December 31, 2014

going back to basics.


Earlier this year, I entered the year with only one resolution in mind, which is to make 2014 happy (read here). At some point, I even thought that it was a funny resolution, but a necessary funny one all the same. And honestly, because of that one rather odd resolution, 2014 was a rather good year for me. Of course on the bigger scale; globally and nationally, things didn't turn out so well, but personally, this was one of the better years for me yet. 

Having gone through such a great year, I kind of feel sad to leave it all behind. I know for sure that it was a good year not just by fluke, and it certainly did require alot of effort on my part and I guess that's what's making me even more nervous wondering if I can keep it up in 2015 and the years to come.


In our younger years, our resolutions were so much simpler (not to mention, much funnier too LOL!). Once, I even had this log book dedicated to my resolutions and I vividly remember that one of those resolutions was to make SF my best friend (HAHAHAHAHA)! SF is no longer my best friend and we haven't been in contact for so long, but that's not really the point. My point is that as we grow older, we tend to take simplicity for granted. 

We go through year after year after year trying to make resolutions bigger and better than the last and in so doing, all simplicity (and some of reality too I reckon) gets lost in translation. 

We end up with unattainable goals and shoes which are too big to fill. And we end up frustrated. 


So, I've decided that in 2015, I'm going to go back to basics.

Be happy(ier), give back more to society, read more, call family and friends more often, clean my office desk more often, exercise more frequently, probably make another baby (eh? hahahahah) etc. etc. etc...

I really don't know yet how I'm going to go about it. And I don't know yet if 2015 and the years to come are going to be as good to me as 2014 has been (it's going to be pretty hard to beat, I admit) but I guess that's part of the challenge that I'll have to face. 

That's life, so bring it on! 

1/365 coming in 12 hours time.

|And here's 2014 in a nutshell|

December 29, 2014

the dark days are over.

November was such an amazing month for me that I sometimes couldn't believe how lucky I got. In fact, there were times when I thought it was just too good to be true.

It actually was.

Orang tua-tua selalu kata, "Jangan gelak kuat sangat, nanti menangis."

They said it for a reason. And a good one too.

Because just 2 days after my last post in November, my life flipped and I entered into what I would call the "dark days".

I knew then that those dark days would eventually end, but I just wished I knew when.

Then suddenly, we have the entire office all to ourselves until the end of the year. Although the end of the year seems like such a long time, it's actually just about 3 days from today. Or is it 2?

Be that as it may, I find myself acting like a kid who just won a free pass from prison. And so many things which I have unintentionally abandoned during those dark days are begging me for their attention, this blog and a myriad of other seemingly tedious and insignificant (but rather important, if that's possible) stuff, like filing of my personal documents, for instance.

Now that 1/3 days is coming to an end, I sure do hope that the next 2 will be alot more productive than this. also hope that I would be able to begin next year with better spirits, and on the right foot.

For now, I'm just happy that the dark days (for me at least) are over and I'm going to enjoy it while I can.


In remembrance of our fellow Malaysians who are suffering from the floods in the East Coast and Northern regions of Malaysia, I'd like to share with you something that I read in a book (which I've already posted on Facebook) -

From Soalan 19 daripada 47 Persoalan Berkenaan Qadar dan Qadha - Bolehkah musibah disandarkan kepada taqdir Allah?

Please know that you are not alone in this as we are all being tested too. 

With hardship comes ease, in sha Allah.

December 23, 2014

count your blessings to find what you look for.

So, yesterday, Mama called me to ask me about something. It's been such a long, long, long time since I last talked to her. In fact, it's been a long time since I last updated anyone at home about my well-being; not even on Whatsapp. My sister told me that they're all getting a little worried of my silence. 

Anyway, after we were done talking about business, Mama asked me how things generally are. I think she sort of sensed that I was holding "something" back, mothers naturally being the intuitive people that they are. And with that, came the whole heart to heart session along with the water works, which was expected and also accepted with calming, soothing words from the other side of the line.

Mama then told me that in the face of all this adversity, I really should count my blessings and to always remember that Allah is here for us. And that this phase, like every other good and bad phase I've been through in my life, shall pass.

To many, Mama's advice may just be an overused hackneyed expression meant to be said when nothing else could be said, but I knew that Mama wasn't just using that advice because she had nothing better to advise; she really, really meant it and wanted me to think real hard about it. 

Which I did. 

Yesterday, after battling with a severe bout of demotivation and feeling exhausted from being emotionally battered, I returned to my family, who didn't expect me to be back so early, but jumped with utmost joy from the surprise, nonetheless. 

Last night, as we huddled together under the duvet, trying to keep each other warm (it was raining non-stop yesterday), I realised that that was the happiest I've been in close to a month. And that was probably all it would take to make me really happy for all my life. 

I won't lie and say that I'm feeling a 100% better today, but I'm somewhat feeling better. Because next to that door slammed shut right in my face, are a the million other doors which have widely opened for me. And when I think about those open doors, I know that I'm actually alot luckier than I think. 

December 22, 2014


Under normal circumstances, very few things can leave me unfazed.

Only recently (the past 4 weeks of silence on this blog kind of recently), I'm beginning to wonder what "normal" really is.

I used to think that minding my own business was the most normal thing to do. I come in. I do my job. I leave. I repeat. I don't care about what other people have in their trays. I don't bother them with what I have in mine. And to a certain degree, I expect reciprocity for all the respect I accord to others; their work, their time and their ethics (or even lack of). 

In a nutshell, I do what I need to do to keep my balance. After all, it is said that to avoid falling off the bicycle, you've got to keep on peddling, which I do. But when someone kicks my bike intentionally so that I fall down and hurt, just for the fun of it, I begin to wonder if I've been doing things wrong. And if I too should play that dirty game called "dengki".  

Truth to be told, that thought consumes me. I sometimes catch myself inadvertently scheming evil thoughts and plans because I think that whatever it is I am going through right now is so unfair and that the only way the other person can learn is through a hard and bitter lesson. Each time I think of all that I should do to avenge myself, my chest hurts so bad because it is so abnormal to align each and every thought and action so maliciously, that I start to wonder how others who so naturally do it, can do it so naturally. 

 Seriously. How do you do what you do?

