where do I even begin?
There really isn't anyone or anything to blame for my absence from this space. I've lost count of the many times I've stared into this "Compose" space and wondered,
"Where do I begin?"
Because between then (read: the last post) and now... so many things have taken place. And each time I think of everything that has happened during that space of time, my reactions range from anxiety to relief to sadness. Worst still, there are times when they're all bundled as one huge feeling ... and that's when it becomes overbearingly overwhelming.
Like it is today.
And just so happens, both my babies are sound asleep and I'm running on more caffeine that usual, which is why I'm still awake. So, I decided to come back to this "old friend" of mine to see if I could "unload" ... in hopes that I would feel a whole lot better later.
So, anyway, I digress. Let's get back to where I should begin.
Because really. After all this time, how do I even begin?
Like it is today.
And just so happens, both my babies are sound asleep and I'm running on more caffeine that usual, which is why I'm still awake. So, I decided to come back to this "old friend" of mine to see if I could "unload" ... in hopes that I would feel a whole lot better later.
So, anyway, I digress. Let's get back to where I should begin.
Because really. After all this time, how do I even begin?
Shall we begin with the multiple clinic visits and hospitalisations that happened 2 weeks apart in the span of 6 weeks?
Or should we start with how my relationship with my son has changed since he turned 5?
Maybe we could begin with how a long distance relationship has shaped and affected the dynamics of this clingy clan I have called my nucleus family?
Or should we start with how different I have become since I've had no choice but to be strong? And also how much I resent being "tough" at times?
Or shall we begin with how strongly I have been feeling lately about how unappreciated working women are in general and how my contributions somehow seem insignificant no matter how much I put in?
Really. With all of these going through my head. Is there really anywhere that I can begin?
All I know is that I no longer know how to unload this load on my back, in brain and everywhere else that hurts. Which is why I'm back here right now, trying to let some of that pain go.
Because I think that August is the straw that broke the camel's back. And I really need an outlet to let go.
In August, I was physically and emotionally stretched -- both at home and at work. If felt like such a long month (it is a long month with 31 days to begin with) and each day felt like a neverending battle against time. By the end of each working day, I just wanted to get back home to my babies -- but I didn't really want to. I'm not sure if that makes any sense at all, but I'm sure some people would understand how it is that I feel. And that unhealthy cycle just went on and on and on -- like a carousel that wouldn't stop.
Hence here I am -- looking green and sick. Sick from the routine. And sick of being tired. If I had to pick one word that could succinctly explain my current feelings -- it would be jaded.
So, now that I've unloaded some of that off... how does a jaded person like me even begin? Really. I'd really like to know how do I even begin.
Or should we start with how my relationship with my son has changed since he turned 5?
Maybe we could begin with how a long distance relationship has shaped and affected the dynamics of this clingy clan I have called my nucleus family?
Or should we start with how different I have become since I've had no choice but to be strong? And also how much I resent being "tough" at times?
Or shall we begin with how strongly I have been feeling lately about how unappreciated working women are in general and how my contributions somehow seem insignificant no matter how much I put in?
Really. With all of these going through my head. Is there really anywhere that I can begin?
All I know is that I no longer know how to unload this load on my back, in brain and everywhere else that hurts. Which is why I'm back here right now, trying to let some of that pain go.
Because I think that August is the straw that broke the camel's back. And I really need an outlet to let go.
In August, I was physically and emotionally stretched -- both at home and at work. If felt like such a long month (it is a long month with 31 days to begin with) and each day felt like a neverending battle against time. By the end of each working day, I just wanted to get back home to my babies -- but I didn't really want to. I'm not sure if that makes any sense at all, but I'm sure some people would understand how it is that I feel. And that unhealthy cycle just went on and on and on -- like a carousel that wouldn't stop.
Hence here I am -- looking green and sick. Sick from the routine. And sick of being tired. If I had to pick one word that could succinctly explain my current feelings -- it would be jaded.
So, now that I've unloaded some of that off... how does a jaded person like me even begin? Really. I'd really like to know how do I even begin.
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