February 27, 2013

are we human, or are we denser?

Slightly high and very obviously full from today’s heavy lunch, I’ve decided I’d take a mini break from work to blog.

Apart from the food that’s causing my lids to droop, I have generally been more sleep deprived than normal since that drive down the emergency department at Hospital Putrajaya just last 2 nights. We took the plunge because Luqman’s been having on and off fever since last Friday and to make things worse, he began vomiting non-stop just around Maghrib on Monday.

Blood was drawn out of his tiny body and he cried his lungs out, probably out of fear and pain from the needle poking him. Mama was obviously shooed out of the “crime scene”, tears welling in her eyes. I hated the whole procedure but it had to be done. It was better than sitting home wondering what was wrong with my otherwise healthy and happy baby.

Turns out that he’s fine, Alhamdulillah.

For a moment of brevity, I really thought we would be staying the night (at the hospital) though my heart protested against the idea in rebellion.

But no, Alhamdulillah, 2 nights after, armed with antibiotics and some other meds plus loads of doa, he’s back to the bouncy baby that he’s always been.

The last time he was sick, I could (and did) for the most part, blame myself. Because it was totally and completely avoidable had I fed him better and watched his cues more closely. But this time round, after re-rewinding the sequence of events in my head, again and again and again… I couldn’t put it down to anything. Not that I’m such fan of finger-pointing, but if the reason was me, then I’d very much like to know. Like how I’ve learnt not to feed my boy broccoli because it made him gassy. And not to wake him up from his nap unless it was totally and completely necessary.

But yeah. This time round, he just got sick.

I guess they all do (more often than normal) at this point in their lives. Because there were easily 20 babies at the emergency department the other day… so it’s kind of normal, I guess?

Things took a turning for the worst when my husband also began getting poorly. I guess it all started with lack of sleep from waiting at the emergency department, coupled with non-stop travelling and also probably something bad that he consumed, which then later lead to him vomiting and purging uncontrollably.

I heard him last night but I just couldn’t, for the life of me, open my eyes to check on him.

I also didn’t take emergency leave on Tuesday although Luqman was still slightly feverish when I dropped him off (albeit with a heavy heart) at the babysitter’s.

I know people are staring at me with mouth agape and all. Probably some even raising their eyebrows?

What the hell am I thinking right?

How could I even have the heart to go to work and leave my sick baby and sick husband behind? How could I even make peace with myself for doing that? How???

Well, who says I've made peace with myself or whether I ever will?

Welcome to a full-time working mother's world. And her endless dilemma.

I've got alot on my hands at the moment to juggle and no amount of judging is going to recede my burden, not to mention, pain.

The way of the world is such that a working mother is (normally) punished for the things out of her control. How am I suppossed to prevent my son from getting sick when he's growing up, picking things up from the floor, putting his hands into his mouth and interacting with other people, whose state of health is unknown to us? How am I supposed to avoid health check appointments on weekdays, unless I opt for a private clinic. Which is totally and completely absurd considering that I am a Public Servant, you see. How am I supposed to tell my husband to drive himself to the clinic when he can't even control his movements long enough to not pass out in the middle of something. How the hell am I supposed to break it to my superiors that my baby is (again) sick and that I need to take the day off when just the month before I had taken so many days off for the same reason.


I've been told before to juggle my priorities and sort myself out and I believe that for the most part, I have been pretty successful so far. If we're talking about work, I've done my part as the desk officer. I don't have a pile of undone work on my desk and have never used my personal "problems" as a way out of things, unless it involved weekends or nights where my husband is not around. Even then, I do still stay back when I can get my mom to help with my baby at night. When my husband is around, I try to cook and clean and run the household as any good homemaker would do, though I admit that I am not that perfect.

But the thing is this. It's always the bad things that people remember.

Like how I forgot a piece of work because I had some other pressing matter at work to do. Or how I didn't manage to sweep and mop the floor and didn't manage to keep the house spick and span as I should, when in fact, that was the only week I didn't manage to do so because I was totally and completely burned out from so much work that week.

Nobody asks me how I manage to get my other works done on time or the amount of hours I spend at work, after hours. Nobody bothers to ask me how I manage to manage my work and my family, though for the most part, I am alone. Nobody asks me how I have managed to come to work on time every single effing day, put on a decent appearence, remain unperturbed by my own problems, not lose my cool and the list of other things I have managed to do. Nobody asks me how I have managed to come this far without breaking down and without listing for permanent help i.e. staying with my parents or having my parents stay with me. Nobody asks me how I manage to make it no matter how zonked out and sleep deprived I am. Nobody ever asks me.

