December 28, 2017

on the receiving end of rebellion

Mid-2018 will mark my 10th year in Service. 

And my oh my, what a long way I have come from that innocent young officer who once walked through the doors on my first day of work.

I admit that I wasn't the instant favourite. In fact, since I did pretty well in University, I kind of felt entitled -- like I wasn't supposed to be tasked with the "menial" tasks which I was tasked with; that I was worth SO MUCH MORE -- that I deserved whatever it is that I thought I deserved.

Thing is, just like in any organisation, respect is earned; and so is trust. 

And though I learned the hard and long way, at least I took the time to learn.

Now 10 years on, I find myself on the receiving end of rebellion.

I find myself being disappointed with the current breed/crop of officers reporting to duty. I keep thinking about why and how they turned out the way they turned out -- though I must admit that not everything is bad about them, no. They know leeways and loopholes and shortcuts of all sorts and some can be really smart when they put their mind over matter. BUT BUT BUT -- for "old timers" like myself, some successes cannot be reached via shortcuts. And no matter how "open to change" I am and should be about "evolution", there are some things which cannot be substituted, one of them being PURE HARD WORK.

Thing is, there's a grave misconception about "pure hard work". People think that people who put in pure hard work don't "work smart" because there are seemingly "smarter" and "shorter" ways to reach the intended result. But the thing is, if you are not "technically sound" about a particular subject matter you are tasked to, can you really work smart without going that extra mile i.e. putting in the extra effort? 

From years of personal observation, many of us don't think that putting in that extra effort is worth what it really is. Many perceive their hard work to be of no use because Service is so big so really, what is the point of working so hard anyway? Would anyone even care to recognise our efforts in any way?

But why must it always be about what other people think? What about what you think about yourself and how well-earned your money is? I know a thing or two about the importance of getting validation and how hard it can be, but it isn't an impossible feat. What I've learned in this past decade is that the harder I try to make others happy, the less happy I become with the end results. And I'm not saying that we should defy authority on purpose just to prove our worth - I'm just saying that for the most part, you should be yourself -- 

Speaking of which... I am not a rebel at heart and rebellion never looked good on me. To many, I may look like the perfect product of brainwash, whose life revolves around that " Perfect Life Checklist", who chooses to be "safe" and "boring" because I toe the line and conform to the norms of the society. 

The thing is, I'm HAPPY.

Has anyone ever wondered whether I am happy -- despite my seemingly "routine life" and "lack of richness" (i.e. money)? 

Have you ever felt liberated to not be in debt? To not be under the pressure of owning branded goods? To not compare how well your children are doing next to the next genius kid in town who can spell a 100 words at the age of 5? To feel ENOUGH? Have you?

If you haven't, then, you should really stop judging the way I live my life and my personal preference of "staying safe" -- because I have never questioned anyone's personal choices in life no matter how much I disagree. 

Because like I said before, I am HAPPY -- with my life -- the one I chose. So, I think questions about being hard working, and safe and boring should stop because it's bordering on becoming personal insult.


So, maybe I've digressed a little from the original intent of writing this post. 

But it feels good to get this off my chest. 

Because being at the receiving end of rebellion is no fun. 

Dealing with people who think that defying authority just to prove a point isn't fun.

And frankly, people who think that working hard is overrated are way too overrated.

At least I'm pulling my own weight. So, be thankful about that.

December 26, 2017

best decision ever.

Though I've gained a whole lot from motherhood (weight one of it, BAHAHAHAHA), there is one sure thing that I've inadvertently lost, which is my spontaneity.

I admit that I miss that part of me (sometimes), but most times, I'm more than happy to have the kids as the penultimate consideration in everything I do. They've become my check and balance of some sort and frankly I like it that way.

But, on occasion... I do let loose and let that much missed side of me surface. Like I did last weekend.

Last weekend was SO MUCH FUN! On a whim, we went roadtripping with my husband back to his place down south because he had some work commitments he had to attend to. And while he went to work, we had the time of our lives, just chilling and enjoying our time together. 

Also... just to support his event, I joined in the Fun Run and managed to get 3rd! And I also got a prize from the lucky draw! He wasn't biased, I promise! So getting 3rd was all my hard work and getting the prize was just my luck. Though I do think that he was secretly expecting me to get first place because we're both kiasu like that, haha. 