How do you sleep at night?

November 26, 2014

my heart breaks a little when I hear your name.

This morning, I woke up earlier than normal. I didn't plan on it but after the final susu request from Luqman for the night (circa 4.30 a.m.), I just couldn't get back to sleep, so I decided to do some reading. 

When I was taking a breather, I turned to face one of the walls in the bedroom. And I saw a small bag, which carries one of the things I've always loved (which I still very much love) sitting pretty on the shelves. And if you haven't already guessed, that bag contains Theodore. 

I'm not sure how many times Theodore has been mentioned in this blog, but I know it's ALOT (he even has as label of his own here and even then, I've missed some posts). In fact, in my younger years, I always talked about how much I missed Theodore each time I accidentally left him at home or had no choice but not to let him tag along with me to wherever I was going. I talked about Theodore like he was a real person, like a baby, like a best friend. 

However, after having a real baby of my own (which I don't at all regret by the way), I found it increasingly difficult to pay any attention to Theodore at all. It just wasn't possible to carry a 14 kilo baby while also lugging around a DSLR everywhere, no matter how ideal the thought of that situation is. 

I have thought about selling him off before, but I just couldn't bring myself to part with him because he had become such a huge part of me, even when I no longer use him as often as I used to or as often as I'd like. He's one of those things which has made a mark in so many important areas of my life like my relationship and financial independence, for instance...

Plus, there were times when he came in handy, although I've got to admit that the most recent photos I took with Theodore have remained in it, due to it's lack of mobility or rather the lack of space in my bag (as you-know-who has conveniently taken over our lives for good, hehe).

So, with all my reluctance to let it go yet not exactly having enough time and energy to put it to good use, Theodore has been sitting idly on the shelves, where he doesn't belong.  

A few months back, my sister wanted my opinion on which camera she should consider buying in view of her growing projects and without a moment of hesitation, I offered her mine

For free.

(yes, isn't she lucky?)

I'm thinking, if I had to give it away/sell it off, it better be passed on to good, loving hands, right?

And I can't think of anyone better than my sister.

And just in case you're wondering why I had to post this... it's just to make things final in writing, so that I don't look back on my decision. Also, I had to get rid of that niggling feeling of sadness each time I think of how underutilised Theodore is (though I know that it's not for long now!) and of how hard I worked to get it. 

For now, I know that this is the best decision for everyone. 

And if Theodore could talk, I bet he is jumping with joy right now, because who wouldn't want to be jet-setting off to different places with Adik on her archi-adventures?

There. I said it.

Now, I can pass Theodore on in peace. I think


November 20, 2014

ikan bakar, ikan goreng.

Secara amnya, ikan adalah antara sumber makanan yang paling berkhasiat untuk dimakan. Akan tetapi, khasiat ikan dan kiraan kalori berubah-ubah bergantung kepada cara ia dimasak dan disediakan. 

Jadi, kalau lunch tadi kita dua-dua makan ikan tapi aku makin gemuk dan kau makin slim, berkemungkinan besar kau makan ikan bakar (80 kalori) dan aku makan ikan goreng (111 kalori).

Aku mungkin tanya kau, kenapa kau kurus padahal kita makan benda yang sama. Tapi aku malas nak ambil tahu kiraan ikan goreng dan bila aku dah tahu pun, aku cakap, "hek elek, beza 30 kalori je pun!"

Padahal, kalau nak bakar 111 kalori tadi, aku kena jogging 13 minit (lebih kurang 1 batu atau 1.6 k.m). 

Bila aku dah tahu macam-macam kebaikan pasal ikan bakar, aku tetap nak cuba tegakkan juga fakta bahawa ikan goreng yang aku suka tu lah yang paling baik. 

Antaranya, bila kita goreng ikan, semua tulang, sisip, sisik sekalipun jadi rangup, maka tak perlu kita susah-susah nak kuis ikan tu cari tulang bila nak makan. 

Lagi satu, bila kita boleh makan semua bahagian, dah tentu tak ada pembaziran, kan?

Tak cukup dengan itu, aku cuba burukkan ikan bakar pula- 

Sudahlah lambat nak masak, kos penyediaan tinggi pula; kena balut dengan daun pisang lah, sediakan air asam lah. Lepas tu nak makan kena sibuk kuis-kuis tulang. Kalau sedap tak apa jugak! Dan lagi satu, ikan bakar mahal, okay! Ikan goreng aku berapa sen je, tapi kau? Lunch tadi kau kena bayar berapa?

Sedang sibuk aku kutuk ikan bakar kau, tiba-tiba aku berhenti. 

Kau pun heran, jadi kau mendongak nak pandang aku (tadi kau tunduk je dan aku suka hati sebab rasa macam raja di dunia). Nasib baik kau baik hati pandang kat aku sebab rupanya, ada tulang ikan tersekat kat tekak. Iye, aku yang makan ikan goreng tadi ni punya tekak. 

Kau pun bagi aku air walaupun tadi, aku tak berhenti memekak-mekak. 

Hakikatnya, ikan memang elok untuk kita tapi hakikatnya juga, sesiapa yang makan ikan memang akan ada kemungkinan tercekik tulang. 

Kau goreng ke, kau bakar ke, blend buat laksa johor (330 kalori) ke, kau tetap akan tercekik kalau tak hati-hati bila nak makan.

Dan kalau kau betul-betul pandai, kau akan tahu yang post ini bukan semata-mata pasal ikan dan kalori dalam makanan. 

November 19, 2014

how my manicure was ruined.

The last time I did my nails was before I got engaged. Yes, sila percaya. After all, I am a very simple person who needs very little or close to no maintenance and I still feel beautiful (ewah). Whether or not I am still beautiful is of course, a different subjective matter altogether. However, this time last week, I wanted only ONE THING as a treat for myself after receiving my confirmation letter (Alhamdulillah!), which is... if you haven't already guessed it, a manicure-pedicure session. 

So, I went to The Nail Parlour to get my nails done and it was 2 days before my husband noticed. Eheh. And that's the story of how I got my manicure done.

I cook dinner almost daily so at the end of the week, I'm really clueless as to what else I should make. Sometimes, I make whatever I feel like eating on that day, sometimes I try out simple experiments and last weekend, I just asked my husband what he wanted. 