The only things they remember are "I forgot to do something", "I have failed to keep the house clean", "I am struggling with my priorities".

When in fact, I've given 100% to my everything. 100% to motherhood. 100% to family. 100% to work. The only thing lacking is probably the percentage I allocate to myself. That's about 350% to everything. And trust me, that's alot to ask of someone.

The worst part of it all is that it's the women that don't understand other women.

Which is why I sometimes think we (women) are denser than human.

But regardless, I think we're all (deep, deep down) still very much human. Conditioned to grow a heart of steel. Because that's just the way of the world.

And that actually just makes us denser than denser.

And because of that, in all truth, I have become a live volcano that's ready to erupt.

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)

February 25, 2013

Ada apa dengan Gangnam?

It’s no secret that Koreans have invaded our TVs and are becoming stiff competition for our local drama industry. If you think I’ve been spared, well, you’re dead wrong (but I’ll save that for another post). So, it was really no surprise when Psy became viral and I really didn’t give two hoots about it, at least at first.

Day in, day out, people post videos of parodies and localised versions of the Gangnam and frankly, some of them I thought to be quite amusing. Then, Gangnam took children by storm and I still thought it was amusing the way the Gangnam affected them; how it influenced them to eat, sleep and how it made them dance. Somehow, the children have a real soft spot for Gangnam which I felt was cute.

Until it stole my child’s attention.

Now what I’m about to write may strike a parent or two’s cord but I think that all parents have the right to determine how to bring their child up and there is no one “suitable for all” type of parenting, which is fool proof and guarantees a child’s upbringing and future.

So, my style of parenting is that my child doesn’t get entertainment, well at least not primarily or predominantly, from a gadget. Meaning we don’t have an iPad, Tab or the likes (at least for now) for him to watch videos, play games etc. from. Heck, we don’t even watch TV that much. I know that at some point I’d have to expose him because realistically speaking, we do live in a world where dependence on a gadget or two is inevitable, but surely entertainment can come in other forms, right? Plus, I did pretty well without and I think my children should do fine too.

But like I said, I’m realistic enough to realise that I can’t keep my child away from a gadget forever. So, when my parents bring out their gadgets and show my son animations like Pocoyo and the Sesame Street songs, I’m rather happy that he’s getting the occasional exposure for short periods of time. At least, he’ll grow up knowing what those things can do and not miss out on the “childhood” that every other kid goes through.

And then, Gangnam came into the picture.

Now, at first, I really honestly thought it was cute how Gangnam made my son dance. He would wait patiently for the part where the beat gets a little faster just before the chorus starts and then, he’d start shaking his butt. Which is all well and dandy with me, until I saw the MV for myself.

When I saw the MV, I was literally quite lost for words. I mean, really, do all those suggestive and erotic moves have to be in the MV? I know that those dance moves are moves imitating people riding horses, but having to watch some random guy thrusting his crotch so forcefully throughout the entire 4:15-long video? I found that to be rather disturbing.

To have a child watch that? Even more disturbing.

So, you can guess how I unhesitatingly expressed my displeasure to my mom when she wanted to see her grandson dance to Gangnam again. I don’t really mind him listening to the song, but to have him watch it again? Eik. Such a distasteful video that is and the last thing I want my son to learn is to think that it’s okay to dance the way Psy dances.

Sometimes, we’ve got to know that children should get entertainment in other forms and we adults shouldn’t use children as our entertainment. At least where Gangnam is concerned.

Because clearly they don’t have a choice but hey we surely do.

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)

February 24, 2013

I'm walking on sunshine!

Every day since the long CNY break, I’ve logged on to my Blogger account almost every day, confident that that day would be the day that I would write something. Well, to be fair to myself, I did have things to write about, at least when I logged on, but the moment I clicked “Compose”, it’s like the cat caught my tongue and I don’t know what it was that caused me to log on in the first place.

When I decided to extend my leave after the long weekend, I guess my brains decided to take a “creative break” too. Or maybe, just maybe, I have trouble expressing joy and happiness.

Because in all honesty, happy is all I’ve been these past 2 weeks.