Well, anyways, we all slept in, ate out, played by the beach, dipped in the pool and sang and danced and sang again and though our lives was quite the moving circus, we would definitely do it all over again, I'm sure (though maybe we'll go by flight this time? haha).

And from the trip, there was a major take home lesson for me (especially); I learned to appreciate how much work my husband does to put food on our table and how much effort he puts in to just be home. It was a huge eye opener and I can safely say how proud I am of how well he's doing what he's doing. 

Making that decision on a whim was one of the best decisions I've made, ever!

And now that we're home, we can't hardly wait for our next family trip.

-- happening in 5 more sleeps! 

December 13, 2017

let me photograph you in this light.

“But when she is gone, those photos won’t show your children the women who was behind the camera. Take the photo. Messy hair, no make up or a dirty old t-shirt won’t matter to your children when she is gone someday.”

And just like that, it struck a cord and hit right home.

Not sure how other phones work, but the iPhone has a face recognition function and groups people according to how frequently they are photographed on the phone.

And guess what? 

I'm the only one right now without a folder... on my own phone!


I know some people think that I shouldn't make a big deal out of this... but when I realised that my sister (who is in Australia, by the way!) has a folder of her own, on my phone... I kind of think that things just don't add up. 

I'm with my family (mostly with my kids) almost all the time. We may not be on a perpetual high, forever having fun and we have our off-ish, ugly days... but there are days when I just wished that someone would take a photo of me and me with them, in the same way and with the same care that I take their photos with my children -- whether we (I) look good or not. And I'm really not talking just about my husband. I'm talking about the whole population of people around me also with gadgets of their own, capable of photo-taking.

Sometimes I watch short videos of other people with their babies/children on Instagram and catch myself thinking... "Hey, I did that too!"... followed by... "I wish someone took my photo too..."... And not so much because I want to share my joy with everyone unnecessarily but purely as my own keepsake...

 Some people also suggested that I take more selfies of myself and the kids if I think that having photos with them is sooo important, but really..., "No woman wants to look back at a lifetime of selfies.". So, yeah...

There are times when I wonder if I'm the only one who thinks that it's important that I'm in the photos (some, if not all) and whether I'm a freak for wanting to be part of that "documentary", which is our lives together... but I'm pretty sure that I'm not (?)

Do you think it's too much to want to be part of the life that you are part of?

And how do I solve this "problem" which is seemingly so important to me at this point in my life?

Just for the record, this is a great picture despite the circumstances we were in.

December 04, 2017

hello, my new old friend.

I've resigned to the fact that we can no longer avoid growing older. I've embraced that fact so well now, that growing older doesn't scare or bother me anymore -- in fact, admitting my real age kind of makes me proud.

I know people say that growing old is inevitable and growing up is a choice... and yes, to a certain extent, I do believe that you will only feel as old as you allow yourself to feel. However, I do also think that you cannot not grow up -- as in mature kind of grow up. And no matter how you avoid growing up, maturity will (should) come to you to change you and I think we've all got to believe that that is inevitable too.

Maturity changes a person -- and with that, a person's priorities changes as well.

I think the biggest challenge for those who refuse to grow up is realising that the things which were once so important to everyone of the same age group now no longer seem as important anymore. And the thing is... after we reach a certain age (like, 30, for example), there is no hard and fast rule about what should or should not be important as our circumstances are no longer the same.

We are no longer expected to be struggling to complete our undergraduate studies.
We are no longer expected to be married and have children because that is a highly personal choice.
We are no longer expected to have a 8-5 job because we're old enough to make those kinds of decisions.

And so... to say that another person's priority should be of more or lesser priority than ours is kind of wrong especially when there can no longer be an apple to apple comparison between us. We're no longer one and the same like we used to be.

Having said that though...

I admit that we have to, to a certain extent have a list of priorities... some of them being children, family and old friends... And even so... there are times when we just can't get our priorities right, right? 


Recently, an old friend of mine called another old friend of mine her "new old friend" and it got me thinking really hard about life and how far along we've come and how many people might be calling me as their "new old friend".

