward myself for fasting a full day. I always chose M&M’s, by the way. Generally, the excitement (about food, particularly) seemed to have dissipated with time.

And I love Ramadan (and food that comes with the month), so you can imagine my worry.

But as much as I attribute my enthusiasm (or my lack of it) to my growing up, I know that it’s partly got to do with the fact that this is the very first year I am embracing it with a husband. I know I should be excited, but I’m more anxious than excited.

Like how I’m constantly thinking about what I am capable of feeding the man (my husband) for sahur, especially. Waking up for sahur, to me is a small feat. But preparing sahur? That makes me part of a different league altogether I think.

Or how I’m constantly thinking of whether I would have the time to cook? Or how much I should cook. Or how much I should buy, or if I should buy at all? I know. These are such silly things that I shouldn’t even be bothered about seeing that there are so many options these days, but it fills my mind with so much doubt, so much so it is hard to ignore.

Or how I’m going to take performing solat tarawikh, which is not in Masjid Taqwa TTDI since I have gotten so accustomed to going there since I could remember. To hearing the voice of the imam there, which almost always made me calm.

Fine. Most of those thoughts are about food too, I know. But it’s just in such a different way, don’t you think?

I know that I’ll get a hang of this soon. I always do. But for now, rest assured that I will be cooking chicken tonight and that husband of mine has requested what he wants for today’s iftar, sahur and tomorrow’s iftar.

At least one of us is excited, ey? ;)

I noticed that this seems to happen on alternate years, for some unfathomable reason. One year I’m an excited monkey, the next I’m stoned. But I know we’ll all be fine, insyaAllah.

Selamat menyambut bulan Ramadan to all out there.


May we find peace and calmness always :)

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makan. makan. makan.

I think every year, I resolve to do the same thing before Raya but I end up not doing it. Yes, every year, I resolve to take some days off before Raya because I know that there is absolutely nothing I can do when I clock in, not because there’s nothing to do, but simply because I just can’t put my mind to really doing it.

Hmm.

But of course, here I am today, in the office, wishing I was not here, thinking about the cookies I should be baking. But, here I am. Typical of me, isn’t it? Next year I must take leave before Raya. Did I just resolve to do the same thing again? Haih. I never learn. Tsk.

Anyways, these past few days have been SO. FULL. OF. FOOD. Oh dear. I think I have been eating non-stop since Friday night iftar.

SELF DECLARED SIBLING ;)

obviously happy and full :)

On Friday, my dad got some vouchers to break fast at Renaissance and so, all 4 (luckily Adik is home) +1 (Adik’s bestfriend, our self-declared sibling) went for a round of buffet. Hmm. Though for my size, I do eat quite a substantial amount, I do still think that I am the most tak berbaloi person to bring for a buffet, especially so during Ramadan. My constricted tummy space and the limited time to eat just makes things worst. But of course, since we were there, apa lagi, makan lah!

heaven sent, i tell you!

ting ting. only round one.

As usual though, since I knew that I just had to have everything I love from the buffet spread, I strategized each round of food. Haha. OCD much, I know, but I MUST taste everything I like. And the only way to do that is with proper planning.

Ratings:
I rate Renaissance buffet spread as a whole as 3.5 – I have seen better variety;
I rate Renaissance food as 4.5 – because even with limited choices, all their choices are delicious;
I rate Renaissance dessert as 2 – note that desserts and food are not the same to me. OMG the tepung pelita tasted so weird like susu tepung plus creamer(!), the cakes weren’t sweet. Like, how possible is it for cakes NOT to be sweet?; and
The only consolation to the lack of sweet treats is the chocolate fountain. Uhuh. That really made my night.

UUUUU (U.U)

chocolate fountain overload.

YES, OBVIOUSLY!

But that night, I was retching at the toilet bowl (sorry disgusting) and I suspect it was the chowder that I ate. It couldn’t have been the amount or the other things I ate because everyone ate what I ate, apart from chowder and this must have been one of my best-planned eating strategies of all time. Haha. So, chowder's the cause! Ugh.

