"It's a stage where you are on a constant quest for balance, and can never find it."
I'm sure most of you have read the post some random Mom wrote on Facebook, which tugged at the heartstrings of so many other random mommies worldwide, which is where I quoted the above from.
What she wrote was, on all levels, true -- the truth and nothing but the truth.
So, imagine having to deal with "the truth" mostly alone.
I hate claiming that I am doing it "alone" because I am not a single mother. I am not the only parent. And I am definitely not the only one in this. I know it. He knows it. He knows that I know it.
But there are times when I can't help feeling like I am in this alone...
It is not due to any fault of my own -- or anyone else's for the matter. And there really isn't anyone to blame for the way I feel about things... but I can't help but wish that there was someone or something I can point my finger to so that I can finally rest my weary head and say that I'm okay -- that I'm not the problem.
Is it weird that I always feel like I'm constantly being judged for my parenting; my decisions; my way of doing things?
Is it weird that I feel annoyed when someone tries to impose on me their "ideals" without them knowing or acknowledging what my reality is like, which makes their ideals sound mostly like a dream in my world?
I've lost count of the many times I've forgiven others for their "sermons" on how I should deal with my shortcomings because I know that they don't know what the reality is like -- what my reality is like. I forgave them because I know that they don't know that I have felt like running away from home more times than I care to remember as an adult than I ever felt like when I was a kid.
I've also lost count the many times I try to brush off those who tell me that I should have thought about the "consequences" of getting married and starting a family and that I should just deal with it now because I asked for it.
What they don't know is that people hurt and heal differently and for many different reasons unbeknownst to each of us -- sometimes even to the person hurting and healing.
What they don't know is that I love my children with all of my soul -- they are my world -- I cannot imagine what my life would be like without them -- I can't even sleep without them. I will never let them leave my sight. THAT is how much I love my children.
And I also know that my husband is away by choice... but only for the best interest of this little family we built together. We made the decision together, consciously and under no pressure or pretext whatsoever. We were very well aware that I would be "alone"... that he would be even more alone and that this whole arrangement would be hard. SO, so HARD.
And in preparation of all the obstacles we could foresee, we prepared ourselves, both physically and mentally.
But that still doesn't stop us from feeling the way we feel about things right now because how could you foresee how something so life changing like this would affect and inflict onto you? Is it physical? Is it mental? Or emotional? How do you even describe it in so many words?
Yes. I'm going out on a limb today just to come clean. Mostly with myself. This is one of the first few steps I'm taking towards healing my hurting soul.
So, the next time I come forward to anyone at all about the way things are going on in my life, do me a favour. Just listen. I know what the ideal life should be like -- I'd very much like to have that life. So, just listen, and save your sermons. Keep them to yourself.