Every time someone tells me that I've changed, I tell them that life happened and there was no way for me to stop the change from coming. And inevitably, I would end up being that "new old someone" to that person because I am no longer the person they used to know.

Thing is... though there might be people regarding me as their "new old someone"... I'm frankly not as bothered as I thought I would be because there's just so much going on in my life right now... that I need to keep some other things (which may seem a little less important at this stage in my life) at bay. I feel this way because I too always try to make leeway and concessions for those I know who are going through alot of their own struggles in life... But still... this will always be misunderstood as not putting in enough effort into the relationship, wouldn't it?

Would it be a tall order for me to wish that at some point in life, things (like friendship) will just pick themselves up and we can all start afresh again at a better time when I'm not so busy refereeing the kids?

Or would I be dying alone without friends because I have become that "new old someone" in their lives?

November 27, 2017

we're not broken, just bent.

"Between what is said and not meant 
and what is meant and not said
most of love is lost."
-Kahlil Gibran

Every couple will eventually hit a wall. Or rather... that wall. That infamous, infamous wall most people refer to as the itch. Some people hit the wall at 5 years, others at 7, some at 10... and some... even later in life, just when you thought these things don't happen to people of that age or in that stage of marriage anymore.

Thing is, they do.

And while some people survive and become better, others never make it out of the rut.

All I know is that everyone eventually comes out of it changed

I generally never believed that these kind of things happened to ordinary people like myself. After all, there isn't anything very exciting about my life to begin with, so there was no way for drama to make way.

Until -- WE somehow hit the wall. The so-called elusive wall. 

I'll spare you the sordid details about what happened because we're both okay now and we're completely clueless about how things turned out the way it turned out... but if you asked us both which year was the toughest year for us as a married couple so far, I think we'd both agree in a heartbeat that 2015 was that year. So, though we didn't think we'd ever hit the wall, I kind of think we did.

It's now nearing the end of 2017 and though things haven't been perfect for us, they haven't been all bad either. We have come to the realisation that we're not broken, just a little bent and being bent doesn't always mean a bad thing because you know that a smile is the curve that sets everything straight, right?

We realise now that all we both need is a little reassurance, lots of love and at times... time -- as in time alone kind of time.

I think most couples don't want to talk about "time alone" for fear of sounding ungrateful. After all, soo many couples would kill to have what we have so what are we doing here complaining about having an entourage (of 2 je pun!) constantly asking questions and needing our undying and undivided attention.

Thing is, time alone really is what we need, no matter how selfish some people might view that need to be.

So, each time we realise that time alone is due... we take a break from our kids and go out on a date... just the 2 of us... no matter how hard it is for us to tear ourselves away from them.

And when that happens (like it happened last weekend), we will come back refreshed, seeing each other in a way we never did before and we always come back to our kids as better parents.

So, no matter how guilty you feel about leaving your kids (like I can never ever not check on them every once in a while, while I'm out on a date)... these dates are necessary for our sanity as a couple. Take some time off. Talk to each other about other than the kids. Ask each other questions about each other. Put the phone down -- listen. And have a plan about what you'd like to achieve out of the day so that you make full use of that time alone, doing things you'd otherwise take 3 times the time to do if the kids were around.

After all, we're all not broken, just bent. So surely we can all learn to love again

October 22, 2017

having something to look forward to

Talking about our problems is our greatest addiction. Break that habit. Start talking about our joy.
 - Rita Schiano.

Feels like it's been a while since I had something other than the usual "all in a days work" to look forward to. So agreeing to attend a dinner on Friday night was something truly out of the ordinary for me. 

It was an event I both looked forward to and didn't at the same time. Mostly I looked forward to it because of the change in routine that it offered, but dreaded it the same because socialising over a 500-pax dinner is really just not my thing. 

But, it surprisingly turned out to be alot more fun than I thought it would be! 

To avoid any sort of drama, I decided that it was best to get ready in the office after my meeting rather than at home. So, my colleagues and I had so much fun trying out our clothes and comparing whether this tudung or that tudung would match better. And thank god for them, I managed to borrow a dinner bag at the 11th hour. Haha. Talk about being unprepared for anything! And thanks to them, I also found the courage to apply some bright red lipstick to match the theme! Haha. 

