August 17, 2015

the extra mile.

I finished my 12 kilometer run in about 1 hour and 42 minutes -- average of 12 minutes per lap (1 mile/1.6 kilometres). Not much to shout out about, but after all things considered, I would say it's no small feat either.

Here's the "funny thing" -- I thought that I had signed up for a 10 km run instead of 12 km and confidently told my husband so just the night before -- until I saw the distance of my run on my bib, which I later confirmed with the deets on my confirmation slip.

Don't.know.what.I.was.thinking. So, don't ask. 

What's important is that I didn't allow myself to become disheartened by my "minor mistake" (minor la sangat. difference of an extra mile plus is no joke!), decided to keep on pushing and going non-stop although I was starting to go half-crazy once I reached the 6 km mark and I finished without vomiting -- or falling or tripping or feeling like a total loser. 

I am just happy that I am now a 12 km finisher ;)

Running -- I think is one of those life-changing decisions I have ever made. EVER. 

Sure, I've always been active. Sure, I've always loved sports. But running such long distances, pushing myself to the limit and feeling absolutely empowered although I run real slow like a siput? Really, who would have thought running would have that kind effect on me, right?

I've got another one coming up in October and I'm all excited and sad about it at the same time. Excited because I love night runs; sad because it's the last one I signed up for, for this year.

Oh, well. Girl's got to do what she's got to do, right?

" can do everything and be everything…just NOT at all once." - Sleepless in KL.  Best honest advice I've heard in years.

Anyways, next run -- bring it on! (hopefully with more practice!)

August 13, 2015

move -- you are not a tree.

Some days are like today -- I wake up with "Sunshine" as my middle name and I'm just happy to go to work.

But some days (which these days seem like most),

I even feel that way after taking many days off for a break!

People often tell me that if I don't like where I am -- I should move. After all, I am not a tree and I agree; but only on the part about the tree. 

It's really not that simple you see -- like it isn't for so many of us out there. It's not just about our commitments or housing loans or any other typical reason you can think of. 

Here is the (ironic) thing -- I actually like my line of work and I don't mind it at all; but I'm just tired, which I think is pretty acceptable seeing that it's now my 7th year in Service; longer than the period of time I've been married. 

I don't hate hate my job, I just need some time off. Because just like all other things in life, familiarity breeds contempt. 

This has got me thinking about how sucky Service is -- it doesn't give you the chance to return once you leave; like a talak tiga kind of thing. Because sometimes, when you go through confusing times such as this -- all you want is to try something else. 

But you can't.

Hence, when anyone reading Law asks me what they should do after getting their LLB, I tell them that they should go do their Chambering. Sure, they'll lose out on seniority and the other what-nots in Service, but at least, they would know what it feels like to be on the other side of the fence --

and not wonder for the rest of her life whether she would have liked it... or not (although she knows for a fact that she hates Civil Procedure hehe). 

Be that as it may, too late for me to find out now, so I really have got to find myself some remedy! 

And all I can think of are-

Cuti belajar (boleh consider).
Cuti tanpa gaji (boleh cuba kalau nak mati).
Cuti bersalin (haahahaah heeeheeheee).

On that note, I am late, you know. Bahahahaha saja kasi kontroversi.

August 11, 2015

the last thing on your mind.

last seen at ... 5.06 p.m.

Last message I read had a timestamp of 5.06 p.m.

I may already be 30 but I've discovered that I still find pleasure in all the simple pleasures in life 

-- like knowing that I was the last thing on your mind.

August 04, 2015

oh yes, I am OK.

The other day, my mother in law dropped me a one-liner, which got me thinking. It was in relation to her question of whether or not I was okay, which, honest to God, is a question I try answering honestly to myself first, every single day. 

I ask myself the question every single day, because it seems like alot of other people around me are curious about the same as well. 

Why is your blog private? 

Why is your Insta feed so quiet?

Why is the tone of your posts so different?

Why are you so different?

And although most days I feel OK, the rest of the world seem to feel otherwise and whether or not I care about what they think or feel, I know that those who have taken the time to ask me personally are those who really, truly care because they made the decision to not gossip about me and my so-called change, but thought it would be better to ask me directly instead. 

So, anyway. When I told my mother in law that I was "OK je. Biasa lah stress sikit-sikit.", she then asked me again what I was stressed out about, to which I answered... "Sa tak tahu lah, Mak..."

And then, she dropped it

"Stress tak tahu punca ni lah stress yang paling bahaya."

So, it got me thinking about what it was that I was actually stressed out about because I've been told that unidentified sources of stress could lead to that thing we all know as... depression

And although I am pretty sure that I am not depressed because there's really no reason to be depressed, I do know that not many people (probably myself included) are willing to accept and admit that they are suffering from such condition. 

In my attempts to ensure that I am of optimum mental health, I went through my blog posts (thank God, I love writing crap) to find a lead of some sort and my discovery shocked me.

This year has been a year of too much self-loathing. Too many meltdowns. Too many regrets over "failed attempts at perfection". Too much drama. Too much inner conflict. Too much negativity. Too much change. Too much bottling up. Too much caving in.  

This year in a nutshell has been a year of too many too muches, if there is such a thing. 

Be that as it may, since I woke up this morning with a spring in my step, I've made a mental pact with myself to acknowledge and celebrate each day that I wake up happy, just so the final quarter of this year doesn't go to waste.

Sure, I've been feeling a little sucky (a little, yeah right bahahaha) in 2015, but in sha Allah, I'll be OK. 

And just for the record, today, I am OK.