best decision ever.

Though I've gained a whole lot from motherhood (weight one of it, BAHAHAHAHA), there is one sure thing that I've inadvertently lost, which is my spontaneity.

I admit that I miss that part of me (sometimes), but most times, I'm more than happy to have the kids as the penultimate consideration in everything I do. They've become my check and balance of some sort and frankly I like it that way.

But, on occasion... I do let loose and let that much missed side of me surface. Like I did last weekend.

Last weekend was SO MUCH FUN! On a whim, we went roadtripping with my husband back to his place down south because he had some work commitments he had to attend to. And while he went to work, we had the time of our lives, just chilling and enjoying our time together. 

Also... just to support his event, I joined in the Fun Run and managed to get 3rd! And I also got a prize from the lucky draw! He wasn't biased, I promise! So getting 3rd was all my hard work and getting the prize was just my luck. Though I do think that he was secretly expecting me to get first place because we're both kiasu like that, haha. 

Well, anyways, we all slept in, ate out, played by the beach, dipped in the pool and sang and danced and sang again and though our lives was quite the moving circus, we would definitely do it all over again, I'm sure (though maybe we'll go by flight this time? haha).

And from the trip, there was a major take home lesson for me (especially); I learned to appreciate how much work my husband does to put food on our table and how much effort he puts in to just be home. It was a huge eye opener and I can safely say how proud I am of how well he's doing what he's doing. 

Making that decision on a whim was one of the best decisions I've made, ever!

And now that we're home, we can't hardly wait for our next family trip.

-- happening in 5 more sleeps! 

♥

can't hardly wait

It's only mid-October and I'm already getting impatient for 2018 to come. 

2017 has so far been a pretty bleurgh year for me. Perhaps it's because it's part of the first 2 years of "new motherhood" for me what with having a new baby and breastfeeding and the whole works or maybe it's the pile of new responsibilities that I've had to deal with at work that has made this year the way that it is.

Don't get me wrong, there have been some super highlights in 2017 both professionally and personally, but it still doesn't stop me from wanting 2018 to come quick. Is it weird that I feel that way about things?

Speaking of 2018... have you already thought about what you'd like to do or be in 2018? 

I can't remember the last time I made some real resolutions about anything at all since I now basically let every single day work itself out. And probably that has been one of the causes of why my life is the way it is because in a way... I'm just attracting "nothingness" in my everyday, don't you think?

"If you fail to plan, you plan to fail"... isn't that what people always say?

And I'm scared I'm not planning my life properly so I'm seriously hoping to change that. 

And in so doing, I really need to know how to revive a "dead heart"...

Have you ever felt as numbed and jaded as I am feeling like right now?

I seem to avoid every motivational quote I come across these days because I feel like it is impossible for someone to feel so positive about everything all the time... and trust me this coming from me is scaring myself because wasn't I the one who did the #100happydayschallenge and felt so strongly about how it totally changed my 2014?

So, I'm thinking... since I so voluntarily got myself sucked into this invinsible "black hole", I must make a conscious effort to get myself back out of it because this is not how I want things to be going forward. SURELY... there must be a silver lining to everything... right?

I'm sure I'm just the one who's just too blurred to see it at this point. And in any case, I can't wait for 2018 to come.

getting this off my chest -- so I can move on.

Tengok balik list, banyak betul draft these couple of months. BANYAK.

Tapi semua tak post, sudahnya jadi basi, lepas tu, terbuku dalam hati.

Padahal, ada hari, hati meronta nak ceritakan semuanya pada semuanya.

Hari ni, ada sikit masa senggang, rasa nak post balik drafts yang agak relevant walaupun dah basi... just so kita ada reference di kemudian hari, tapi entah -- rasanya selagi satu isi hati ni tak dilepaskan, selagi tu tak boleh move on.

So, here goes.

Nagging is not my second nature. Itu satu. Keduanya, I don't really know how to be angry. Sometimes, marah pun sambil senyum. Lepas tu, kalau marah betul, confirm menangis sendiri out of utter regret. Confirm. Pelik, tapi benar. Itulah dia true story.

Each time I get angry (really angry), I will eventually cry. And I'll feel bad and super tired about it for days on end.

Walaupun begitu, bila dah marah dengan orang/benda for something, it literally takes FOREVER for me to forget. Bukan berdendam, tapi tak boleh lupa. Kalau nak tahu, sebenarnya PENAT bila tak boleh lupa ni... agaknya itu lah sebab saya sentiasa kurus -- benda orang dah tak ingat, kita tak lupa-lupa juga. Tapi terima saja lah, dah Allah jadikan kita begitu... ada lah sebabnya tu. Everyone has their own set of challenges, bukan?

Itu cakap pasal marah dengan orang... kalau marah dengan anak-anak? Pergh. Dia punya sesalan tak boleh nak explain. I used to live with no regrets, tapi lepas dapat anak dua ni ... kumpul regrets yang rasa hari-hari dari anak bangun sampai anak tidur -- boleh gila dibuatnya.

Sebelum ada yang salah faham, let me explain. Bukan regret sebab beranak. Engko gila ke apa. Regret tu terbit daripada marah yang sengaja walaupun tak sengaja, ignorance yang sengaja disebabkan tak sengaja, upset secara sengaja dalam tak sengaja. Ayat tu sendiri dah pening, kan? Boleh imagine tak betapa dalam hati ni pening dia macam mana? Nak explain with words secara waras pun tak boleh, apatah lagi nak show you the shape of my heart. Ewah merapu dah. 

Pokoknya, every time I leave my kids at school, on the way to work mesti nangis. Not that their school is not good; I pay to send them to wonderful schools with wonderful teachers and they are superb at their jobs. Tapi nangis sebab malam sebelumnya mesti dah terjerit, termarah, ter-buat-buat tidur bila anak tanya soalan, terabaikan bila rasa pampers anak penuh. 