Then during the dinner itself, I had so much good company! Initially I was placed at another table but it was empty upon arrival. I wasn't even ready to go to the dinner... so I definitely wasn't about to sit there alone... so... ermm, I kind of crashed at my friend's table when they told me that there were 4 empty seats. Best. Decision. Everrr. HAHAHAH. 

The rest of the night in good company was spent enjoying good food, and aiming for the lucky draw prizes (one of it a flat screen TV, can you believe it!). Wasn't so lucky this time... and I was genuinely upset when my number wasn't called especially for the flat screen TV hahahha. 

But all in all, it was still a fun night to remember. 

It gave me a reminder that it was good having something to look forward to (although I initially had my own reservations) and that I sometimes need that kind of break. Sure my kids missed me -- Ayesha wasn't even sure how to feel when she saw me arriving at home so she gave me like a nervous cry laugh medley which was both cute and heartbreaking and Luqman obviously couldn't sleep until after I arrived home, which was like about past 11 p.m., which is wayyy past our bedtime but they were okay. Just okay. 

So, yeah. I will continue to agree to things which give me something to look forward to. 

After all, a happy mommy is a better one, don't you think ;)

October 20, 2017

save your sermons, keep them to yourself.

"It's a stage where you are on a constant quest for balance, and can never find it."
- Quoted

I'm sure most of you have read the post some random Mom wrote on Facebook, which tugged at the heartstrings of so many other random mommies worldwide, which is where I quoted the above from. 

What she wrote was, on all levels, true -- the truth and nothing but the truth. 

So, imagine having to deal with "the truth" mostly alone. 

I hate claiming that I am doing it "alone" because I am not a single mother. I am not the only parent. And I am definitely not the only one in this. I know it. He knows it. He knows that I know it. 

But there are times when I can't help feeling like I am in this alone... 

It is not due to any fault of my own -- or anyone else's for the matter. And there really isn't anyone to blame for the way I feel about things... but I can't help but wish that there was someone or something I can point my finger to so that I can finally rest my weary head and say that I'm okay -- that I'm not the problem.

Is it weird that I always feel like I'm constantly being judged for my parenting; my decisions; my way of doing things?

Is it weird that I feel annoyed when someone tries to impose on me their "ideals" without them knowing or acknowledging what my reality is like, which makes their ideals sound mostly like a dream in my world? 

I've lost count of the many times I've forgiven others for their "sermons" on how I should deal with my shortcomings because I know that they don't know what the reality is like -- what my reality is like. I forgave them because I know that they don't know that I have felt like running away from home more times than I care to remember as an adult than I ever felt like when I was a kid.

I've also lost count the many times I try to brush off those who tell me that I should have thought about the "consequences" of getting married and starting a family and that I should just deal with it now because I asked for it.

What they don't know is that people hurt and heal differently and for many different reasons unbeknownst to each of us -- sometimes even to the person hurting and healing.

What they don't know is that I love my children with all of my soul -- they are my world -- I cannot imagine what my life would be like without them -- I can't even sleep without them. I will never let them leave my sight. THAT is how much I love my children.  

And I also know that my husband is away by choice... but only for the best interest of this little family we built together. We made the decision together, consciously and under no pressure or pretext whatsoever. We were very well aware that I would be "alone"... that he would be even more alone and that this whole arrangement would be hard. SO, so HARD.

And in preparation of all the obstacles we could foresee, we prepared ourselves, both physically and mentally.

But that still doesn't stop us from feeling the way we feel about things right now because how could you foresee how something so life changing like this would affect and inflict onto you? Is it physical? Is it mental? Or emotional? How do you even describe it in so many words?

Yes. I'm going out on a limb today just to come clean. Mostly with myself. This is one of the first few steps I'm taking towards healing my hurting soul.

So, the next time I come forward to anyone at all about the way things are going on in my life, do me a favour. Just listen. I know what the ideal life should be like -- I'd very much like to have that life. So, just listen, and save your sermons. Keep them to yourself. 

October 19, 2017

where do broken hearts go? can they find their way home?

