October 20, 2017

save your sermons, keep them to yourself.

"It's a stage where you are on a constant quest for balance, and can never find it."
- Quoted

I'm sure most of you have read the post some random Mom wrote on Facebook, which tugged at the heartstrings of so many other random mommies worldwide, which is where I quoted the above from. 

What she wrote was, on all levels, true -- the truth and nothing but the truth. 

So, imagine having to deal with "the truth" mostly alone. 

I hate claiming that I am doing it "alone" because I am not a single mother. I am not the only parent. And I am definitely not the only one in this. I know it. He knows it. He knows that I know it. 

But there are times when I can't help feeling like I am in this alone... 

It is not due to any fault of my own -- or anyone else's for the matter. And there really isn't anyone to blame for the way I feel about things... but I can't help but wish that there was someone or something I can point my finger to so that I can finally rest my weary head and say that I'm okay -- that I'm not the problem.

Is it weird that I always feel like I'm constantly being judged for my parenting; my decisions; my way of doing things?

Is it weird that I feel annoyed when someone tries to impose on me their "ideals" without them knowing or acknowledging what my reality is like, which makes their ideals sound mostly like a dream in my world? 

I've lost count of the many times I've forgiven others for their "sermons" on how I should deal with my shortcomings because I know that they don't know what the reality is like -- what my reality is like. I forgave them because I know that they don't know that I have felt like running away from home more times than I care to remember as an adult than I ever felt like when I was a kid.

I've also lost count the many times I try to brush off those who tell me that I should have thought about the "consequences" of getting married and starting a family and that I should just deal with it now because I asked for it.

What they don't know is that people hurt and heal differently and for many different reasons unbeknownst to each of us -- sometimes even to the person hurting and healing.

What they don't know is that I love my children with all of my soul -- they are my world -- I cannot imagine what my life would be like without them -- I can't even sleep without them. I will never let them leave my sight. THAT is how much I love my children.  

And I also know that my husband is away by choice... but only for the best interest of this little family we built together. We made the decision together, consciously and under no pressure or pretext whatsoever. We were very well aware that I would be "alone"... that he would be even more alone and that this whole arrangement would be hard. SO, so HARD.

And in preparation of all the obstacles we could foresee, we prepared ourselves, both physically and mentally.

But that still doesn't stop us from feeling the way we feel about things right now because how could you foresee how something so life changing like this would affect and inflict onto you? Is it physical? Is it mental? Or emotional? How do you even describe it in so many words?

Yes. I'm going out on a limb today just to come clean. Mostly with myself. This is one of the first few steps I'm taking towards healing my hurting soul.

So, the next time I come forward to anyone at all about the way things are going on in my life, do me a favour. Just listen. I know what the ideal life should be like -- I'd very much like to have that life. So, just listen, and save your sermons. Keep them to yourself. 

October 19, 2017

where do broken hearts go? can they find their way home?

I have been getting comments on how off-ish I seem of late and as much as I don't give much of a hoot about what people think of me, I am becoming more and more annoyed with such comments because it came from not one person, but many

So, I took a step back ... and reflected. 

And after much consideration, I figured that I need some healing. Some serious healing. 

And since I'm dealing with this kind of pain, I knew that the healing needed to be spiritual in nature. 

AND... after "1 session", my healing kick-started with tears. So many tears! It was both confusing and relieving at the same time but I knew that it was Allah's answer to the burden and pain I'm carrying --  I needed to let go. I needed to open up about things. I needed to be true to myself. I needed to admit that negativity never suited me. Plus, upon reflection, I can't remember the last time I really, really cried. So, that cry was good. Really good.

So, where do broken hearts go? Can they find their way home?

All I can say is that there was always a way home. I was just too scared to find it in all the darkness I created within me. Now that I can see a glimpse of that light, I know that at some point, I'll be fixed -- healed.

And I'll be shining as bright as a diamond again. 