On Saturday, we had iftar with the Kesayangans. I haven’t met them since… my engagement maybe? So, it was really nice catching up and I can’t believe that one of my friends already has a bump! A baby bump, that is. I mean, it’s not that I don’t know that she’s pregnant and it’s only fair that she has a bump, but when I do bump (HAHA LAME) into her at the office, I can’t see the bump through her office clothes, but this??? I just couldn’t stop staring, I tell you.

mamita yang best!

jajajajajaj! ;p

misters

girly group.

lucky guy on the left to have so many "girlfriends" ;p

and this is called a baby bump :') (please don't ban and berdendam with me, but i couldn't help it! this baby bump photo is too cute!

It’s somewhat amazing how much an unborn child (+mommy of course) can by loved. We were planning Batsie’s Bachelorette (it was a bummer she couldn’t join, but at least we got to talk about the party without having to whisper or pass notes under the table hehe) and we took the baby (and mommy) into consideration for everything we were planning to do. Babies are huge miracles, don’t you think so? I already can’t wait to see him/her!

Well, anyway, we had loads of fun. I’ve always loved being around these people. Because we’ve got a certain level of similar craziness which only we can somehow understand. Heee.

I think I didn’t go out on Sunday. Eh, wait, I did, but only to get Baju Raya for Adik. I didn’t get myself any because none tickled my fancy. But we had some lip smacking nasi lemak ayam that Mama cooked that night.

And yesterday! Yesterday was sesi berkenalan with the Mister’s colleagues. Just like the rest of the things in our relationship, I’m a bit of a mystery to the people around him too. We don’t share the same profession and University and so, we don’t have common friends, but that’s about to change now, since we clicked instantly last night! I didn’t take out my big camera (big as compared to camera phones) though, because I didn’t know whether or not it was appropriate at the very first meet ;)

Well, off to work I go. Though I have absolutely no idea how I am going to get it done with Raya songs already playing since 7.30 a.m.!

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gam gajah.

Last photo of you on one of your excursions to the beach with Busu.

Assalamualaikum Atuk,

I hope you are well, wherever you are now.

Unlike Beloved Nenek, you never came back to me. And I think you didn’t come back to any of us, apart from Mak Ngah maybe?

You must have finished all business here and was ready for the hereafter. After all, you did have a full and happy life.

A few weeks back, or maybe just over a month ago, I was at our local eatery – Jasema. It must have been one of our Thursdays. Thursdays are nights out, by the way. We were leaving the restaurant and there was an old Chinese man sitting alone at the table, eating a piece of roti canai.

He looked content being in his own world. He was okay he was alone. What seemed important to him at that point was the roti canai. As I walked to the car, I stole glances at him and caught the dhal dribbling down his chin.

Things like that can instantly transport me back to those times when you were still alive.

I was so badly reminded of you that I went home emotionally disturbed. I’m not surprised if I slept crying that night.

It may seem very superficial of me to be writing all this, let alone to think it because like I said before, we were never very close. But somehow, you were that silent presence which bound us like gam gajah. Always.

This year, we only had one iftar together. How pathetic is that? Of course we still love each other, even when we don’t meet up as often, but the family seems to have lost meaning with your absence. The void is so huge, I don’t know how to fill it in anymore.

I know you don’t expect me to keep us all united, Atuk, but it somehow feels like I must, by all means, do so. But to be honest, I think I am fighting a losing battle. I’m just a little person in such a big world.

I don’t know how different Raya is going to be this year because as it is, Ramadan is such a far cry from the last. I hoped that it wouldn’t be so different, but I guess I’m going to have to be content with this unwanted change.

I will continue praying that love will keep us alive.

We miss you. You were our superglue. 

Al-fatihah.

Love, Kakak.

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a little hot date update.

I think I won’t quite get over with my Photographer issue, but I’ve come close to closing a deal. Phew.

My former OP was very professional when I told them my concerns of late delivery and the complaints I have been hearing and I asked for some time to think, which they obliged. And after I failed to get back to them… they gave me some grace period and after thoroughly thinking it through… I guess it’s not meant to be after all.

When I cancelled with my former OP, I honestly could not help but notice how relieved they sounded. Perhaps they already knew that they wouldn’t be inspired by us (and they haven’t even met Mister yet) and I knew then that the earlier chemistry I felt only lasted as far as telephone conversations were concerned. So I knew that I did the right thing.