I have been getting comments on how off-ish I seem of late and as much as I don't give much of a hoot about what people think of me, I am becoming more and more annoyed with such comments because it came from not one person, but many

So, I took a step back ... and reflected. 

And after much consideration, I figured that I need some healing. Some serious healing. 

And since I'm dealing with this kind of pain, I knew that the healing needed to be spiritual in nature. 

AND... after "1 session", my healing kick-started with tears. So many tears! It was both confusing and relieving at the same time but I knew that it was Allah's answer to the burden and pain I'm carrying --  I needed to let go. I needed to open up about things. I needed to be true to myself. I needed to admit that negativity never suited me. Plus, upon reflection, I can't remember the last time I really, really cried. So, that cry was good. Really good.

So, where do broken hearts go? Can they find their way home?

All I can say is that there was always a way home. I was just too scared to find it in all the darkness I created within me. Now that I can see a glimpse of that light, I know that at some point, I'll be fixed -- healed.

And I'll be shining as bright as a diamond again. 

October 16, 2017

can't hardly wait

It's only mid-October and I'm already getting impatient for 2018 to come. 

2017 has so far been a pretty bleurgh year for me. Perhaps it's because it's part of the first 2 years of "new motherhood" for me what with having a new baby and breastfeeding and the whole works or maybe it's the pile of new responsibilities that I've had to deal with at work that has made this year the way that it is.

Don't get me wrong, there have been some super highlights in 2017 both professionally and personally, but it still doesn't stop me from wanting 2018 to come quick. Is it weird that I feel that way about things?

Speaking of 2018... have you already thought about what you'd like to do or be in 2018? 

I can't remember the last time I made some real resolutions about anything at all since I now basically let every single day work itself out. And probably that has been one of the causes of why my life is the way it is because in a way... I'm just attracting "nothingness" in my everyday, don't you think?

"If you fail to plan, you plan to fail"... isn't that what people always say?

And I'm scared I'm not planning my life properly so I'm seriously hoping to change that. 

And in so doing, I really need to know how to revive a "dead heart"...

Have you ever felt as numbed and jaded as I am feeling like right now?

I seem to avoid every motivational quote I come across these days because I feel like it is impossible for someone to feel so positive about everything all the time... and trust me this coming from me is scaring myself because wasn't I the one who did the #100happydayschallenge and felt so strongly about how it totally changed my 2014?

So, I'm thinking... since I so voluntarily got myself sucked into this invinsible "black hole", I must make a conscious effort to get myself back out of it because this is not how I want things to be going forward. SURELY... there must be a silver lining to everything... right?

I'm sure I'm just the one who's just too blurred to see it at this point. And in any case, I can't wait for 2018 to come.

September 21, 2017

my son turned 5, and I cried.

Went through my draft list and found a post written on April 3rd, 2017. And decided to post this anyway, for memory's sake.

Somehow, my son turning 5 turned into an emotional event for me. 

I guess the whole year leading to his 5th birthday was such a roller coaster ride, that seeing how much he's grown in a year somehow overwhelmed me. 

And I thought... if I'm this overwhelmed, imagine how overwhelmed he is.

Since the birth of Ayesha, I think I have become so much harder on him.

I imposed on him the Big Brother Role because I believed that he was ready to take it on. And I do actually believe that he is ready. But then, despite being so mentally prepared to be a Mom of Two (or so I thought), due to my lack of readiness in dealing with 2 children with such vastly different needs, I did not have the patience to let the role sink in.

I just demanded that he get along with the programme, just like I did.

In turn, it made him stronger, tougher. Not sure about being more responsible voluntarily, but he took on the simple roles I made him do to make him understand that I would no longer do them for him anymore because I had more than just him to care for -- and that Ayesha is part of that little world which used to belong to only us.

And (with much resentment) he understood... he really did. And with that came the change which I so demanded out of him... (I'm not too sure I like them all...)

And there is not a day where I don't wonder if I've damaged him by being so hard, so tough, so demanding.

There are days when I would stare out into space with a blank look on my face and tears would form out of the "no thoughts" in my head.

Some days it got so bad, that once my friend had to convince me that I was doing fine... and that if I wasn't , my children would not be thriving as well as they did... that I am enough.