And you know what he said? 

Ayam kurma. 



When people ask me how I manage to cook almost daily, I just smile and tell them that I just do. Today, I'm feeling generous so I'll let you in on a "secret", which is... I just do. Hehe. Okay, I'm joking. I manage because I plan my meals around things like grilled salmon, grilled chicken salad, one pot pastas and other easy peasy one pot meals like stir fried beef with snap peas, for example. These meals need very little effort, use very little oil and they cook real fast. 

And everyone is happy (and healthy).

Our traditional Malaysian cuisines like curry, kurma, ayam masak merah and the likes are without a doubt, delicious and are the truest forms of one pot meals in my opinion, but they take soooo much effort and time and the amount of oil and fat used, gahh!! Plus at the end of the day, I'm not too sure if anybody is too happy about being served with dinner at 9.30 p.m., (banyak betul alasan aku) so I steer clear of these dishes especially on weekdays. 

But on weekends, I have no excuse not to cook it, right? Especially since my husband asked for it?

So, I defrosted some chicken, set aside the ingredients and searched for a simple recipe on the net because frankly, this meal has never really made it to our dining table before... (bahahahah silalah gelakkan saya sebab nak buat kurma pun kena tengok recipe!).

We had late lunch that day. I remember because we were starving and eating like piranhas. So, that night, when I asked my husband whether he still wanted his kurma ayam, he said no and requested something else. Since I had defrosted all the ingredients, I went ahead to prepare the kurma anyway and fixed another simple dinner for the boys. However, I did let them have a little taste of the kurma gravy that night sebab lauk tak berkuah and for that, this is what I get in my inbox the next day- 

So on Monday, both boys walloped the kurma like nobody's business!

And yesterday, knowing well enough that I surely made more than just one batch of kurma (click here if you don't already know of my overcooking habits!), my husband requested for kurma AGAIN and ate plate after plate of rice while si kenit also finished up his meal with much gusto! They may have just been really, really hungry, but aaah, who cares!

After spending so much money and 75 minutes of my life on the whole mani-pedi treatment last week, that's the story of how my manicure was ruined. 

TOTALLY worth it, if you asked me. 

November 17, 2014

motherhood 101: his love is unconditional, so unconditional.

... for now at least. 

A while ago, we bought Luqman the magnetic drawing board in our bid to fill in his time especially during longer journeys and mealtimes out of home. At the time (when we bought it), he was in that crazy scribbling stage where he would scribble everything (walls, cupboards, floors included, yes floors!) and I went crazy trying to scrub everything off with sponges and colgate. 

So, the magnetic drawing board was a saviour, that's for sure. 

Eventually though, he got bored of it and chucked it into his toy box. 

He's been learning alot of things in school (bless his teachers!) and one of the things that has constantly been on the curricular is the Alphabet class. Sometimes, they play with flashcards or worksheets, but there are days when they switch the Phonics Song on the TV so the kids could have some fun. 

Recently, Luqman regained interest in the drawing board... but he was no longer interested in drawing or scribbling on it. Rather... he's more obsessed in testing our drawing skills, especially on those days where he's just heard the Phonics Song.

"A is for Apple (he pronounces it as EPOL), Mama." 

And he shoves the the drawing board under my nose and makes me hold the magnetic pen and DEMANDS that I draw an Apple for him, which I do. After all, how difficult can it be to draw an apple, right? (I wasn't really joking when I said I couldn't draw). Plus, with me being slightly tech averse where he is concerned, I knew that me drawing for him is better than me switching on the Phonics Song on my phone for him to watch. 

Then, when I present the picture of the Apple to him, he shrieks with happiness, which is all good. Problem is... that's not where it stops.

Even on days when we don't have the drawing board, he LOVESSSS to make US draw on any piece of paper we can find. After "A for Apple" comes...
"B for Ball, Mama." - Hah, easy, so I draw a ball!
"C for Cat, Mama." - OK... although my husband say it looks more like a mouse!
"D for Dog, Mama." - Err.. okay for you, I tried...
"E for Elephant, Mama." (at this point, I'm already a little stumped)
"F for Fish, Mama." - Oh, this I am an expert!
"G for Giraffe, Mama." - And I TRIED...


At the time when this happened, we were having dinner outside and he was speaking very loudly and saying "Mama" after EVERY.SINGLE.SENTENCE, so there really was no way for me to pretend that I'm just a very, very untalented aunt of his or something (his Che Su is actually extremely talented by the way!) and I just felt like hiding under the table from embarrassment.


Thing is, when it was daddy's turn to draw and he wanted to show Luqman his version of a "Cat", which didn't look like a mouse, but also didn't look like mine... my boy stops daddy and says,

"BUKAN! BUKAN! BUKAN CAT NI BUKAN. Mama, C for "Cat", Mama."

And he turns to me for the drawing of a "Cat". And I beam with pride because somewhere out there, someone (although he's my son), thinks I'm Picaso or something.

I know that it's only because his love for me (at the moment at least) is unconditional because I really am the last person on earth you should look for to draw anything even if your life depended on it!

 But while it's still "now", I'm going to bask in all this glory.

His love is unbreakable, it's unmistakable.

November 15, 2014

I wish that I could draw.

In fact, I wish that I could do a million other things.

I've been feeling this way for a while now, especially since I started religiously exploring other peoples' pictures on their Instagram account but on Thursday, after I watched a short video of another lady with her son, I felt weirdly insecure.

Somehow, I just felt like I wasn't enough. Inadequate as mother, unattractive as a person in general. And as much as I was aware of how highly inappropriate it was for me to feel that way just because of a complete stranger, it didn't make me feel any better about myself.

In fact, if anything, it made me feel worse.

After work, I went back home to my boys, who greeted me with the most dazzling smiles, with Luqman busily telling me what colour his clothes were and what he did at school that day.

We decided to have dinner outside since I had to collect my phone at the office (accidentally left it on my desk). And since Luqman has been talking about "Epsi (KFC)" quite a bit after one of the birthday parties in school, we decided to give him a treat.

