October 31, 2014

kebebalan yang tak terbendung.

Ada hari-hari yang pastinya aku rasa macam ni.

Iye, ini; perasaan yang aku tak pasti apa namanya tapi yang aku pasti, dia buat aku rasa kosong. 

Seolah-olah tak ada apa dalam dunia ni dah yang boleh nak tolong. 

Kadang-kadang aku fikir juga, apa lah masalah aku ni sebenarnya. 

Aku rasa aku dah ada hampir semua benda yang semua orang hendak belaka tapi tetap hati tu terfikir-fikir apa lagi yang mungkin tak cukup. Mungkin je pun...

Padahal... Haih lah hati.

Sebenarnya 5, 6 ayat kat atas ni aku tulis minggu lepas, pada hari yang sama. Tapi aku simpan je sebab suka pendam perasaan lah katakan. Bahahaha. 

Tapi dalam pada aku pendam tu, aku memang kaji satu persatu keadaan hidup aku sekarang untuk cari apa pangkal masalah aku ni sebenarnya. ...

Aku betul-betul bingung dengan keadaan sendiri sebab terasa suatu kebebalan yang tak terbendung. Duduk diam rasa bebal, buat kerja rasa bebal... ada semacam satu mental block yang tak tergapai dek kata-kata.

Suami? Jauh sekali.

Anak? Juga tidak. 

Solat? Aku tak berani tak buat. 

Kerja? Aku kerah tenaga dari lapan ke lima.

Jadi, apa masalah aku sebenarnya?

And surprise, surprise...

Bila aku tengok balik jadual seharian... memang ada satu benda yang aku tertinggal atas macam-macam alasan. 

Iaitu? Al-Mathurat. 


Aku ni jauh sekali daripada alim orangnya. Pakai tudung pun baru-baru ni aja. Bab aurat, kadang-kadang aku pun termasuk dalam golongan "balut, bukan tutup". Hijab tu jauh sekali. Solat tu aku memang cuba jaga walaupun kadang-kadang ada yang terkandas juga... dan untuk complement ibadat aku yang tak seberapa, aku memang cuba baca Al-Mathurat setiap hari. Sebab katanya, walaupun ayatnya ada sikit, tapi banyak hikmat. 

Ada one point dulu dalam hidup aku, aku baca doa-doa tu pagi petang siang malam sebab masa tu tak busy sangat. Haa... tapi di situlah silap aku yang PALING besar. 

Bila dah busy, dah dapat kepercayaan orang lain, dah dapat tanggungjawab untuk handle benda-benda yang masa junior dulu mimpi je lah nak mimpi pun... aku lupa yang  bahawasanya semua kesenangan hati, kepercayaan dan tanggungjawab yang aku dapat tu sebab Allah makbulkan doa aku supaya diberikan rezeki yang baik;

bahawa itulah rezeki aku yang aku minta dan pohon kepada Allah melalui doa-doa aku masa baca Al-Mathurat pagi petang siang malam dulu. 

 Aku memang selalu macam ni kan?

Orang Melayu kata apa? Sudah terhantuk baru tengadah?

Tapi okaylah, aku tengadah lah juga dan come out of this dengan rasa insaf yang tak terbendung pula dan aku sedar bahawa memang aku ni kerdil benar, sebenarnya.

Thank you Allah, for this reminder. 


Again, aku ni memang jauh dari alim orangnya tapi bila sendiri teringat, naklah juga mengingat.

Selagi belum kiamat, moh le kita bertaubat.

Okay? Salam hari Jumaat. 

October 30, 2014

technically, every Malaysian is a girl.

You know how you've sometimes got something on your mind and you really want to let it out and you feel like you can no longer hold it in anymore because it's killing you?

And then... you husband/partner/friend comes along and sees that tonyok face of yours and asks you,

"Is everything okay?"

And you'll go like, "Oh yeah, I'm fine, I'm all good, I'm totally okay!", in the most overly annoying  cheerful voice.?

Then... when your husband/partner/friend leaves because YOU said your were OKAY, you go on Twitter or Blogger and start ranting about how nobody understands and/or cares about you, etc., etc.,...?

Well, which girl ISN'T like that, right? 

And guess who else is like that as well? We MALAYSIANS! Hahahahhaha.

Want to know why I say that?

Well, this revelation dawned on me yesterday when I received a link to a survey about the reading culture in Malayisa . 