Right this moment, I am able to command some kind of "fear" just by raising my eyebrows at him over something he did or said... Right this moment, I'm okay with that although some mothers will agree to disagree with me and my methods.

But my baby a year ago... is no longer "that baby".  And I'm pretty sure that in another year... he'll be another version of himself.

And I honestly don't know how to feel about that.

September 10, 2017

my and the social media.

Blogging used to be so much fun. Sharing used to be so much fun.

But now, I feel like everything you say could be used against you in the most adverse way possible. 

And as much as I don't get why, I do somehow believe in the "evil eye", which I believe is the very reason I have so much hesitance in posting anything because the question I keep asking myself every.single.time I feel like sharing anything now is...,


Somehow, I feel that these questions I keep asking myself stem from my own annoyance with the influx of unnecessary information on social media of late (like on Instagram, for instance).

I keep wondering why people share the things they do and to be completely honest, there are times when their postings make me feel somewhere between annoyance and jealousy, which is totally and completely ridiculous! And not to mention unhealthy! Because surely, there was no malice intent in their postings as they were just sharing. It's called SHARING, Hanisa!

And still!

It goes to show that although I am not an evil person in general, I do at times question other people's motives when they share something, when it's really none of my business! So I keep imagining having an evil person looking at my innocent postings with an evil eye and that sets off alarms which puts me in a whole new level of paranoia.

So anyways, my Instagram is a little dead right now because I don't know how much of myself I'm willing to expose (such an ironic statement considering the activities going on in this blog haha) and though I'm not sure why I blog anymore apart from wanting to have some keepsakes for my own future reference, here I am sharing away some of my life because here's where I feel the "safest".

I do sometimes wonder if I'm the only one having such chronic love-hate with the social media.

September 08, 2017

where do I even begin?

There really isn't anyone or anything to blame for my absence from this space. I've lost count of the many times I've stared into this "Compose" space and wondered,

"Where do I begin?"

Because between then (read: the last post) and now... so many things have taken place. And each time I think of everything that has happened during that space of time, my reactions range from anxiety to relief to sadness. Worst still, there are times when they're all bundled as one huge feeling ... and that's when it becomes overbearingly overwhelming.

Like it is today. 

And just so happens, both my babies are sound asleep and I'm running on more caffeine that usual, which is why I'm still awake. So, I decided to come back to this "old friend" of mine to see if I could "unload" ... in hopes that I would feel a whole lot better later.

So, anyway, I digress. Let's get back to where I should begin.

Because really. After all this time, how do I even begin?

Shall we begin with the multiple clinic visits and  hospitalisations that happened 2 weeks apart in the span of 6 weeks?

Or should we start with how my relationship with my son has changed since he turned 5?

Maybe we could begin with how a long distance relationship has shaped and affected the dynamics of this clingy clan I have called my nucleus family?

Or should we start with how different I have become since I've had no choice but to be strong? And also how much I resent being "tough" at times?

Or shall we begin with how strongly I have been feeling lately about how unappreciated working women are in general and how my contributions somehow seem insignificant no matter how much I put in?

Really. With all of these going through my head. Is there really anywhere that I can begin?

All I know is that I no longer know how to unload this load on my back, in brain and everywhere else that hurts. Which is why I'm back here right now, trying to let some of that pain go.

Because I think that August is the straw that broke the camel's back. And I really need an outlet to let go.

In August, I was physically and emotionally stretched -- both at home and at work. If felt like such a long month (it is a long month with 31 days to begin with) and each day felt like a neverending battle against time. By the end of each working day, I just wanted to get back home to my babies -- but I didn't really want to. I'm not sure if that makes any sense at all, but I'm sure some people would understand how it is that I feel. And that unhealthy cycle just went on and on and on -- like a carousel that wouldn't stop.

Hence here I am -- looking green and sick. Sick from the routine. And sick of being tired. If I had to pick one word that could succinctly explain my current feelings -- it would be jaded.

So, now that I've unloaded some of that off... how does a jaded person like me even begin? Really. I'd really like to know how do I even begin.

April 15, 2017

The Four Promises.