Notice that I talk a lot about my photographer and not much else? Yes, I know. Sometimes, I worry about it too. Yesterday, I talked to both Mamita and Jaja about wedding stuff. It’s the little things that make you botak, you know that? Haha.

I think Mamita flipped when I told her I didn’t want any bunga manggar and bunga pahar, seeing that it’s going to be in a hall and we’re going to do away with the merenjis and all. She told me,

“Ey, kau nak kahwin ke tak ni???”

Haha. Don’t misunderstand, of course she knows that it’s not one of the wajib items, it just makes the whole ceremony a little bit more meriah, I guess. She knows too well how minimalistic I can get when planning things, so she’s just trying to spark the whole thing up, hehe! So, she’s volunteered to follow me to anywhere I plan on going to "check those things out" first, before I actually decide on having/not having the said items. Of course, anything for a jalan-jalan session, ey Mamita? Hehe.

I haven’t been updating much on the wedding because there’s really nothing much to update on. Our solemnization outfits are done and the only problem with it at the moment is the weight I am losing. I have to go on a bingeing spree before I tie the knot so that I won’t look like a tomato on a twig on that day.

The other thing I have been seriously scouting for is my reception dress. I told you I'm practical like that so I’m just going to rent it. I’m not going to bother going through drama with designers etc., since I’m not so artsy myself and that makes it difficult for them to design because I’m clueless about how I would want my own dress to be. I know what I like, but would the designer be able to deliver? Hmmm…

But seeing that it is the fasting month and my mom is quite occupied with the house, I have decided to put it on hold. Paling senang, we will go to Siti Khadijah boutique in TTDI and rent one of her pieces. I’m sure the latest ones are nice.

I sound so unenthusiastic about the wedding, I know. But that’s perhaps I’m already thinking about the Minimoon and the Honeymoon and the apartment and the interior and the things I will be cooking and the furniture I will be buying. Phew. What a long excited list! I guess I’ve always known even before I decided to get married that the wedding isn’t everything.

I will update more on the wedding, when it gets nearer? Perhaps, I’d turn into a true blue bridezilla when it gets real near? Perhaps, but hopefully not ;)

Oh, whatever you do, when visiting Nilai 3, DO NOT SIT ON THE BED!

UMAKAIH GARANGNYA KAK.

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some faith.

I assume… that even the most hardcore of atheists in the world need some kind of faith to hold on to. Even if it meant they believed in science, instead of any other religion.

I think it’s rampant – that people only think of God in times of adversity. It’s as if it takes a whole load of energy to remember God all the time. Now how wrong does that sound?

It’s really bad.

Once, my dad told me that rezeki doesn’t always come in monetary terms. It hit me real bad the other day when my dad told me over sahur that the rezeki is not actually ours, but Allah’s. Allah can decide to give and retract, as and when It sees fit. Sometimes, you feel like you’ve done everything you could to please God and still, It takes away what you thought should be yours. And yet, there are times when you feel like you are so undeserving of the rezeki you got, if weighed with the wrong you did, but it still comes to you anyway.

That, my friends, is called “dugaan” - a test of whether you will further pray to God for forgiveness or get carried away with your rezeki, thinking that there’s really no one you should be thankful to.

I don’t know what prompted me to write this today, but I was perhaps saddened with my own Ramadan attitude this year. Saddened that I am thinking of Allah this often (not that I don’t think of Allah at all, please don’t get me wrong), now that I am sick. Down with flu, slight fever and an itchy throat.

I consider my puasa this month a complete failure so far. Such a waste, don’t you think so? I think I’m one of those people whom have gained merely hunger and thirst and a lot of fatigue yet, failed to gain all those free points God has given so generously.

I make excuses, I’m lazy, I’ve been (way too) angry, I’ve gossiped and I’ve become so complacent.

Last year, when we were tested, we prayed so hard. We talked about God as often as we breathed and it was calming. I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t bitter, I wasn’t sick. I was constantly with do’a. I was so, so calm.

I told you, this year is different. And it’s really, really bad.

But I’ve got 15 more days to repent before I look back on this year and regret.


If you're like me, it's really not too late to start. Or is it?

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