October 16, 2017

can't hardly wait


It's only mid-October and I'm already getting impatient for 2018 to come. 

2017 has so far been a pretty bleurgh year for me. Perhaps it's because it's part of the first 2 years of "new motherhood" for me what with having a new baby and breastfeeding and the whole works or maybe it's the pile of new responsibilities that I've had to deal with at work that has made this year the way that it is.

Don't get me wrong, there have been some super highlights in 2017 both professionally and personally, but it still doesn't stop me from wanting 2018 to come quick. Is it weird that I feel that way about things?

Speaking of 2018... have you already thought about what you'd like to do or be in 2018? 

I can't remember the last time I made some real resolutions about anything at all since I now basically let every single day work itself out. And probably that has been one of the causes of why my life is the way it is because in a way... I'm just attracting "nothingness" in my everyday, don't you think?

"If you fail to plan, you plan to fail"... isn't that what people always say?

And I'm scared I'm not planning my life properly so I'm seriously hoping to change that. 

And in so doing, I really need to know how to revive a "dead heart"...

Have you ever felt as numbed and jaded as I am feeling like right now?

I seem to avoid every motivational quote I come across these days because I feel like it is impossible for someone to feel so positive about everything all the time... and trust me this coming from me is scaring myself because wasn't I the one who did the #100happydayschallenge and felt so strongly about how it totally changed my 2014?

So, I'm thinking... since I so voluntarily got myself sucked into this invinsible "black hole", I must make a conscious effort to get myself back out of it because this is not how I want things to be going forward. SURELY... there must be a silver lining to everything... right?

I'm sure I'm just the one who's just too blurred to see it at this point. And in any case, I can't wait for 2018 to come.

September 21, 2017

my son turned 5, and I cried.

Went through my draft list and found a post written on April 3rd, 2017. And decided to post this anyway, for memory's sake.

Somehow, my son turning 5 turned into an emotional event for me. 

I guess the whole year leading to his 5th birthday was such a roller coaster ride, that seeing how much he's grown in a year somehow overwhelmed me. 

And I thought... if I'm this overwhelmed, imagine how overwhelmed he is.

Since the birth of Ayesha, I think I have become so much harder on him.

I imposed on him the Big Brother Role because I believed that he was ready to take it on. And I do actually believe that he is ready. But then, despite being so mentally prepared to be a Mom of Two (or so I thought), due to my lack of readiness in dealing with 2 children with such vastly different needs, I did not have the patience to let the role sink in.

I just demanded that he get along with the programme, just like I did.

In turn, it made him stronger, tougher. Not sure about being more responsible voluntarily, but he took on the simple roles I made him do to make him understand that I would no longer do them for him anymore because I had more than just him to care for -- and that Ayesha is part of that little world which used to belong to only us.

And (with much resentment) he understood... he really did. And with that came the change which I so demanded out of him... (I'm not too sure I like them all...)

And there is not a day where I don't wonder if I've damaged him by being so hard, so tough, so demanding.

There are days when I would stare out into space with a blank look on my face and tears would form out of the "no thoughts" in my head.

Some days it got so bad, that once my friend had to convince me that I was doing fine... and that if I wasn't , my children would not be thriving as well as they did... that I am enough.

Haih...

Right this moment, I am able to command some kind of "fear" just by raising my eyebrows at him over something he did or said... Right this moment, I'm okay with that although some mothers will agree to disagree with me and my methods.

But my baby a year ago... is no longer "that baby".  And I'm pretty sure that in another year... he'll be another version of himself.

And I honestly don't know how to feel about that.

September 10, 2017

my and the social media.

Blogging used to be so much fun. Sharing used to be so much fun.

But now, I feel like everything you say could be used against you in the most adverse way possible. 

And as much as I don't get why, I do somehow believe in the "evil eye", which I believe is the very reason I have so much hesitance in posting anything because the question I keep asking myself every.single.time I feel like sharing anything now is...,

"Motip?"