These past 2 weeks have been an amazing time for my little family. 

Despite the amount of convincing I had to do at the office, I managed to get my long leave approved... just because I needed to take a break. Not sure what kind of music I'll be facing when I get back to the mothership on Monday... but I know that it'll be worth it.

And to make use of this long break, we held a little Birthday Lunch for our kids with family and close friends, we went on a little holiday by the beach, we huddled to sleep together on the daily, played house and let the kids have extended bedtimes, just for the fun of it.

During this break, I've also been able to have some real conversations with my husband about all the things that matter; life, future, properties and religion. 

And on the topic of religion, we talked about what it felt like to feel so "removed" from Allah. 

Because truth to be told, of late, I have felt that way one too many times. And I don't know why.

Well, even if I did know why, there's actually very little that I can do to change it -- and therein lies the problem.

Because you see, as a mother, you are required to give 200% of yourself to motherhood -- even when you don't want to. So, being a "single parent" means that you've got to give double the attention and TLC to your kids, which means that you'd have very little of anything left to yourself... including time with your God. 

I know that children shouldn't be the reason but anyone who's been in my reality would know that I don't at all intend to use my children as a reason and honestly, I really miss time with my God. 

Having some time off from work gave me time to think about how to improve my relationship with God. Because like I said before, I miss my time alone with Him. So, I figured, even if I could no longer spend hours in prostration to Him, maybe I could just open up to Him right before I sleep and pray -- as in pray hard and submit to Him wholly (tawakkal) with hopes that whatever deeds I have done for the day would be enough.

And so, my journey of total submissiveness began. While putting my kids to sleep, I prayed,

"Ya Allah, please help me Ya Allah. I don't know what else I should do."

And that is really all it took.

Total submissiveness was really all that was required for Allah to bring light on my plight. 

Therefore, I am writing this today so that (you and) I shall never forget the 4 promises - 

(1) Remember Me, and I will remember you;
(2) Ask Me, and I shall give you;
(3) If you give thanks, I will give you more; and
(4) Allah will not punish them while they seek forgiveness. 

So, whatever you do, whatever you problems, don't give up on praying. 

It really isn't too late to ask. 

April 03, 2017

be kind - none of us can make it alone in this world.

Readers of this space would probably think that I am exactly like I am here and in real life -- at least in terms of how open I am about my life.

Truth is, my whole "make up" is the complete opposite; I don't really trust that easily; I hardly open up to those who I don't know on a personal basis; and though I don't really have a resting bi*ch face, many have confessed that they don't find me that approachable.

Kind of makes this space a contradiction in itself, since I have absolutely no idea who exactly is reading these mindless rants of mine. And yet, I've been pouring my heart out in this space for years with so much comfort, so much so that some might think that they know me though they've never met me.

I actually don't enjoy being unapproachable. And although I'm not really that sociable or outgoing, I do occasionally enjoy random conversations with random people and I wonder how I can be just a little slightly more than friendly, at the very least.

Which is why at the very beginning of 2017, I have resolved to try.

And... to my surprise, my efforts are beginning to reap extremely desirable effects. People around me who never knew me personally before, who initially thought I am "Super" now know that I, just like them, am human too -- that I have off days with my kids, that I enjoy online shopping and that I crave for some downtime from work although I love to work. 

It took so much for me to open up, but it took so little for them to accept the fact that I am not invincible.

Which then lead me to resolve on another thing, which is to be kinder to women in general.

Not sure about how things are on your end, but on my end, people seem to glorify a man's efforts, while the same effort in women is shun. Simple example - a man rushes home after work because he has to pick up his children = sweet and responsible, But if a woman does the same? = unfocused and doesn't know her priorities.

See what I mean?

Worst thing is that it's the women who belittle other women. We are our own worst enemy. 

Hence my earlier new resolution.

So, I'm basically writing this today to say that I'm just a normal human being. And that I have off days. And that I'm tired of being a woman belittled by other women. And so, I will continue to congratulate women for their husband's and their own successes. Because once in a while, people need to be reminded that behind every successful man is a (physically and mentally) strong woman and that none of us can make it in this world alone. So, be kind.

With that, Happy Monday everyone.