I queued like everybody else. There was probably another 3 people before me who were lucky enough to get their meals the moment they ordered but as my turn approached, I heard the customer at the other counter being told that it would be about 10 minutes before the chicken would be ready and be delivered to their table. I almost wanted to get out of line but glanced at my kid who looked so hopeful so I stayed. 

Nak dijadikan kisah, rezeki Maha Suci Allah, when I ordered, the chicken was just pulled out fresh from the oven, so I didn't have to wait another second to be served and my chicken was in all its yummylicious hot perfection.

I brought our coveted tray to the table and put it down in front of my boys.

Luqman got up from his seat and got soooo excited over the chicken saying all kinds of thing like,

"Wow, Mama, banyaknya!"

"Mama, sedapnya wow Mama Espsi, Mama."

"Bishmillahiwahmaniwahim Awahumabawiknana Bimazazaknana Wakiazabana, amin."

And right there and then, his reaction to that simple meal that I almost always take for granted, put me to great, great shame

If anything, on that Thursday night, I wish that I could be more grateful.

Little beings like Luqman sure do come into our lives for a good reason. 

So, thank You for that. 

November 12, 2014


"Bacalah dengan (menyebut) nama Tuhan-mu yang Menciptakan,
Dia telah Menciptakan manusia dari segumpal darah.
Bacalah, dan Tuhan-mulah Yang Maha Mulia.
Yang Mengajar (manusia) dengan pena.
Dia Mengajarkan manusia apa yang tidak diketahuinya.
Sekali-kali tidak! Sungguh, manusia itu benar-benar melampaui batas,
apabila melihat dirinya serba cukup.
Sungguh, hanya kepada Tuhan-mulah tempat kembali(mu)..."

Al-'Alaq (ayat 1-7)

Each time I think of my short stint as the "Senior Partner" during LLB, I am tickled by the memories of how poyo I used to be and how disillusioned I was about what the working life would be like and how I thought that everything back then was the ideal way of how things should be...

Fast forward 6 years later though... here I am, still working the same job as it has been for almost 6 years (with better position and better pay, Alhamdulillah), grateful as ever for all the experiences that that very short stint prepared me for. I'm also grateful as ever that I took advantage of that whole year to learn all that I could learn, which among others include - how to think on my feet.

As the "Senior Partner" back then, I was expected to know everything and I mean EVERYTHING. I remember during one of the "viva" sessions for Solicitor's Accounts, Mdm. Aziah asked us all a question (I can hardly recall what it was now) and all of my firm mates looked in my direction expectantly, knowing that I would somehow or rather answer that question on the firm's behalf. I remember feeling a blush creep up my neck at that moment, and feeling sick to the stomach because I was so scared that I would let them down. Eventually though, I (of course, flips hair (masa tu)) figured out the answer and I swear I heard them heave a sigh of relief when Mdm. Aziah said we got it right.

At this juncture, you're all probably asking, "Dude, WHAT IS YOUR POINT?!" so I'm going to cut to the chase.

My point is that during my working life so far, I have also been thrown into situations where I was required to think on my feet. While some people fret and make a big fuss out of it, I try not let it show too much (although hati berdebar-debar) and most importantly I try not to kelentong my way out of it.

I admit that at some point in my career, I too have used the kelentong method to wriggle my way out of a tight spot, but I have come to realise that it not only makes me look stupid (and like a big fat liar), it also encourages me to be stupid. And that's the last thing I want because Allah gave me perfectly good brains.

I have come to accept the fact although sometimes other people will inadvertently ask you things that they thought you knew, it's okay to tell them that you don't. Having said that though, there really is no harm in finding out the answers to their queries. After all, if someone gave you something so perfect, you've got to show your appreciation right? In this case, if you don't put your brain to good use, don't you think that you're being ungrateful to Allah for granting it to you?

I think we should never, at any point in our lives think that we know it all.

Because clearly, we don't. 

And knowing that fact, I do think that we should pay heed to the ayat I have cited above.

Read. And don't refuse to learn.

After all, it's a lifelong process that needs to go on and on and on.

Plus, no one likes a big fat liar, that's for sure.

November 10, 2014

run strong.

Last week is what I would call a really, really long week. Really.

It was so bad that by the end of that working week, I couldn't remember what my husband wore earlier on Monday and kept on wondering if I was ironing the same clothes that we both had worn that Monday or Tuesday or whether that was something we wore the week before...

To top that up, I had "working mother issues" with my son, who seemed to sense that his hours with me after school had been cut short (duh, of course he realised, his daddy picked him up almost daily), which led him to refuse sleep and to start acting up unnecessarily.

And then, it rained every single day, which made my laundry chores a 100 times more difficult and it most definitely made training impossible. 

Yes, training. 

So, I joined my second Fun Run last Saturday morning, which was held in conjunction with the Court of Appeal's 20th Anniversary. I only had 2 aims for this time around, which is to - (i) run non-stop; and (ii) beat my own record. By Friday, due to the non-stop rain and long hours at work, I was pretty sure that my lack of training (only managed to "train" on the stairs everyday) would leave me disappointed at the end of the day. I even considered calling in sick on Saturday just to escape the embarrassment that would ensue.

However, one of my bosses told us that he would sponsor our race kit so there was definitely no way out. And most definitely, the pressure was threefold with him sponsoring my race kit because now, I had to worry about not disappointing him as well! 

So, when Saturday came, I prayed hard that I wouldn't faint during the run and just decided to have fun, as the name suggest...

That day, I discovered that - 

(i) despite being a sprinter for the most of my life, I was able to run 5.28 km non-stop;

(ii) my breathing technique played a pivotal role in making sure that I wasn't overly tired throughout the entire run;

(iii) I can run on just 4 pieces of cream crackers for breakfast, as long as I didn't drink anything cold that morning (and the 2 weeks preceding the run);

(iv) high protein meals really helped with stamina, however, carbs are important too. You just have to switch the portion for the 2;

(v) having short term goals for each run helps; and

(vi) although camaraderie is important in sports, you've got to know your own limits - don't fret if you're left behind or have no choice but to leave others behind.

Alhamdulillah, I managed to reach both my goals, which is to run non-stop, which lead me to break my own record (managed to finish the run in 39 minutes). Also managed to get Top 10 position, which is a bonus for me.