Paling best, ter-annoyed masa Atiya Ayesha first said "Mama". Boleh?

"Mama" was her first word and I was annoyed.

Punyalah nak anak sayang kita kali ni (Luqman masa kecik cakap "Daddy" dulu). But since she said "Mama" because wanted my attention and all I was thinking about then was getting the laundry done, I was annoyed. 

Last-last Luqman yang lagi excited. Lepas tu, I got annoyed at Luqman for being excited pulak.

It has been, for lack of better word, such a psychotic 6 months for me.

So much so that I wondered -- macam mana masa dengan Luqman dulu, I could survive the 6 months without my husband alone. Masa tu lagi lah, dengan duit tak ada, susu badan tak cukup, duduk dekat tingkat 8. I didn't eat dinner or bathe either. Solat pun macam pencuri. Tapi masa tu, survive dan seolah tak kisah dengan penat. 

Tapi sekarang macam annoyed. Dah kenapa? 

Jawapannya, sebab circumstances kali ni berbeza. Kali ni, I don't only have me to take care of, I have another human being (Luqman) depending on me too. There was once when I was afraid to ask him if he was hungry because I was sure that he was... tapi Atiya memerap -- tak boleh letak, tak boleh tinggal, tak boleh gerak. All she wanted to do was nurse. Nasib baik husband balik malam tu, so kita kasi Luqman makan at 11 p.m. sambil dia tersengguk-sengguk mengantuk. 

Ada sekali tu, bila kita dah penat, kita try crying it out method -- masa nak mandikan Luqman and masa dia mintak wash poopoo, and it worked -- she cried until she became quiet on her own. But after that, I vowed that it would be the first and only time I would ever do it. I never want to leave my child crying like that ever again. EVER. And I never did it again. Kalau sorang mandi, semua masuk toilet, sorang berak, semorang cuci. 

Tapi tak boleh buat apa, sebab kita semua mesti survive. Paling penting anak-anak mesti survive. Abang must survive -- must be clean, must be healthy, safe, happy. And Adik must have enough milk, enough clean diapers, walaupun mungkin sedikit lacking in affection as compared to when Abang was growing up. Tapi tak apa, we'll make up for lost time, I convinced myself. 

But eventually, pinggang sakit, lutut sakit, kaki sakit, hati sakit.

Sakit sangat sampaikan anak cakap "Mama" pun annoyed. Sakit sangat sampai pergi kerja setiap hari tak pernah tak nangis. Sakit sampaikan 530 petang sampai anak-anak tidur, I would be holding my breath out of nervousness -- takut something goes wrong -- anak demam ke, jatuh ke, perlukan hospital ke. Psychotic kan?

And that's when I realised. sebenarnya for my children to survive, yang paling penting ialah for their Mama (read: me) to survive. My survival was paramount to theirs. 

I forgot that dalam banyak-banyak orang tu, I was the one who cannot fall or fall sick or go to the hospital and most importantly I cannot go crazy. Only problem is, I was on the brink of insanity. 

I realised that that could not go on if I wanted to survive. And I needed help. Big time. 

And just when I needed help the most, help came. And I shall forever be grateful to Allah, for granting me what I need, when I need it the most. 

It's been a week since help arrived. And I haven't made a big deal out of it yet because I don't want to jinx it. 

All I know is that if help is here to stay, we're going to have better days ahead, in sha Allah.

mencari sebuah jawaban.

I just sent out my response to HR with regards to my upcoming transfer. And I've been asking around for some empty boxes for me to put my 3 years worth of stuff in. I haven't even acclimatised to being back in this office and now, I've got to prep myself for the new place, which isn't really that new come to think of it... but I have been away for 3 years, so I don't really know what to expect anymore.

I really don't know where I should begin. 

All I know is that this is the answer. 

You see, we've been spending some time looking for answers -- for everything. 

Life has thrown us a curveball we're not entirely sure how to deal with... and it's been super overwhelming to say the least. I no longer feel bad about crying openly about it and I no longer feel sorry for not having things figured out. My only regret is that I sometimes lose my temper and my firstborn has to bear the brunt of it, which gets me really upset every single time. 

Thing is, can anybody help it -- can anyone really abstain from losing their temper when there's just so much to do and seemingly so little time to do them. And what is up with children and their doing everything in tandem? Berak in tandem, cry in tandem, asking for food in tandem. They're like a tag team despite their age gap and I find my patience thinning every single day. 

I've got to admit that I sometimes feel really inferior to mothers in the same boat as myself who seem unfazed by their circumstances -- and doing everything that I'm currently doing and more. Sometimes I catch myself wondering if they have a velcro baby like mine... or if they've deafened their ears to their baby's cries or if their babies don't cry to be picked up at all. And I sometimes wonder when on earth do these mothers pump milk and when do they ever sleep?

 Don't we all have the same 24 hours in a day...?

I'm so full of questions -- and I was so ready for answers when the Transfer Order came.

And even then, I was plagued by fear of my uncertain future.

Until I backtracked this whole year and realised how things have fallen into place just the way it should be even though there were days when I thought things turned out differently than they should have.

And that's when I realised -- that all I need to do is my best -- and leave Allah to do the rest.


Indeed He is the Best Planner -- so who am I to question his Grand Plans? 

Inilah dia jawapan yang dicari -- for now at least.

As a take home message for anyone who actually finished reading this --

"Always believe that someone will one day recognise your worth; if it isn't a person -- it would be The One who is bigger than a person." (says my Mom, may Allah bless her soul)

Now... let's get packing!

you will always be my baby.

As he falls "out of love" with me... or rather more in love with everything else in his life... I find myself falling more and more in love with him and his antics. 