March 17, 2017

some sense of normalcy.

The other day, I saw my neighbours arriving home from work at the same time. 

I was in the kitchen, cradling Ayesha on one hand while preparing the kids' dinner with the other.

And as I watched (or more like stalked) them, I started feeling... for lack of better word..., lonely.

My days and nights (apart from those 10 hours at work) are normally filled with all these "single-handed" activities. So though there are technically 3 people in the house, there's actually very little communication going on. Adult conversations are confined to our daily video calls. And most conversations revolve around what's showing on YouTube and who did what in school. And on the bad days, the house is like an army camp -- no one (but me) gets to say anything. But hey Mama's got to do what she needs to do (right?). 

So, I guess whatever it is that I felt yesterday evening has been a long time coming. 

People tell me that I'm lucky because I still get to see my husband at least 2 weeks once, and that I should appreciate his efforts of wanting to be with us, whenever he can.

It goes without saying that I'm the luckiest woman alive to have him as mine, and better still, to have him home to be with his kids. 

But sometimes, I think people (inadvertently) forget... that those left behind do have a set (or maybe many sets) of challenges of their own and most times, the struggle is real... so real -- 

I feel that being left behind hurts just as much as being the one leaving. I know that it shouldn't be a battle about who's hurting more because who on earth would want that kind of competition and frankly, we're both aware of each others' situation...

It's just that sometimes... I struggle  --

And I question the decisions we've made.
And doubt the love we have.
And I ponder on the daily if there is anything that I can do to make myself feel better. 

And I wonder if some day we'd be able to feel some sense on normalcy, whatever it is that may now be.

March 15, 2017

what day is it, and in what month?


... is there any body in there?! Just nod if you can hear me...

It's been such a long time since I even had the chance to even think of escaping into this world.

No excuses whatsoever as I don't intend to justify my absence. And there really isn't any need for wild guesses as to what I've been up to because hey, I'm a Working Mom of Two with No Help, so that pretty much sums up where all my time and efforts have gone to (I think, HAHAHA).

Quite frankly, I would say that this is one of the toughest "jobs" I've ever had in my life.

I'm not too sure if I'm being too hard on myself or if it's actually normal to beat yourself up over all my little failures in motherhood, but to be honest, I really do feel like a loser on the daily. 

And honestly, it becomes exhausting over time, leaving me tired and uninspired. 

So on days like these, when I'm extra lacking in inspiration, I like to read through my old posts to reminisce the good old days.

And it gets me wondering -- were the good old days really better, or have I developed the inability to be grateful for everything good that I now have? Or could it be that my standards of what is "good" and "bad" be so horribly screwed that I can no longer differentiate one from the other?

February 08, 2017


image googled.
So the other day, I took Atiya Ayesha for her 9-month check-up and jab. And I met this nice petite lady at the nursing room where we instantly started telling each other of our... "predicament".

I'm guessing that she had just had the longest weekend and the rain that morning certainly didn't help her with ferrying her own circus clan out of the house to their respective schools and like me, she had to rush to get her baby for their appointment too. 

Hence, discovering someone else also living with the same plight certainly felt like finding sanctuary. At least that's how it felt to me. 

She asked me what my plans are going forward and I told her that I have, for a long time now, given up on Superwomanry. 

Because as you all already know, I certainly didn't ace the first few months as a Mom of Two. Heck I'm still grasping at straws even though it's been almost a year since, which is the very reason why I have decided to hang my "Superwoman" cape for good.

I always tell people that it's okay to ask for help; that a mother is of no use to anyone if she is sick, or unhappy, or overly tired -- Because sure, becoming a mother does come with its own set of sacrifices and challenges -- that's granted.

But when in the moment, the heart needs some intensive convincing that we've gained more than that which we have lost. And that's where most of us are fighting a lost cause. Because we're told to suck it up and to get used to it and that we are not grateful when we whine or pull a long face when the going gets tough. 

I wasn't too sure where I was going with this post when I began. But I guess I just wanted to let some things off my chest. And I wanted everyone to know that I'm still here, and that I personally feel like it's okay for me to lose my sh*t sometimes.

Especially right this moment when I can no longer remember what it feels like to be me...