Wonderful things sure do happen when you put your mind to it, eh? 

Me with my running buddies. Possibly the only decent photo for that day.

October 31, 2014

kebebalan yang tak terbendung.

Ada hari-hari yang pastinya aku rasa macam ni.

Iye, ini; perasaan yang aku tak pasti apa namanya tapi yang aku pasti, dia buat aku rasa kosong. 

Seolah-olah tak ada apa dalam dunia ni dah yang boleh nak tolong. 

Kadang-kadang aku fikir juga, apa lah masalah aku ni sebenarnya. 

Aku rasa aku dah ada hampir semua benda yang semua orang hendak belaka tapi tetap hati tu terfikir-fikir apa lagi yang mungkin tak cukup. Mungkin je pun...

Padahal... Haih lah hati.

Sebenarnya 5, 6 ayat kat atas ni aku tulis minggu lepas, pada hari yang sama. Tapi aku simpan je sebab suka pendam perasaan lah katakan. Bahahaha. 

Tapi dalam pada aku pendam tu, aku memang kaji satu persatu keadaan hidup aku sekarang untuk cari apa pangkal masalah aku ni sebenarnya. ...

Aku betul-betul bingung dengan keadaan sendiri sebab terasa suatu kebebalan yang tak terbendung. Duduk diam rasa bebal, buat kerja rasa bebal... ada semacam satu mental block yang tak tergapai dek kata-kata.

Suami? Jauh sekali.

Anak? Juga tidak. 

Solat? Aku tak berani tak buat. 

Kerja? Aku kerah tenaga dari lapan ke lima.

Jadi, apa masalah aku sebenarnya?

And surprise, surprise...

Bila aku tengok balik jadual seharian... memang ada satu benda yang aku tertinggal atas macam-macam alasan. 

Iaitu? Al-Mathurat. 


Aku ni jauh sekali daripada alim orangnya. Pakai tudung pun baru-baru ni aja. Bab aurat, kadang-kadang aku pun termasuk dalam golongan "balut, bukan tutup". Hijab tu jauh sekali. Solat tu aku memang cuba jaga walaupun kadang-kadang ada yang terkandas juga... dan untuk complement ibadat aku yang tak seberapa, aku memang cuba baca Al-Mathurat setiap hari. Sebab katanya, walaupun ayatnya ada sikit, tapi banyak hikmat. 

Ada one point dulu dalam hidup aku, aku baca doa-doa tu pagi petang siang malam sebab masa tu tak busy sangat. Haa... tapi di situlah silap aku yang PALING besar. 

Bila dah busy, dah dapat kepercayaan orang lain, dah dapat tanggungjawab untuk handle benda-benda yang masa junior dulu mimpi je lah nak mimpi pun... aku lupa yang  bahawasanya semua kesenangan hati, kepercayaan dan tanggungjawab yang aku dapat tu sebab Allah makbulkan doa aku supaya diberikan rezeki yang baik;

bahawa itulah rezeki aku yang aku minta dan pohon kepada Allah melalui doa-doa aku masa baca Al-Mathurat pagi petang siang malam dulu. 

 Aku memang selalu macam ni kan?

Orang Melayu kata apa? Sudah terhantuk baru tengadah?

Tapi okaylah, aku tengadah lah juga dan come out of this dengan rasa insaf yang tak terbendung pula dan aku sedar bahawa memang aku ni kerdil benar, sebenarnya.

Thank you Allah, for this reminder. 


Again, aku ni memang jauh dari alim orangnya tapi bila sendiri teringat, naklah juga mengingat.

Selagi belum kiamat, moh le kita bertaubat.

Okay? Salam hari Jumaat. 

October 30, 2014

technically, every Malaysian is a girl.

You know how you've sometimes got something on your mind and you really want to let it out and you feel like you can no longer hold it in anymore because it's killing you?

And then... you husband/partner/friend comes along and sees that tonyok face of yours and asks you,

"Is everything okay?"

And you'll go like, "Oh yeah, I'm fine, I'm all good, I'm totally okay!", in the most overly annoying  cheerful voice.?

Then... when your husband/partner/friend leaves because YOU said your were OKAY, you go on Twitter or Blogger and start ranting about how nobody understands and/or cares about you, etc., etc.,...?

Well, which girl ISN'T like that, right? 

And guess who else is like that as well? We MALAYSIANS! Hahahahhaha.

Want to know why I say that?

Well, this revelation dawned on me yesterday when I received a link to a survey about the reading culture in Malayisa . 

I was like... "Oh, man, not another survey!" and I totally and completely ignored it until I came across a book fair some place near my office and said to myself... "I hope they have this and that book instead of this and that book here..." and came to realise that...

nobody in Malaysia is a mind-reader. 

So, how was anyone supposed to know what I liked to read and what I hoped would be sold at the book fair if I didn't even bother responding to the Survey on the reading culture in Malaysia!

Likewise, I have previously been very non-committal in giving responses after attending a particular course and have given good marks out of kesian before. Then, the next time I attend the next series of the course and the same lecturer who I didn't like (who I gave good marks to anyway) appears before me, I catch myself saying, "Oh, man not this dude again!", only to realise that it's totally and completely my fault (and the others' fault as well) for not giving an honest and objective assessment when we had the chance to!

(I totally started trying to give more objective and honest assessments thereafter even though it took more time and I had my colleagues mock me for being completely skema)

Like I said, no one in Malaysia is a mind-reader and though the organisers themselves MIGHT have thought that the lecturer didn't measure to their expectations... since the majority (the attendees) said that he's okay, he MUST be okay, right?  

I don't know why we (both girls and Malaysians) do this to ourselves when in fact we have a certain level of control over our state of happiness and satisfaction. 

I think it's time we all change our attitudes about surveys because having been involved in preparing survey forms before, believe me when I say that there is alot of thought that goes into the questions on that survey form. Most of the time, we really do want people to be happy, trust me. 

So, if you want to be happy too, respond (!!!) because if you don't... then technically, every Malaysian will remain to be a girl..., 

by choice. 

p.s.: If you've responded and can't seem to see any action taken on it, then, ask formally again AND then, if no response is given, by all means, make it viral on Facebook, if you must. Nothing works better than pressure, I agree, but before that, you've first got to take the time to respond properly!