Somehow, I feel that these questions I keep asking myself stem from my own annoyance with the influx of unnecessary information on social media of late (like on Instagram, for instance).

I keep wondering why people share the things they do and to be completely honest, there are times when their postings make me feel somewhere between annoyance and jealousy, which is totally and completely ridiculous! And not to mention unhealthy! Because surely, there was no malice intent in their postings as they were just sharing. It's called SHARING, Hanisa!

And still!

It goes to show that although I am not an evil person in general, I do at times question other people's motives when they share something, when it's really none of my business! So I keep imagining having an evil person looking at my innocent postings with an evil eye and that sets off alarms which puts me in a whole new level of paranoia.

So anyways, my Instagram is a little dead right now because I don't know how much of myself I'm willing to expose (such an ironic statement considering the activities going on in this blog haha) and though I'm not sure why I blog anymore apart from wanting to have some keepsakes for my own future reference, here I am sharing away some of my life because here's where I feel the "safest".

I do sometimes wonder if I'm the only one having such chronic love-hate with the social media.

September 08, 2017

where do I even begin?

There really isn't anyone or anything to blame for my absence from this space. I've lost count of the many times I've stared into this "Compose" space and wondered,

"Where do I begin?"

Because between then (read: the last post) and now... so many things have taken place. And each time I think of everything that has happened during that space of time, my reactions range from anxiety to relief to sadness. Worst still, there are times when they're all bundled as one huge feeling ... and that's when it becomes overbearingly overwhelming.

Like it is today. 

And just so happens, both my babies are sound asleep and I'm running on more caffeine that usual, which is why I'm still awake. So, I decided to come back to this "old friend" of mine to see if I could "unload" ... in hopes that I would feel a whole lot better later.

So, anyway, I digress. Let's get back to where I should begin.

Because really. After all this time, how do I even begin?

Shall we begin with the multiple clinic visits and  hospitalisations that happened 2 weeks apart in the span of 6 weeks?

Or should we start with how my relationship with my son has changed since he turned 5?

Maybe we could begin with how a long distance relationship has shaped and affected the dynamics of this clingy clan I have called my nucleus family?

Or should we start with how different I have become since I've had no choice but to be strong? And also how much I resent being "tough" at times?

Or shall we begin with how strongly I have been feeling lately about how unappreciated working women are in general and how my contributions somehow seem insignificant no matter how much I put in?

Really. With all of these going through my head. Is there really anywhere that I can begin?

All I know is that I no longer know how to unload this load on my back, in brain and everywhere else that hurts. Which is why I'm back here right now, trying to let some of that pain go.

Because I think that August is the straw that broke the camel's back. And I really need an outlet to let go.

In August, I was physically and emotionally stretched -- both at home and at work. If felt like such a long month (it is a long month with 31 days to begin with) and each day felt like a neverending battle against time. By the end of each working day, I just wanted to get back home to my babies -- but I didn't really want to. I'm not sure if that makes any sense at all, but I'm sure some people would understand how it is that I feel. And that unhealthy cycle just went on and on and on -- like a carousel that wouldn't stop.

Hence here I am -- looking green and sick. Sick from the routine. And sick of being tired. If I had to pick one word that could succinctly explain my current feelings -- it would be jaded.

So, now that I've unloaded some of that off... how does a jaded person like me even begin? Really. I'd really like to know how do I even begin.

April 15, 2017

The Four Promises.

These past 2 weeks have been an amazing time for my little family. 

Despite the amount of convincing I had to do at the office, I managed to get my long leave approved... just because I needed to take a break. Not sure what kind of music I'll be facing when I get back to the mothership on Monday... but I know that it'll be worth it.

And to make use of this long break, we held a little Birthday Lunch for our kids with family and close friends, we went on a little holiday by the beach, we huddled to sleep together on the daily, played house and let the kids have extended bedtimes, just for the fun of it.

During this break, I've also been able to have some real conversations with my husband about all the things that matter; life, future, properties and religion. 