My "baby" is now officially no longer an infant, nor a toddler. He is a preschooler -- and one who does me proud with how well he's growing up. 

As I spent time with him on his 4th birthday (2nd April 2016) and received numerous throwback posts and photos from FB, I became more and more convinced that all the time, energy, sweat and tears we have spent on him is totally worth it (I know I've said it before but yeah I just can't seem to say it enough, I guess...).

I'm not really sure how we got from those rough patches in our relationship to here... but I can no longer imagine a life without him. And I'm not sure now who's the one who needs the other more... though I'm not ashamed to admit I might be the one who's more needy. 

You may have outgrown my lap, my boy, but you will never outgrow my heart. 

And in my heart, you will always be my (first) baby. Thank you for teaching me the true meaning of unconditional love... and for always making me work towards becoming a better version of myself. 

We love you so much baby, you know we always do. 

the name searching game.

The best thing about my housing area is that it is filled to the brim with growing families, just like mine! That means that Luqman is never short of friends, even after he returns home from school. The best part is that they're the type who actually play as in play outside like we did when we were kids, which I very much appreciate... because as you probably already know, I'm so old school liddat =.="

Anyways, most of them have siblings of their own already, so there are days when they compare notes about their respective adiks. 

Yesterday was one of those days when they were talking about their siblings' names -- much to my son's chagrin because he only calls his sister as Adik since we haven't told him her name yet -- and sometimes, we tell him that it's RAHSIA -- because he really is the last person you would trust with a secret. Semua dia bagitahu kepada semua orang! 

I mean like, I know people will eventually know Adik Baby's name but well.. you know, hehehe. 

ANYWAY, back to yesterday. 

While they were talking about their adiks' names, Luqman came up to me to give me a hug and kept asking me whether Adik Baby has a name, to which I responded with a shushing motion (finger to lips kind of motion) but unsatisfied with my reaction, he kept reassuring his friends that she too has a name. 

When he couldn't stand it any more, he finally said out loud, 

"HEY ADIK SAYA PUN ADA NAMA. NAMA DIA RAHSIA KAN, MAMA?!"

 And Luqman doesn't even know what RAHSIA means! 

Oh. My. God. 

Kesian anak aku (^.^;;;;)

Just for the record though (just in case you're wondering, which you're probably not hahah) it's Baby A, for now. And it's really nothing fancy. In fact, after we confirmed it's a girl, my husband gave me the liberty to go crazy with the name searching provided that it has the one name we've earlier agreed on even before we had children and that is has a good meaning. But so far, we're satisfied with our simple choice!

Hoping that the name we chose is a good one for her, amin! 

full term.

It's my second pregnancy and I'm still not very sure how the weeks are counted. All I know is that by the end of this week when I go for my check-up, I will be full-term -- 36 weeks.

Since I kept my pregnancy a secret for quite some time and my belly is relatively small as compared to the rest of some other pregnant mommies out there, most people who have just discovered my pregnancy, which is when I started to really show some time January/February, think that I'll only be going on my maternity leave some time in July. 

ha nah! bukti!

I, on the otherhand, feel like I've been carrying Adik Baby like...  forever! Like I said in my previous post, I feel heavy and tired and sleepy all the time! In fact, over the weekend, I looked so round that an honest little boy (probably Luqman's age) came up to me and asked me, "Kenapa Acik gemok?" -___-"  So, in a way, I really can't wait to see her and finally hold her in my arms!

Having said that though, I do hope that Adik Baby will go on to bake in the oven for as long as she needs before she makes an entry into this world. Karang asyik cakap heavy and tired and sleepy all the time, dia merajuk and come out before its time sebab merajuk pula, ha! 

Anyways, I didn't buy that many clothes this time round (although my husband will beg to differ -- well, what's a mother expecting a girl got better to do when she's left unaccompanied at any shop selling baby clothes, kan? heheheh) and all those clothes have already been pre-washed and folded. I just haven't had the time to put them into my hospital bag yet!  *panic*

Speaking of necessities, there are quite a number of the bigger things which I have yet to prepare for the arrival of our new baby, among others including the breastpump. Friends on FB already know the tragic fate of my Medela Freestyle which has been declared to be beyond economic repair and my frantic search for a new breastpump (sadly other than Freestyle) which works well and wouldn't burn a hole in my pocket. So far, with the help of my fellow friends, I have managed to shortlist 2 which I might get and I'm just waiting for the right time to get them i.e. this weekend so that the warranty would run from a later date -- closer to my EDD. 

Other than the breastpump, I am also seriously considering buying a cot. We do still plan on co-sleeping, but with Luqman conquering the bed most nights, leaving my husband and I with barely any space to sleep on (plus all the jumping and ruckus and stunts he does on the bed) I definitely am not taking any chances. We had a playpen, which I decided to just leave at my mom's so that all her cucus would benefit from it, which we can re-use, but I feel like it's not very practical for breastfeeding moms -- especially if Adik Baby wakes up every 1-2 hours like her brother! =_='

And finally, one of the other bigger things which I hopefully can cross off my list is my confinement lady. The last time I came out from confinement, I felt... tired. Padahal I stayed with my mom and didn't have to do anything apart from feeding Luqman. This time round, I told all families that I'd like to try it on my own. Not that I don't appreciate them wanting to help, but I'm a big girl now. Plus, my paramount consideration is my children's comfort. I want Luqman to continue going to school and to not miss his toys and books and his familiar surroundings. I also hope that by staying in our own home, we (Adik Baby and I) would  be able to acclimatize faster to being on our own and stick to a schedule which would suit us all best. I've actually paid a booking fee to my confinement lady and now I'm just hoping that all things work out well when the time actually comes. 