I was like... "Oh, man, not another survey!" and I totally and completely ignored it until I came across a book fair some place near my office and said to myself... "I hope they have this and that book instead of this and that book here..." and came to realise that...

nobody in Malaysia is a mind-reader. 

So, how was anyone supposed to know what I liked to read and what I hoped would be sold at the book fair if I didn't even bother responding to the Survey on the reading culture in Malaysia!

Likewise, I have previously been very non-committal in giving responses after attending a particular course and have given good marks out of kesian before. Then, the next time I attend the next series of the course and the same lecturer who I didn't like (who I gave good marks to anyway) appears before me, I catch myself saying, "Oh, man not this dude again!", only to realise that it's totally and completely my fault (and the others' fault as well) for not giving an honest and objective assessment when we had the chance to!

(I totally started trying to give more objective and honest assessments thereafter even though it took more time and I had my colleagues mock me for being completely skema)

Like I said, no one in Malaysia is a mind-reader and though the organisers themselves MIGHT have thought that the lecturer didn't measure to their expectations... since the majority (the attendees) said that he's okay, he MUST be okay, right?  

I don't know why we (both girls and Malaysians) do this to ourselves when in fact we have a certain level of control over our state of happiness and satisfaction. 

I think it's time we all change our attitudes about surveys because having been involved in preparing survey forms before, believe me when I say that there is alot of thought that goes into the questions on that survey form. Most of the time, we really do want people to be happy, trust me. 

So, if you want to be happy too, respond (!!!) because if you don't... then technically, every Malaysian will remain to be a girl..., 

by choice. 

p.s.: If you've responded and can't seem to see any action taken on it, then, ask formally again AND then, if no response is given, by all means, make it viral on Facebook, if you must. Nothing works better than pressure, I agree, but before that, you've first got to take the time to respond properly!

October 29, 2014

public opinion

When it comes to giving opinions (professionally), I've got to say that Malaysians are total b*****s about it (excuse my French).

I dare say this because we Malaysians like to yap yap yap away on our social media of choice and while yapping, we normally play with sentiment and also emotion. This in turn blows whatever issue originally discussed totally out of proportion, which leads to what seems like disharmony in the society

When in fact, at the passive receiving end (like people like myself who just read everything on social media with a pinch of salt), we're laughing at you idiots. Because at the end of the day... no conclusion or solution derives out of all that yapping. All that was created is probably another problem? And maybe just maybe, satisfaction on your part for having letting it out somehow?

Have you watched Thomas The Tank Engine Series before? I remember Thomas being there since my brother was born because once upon a time ago, he was obsessed about it. Fast forward 25 years later, my son (who is 2) is also obsessed about it and my brother still finds the story interesting, as I've caught him lazing around with his nephew before, watching it. And yes, both of them langsung tak berkedip mata masing-masing when I passed by. 

And though I have borderline aversion with technology for children, I too allow Thomas because of the good messages and lessons they try to convey. It encourages Luqman to speak in English too, which is a bonus to me.

Why did I bring Thomas up?

Well, like I said before Thomas has been there since lightyears ago (apparently it's been there more than 25 years ago). Surely the Series wasn't that good from the very beginning. Surely Thomas Series too had hiccups along the way... but look at where they are now. They are still here and still as good as ever. 

When did that happen? Surely not overnight, right? 


I'm not obsessed with the West but sometimes, it's really no wonder why they are successful. I once asked around about Thomas and discovered that it has managed to be on TV for SO LONG because the public opinion in the UK is extremely strong. The producers air the show, the public responds with whether or not they like what they saw and they suggest what could be done better, what should be dropped and what they would like to see next. 

And then, the producers listen and improve. 

On both the giving and receiving end there are no heart feelings, no grudges.

We (Malaysia), we're half a century old. Somehow, I believe that in time we'll get there.

But in order to allow that to happen, we (the public) have to have some valid, structured and professional opinion about things AND channel them in the right direction. 

And by professional, I don't mean that we need to have some kind of expertise in a particular area before we can complain! I'm just saying that we need to convey our message PROFESSIONALLY so that whoever on the receiving end won't lose their respect or interest in our thoughts even before they've perused it. Nobody wants to get swear words and hate messages in their inbox everyday.

If you are unsatisfied with a particular service, complain to the service provider IN WRITING TO THEIR EMAIL. If still unsatisfied, go to our consumer tribunals because they are there for a reason. In fact, do that simultaneously. I know people don't go there because they don't believe in the system, and frankly, I used to be that person too. 