October 29, 2014

public opinion

When it comes to giving opinions (professionally), I've got to say that Malaysians are total b*****s about it (excuse my French).

I dare say this because we Malaysians like to yap yap yap away on our social media of choice and while yapping, we normally play with sentiment and also emotion. This in turn blows whatever issue originally discussed totally out of proportion, which leads to what seems like disharmony in the society

When in fact, at the passive receiving end (like people like myself who just read everything on social media with a pinch of salt), we're laughing at you idiots. Because at the end of the day... no conclusion or solution derives out of all that yapping. All that was created is probably another problem? And maybe just maybe, satisfaction on your part for having letting it out somehow?

Have you watched Thomas The Tank Engine Series before? I remember Thomas being there since my brother was born because once upon a time ago, he was obsessed about it. Fast forward 25 years later, my son (who is 2) is also obsessed about it and my brother still finds the story interesting, as I've caught him lazing around with his nephew before, watching it. And yes, both of them langsung tak berkedip mata masing-masing when I passed by. 

And though I have borderline aversion with technology for children, I too allow Thomas because of the good messages and lessons they try to convey. It encourages Luqman to speak in English too, which is a bonus to me.

Why did I bring Thomas up?

Well, like I said before Thomas has been there since lightyears ago (apparently it's been there more than 25 years ago). Surely the Series wasn't that good from the very beginning. Surely Thomas Series too had hiccups along the way... but look at where they are now. They are still here and still as good as ever. 

When did that happen? Surely not overnight, right? 


I'm not obsessed with the West but sometimes, it's really no wonder why they are successful. I once asked around about Thomas and discovered that it has managed to be on TV for SO LONG because the public opinion in the UK is extremely strong. The producers air the show, the public responds with whether or not they like what they saw and they suggest what could be done better, what should be dropped and what they would like to see next. 

And then, the producers listen and improve. 

On both the giving and receiving end there are no heart feelings, no grudges.

We (Malaysia), we're half a century old. Somehow, I believe that in time we'll get there.

But in order to allow that to happen, we (the public) have to have some valid, structured and professional opinion about things AND channel them in the right direction. 

And by professional, I don't mean that we need to have some kind of expertise in a particular area before we can complain! I'm just saying that we need to convey our message PROFESSIONALLY so that whoever on the receiving end won't lose their respect or interest in our thoughts even before they've perused it. Nobody wants to get swear words and hate messages in their inbox everyday.

If you are unsatisfied with a particular service, complain to the service provider IN WRITING TO THEIR EMAIL. If still unsatisfied, go to our consumer tribunals because they are there for a reason. In fact, do that simultaneously. I know people don't go there because they don't believe in the system, and frankly, I used to be that person too. 

But... I'm a regular on Zalora and once, I was so unsatisfied with their delivery service that I went all out with my formal complaints, so much so that they changed their company policy at one point; i.e. they will only deliver your goods in 5-7 working days during festive seasons rather than promise the 1-3 days which they know they cannot fulfill.

Also, I have once commented on how I wasn't too happy with the delivery company which sent my parcel and the next time I ordered, they sent another delivery service provider. They actually care about your opinion, I am not kidding! You just have give it where it matters, that's all! And you just have to believe and persevere.
Enough with all the yapping already, it's exhausting. 

Give your opinion where it matters, in a way which shows that you want yourself to matter.

Nobody likes a whiny b***h. Especially so if you're a boy. 

And if you really need to let something out, you don't need social media, you desperately need a real friend.

October 27, 2014

nak tolong orang senang, senang.

Mama selalu pesan - jangan lupa orang yang tolong kita masa kita kesusahan.
Sebab kita kena ingat - 
yang orang susah takda apa nak bagi sebagai ganti, apa lagi ganjaran.
Kalau hati orang tak ikhlas, tolong orang susah tu memang suatu keberatan. 
Itu satu kebenaran. 
Jadi, tak kisah macam sekali pun, seboleh-bolehnya, walau ia satu cabaran, ingat -
ingat orang yang tolong kita masa kita kesusahan. 

Jangan kita lupa sebarangan. 

Kerana sesungguhnya, jika kita fikir dalam-dalam; nak tolong orang dah senang tu, senang.

October 20, 2014

that wasn't too bad.

It's Sunday.

I probably should stop telling you what day it is but it's kind of epic that I get to log onto my blog 2 days in row at home, so I guess I'm just a little... jakun, I guess?


 Today, I managed to complete what felt like the longest 5 kilometers I have ever ran in my life. As exhausted as I am, I am kind of proud that I managed to complete my run in 42 minutes, which I think is not too bad for a beginner like myself, ey?

Today I also managed to get one of the best afternoon naps I've had in the longest time. That was after I ate 2 breakfasts and took 2 baths.

Other than being totally wiped out after the whole Run, I really, really did have fun. In fact, I told my husband that I'm going to join another Fun Run before attempting my 10km run and that I plan on becoming a half marathoner before our second baby. Heheh. One can obviously dream, right? 


And right after I wrote that last sentence last night, I remember drifting off into a deep, deep sleep...

I guess I was totally and completely wiped out from the whole experience.

(In retrospect) it really wasn't that bad at all! Pada masa kejadian aku menyumpah lah jugak route Fun Run tu susah gila kot tak berapa nak fun!

However, safe to say that that definitely won't be my last!

(I'm at work today and doing perfectly fine, Alhamdulillah!)

Nah, gambar finisher, ewah.

October 18, 2014

all set.

It's Saturday.

I normally don't have the luxury of logging on to my laptop at home during the weekends (or during any time of the week, for the matter) but it's raining outside and my boys seem to be enjoying their "alone time", so I decided I'd enjoy mine too. 

As I said in my earlier post, alot of things have happened since the end of September. And although I haven't updated much on my "weight-loss" journey, I'm happy to report that I've managed to include some exercise into my lifestyle (in addition to my treadmill sessions (click here if you haven't read about it yet)), which in turn has made me feel so much better about myself.

I've got to admit though that my initial brisk walking/jogging sessions were excruciatingly painful for my limbs, wherein my legs and calves and heels burned each time my feet touched the ground, which I was supposed to expect I guess. After all, I have been out of the whole exercise scene close to 2 years now. 