I sound so much like a second time mom, don't you think? Hahaha. The things which used to matter so much back then don't really matter that much these days -- which makes me feel somewhat old, but at the same time, so much more mature, which I think really isn't a bad thing at all. 

Now, I just hope that everything will work out fine in the end and that Adik Baby would be born healthy and happy like her big brother. 

Here's to being full-term! Congratulations Adik Baby, for making it this far! :)

the 10-day extension.

I was counting down the days to The Day -- and it finally came. 

The countdown finally reached the Zero Day mark. *gasp*. But like all other things in 2015, The Day didn't at all go as I thought it would. *double gasp*

Instead, The Day was somehow or rather postponed for about 10 more days where we were given the opportunity to spend ample time with each other -- albeit all of us being "stuck" in a hospital room with 2 of the loves of my life being warded in the hospital for dengue fever for 8 out of those 10 days. 

I wouldn't say that the situation was ideal, but I would say that those 10 days changed us -- and gave us what we needed instead of what we wanted. 

Sure, we wanted the 10-day extension, but we didn't think we needed those 10 days that bad.

In those 10 days, we went through a roller-coaster of thoughts and emotions. If my life were lived in an emoticon world, I think it would have used up all of the available emoticons and so much more.

There was once when my husband's platelet count went down to 52 and the very next day, my son's dropped down to 97. The doctor ordered 3 blood draws per day for my husband to monitor his condition, the pediatrician ordered suppositories to be administered to my son every 4 hours because his fever wouldn't crash (39 degrees Celsius, no less) and I was told that at this point, both of them were susceptible to hemorrhaging due to their low platelet count. 

And all I could do then was cry. And pray. And cry some more. 

These are the loves of my life we are talking about -- these are the people I have given 5 years (and more) of my life loving to the moon and back -- these are the people I never knew I could love this much -- in fact, so much more than I even loved myself. 

In those 10 days, we all learned a valuable lesson about love and life -- that it is as temporary -- that it is fragile -- that it could be taken away from you without warning -- that health is indeed the greatest wealth we can have -- that crying is okay (because it helps) -- and most importantly, that in times of calamity such as this, what we really need is a handhold that never breaks -- that Allah is indeed the best of planners, no matter how clueless we are of what His plans really are.

Alhamdulillah, the worst is over (and they survived!!!) and we are all recovering physically and mentally from the ordeal. 

And I am grateful to once again be given the opportunity to spend the first day of 2016 (our 5th year Anniversary!!!) with my 2 cheeky monkeys (well, let's make that 3, because it has to include the little baby girl growing inside my tummy), in what must be one of the most appreciated low-key celebrations. 

Thank you Allah for my wonderful family. 

mamahood 101: mama, nak paluk?

My son, just like your children I am sure, is very is to please.

"Mama, nak paluk" seems to be his only request when I get home, before he goes to sleep, when he wakes up and just before we leave home for school. He loves those hugging sessions. It seems to be the remedy to everything. 

I know this because it seems to remedy me, too, but even so...

I never seem to be able to fulfill that simple request, at least not immediately. 

I'm always in the midst of getting something done. I'm always rushing to go somewhere. I'm always too tired or too busy. For a hug. Worst still, I get upset with him for getting upset with me when I refuse him his hug.

What kind of a parent I am, I really don't know.

Although I do try my very best to hug him whenever he wants to be hugged, even let him sit on my lap while I am doing the impossible; ironing work clothes(!!!), it still breaks my heart when I have to tell him... "Sekejap ye, sekejap ye, sekejap ye" multiple times before I can actually sit down with him. What's even more heartbreaking is when he actually understands... and waits outside the toilet door until I am done bathing, and gleefully asks me whether he can have his hug then...

"Mama dah mandi ke? Mama nak Allahuakbar (solat) ke?"

"Yes, Sayang"

"Okay"

And he continues waiting until I am done with everything before seating himself on my lap so that we could recite our doa together. 

There might will come a time, I am sure, when he would be too tired to wait around for me for a simple hug. When that time comes, I guess I'll just have to be prepared to tell myself,

"Serves you right."

 Though I hope with all my heart, that that will never happen and that he would one day understand how much I'm trying to cope with at the moment and how much I wished I could give him all the hugs in the world. 

the household winner.

I try to cook on most days even if I get back home slightly late and even if cooking only means making the simplest dishes, bak kata orang; masak bodoh-bodoh aje. There's a mamak restaurant at my office but really, how long can you survive on mamak without getting bored, ey? I mean like, I can't even stand my own cooking, especially if I've been cooking every single day, so... yeah. 

So, since I like eating home-cooked meals (and so does everyone else at home), I'll normally have a game plan of some sort to make dinner preparation as stress-free as possible. And that means whipping up something that is filling, wholesome and yet easy to prepare such as -

ONE POT MEALS. 

Or more specifically, one post PASTAS.

At one point, I had to google one pot pasta recipes every single day because that was the only form of carb Luqman would take. After a while, my husband and I got really bored of pasta so we ate out so that Luqman could continue to have his pasta while we took a pasta break. 

Be that as it may, one pot pasta remains to be one of my favourite game plans, because it really is as easy as it sounds!

The base ingredients are the same; pasta (duh!), onion, garlic, olive oil, some vege, stock/sauce and protein of your choice and these ingredients are normally readily available in my kitchen.

 

Just 2 days ago, I got home a little late. It was pasar malam day but I really didn't have the mood to go through the whole cari parking, choose food and pay process, I just wanted to get home! So naturally, it turned out to be a one pot pasta day. 

My husband had his own plans that night so he didn't eat that much, leaving us with loads of leftover pasta. Coincidentally, overnight pasta is also a favourite in my household because seriously, it tastes so much better the next day! You should really try!