And on the topic of religion, we talked about what it felt like to feel so "removed" from Allah. 

Because truth to be told, of late, I have felt that way one too many times. And I don't know why.

Well, even if I did know why, there's actually very little that I can do to change it -- and therein lies the problem.

Because you see, as a mother, you are required to give 200% of yourself to motherhood -- even when you don't want to. So, being a "single parent" means that you've got to give double the attention and TLC to your kids, which means that you'd have very little of anything left to yourself... including time with your God. 

I know that children shouldn't be the reason but anyone who's been in my reality would know that I don't at all intend to use my children as a reason and honestly, I really miss time with my God. 

Having some time off from work gave me time to think about how to improve my relationship with God. Because like I said before, I miss my time alone with Him. So, I figured, even if I could no longer spend hours in prostration to Him, maybe I could just open up to Him right before I sleep and pray -- as in pray hard and submit to Him wholly (tawakkal) with hopes that whatever deeds I have done for the day would be enough.

And so, my journey of total submissiveness began. While putting my kids to sleep, I prayed,

"Ya Allah, please help me Ya Allah. I don't know what else I should do."

And that is really all it took.

Total submissiveness was really all that was required for Allah to bring light on my plight. 

Therefore, I am writing this today so that (you and) I shall never forget the 4 promises - 

(1) Remember Me, and I will remember you;
(2) Ask Me, and I shall give you;
(3) If you give thanks, I will give you more; and
(4) Allah will not punish them while they seek forgiveness. 

So, whatever you do, whatever you problems, don't give up on praying. 

It really isn't too late to ask. 



April 03, 2017

be kind - none of us can make it alone in this world.


Readers of this space would probably think that I am exactly like I am here and in real life -- at least in terms of how open I am about my life.

Truth is, my whole "make up" is the complete opposite; I don't really trust that easily; I hardly open up to those who I don't know on a personal basis; and though I don't really have a resting bi*ch face, many have confessed that they don't find me that approachable.

Kind of makes this space a contradiction in itself, since I have absolutely no idea who exactly is reading these mindless rants of mine. And yet, I've been pouring my heart out in this space for years with so much comfort, so much so that some might think that they know me though they've never met me.

I actually don't enjoy being unapproachable. And although I'm not really that sociable or outgoing, I do occasionally enjoy random conversations with random people and I wonder how I can be just a little slightly more than friendly, at the very least.

Which is why at the very beginning of 2017, I have resolved to try.

And... to my surprise, my efforts are beginning to reap extremely desirable effects. People around me who never knew me personally before, who initially thought I am "Super" now know that I, just like them, am human too -- that I have off days with my kids, that I enjoy online shopping and that I crave for some downtime from work although I love to work. 

It took so much for me to open up, but it took so little for them to accept the fact that I am not invincible.

Which then lead me to resolve on another thing, which is to be kinder to women in general.

Not sure about how things are on your end, but on my end, people seem to glorify a man's efforts, while the same effort in women is shun. Simple example - a man rushes home after work because he has to pick up his children = sweet and responsible, But if a woman does the same? = unfocused and doesn't know her priorities.

See what I mean?

Worst thing is that it's the women who belittle other women. We are our own worst enemy. 

Hence my earlier new resolution.

So, I'm basically writing this today to say that I'm just a normal human being. And that I have off days. And that I'm tired of being a woman belittled by other women. And so, I will continue to congratulate women for their husband's and their own successes. Because once in a while, people need to be reminded that behind every successful man is a (physically and mentally) strong woman and that none of us can make it in this world alone. So, be kind.

With that, Happy Monday everyone.

March 17, 2017

some sense of normalcy.

The other day, I saw my neighbours arriving home from work at the same time. 

I was in the kitchen, cradling Ayesha on one hand while preparing the kids' dinner with the other.

And as I watched (or more like stalked) them, I started feeling... for lack of better word..., lonely.