But as I pushed through those sessions, my body began to acclimatise to my routines and I can now do about 5 kilometers of slow jogging in a commendable amount of time. After a while though, even after changing my routes for each session... I got a little bored...

So, this week's competition is timely.

Wait, what? A COMPETITION? After just about 2 months of "training" (I would hardly call it that!)


I've actually never joined ANY kind of run prior to this... so frankly, I'm kind of nervous!

To make things worse I've never been much of a cross country runner before, having sprinted through high school for the whole of 5 years... PLUS it's now the rainy season so I haven't had any practice AT ALL this week and the only 2 days when the sun shone brightly in the afternoon, I was held back late in the office! 

(excuses, mexcuses) 

Gah! I'm really a ball of nerves right now!

However, since the competition is TOMORROW morning (!!!) and I've already collected my Race Kit, I'm thinking, to hell with all my fears, I've got to start somewhere, so let's do this!

So, yes, wish me luck!

(Kecoh lebih, 5km je pun! Jangan gelak!)

Yeap, I'm all set.



October 09, 2014

all is well...

I feel like so much time has passed since my last post because life has been blowing hot and cold at the same time...

Thing is... only a week has passed since then but it has felt so draggy that I honestly thought I've been away for a month or so now. 

But be rest assured that although life's been blowing hot and cold at the same time... all has been well. 

So, what's been up since my last post? 


But for starters, let's just talk about what happened on Raya Haji, okay?

It was one of our best packed trips. I mean it although I'm in charge of packing because on all other trips, we (well, I) normally don't pack our things as well as I did that weekend. We had all clothes (and extras too) neatly folded and rolled in our luggage bag, organised by which is to be worn with what and on which day. This year's Raya Haji was to be our jubah theme, grey and brown in colour and it was sukahati theme for the second day. 

I was looking forward to a relaxing time since it was an extended weekend.  Plus, we were planning to spend time with our extended family too, which is always fun. And since I didn't get to do that with them during Raya Aidilfitri, that was something I was REALLY looking forward to.

Thing is... on Friday night, after Luqman woke up from his nap after school... he developed a fever. 

After our Northbound trip (more on that later!) and everything else that happened in between then and Raya Haji, that was kind of expected, I guess. So, we prepared for the worst but at the same time, we hoped (or rather knew) that he would bounce back in no time, because he always does!

Thing is... although active as ever, he was deep, deep down feeling very unwell.

He didn't want to eat. 

Didn't want to drink.

Didn't want to do anything apart from play. And nurse from me. 

And then, he developed  rashes. 


Which eczematous child doesn't have rash, right? 

But does an eczematous child develop rash all over his stomach, back, hands, legs and neck so suddenly?

Does an eczematous child develop fever along with the rash?

With all the dengue cases I hear about both from people known and unknown, you'd know by now how much of a nutcase I was just thinking about the possibilities, right?

So, we started googling for more information. It was either that or chicken pox...

"But he's so active."

"He doesn't seem to be in pain."

"And he's not vomitting."


But since he was still so upbeat especially during the day, it must be chicken pox and not that, right?

Gah, I tell you, the thoughts that went on in my head! 

Coupled with the non-sleep I was getting... I think you can all take a wild guess now as to how Raya turned out for us...

I spent the morning sleeping in because both Luqman and I couldn't sleep the night before; him because he was itching and me, because he was itching.

And instead of heading over to my Aunt's place in Serdang, we spent the afternoon looking for any clinics within the vicinity which might be opened, just so we could ease our fears a bit but no such luck.

There was the "Hospital" option but we already knew that at the mention of Luqman's insurance and the showing of his Gold Card... they would find every reason to admit him so that they could administer every single (expensive) "treatment" they could without much mercy and without even considering it's actual necessity.

So we scraped that idea and bought air kelapa and calamine lotion instead. 

Went back home and we all bunked in front of the TV, intermittently offering Luqman air kelapa (masking it with a little ribena for the colour) and he hated it! Hahaha. We probably managed to give him about half a cup in total throughout the weekend but it's okay because it turns out that...



We were in Bangi on Monday and finally found a panel clinic which was opened. Met with a slightly strict doctor, who I rather like, who had wonderful staff, who told me that his rashes were not typical of a dengue rash or chicken pox (I honestly thought they were) and immediately gave Luqman a prick test to clear the air and any doubts that I had in my head. 

Turns out to be a viral fever. And the rashes? It was just typical of some kids to develop rashes when they develop a fever and since Luqman is kind of fair skinned... it became more prominent.

 After the visit to the clinic, Luqman seemed to be in a happier mood and he even developed an appetite!!! And after all those days of not eating, I think he finally figured that the last thing he wanted to do was to starve himself. Plus the fresh air (though I wouldn't really say it's that fresh) did him good I guess and we all know that he hates to be cooped up in the house so perhaps his only real prescription was to get out of the house?


After all that drama, eh?

But after being home for 3 days now... I can really say with some certainty that yes, despite it all... all has been well. 

My 6.a.m. meeting, this morning.

Welcome back, boy!

(and hello, hello to you a good night's sleep! ;))

September 25, 2014

Daniel Wellington - Wrist Candy

To be honest, I'm not much of a watch person simply because I don't see the point of owning so many, that you have to think about which is "Monday", "Tuesday", "Wednesday", "Thursday" and so on and so forth. 

However, when the Daniel Wellington watches came up for sale... I instantly fell in love, not only because I don't own anything (re:watch) like it (which makes it justifiable if I were to get one for myself), but also because they look so damn good! Like yummylicious on my wrist kind of good!

So, I trolled the internet for more information, and found out that the Daniel Wellington watches have 3 signature designs for women-

1. The Stripe Watch

 I love blue, red and white so my love for this one goes without saying.

If I were to get this watch, I would probably pair it with simple stripe tee, pair of pants and denim jacket. I think the striped tee will complement the design of DW blue stripe watches well to create a chic look. But alternatively, I think a plain coloured tee would work as well to lighten up the whole outfit.