Last night, both of us had to work late. Of course that meant that there wouldn't be ample time to prepare an elaborate dinner. Luckily we still had the overnight pasta so I just had to buy some protein to add to whatever we had. 

When my husband finally got home, he saw the pasta and the ayam goreng and told me that he only wanted a little bit of pasta but wanted to ratah the ayam goreng. After years of knowing him, I knew better not to kecik hati with this because that only meant that the ayam goreng looked more appealing, no offense to my pasta. So, I obliged and prepared the necessary. 

While he was having dinner, I got other things done and when he was done, I was sooo bummed, I forgot all about the left overs, so I asked him about it. 

"SAYA HABISKAN SEMUA PASTA."

 (and it was ALOT okay!)

Turns out that the pasta was yummier than the store-bought ayam goreng. 

My pasta wins! Yeeehah! 

*flips tudung*

ampat tahun lah!!!

 1/365.

(autopublished)

Oftentimes (in the past years), the actual day of our anniversary isn't always the happiest time of the year. I don't know why (well, I do know why actually) but I have somehow become content with the way things are because what's one day compared to the rest of the (happier) days in that year, which by the way, was wonderful, right?

(that, coming from me was huge, right? hehe)

Like any good old couple, we've had our fair share of fights and arguments, but as thegoodquote.co says, "Never give up. Great things take time." And truthfully, even with all lows that we go through in our marriage, the highs have been pretty amazing too. 

So to the man after my own heart, thank you for all that you do; for the roof over my head, for the food on our table, for your neverending affection and generosity and your efforts in ensuring that we're always happy. 

And I may not say it as often as I should, but I love you, I really do. 

AMPAT TAHUN LAH!!!

♥

(to many more amazing years, in sha Allah okay?)

count your blessings to find what you look for.

So, yesterday, Mama called me to ask me about something. It's been such a long, long, long time since I last talked to her. In fact, it's been a long time since I last updated anyone at home about my well-being; not even on Whatsapp. My sister told me that they're all getting a little worried of my silence. 

Anyway, after we were done talking about business, Mama asked me how things generally are. I think she sort of sensed that I was holding "something" back, mothers naturally being the intuitive people that they are. And with that, came the whole heart to heart session along with the water works, which was expected and also accepted with calming, soothing words from the other side of the line.

Mama then told me that in the face of all this adversity, I really should count my blessings and to always remember that Allah is here for us. And that this phase, like every other good and bad phase I've been through in my life, shall pass.

To many, Mama's advice may just be an overused hackneyed expression meant to be said when nothing else could be said, but I knew that Mama wasn't just using that advice because she had nothing better to advise; she really, really meant it and wanted me to think real hard about it. 

Which I did. 

Yesterday, after battling with a severe bout of demotivation and feeling exhausted from being emotionally battered, I returned to my family, who didn't expect me to be back so early, but jumped with utmost joy from the surprise, nonetheless. 

Last night, as we huddled together under the duvet, trying to keep each other warm (it was raining non-stop yesterday), I realised that that was the happiest I've been in close to a month. And that was probably all it would take to make me really happy for all my life. 

I won't lie and say that I'm feeling a 100% better today, but I'm somewhat feeling better. Because next to that door slammed shut right in my face, are a the million other doors which have widely opened for me. And when I think about those open doors, I know that I'm actually alot luckier than I think. 

how my manicure was ruined.

The last time I did my nails was before I got engaged. Yes, sila percaya. After all, I am a very simple person who needs very little or close to no maintenance and I still feel beautiful (ewah). Whether or not I am still beautiful is of course, a different subjective matter altogether. However, this time last week, I wanted only ONE THING as a treat for myself after receiving my confirmation letter (Alhamdulillah!), which is... if you haven't already guessed it, a manicure-pedicure session. 

So, I went to The Nail Parlour to get my nails done and it was 2 days before my husband noticed. Eheh. And that's the story of how I got my manicure done.

I cook dinner almost daily so at the end of the week, I'm really clueless as to what else I should make. Sometimes, I make whatever I feel like eating on that day, sometimes I try out simple experiments and last weekend, I just asked my husband what he wanted. 

And you know what he said? 

Ayam kurma. 

Period. 

I.WAS.SPEECHLESS. 

When people ask me how I manage to cook almost daily, I just smile and tell them that I just do. Today, I'm feeling generous so I'll let you in on a "secret", which is... I just do. Hehe. Okay, I'm joking. I manage because I plan my meals around things like grilled salmon, grilled chicken salad, one pot pastas and other easy peasy one pot meals like stir fried beef with snap peas, for example. These meals need very little effort, use very little oil and they cook real fast. 

And everyone is happy (and healthy).

Our traditional Malaysian cuisines like curry, kurma, ayam masak merah and the likes are without a doubt, delicious and are the truest forms of one pot meals in my opinion, but they take soooo much effort and time and the amount of oil and fat used, gahh!! Plus at the end of the day, I'm not too sure if anybody is too happy about being served with dinner at 9.30 p.m., (banyak betul alasan aku) so I steer clear of these dishes especially on weekdays. 

But on weekends, I have no excuse not to cook it, right? Especially since my husband asked for it?

So, I defrosted some chicken, set aside the ingredients and searched for a simple recipe on the net because frankly, this meal has never really made it to our dining table before... (bahahahah silalah gelakkan saya sebab nak buat kurma pun kena tengok recipe!).

We had late lunch that day. I remember because we were starving and eating like piranhas. So, that night, when I asked my husband whether he still wanted his kurma ayam, he said no and requested something else. Since I had defrosted all the ingredients, I went ahead to prepare the kurma anyway and fixed another simple dinner for the boys. However, I did let them have a little taste of the kurma gravy that night sebab lauk tak berkuah and for that, this is what I get in my inbox the next day- 

So on Monday, both boys walloped the kurma like nobody's business!