My days and nights (apart from those 10 hours at work) are normally filled with all these "single-handed" activities. So though there are technically 3 people in the house, there's actually very little communication going on. Adult conversations are confined to our daily video calls. And most conversations revolve around what's showing on YouTube and who did what in school. And on the bad days, the house is like an army camp -- no one (but me) gets to say anything. But hey Mama's got to do what she needs to do (right?). 

So, I guess whatever it is that I felt yesterday evening has been a long time coming. 

People tell me that I'm lucky because I still get to see my husband at least 2 weeks once, and that I should appreciate his efforts of wanting to be with us, whenever he can.

It goes without saying that I'm the luckiest woman alive to have him as mine, and better still, to have him home to be with his kids. 

But sometimes, I think people (inadvertently) forget... that those left behind do have a set (or maybe many sets) of challenges of their own and most times, the struggle is real... so real -- 

I feel that being left behind hurts just as much as being the one leaving. I know that it shouldn't be a battle about who's hurting more because who on earth would want that kind of competition and frankly, we're both aware of each others' situation...

It's just that sometimes... I struggle  --

And I question the decisions we've made.
And doubt the love we have.
And I ponder on the daily if there is anything that I can do to make myself feel better. 

And I wonder if some day we'd be able to feel some sense on normalcy, whatever it is that may now be.


March 15, 2017

what day is it, and in what month?

Hello,
hello,
hello...

... is there any body in there?! Just nod if you can hear me...

It's been such a long time since I even had the chance to even think of escaping into this world.

No excuses whatsoever as I don't intend to justify my absence. And there really isn't any need for wild guesses as to what I've been up to because hey, I'm a Working Mom of Two with No Help, so that pretty much sums up where all my time and efforts have gone to (I think, HAHAHA).

Quite frankly, I would say that this is one of the toughest "jobs" I've ever had in my life.

I'm not too sure if I'm being too hard on myself or if it's actually normal to beat yourself up over all my little failures in motherhood, but to be honest, I really do feel like a loser on the daily. 

And honestly, it becomes exhausting over time, leaving me tired and uninspired. 

So on days like these, when I'm extra lacking in inspiration, I like to read through my old posts to reminisce the good old days.

And it gets me wondering -- were the good old days really better, or have I developed the inability to be grateful for everything good that I now have? Or could it be that my standards of what is "good" and "bad" be so horribly screwed that I can no longer differentiate one from the other?



February 08, 2017

Superwomanry.

image googled.
So the other day, I took Atiya Ayesha for her 9-month check-up and jab. And I met this nice petite lady at the nursing room where we instantly started telling each other of our... "predicament".

I'm guessing that she had just had the longest weekend and the rain that morning certainly didn't help her with ferrying her own circus clan out of the house to their respective schools and like me, she had to rush to get her baby for their appointment too. 

Hence, discovering someone else also living with the same plight certainly felt like finding sanctuary. At least that's how it felt to me. 

She asked me what my plans are going forward and I told her that I have, for a long time now, given up on Superwomanry. 

Because as you all already know, I certainly didn't ace the first few months as a Mom of Two. Heck I'm still grasping at straws even though it's been almost a year since, which is the very reason why I have decided to hang my "Superwoman" cape for good.

I always tell people that it's okay to ask for help; that a mother is of no use to anyone if she is sick, or unhappy, or overly tired -- Because sure, becoming a mother does come with its own set of sacrifices and challenges -- that's granted.

But when in the moment, the heart needs some intensive convincing that we've gained more than that which we have lost. And that's where most of us are fighting a lost cause. Because we're told to suck it up and to get used to it and that we are not grateful when we whine or pull a long face when the going gets tough. 

I wasn't too sure where I was going with this post when I began. But I guess I just wanted to let some things off my chest. And I wanted everyone to know that I'm still here, and that I personally feel like it's okay for me to lose my sh*t sometimes.

Especially right this moment when I can no longer remember what it feels like to be me...