But... I'm a regular on Zalora and once, I was so unsatisfied with their delivery service that I went all out with my formal complaints, so much so that they changed their company policy at one point; i.e. they will only deliver your goods in 5-7 working days during festive seasons rather than promise the 1-3 days which they know they cannot fulfill.

Also, I have once commented on how I wasn't too happy with the delivery company which sent my parcel and the next time I ordered, they sent another delivery service provider. They actually care about your opinion, I am not kidding! You just have give it where it matters, that's all! And you just have to believe and persevere.
Enough with all the yapping already, it's exhausting. 

Give your opinion where it matters, in a way which shows that you want yourself to matter.

Nobody likes a whiny b***h. Especially so if you're a boy. 

And if you really need to let something out, you don't need social media, you desperately need a real friend.

October 27, 2014

nak tolong orang senang, senang.

Mama selalu pesan - jangan lupa orang yang tolong kita masa kita kesusahan.
Sebab kita kena ingat - 
yang orang susah takda apa nak bagi sebagai ganti, apa lagi ganjaran.
Kalau hati orang tak ikhlas, tolong orang susah tu memang suatu keberatan. 
Itu satu kebenaran. 
Jadi, tak kisah macam sekali pun, seboleh-bolehnya, walau ia satu cabaran, ingat -
ingat orang yang tolong kita masa kita kesusahan. 

Jangan kita lupa sebarangan. 

Kerana sesungguhnya, jika kita fikir dalam-dalam; nak tolong orang dah senang tu, senang.

October 20, 2014

that wasn't too bad.

It's Sunday.

I probably should stop telling you what day it is but it's kind of epic that I get to log onto my blog 2 days in row at home, so I guess I'm just a little... jakun, I guess?


 Today, I managed to complete what felt like the longest 5 kilometers I have ever ran in my life. As exhausted as I am, I am kind of proud that I managed to complete my run in 42 minutes, which I think is not too bad for a beginner like myself, ey?

Today I also managed to get one of the best afternoon naps I've had in the longest time. That was after I ate 2 breakfasts and took 2 baths.

Other than being totally wiped out after the whole Run, I really, really did have fun. In fact, I told my husband that I'm going to join another Fun Run before attempting my 10km run and that I plan on becoming a half marathoner before our second baby. Heheh. One can obviously dream, right? 


And right after I wrote that last sentence last night, I remember drifting off into a deep, deep sleep...

I guess I was totally and completely wiped out from the whole experience.

(In retrospect) it really wasn't that bad at all! Pada masa kejadian aku menyumpah lah jugak route Fun Run tu susah gila kot tak berapa nak fun!

However, safe to say that that definitely won't be my last!

(I'm at work today and doing perfectly fine, Alhamdulillah!)

Nah, gambar finisher, ewah.

October 18, 2014

all set.

It's Saturday.

I normally don't have the luxury of logging on to my laptop at home during the weekends (or during any time of the week, for the matter) but it's raining outside and my boys seem to be enjoying their "alone time", so I decided I'd enjoy mine too. 

As I said in my earlier post, alot of things have happened since the end of September. And although I haven't updated much on my "weight-loss" journey, I'm happy to report that I've managed to include some exercise into my lifestyle (in addition to my treadmill sessions (click here if you haven't read about it yet)), which in turn has made me feel so much better about myself.

I've got to admit though that my initial brisk walking/jogging sessions were excruciatingly painful for my limbs, wherein my legs and calves and heels burned each time my feet touched the ground, which I was supposed to expect I guess. After all, I have been out of the whole exercise scene close to 2 years now. 

But as I pushed through those sessions, my body began to acclimatise to my routines and I can now do about 5 kilometers of slow jogging in a commendable amount of time. After a while though, even after changing my routes for each session... I got a little bored...

So, this week's competition is timely.

Wait, what? A COMPETITION? After just about 2 months of "training" (I would hardly call it that!)


I've actually never joined ANY kind of run prior to this... so frankly, I'm kind of nervous!

To make things worse I've never been much of a cross country runner before, having sprinted through high school for the whole of 5 years... PLUS it's now the rainy season so I haven't had any practice AT ALL this week and the only 2 days when the sun shone brightly in the afternoon, I was held back late in the office! 

(excuses, mexcuses) 

Gah! I'm really a ball of nerves right now!