And yesterday, knowing well enough that I surely made more than just one batch of kurma (click here if you don't already know of my overcooking habits!), my husband requested for kurma AGAIN and ate plate after plate of rice while si kenit also finished up his meal with much gusto! They may have just been really, really hungry, but aaah, who cares!

After spending so much money and 75 minutes of my life on the whole mani-pedi treatment last week, that's the story of how my manicure was ruined. 

TOTALLY worth it, if you asked me. 

♥

all is well...

I feel like so much time has passed since my last post because life has been blowing hot and cold at the same time...

Thing is... only a week has passed since then but it has felt so draggy that I honestly thought I've been away for a month or so now. 

But be rest assured that although life's been blowing hot and cold at the same time... all has been well. 

So, what's been up since my last post? 

Plenty! 

But for starters, let's just talk about what happened on Raya Haji, okay?

It was one of our best packed trips. I mean it although I'm in charge of packing because on all other trips, we (well, I) normally don't pack our things as well as I did that weekend. We had all clothes (and extras too) neatly folded and rolled in our luggage bag, organised by which is to be worn with what and on which day. This year's Raya Haji was to be our jubah theme, grey and brown in colour and it was sukahati theme for the second day. 

I was looking forward to a relaxing time since it was an extended weekend.  Plus, we were planning to spend time with our extended family too, which is always fun. And since I didn't get to do that with them during Raya Aidilfitri, that was something I was REALLY looking forward to.

Thing is... on Friday night, after Luqman woke up from his nap after school... he developed a fever. 

After our Northbound trip (more on that later!) and everything else that happened in between then and Raya Haji, that was kind of expected, I guess. So, we prepared for the worst but at the same time, we hoped (or rather knew) that he would bounce back in no time, because he always does!

Thing is... although active as ever, he was deep, deep down feeling very unwell.

He didn't want to eat. 

Didn't want to drink.

Didn't want to do anything apart from play. And nurse from me. 

And then, he developed  rashes. 

Rashes.

Which eczematous child doesn't have rash, right? 

But does an eczematous child develop rash all over his stomach, back, hands, legs and neck so suddenly?

Does an eczematous child develop fever along with the rash?

With all the dengue cases I hear about both from people known and unknown, you'd know by now how much of a nutcase I was just thinking about the possibilities, right?

So, we started googling for more information. It was either that or chicken pox...

"But he's so active."

"He doesn't seem to be in pain."

"And he's not vomitting."

BUT HE COULD HAVE IT, REGARDLESS, RIGHT?

But since he was still so upbeat especially during the day, it must be chicken pox and not that, right?

Gah, I tell you, the thoughts that went on in my head! 

Coupled with the non-sleep I was getting... I think you can all take a wild guess now as to how Raya turned out for us...

I spent the morning sleeping in because both Luqman and I couldn't sleep the night before; him because he was itching and me, because he was itching.

And instead of heading over to my Aunt's place in Serdang, we spent the afternoon looking for any clinics within the vicinity which might be opened, just so we could ease our fears a bit but no such luck.

There was the "Hospital" option but we already knew that at the mention of Luqman's insurance and the showing of his Gold Card... they would find every reason to admit him so that they could administer every single (expensive) "treatment" they could without much mercy and without even considering it's actual necessity.

So we scraped that idea and bought air kelapa and calamine lotion instead. 

Went back home and we all bunked in front of the TV, intermittently offering Luqman air kelapa (masking it with a little ribena for the colour) and he hated it! Hahaha. We probably managed to give him about half a cup in total throughout the weekend but it's okay because it turns out that...

HE HAD NEITHER THAT NOR CHICKEN POX!

for which, ALHAMDULILLAH FOR THAT! 

We were in Bangi on Monday and finally found a panel clinic which was opened. Met with a slightly strict doctor, who I rather like, who had wonderful staff, who told me that his rashes were not typical of a dengue rash or chicken pox (I honestly thought they were) and immediately gave Luqman a prick test to clear the air and any doubts that I had in my head. 

Turns out to be a viral fever. And the rashes? It was just typical of some kids to develop rashes when they develop a fever and since Luqman is kind of fair skinned... it became more prominent.

 After the visit to the clinic, Luqman seemed to be in a happier mood and he even developed an appetite!!! And after all those days of not eating, I think he finally figured that the last thing he wanted to do was to starve himself. Plus the fresh air (though I wouldn't really say it's that fresh) did him good I guess and we all know that he hates to be cooped up in the house so perhaps his only real prescription was to get out of the house?

*Phew*

After all that drama, eh?

But after being home for 3 days now... I can really say with some certainty that yes, despite it all... all has been well. 

My 6.a.m. meeting, this morning.

Welcome back, boy!

(and hello, hello to you a good night's sleep! ;))

my instant best friend.

The best thing about having your own sister, is that you have an instant best friend. Sure, you make friends while you're growing up, sure it's nice to have colleagues who understand, but nothing beats having your own sister as your best friend.

Adik and I were never particularly close while we were growing up. I was always away and she has always looked up to my brother as her "hero", not surprising, seeing the amount of time they spend with each other. While we never fought much, we never really talked much either.

But as we grew up, we started to confide in each other about everything. And as she grew older, we also became Whatsapp buddies. And shopping buddies. And "let's ogle over this together" buddies. And OOTD buddies. Okay, that's enough, you get the drift. Now that she's 20 and I'm... well, still 20-ish, we have so many things in common it's just difficult to NOT tell each other everything. 

So, imagine how I felt when I saw this baby sister of mine leaving for Australia last February. While my brother was betting on who would cry the most, I surrendered even before the game began. I knew I was going to cry the hardest (which I did). I knew that she was no longer that "baby" and that I had to let her go. She's such a big girl already!

