oh yes, I am OK.

The other day, my mother in law dropped me a one-liner, which got me thinking. It was in relation to her question of whether or not I was okay, which, honest to God, is a question I try answering honestly to myself first, every single day. 

I ask myself the question every single day, because it seems like alot of other people around me are curious about the same as well. 

Why is your blog private? 

Why is your Insta feed so quiet?

Why is the tone of your posts so different?

Why are you so different?

And although most days I feel OK, the rest of the world seem to feel otherwise and whether or not I care about what they think or feel, I know that those who have taken the time to ask me personally are those who really, truly care because they made the decision to not gossip about me and my so-called change, but thought it would be better to ask me directly instead. 

So, anyway. When I told my mother in law that I was "OK je. Biasa lah stress sikit-sikit.", she then asked me again what I was stressed out about, to which I answered... "Sa tak tahu lah, Mak..."

And then, she dropped it, 

"Stress tak tahu punca ni lah stress yang paling bahaya."

So, it got me thinking about what it was that I was actually stressed out about because I've been told that unidentified sources of stress could lead to that thing we all know as... depression. 

And although I am pretty sure that I am not depressed because there's really no reason to be depressed, I do know that not many people (probably myself included) are willing to accept and admit that they are suffering from such condition. 

In my attempts to ensure that I am of optimum mental health, I went through my blog posts (thank God, I love writing crap) to find a lead of some sort and my discovery shocked me.

This year has been a year of too much self-loathing. Too many meltdowns. Too many regrets over "failed attempts at perfection". Too much drama. Too much inner conflict. Too much negativity. Too much change. Too much bottling up. Too much caving in.  

This year in a nutshell has been a year of too many too muches, if there is such a thing. 

Be that as it may, since I woke up this morning with a spring in my step, I've made a mental pact with myself to acknowledge and celebrate each day that I wake up happy, just so the final quarter of this year doesn't go to waste.

Sure, I've been feeling a little sucky (a little, yeah right bahahaha) in 2015, but in sha Allah, I'll be OK. 

And just for the record, today, I am OK.