2. The Black Leather Watch

I must confess that this is my least favourite out of the 3 signature styles because (to me) it's just so SERIOUS... however, I totally get it why this made it into the "signature" list. It's black, which gives the "gaya, mutu, keunggulan" feel to it, and of course, it's versatile and can be used for all occasions.

If you're into this watch, you can probably wear it with black pants, a white top and an some outerwear.

3. The Brown Leather Strap

I love the whole rustic and country feel that this watch brings with it and if I didn't get the stripey watch, I'd probably get this one for myself!

I think this is one of the most versatile out of the 3 signature styles! The brown is sophisticated enough yet it tones down a look into a more casual appearance effortlessly, regardless of what you put on. If I were to get this one, I would probably throw on what the girl in the picture below is wearing (except of course, I'd be wearing some long pants and my tudung!) because this is one of my most favourite looks ;)

Well, just in case you're wondering where you can get these beautiful wrist candies, head on to Zalora by clicking on the Daniel Wellington tab for a wider collection.

Happy time watching!


September 19, 2014

the information that follows us

Yesterday I saw a married couple talking to each other at the playground, which to me is extremely refreshing and heartwarming considering how "human interaction" is these days.

During one of the recent events that I attended, one of the speakers said that, "There is no reason why the information should not follow us," of course making reference to the convenience that our palm-sized, handheld devices provide. 

But then again, should it (information) really?

How many relations are broken because of the "information that follows us"? How many people misplace their manners when interacting with another non-virtual human being because of the "information that follows us"? And really, how many people are as lucky as the couple at the playground yesterday who actually seemed genuinely interested in real conversations... and most importantly, each other?

Believe you me, I have nothing against gadgets being used by adults, being an avid user myself. However, having seen so many occasions where one (real) person becomes a third wheel in a "love triangle" between him/her with his/her friend and another (virtual) person because of the "information that follows us" and of course having suffered the same fate myself, while also inadvertently having treated others the exact same way... all I can say is... let's learn when to ditch the "information that follows us".

Then we'd all be as lucky as the couple at the playground that I saw yesterday. 

Here's to proper human interaction and real conversations. 

September 11, 2014

what dreams are made of.

The short bio read -

"Haneesa grew up thinking she would one day become a writer. Instead, she read Law, got married and is now a mom of one. She’s currently a FTWM who constantly strives for what’s best (at least in her books), and she also believes that there’s time and energy for everything, if you put your mind to it."

Oh, yes, that short bio is about me.

I did always think that I would one day become a writer. However, during one of my interview sessions to enter into one of the (now quite prestigious) semi-private schools in Malaysia some time 17 years ago (man, I'm old!), the panel was literally left speechless when I told them that that was my ambition.

Even at that age, I was pretty observant and understood body language pretty well, so I knew that by that reason alone they would not offer me a place to study there, which they didn't.

What they did do instead (after they managed to gather their thoughts and collect their jaws off the floor) was to ask me whether I knew of anyone famous in Malaysia who was also a writer. Caught off guard, I didn't answer but they had an answer for me, which was Tun Mahathir.

Realising that writing (at least back in 1998) wasn't really considered as a "career", I read Law and in 2004, I started blogging.

  After all these years of blogging, who would have thought that "someone" would notice my love for writing and thought that I was worthy of a feature, right?

So, you can imagine how proud I felt when my first ever article on parenting was published at for the whole wide world to see!

Sure, it isn't much to most, but for me... this is what dreams are made of; of perseverance and confidence that each of us are born with a special set of skills, which we should all work on and be proud of!

Plus, it's never too late because in my case, my dream only came true just about 6 months shy of my 30th birthday! Imagine having to wait 3 decades!!!

Hit this link if you're interested to read my article, and let me know what you think!

I hope that I would someday do you (and adik-adik, in sha Allah) proud.

September 10, 2014

mamahood 101: they're smarter than you think

So, you've probably read my story on how I got my son to sit in his carseat, right? (click here, if you haven't!) and a few days after that... my husband also tried the same trick, just so we're consistent. 

He was so surprised and happy that it worked and said that that would be the way to go from thereon, especially when we plan to go for long distance travels. I obviously agreed. 

That night we went to Alamanda. We had dinner there, walked around a bit, bought whatever we needed to buy and then, it was time to go home. 

It was carseat time again.

At this point, Luqman already knew that opening any one of the front doors would trigger the car alarm, so he dared not try and headed straight to the rear passenger seat, much to my glee. 

He touched the door, we pressed the correct button to unlock the car and he climbed right in, just as I had anticipated that he would. What I wasn't prepared for was the fact that he then jumped straight to the front passenger seat the moment he got into the car!

Wow, son!

I think I just got trolled!

By a 2-year old, no less!

Nasib kau comel. 


September 09, 2014

my instant best friend.

The best thing about having your own sister, is that you have an instant best friend. Sure, you make friends while you're growing up, sure it's nice to have colleagues who understand, but nothing beats having your own sister as your best friend.

Adik and I were never particularly close while we were growing up. I was always away and she has always looked up to my brother as her "hero", not surprising, seeing the amount of time they spend with each other. While we never fought much, we never really talked much either.

But as we grew up, we started to confide in each other about everything. And as she grew older, we also became Whatsapp buddies. And shopping buddies. And "let's ogle over this together" buddies. And OOTD buddies. Okay, that's enough, you get the drift. Now that she's 20 and I'm... well, still 20-ish, we have so many things in common it's just difficult to NOT tell each other everything. 

So, imagine how I felt when I saw this baby sister of mine leaving for Australia last February. While my brother was betting on who would cry the most, I surrendered even before the game began. I knew I was going to cry the hardest (which I did). I knew that she was no longer that "baby" and that I had to let her go. She's such a big girl already!

In a way, I'm kind of glad that our parting was short and sweet. 

Still, doesn't make it any less sad, especially when I see something and immediately think of her, like how I saw this yummy looking banana chocolate muffin at McCafe earlier this year and wanted to tell her "Let's taste this together and see if it's better than the one we normally have!", only to realise that it's probably going to be a couple of years before I get to see her again! Gahh!!!

Thing is... I don't have to wait for a couple of years for that because she'll be back in November. 

While she's homesick, I'm terribly Adiksick as well. 

Like, how can I NOT be, right?

'Cause we're both creepy like that!