In a way, I'm kind of glad that our parting was short and sweet. 

Still, doesn't make it any less sad, especially when I see something and immediately think of her, like how I saw this yummy looking banana chocolate muffin at McCafe earlier this year and wanted to tell her "Let's taste this together and see if it's better than the one we normally have!", only to realise that it's probably going to be a couple of years before I get to see her again! Gahh!!!

Thing is... I don't have to wait for a couple of years for that because she'll be back in November. 

While she's homesick, I'm terribly Adiksick as well. 

Like, how can I NOT be, right?

'Cause we're both creepy like that!

CAN'T WAIT!

♥

a journey of continous self-discovery

One of our colleagues is getting married pretty soon (like tonight!) and each time she talks about it, the rest of us ladies (all married) have been scaring her off the idea and we tell her that there's still time for her to change her mind. Of course, we do it in good fun and all in jest but we do hope that she pays heed to some of the the advice we manage to slip in, in between all our jokes. 

After talking about marriage with other married women... I came to realise that all married women have something to say about it. Which begs the question of,

"Why do we get married in the first place?" 

 In this time and age, I think almost everyone who gets married does it at his/her own volition. And that means we make the decision to get married with open eyes and open arms and that we are aware of what a marriage entails. 

Only we're normally not. Not fully aware anyway.

And I say this because I think of marriage as a journey of continuous self-discovery; of what you're worth when you are half or part of something else. Sure we have strengths of our own but can those strengths work when we have to work together?

chatterbox.

I've never really minded milestones or unlocking of achievements where my child is concerned, so long as he is healthy and growing wonderfully, and with that, I try my best not to compare him with children of his age. 

But sometimes, I DO worry because after all, I am all in all a mother. 

Sometimes, I talk to other parents about my concerns and then they tell me to ask Luqman about those concerns since we're close and that means that he would gladly open up if I asked. 

I then say my thanks to those other parents and part with them even more worried than I was before because when I do ask Luqman things like "How was school?" or "Luqman buat apa hari ni?" or "Ada orang pukul/gigit/cubit tak hari ni?", he still replies with gibberish (at least to my ears...). 

And then I start wondering if there's something wrong with him since he can't really answer any of my questions coherently and whether he has a speech problem or whether he is behind his peers in certain areas...

So much for not worrying and not comparing, eh?

But this Raya... Masya Allah, banyaknya dia cakap!

As of today, Luqman can say, among other things - 

"Eh, apa tu ni?"

(curious about everything and confused whether to ask tu or ni! hahahaha...)

  "Ala, Mama, pis (please) la!!!"

(when I refuse to let him nurse from me (yes, he's still on the B!)...)

"EH, INI UMAN KUNYA (punya)!!!"

(when anybody tries to touch whatever it is he deems as his!)

and the latest revelation which happened just last weekend...

I was shopping for groceries and Luqman was really thirsty so my husband bought him (and himself) some juice. 

In the car, Luqman was devouring the juice with all his heart when my husband asked for some juice from him. Reluctant at first (obviously "eh, ini Uman kunya" came into the picture) he finally relented when Daddy said please.

My husband then said,

"Ala, dah nak habis dah? Tak ajak Daddy minum pun!"

To which Luqman replied,

"Ada satu lagi.",

dengan muka dan tone suara seposen.

He must have seen the other box of juice my husband bought and assumed that it was his as well, but "ada satu lagi???". SIAPA AJAR DIA NI! HAHAHAHAHA. 

Anak, oh anak! You are so worth it. Alhamdulillah.

(clearly, whatever he was talking about before was gibberish only to my ears. from whatever little experience I have, if you want to improve your child's ability in speech, please do talk to him/her (not in pelat language ye please!) even if their replies are non-coherent. in time, it will pay off, in sha Allah!)

;)

budaya menunggu...

Menunggu apa? 

Menunggu open house baru nak pergi melawat.

I don't know when this culture began but has for some reason become a well-accepted one. 

This year, I was all set on changing that culture and practice. I believe that you shouldn't wait for invitations for houses to be "open". It's Raya so houses should be open all the time (with certain limitations, of course). As it is, our time with family is now limited to only weekends and festivities and now this; having to wait until you're invited to go to some aunt's our uncle's or relative's house before you can actually visit? 

Absurd, I say!

So this year, at every opportunity I got, I visited friends and families alike. Not exactly easy with an overly active toddler in hand, whose timing and mood is pretty unpredictable most of the time, but do-able all the same.

And with that, this year's Raya has become one of the most enjoyable ones I've had in the longest time (actually since I started to not get the green sampuls for myself, boohoo!). 

But in all seriousness, there's just something about visiting some other person's house (not during an open house), which promotes a certain closeness and forges a bond between the guest and host. 

When you visit a person or family (not during an open house), they are in their (for lack of better word) "rawest" form; they are probably in their casual clothes and they'll probably serve whatever it is they were planning to have for dinner or tea or lunch. And frankly, for the one visiting, it doesn't really matter (for me at least) because the whole point of the visit was to keep in touch, to inquire about each others' well being, to catch up and to make sure that silaturrahim tidak terputus. 

So, go! 

Visit your aunts and uncles and relatives and friends. Be mindful of your manners, never overstay your welcome and always be sure to be grateful for their efforts in trying to make you feel at home.  

Likewise, open up your houses to children. Let your relatives and neighbours come over. Get the satisfaction of seeing them sprawled on your living room carpet after a lovely homemade meal that you cooked, biarlah ikan goreng dan sayur rebus sahaja sekalipun. 

And pray and hope that in the event we predecease our husband and children, they would have more than just their family members' houses to call a place their home.

1435, Syawal

Hello, August.