In the span of 2 weeks, I’ve received 2 birthday cakes, a really pretty birthday present and spent quality time with my loved ones. I finally filed my papers for Long Call, my cousin got married and as the cherry on top, my son took his first few steps, unsupported. The chocolate on the sundae, which tops it all has got to be the fact that my husband’s been more home than away and that has totally changed my state of being.

I have, quite literally, been walking on sunshine.

Nothing could get in the way of my happiness. Not work, not my problems nor anybody else’s problem.

So, yes.

Here’s to a wonderful February so far. It’s been nothing short of wonderful and apart from this temporary mental block that I’m facing where blogging is concerned, I really have nothing to complain about.

And so far, I’m super loving it. Loving, loving, loving it. 


Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)

February 08, 2013

I want so many Wants.

Oh, sometimes I wish I didn’t have so many Wants.

I can’t afford to burn a hole in my pocket anymore plus there are clothes in my closet which have never seen the light of day. Okay, I’m lying. But they’ve all generally been worn once or twice only.

I’m vain enough to not want to be photographed with the same clothes too close between events (I admit! Shame on me!). Yet, I’m not that vain, you see.

Still, it doesn’t stop me from wanting to stock up on new clothes. And I’m kind of eyeing ones from here right now. Paisleys, palazzos, what's not to love? But at the same time, I kind of need shoes. Wait, what kind of? I need shoes!

Haih. Patience. Patience. Patience.

Bak kata Adik, “One by one, Kakak. Even if it is a day apart.”

Genius. What a genius way to avoid the guilt trip.

Hee hee hee. Maybe... I'll do just that.

It is, after all February. Tibe-tibe. Eheh.

what works

There are things that I am generally terrible at and one of it is keeping in touch. I wasn’t always like this, no. But through (bad) experience, I learned that sometimes, we just need to let go; of people, of memories, of reminiscence and of wanting some kind of reciprocity.

Especially when you’re at the losing end of the bargain.

This attitude about people and friendship generally works for me and my (close) friends. Sometimes, I know people question how we claim to be so close, when we meet like 3 times a year, 4 times tops. But what people don’t know is that is the very reason why it works. It’s not so much about the amount of time we spend together, but it’s the quality of those sessions. Totally cliché, I know. Probably even hard to believe. But trust me. It really works.

But of late, I’ve been thinking long and hard about this attitude of mine; of this attitude of ours. I find myself thinking of wanting to belong, when in actuality, I already do. I keep thinking I’m not doing enough and that I could do more. Or that I am using work and lack of free time as a sorry excuse for not being able to meet up with my friends or query about their well-being.

With all the sorry excuses we forgive each other for, could it be that we’ve started to take each other for granted? Just because we know for a fact that we will be there for each other when we need each other?

Just because something works, does it mean that something’s good?

Would we all come to a point in our lives when we would lose each other from our willful omission?

God forbid. I hope that day never comes.


February 02, 2013

at wit's end.


A sigh.

What a way to begin a post after quite a hiatus. But really, that is really how I would sum up my January. It was such a tough month; I honestly thought I was beginning to lose my mind.

I generally think that children take too many liberties with their mothers. Now that I’m a mother myself, this statement rings so much truth.

With everybody else (my husband included), my son behaves so very well, but with me… it’s like he’s intent on pushing my buttons. Of course, him being a baby and all that, he might not even know it, but I guess he knows that I can be pushed to a certain extent. And in all truth, I really don’t mind.

But yesterday, I was at my wit’s end.

To hell with “anger breeds anger”, I just couldn’t stand it.  

Last month, he was attacked by multiple fevers. Yes, multiple. With 6 teeth popping simultaneously out of those tiny pink gums, that came as no surprise. To make things worse, he was vomiting and purging non-stop when all that was happening. That also came as no surprise because no matter how clean we keep our space, there is no real guarantee that he will not touch a dirty spot or pick up and ingest things he’s not supposed to. And since he's not the only one at the babysitter's, there's always a possibility that he picked the fever up from the others.

With multiple fevers came (one too many) sleepless nights, dabbing vomit off the mattress, diaper changing and the likes and so you can imagine how insanely taxing all that can be even on the most strong hearted.

And so I caved.

I was, honestly, so scared of myself.

It was a good thing that my husband was home, so he took over. It was also a good thing that he didn’t judge or get angry at me for being angry. He just took over. And let me have a moment on my own.

So, you understand now how glad I am that all that is in the past now?

February kind of began on the right foot, so I’m hoping that that’s a sign that things will get better.

But still, phew.

I’m just really glad that episode is over (for now).

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)