However, since the competition is TOMORROW morning (!!!) and I've already collected my Race Kit, I'm thinking, to hell with all my fears, I've got to start somewhere, so let's do this!

So, yes, wish me luck!

(Kecoh lebih, 5km je pun! Jangan gelak!)

Yeap, I'm all set.



October 09, 2014

all is well...

I feel like so much time has passed since my last post because life has been blowing hot and cold at the same time...

Thing is... only a week has passed since then but it has felt so draggy that I honestly thought I've been away for a month or so now. 

But be rest assured that although life's been blowing hot and cold at the same time... all has been well. 

So, what's been up since my last post? 


But for starters, let's just talk about what happened on Raya Haji, okay?

It was one of our best packed trips. I mean it although I'm in charge of packing because on all other trips, we (well, I) normally don't pack our things as well as I did that weekend. We had all clothes (and extras too) neatly folded and rolled in our luggage bag, organised by which is to be worn with what and on which day. This year's Raya Haji was to be our jubah theme, grey and brown in colour and it was sukahati theme for the second day. 

I was looking forward to a relaxing time since it was an extended weekend.  Plus, we were planning to spend time with our extended family too, which is always fun. And since I didn't get to do that with them during Raya Aidilfitri, that was something I was REALLY looking forward to.

Thing is... on Friday night, after Luqman woke up from his nap after school... he developed a fever. 

After our Northbound trip (more on that later!) and everything else that happened in between then and Raya Haji, that was kind of expected, I guess. So, we prepared for the worst but at the same time, we hoped (or rather knew) that he would bounce back in no time, because he always does!

Thing is... although active as ever, he was deep, deep down feeling very unwell.

He didn't want to eat. 

Didn't want to drink.

Didn't want to do anything apart from play. And nurse from me. 

And then, he developed  rashes. 


Which eczematous child doesn't have rash, right? 

But does an eczematous child develop rash all over his stomach, back, hands, legs and neck so suddenly?

Does an eczematous child develop fever along with the rash?

With all the dengue cases I hear about both from people known and unknown, you'd know by now how much of a nutcase I was just thinking about the possibilities, right?

So, we started googling for more information. It was either that or chicken pox...

"But he's so active."

"He doesn't seem to be in pain."

"And he's not vomitting."


But since he was still so upbeat especially during the day, it must be chicken pox and not that, right?

Gah, I tell you, the thoughts that went on in my head! 

Coupled with the non-sleep I was getting... I think you can all take a wild guess now as to how Raya turned out for us...

I spent the morning sleeping in because both Luqman and I couldn't sleep the night before; him because he was itching and me, because he was itching.

And instead of heading over to my Aunt's place in Serdang, we spent the afternoon looking for any clinics within the vicinity which might be opened, just so we could ease our fears a bit but no such luck.

There was the "Hospital" option but we already knew that at the mention of Luqman's insurance and the showing of his Gold Card... they would find every reason to admit him so that they could administer every single (expensive) "treatment" they could without much mercy and without even considering it's actual necessity.

So we scraped that idea and bought air kelapa and calamine lotion instead. 

Went back home and we all bunked in front of the TV, intermittently offering Luqman air kelapa (masking it with a little ribena for the colour) and he hated it! Hahaha. We probably managed to give him about half a cup in total throughout the weekend but it's okay because it turns out that...



We were in Bangi on Monday and finally found a panel clinic which was opened. Met with a slightly strict doctor, who I rather like, who had wonderful staff, who told me that his rashes were not typical of a dengue rash or chicken pox (I honestly thought they were) and immediately gave Luqman a prick test to clear the air and any doubts that I had in my head. 

Turns out to be a viral fever. And the rashes? It was just typical of some kids to develop rashes when they develop a fever and since Luqman is kind of fair skinned... it became more prominent.

 After the visit to the clinic, Luqman seemed to be in a happier mood and he even developed an appetite!!! And after all those days of not eating, I think he finally figured that the last thing he wanted to do was to starve himself. Plus the fresh air (though I wouldn't really say it's that fresh) did him good I guess and we all know that he hates to be cooped up in the house so perhaps his only real prescription was to get out of the house?


After all that drama, eh?

But after being home for 3 days now... I can really say with some certainty that yes, despite it all... all has been well. 

My 6.a.m. meeting, this morning.

Welcome back, boy!

(and hello, hello to you a good night's sleep! ;))