Sedar tak sedar, kan? Time sure does fly. Phew!

Selamat Hari Raya to everyone out there! Maaf zahir dan batin. Kosong-kosong okay?

How's it been for everyone? 

For us, it's been very low key and simple.

First day of Raya in Melaka this year and it was full quorum at Mak's house so although low key, it was plenty meriah!

No doubt I was sad that Ramadan passed by so fast, but having a child of my own has definitely tipped the scales on the "Excitement Scale" of Raya, especially so this year. Luqman is now at that age where he's able to comprehend most things and he's quite receptive towards our emotions so we're always trying our best to make sure we're happy all the time to give Luqman the spillover effect of our happiness. 

Seems to be working, so I think it's kind of safe to say that we're having quite the time of our lives so far. 

xxx

When people say that "rezeki bertambah bila kahwin", I always agree. No doubt there were times that even we faced financial crises of our own, but I always remind myself that rezeki doesn't always come in monetary form.

For me, among the "rezeki" Allah gave me when I married my husband is that I got myself a new set of grandparents.

Lain tau ada atuk and nenek ni. After my Atuk's passing, my family has been very different. We are no longer stuck to each other like superglue and we've just lost reason to meet up because I guess it's easier to plan our ways separately these days? Plus, everyone's been superbly busy, so it's been really difficult for us to get together. *Sigh*

So, when I married my husband, maka merasa lah dapat atuk and nenek semula and duduk rumah kampung dan berebut siapa dapat mandi dulu all over again, which is awesome! The fact that nenek is a great cook and spoils me (and everybody else) with endless supply of food all day long, every day while we were there is a huge, huge bonus too!

Serious berbeza perasaan tu bila beraya dekat kampung. And amat berbeza perasaan itu bila ada orang tua yang manjakan kita tahap tak ingat dunia.

Dengan itu, tak pastilah how many kilos have been added to my weight as good food has been very hard to resist!

>.<

xxx
 

City Boy meets Kampung.

Since Luqman is in that curious and inquisitorial stage of his life, the kampung experience was a timely one for him. Every day, he would look out the door and stare in amazement at the chickens nenek rears in her lawn. And then, he would mock the chicken and tell me to chase after them just to see them "fly".

Since he's always on the go, his appetite improved immensely too, which is good news for us!  

The only bad news for this Raya is that...

We don't have a decent family photo.

Which if you've read my previous post, you'd know why.

*Sigh* Penat Mama cari sampin cantik dan alter untuk kamu, tahu!

This year, I've clearly failed! Tahun depan berbeza, in sha Allah!

closest to decent that we have.

xxx

Well, anyways, with only 2 days left til my Raya leave ends, I'm going to get going now because there's just so little time, so much to do!

Selamat Hari Raya to all out there! I hope you're all having loads of fun too!

fashion (non)sense.

I responded "Yes" for an office buka puasa which was held yesterday since about 2 weeks ago after getting the greenlight from my husband. 

So naturally, after getting home from work yesterday, I didn't prepare anything to eat at all. The plan was that we would break fast, pray and leave the house right after. Simple. 

Some time before we left though, my husband asked me what would be appropriate for him to wear to the function. Masa itu barulah teringat that I needed to prepare Luqman's clothes as well. 

Knowing how much Luqman idolizes his Daddy, I took out their matching baju melayus and while I was doing that, Luqman saw one of his old Upin Ipin t-shirts and insisted that he be allowed to wear it. 

Normally, I don't mind him picking out his own clothes, no matter how mismatched or horrible they are. I've read before that it is one of the ways toddlers express themselves and it is also one of the many ways they'll learn about appropriateness (or lack of) and I'm all for learning through real life lessons. But yesterday wasn't any normal day, so I really wasn't big about him having inappropriate fashion (non)sense just as we were about to attend an office event! 

Be that as it may, after much coaxing to no avail, we allowed him to leave the house clad in his midriff baring t-shirt, diapers and no pants. Yes, I repeat, NO. PANTS. 

(fortunately (for Luqman), no photo either)

In the car, we tried coaxing him again, with no such luck. Outside the car, we taunted and mocked him, but still... no such luck. So, we gave up trying and decided that he had to learn the hard way i.e. through peer pressure from meeting friends of his own age (who we hoped had some decent pants on).

You know what happened?

He sat at the table... dan buat muka seposen. On top of that, he refused the food I fed him and threw everything out the moment it reached his mouth. Knowing that that situation had the potential to develop into a full-blown tantrum, my husband picked him up and told me, "Let's leave", which we did. 

At this point, we hadn't eaten anything substantial or filling, we were hungry and angry and our patience was running low. I noticed that we began snapping at each other although we both knew that whatever it was that took place last night was due to no fault of our own. 

When we got home, we expected Luqman to further throw a tantrum of some sort or you know, like totally zonk out from fatigue or something... just to make sense out of the whole thing... but he just sat happily in front of the TV eating the sunny side up I prepared for him, and asking for more food, crackers and drinks. He even let us both eat dinner in peace (thank God I prepared some food for sahur earlier).  

Til now, his reasons for refusing to wear his baju melayu and not wanting to wear his pants are still very much lost on us. At times like this, I find myself conflicted with all kinds of emotions; between wanting to let the inner mom in me emerge and let my child express himself to his heart's content while also wanting to teach my son that some level of propriety is required in certain situations like last night, for instance.

I honestly don't know at which point in his and my life that I should expect a certain level of understanding of these kind of proprieties.. but if you see our Raya family portrait with one of us (obviously not my husband or I) either not wearing pants or not clad in his traditional baju melayu... you'd know that I (for the time being) have failed to educate my son just yet.

And to think that when I saw this, I thought that I've seen the worst.

fashion (non)sense.

*Sigh*