full term.

It's my second pregnancy and I'm still not very sure how the weeks are counted. All I know is that by the end of this week when I go for my check-up, I will be full-term -- 36 weeks.

Since I kept my pregnancy a secret for quite some time and my belly is relatively small as compared to the rest of some other pregnant mommies out there, most people who have just discovered my pregnancy, which is when I started to really show some time January/February, think that I'll only be going on my maternity leave some time in July. 

ha nah! bukti!

I, on the otherhand, feel like I've been carrying Adik Baby like...  forever! Like I said in my previous post, I feel heavy and tired and sleepy all the time! In fact, over the weekend, I looked so round that an honest little boy (probably Luqman's age) came up to me and asked me, "Kenapa Acik gemok?" -___-"  So, in a way, I really can't wait to see her and finally hold her in my arms!

Having said that though, I do hope that Adik Baby will go on to bake in the oven for as long as she needs before she makes an entry into this world. Karang asyik cakap heavy and tired and sleepy all the time, dia merajuk and come out before its time sebab merajuk pula, ha! 

Anyways, I didn't buy that many clothes this time round (although my husband will beg to differ -- well, what's a mother expecting a girl got better to do when she's left unaccompanied at any shop selling baby clothes, kan? heheheh) and all those clothes have already been pre-washed and folded. I just haven't had the time to put them into my hospital bag yet!  *panic*

Speaking of necessities, there are quite a number of the bigger things which I have yet to prepare for the arrival of our new baby, among others including the breastpump. Friends on FB already know the tragic fate of my Medela Freestyle which has been declared to be beyond economic repair and my frantic search for a new breastpump (sadly other than Freestyle) which works well and wouldn't burn a hole in my pocket. So far, with the help of my fellow friends, I have managed to shortlist 2 which I might get and I'm just waiting for the right time to get them i.e. this weekend so that the warranty would run from a later date -- closer to my EDD. 

Other than the breastpump, I am also seriously considering buying a cot. We do still plan on co-sleeping, but with Luqman conquering the bed most nights, leaving my husband and I with barely any space to sleep on (plus all the jumping and ruckus and stunts he does on the bed) I definitely am not taking any chances. We had a playpen, which I decided to just leave at my mom's so that all her cucus would benefit from it, which we can re-use, but I feel like it's not very practical for breastfeeding moms -- especially if Adik Baby wakes up every 1-2 hours like her brother! =_='

And finally, one of the other bigger things which I hopefully can cross off my list is my confinement lady. The last time I came out from confinement, I felt... tired. Padahal I stayed with my mom and didn't have to do anything apart from feeding Luqman. This time round, I told all families that I'd like to try it on my own. Not that I don't appreciate them wanting to help, but I'm a big girl now. Plus, my paramount consideration is my children's comfort. I want Luqman to continue going to school and to not miss his toys and books and his familiar surroundings. I also hope that by staying in our own home, we (Adik Baby and I) would  be able to acclimatize faster to being on our own and stick to a schedule which would suit us all best. I've actually paid a booking fee to my confinement lady and now I'm just hoping that all things work out well when the time actually comes. 

I sound so much like a second time mom, don't you think? Hahaha. The things which used to matter so much back then don't really matter that much these days -- which makes me feel somewhat old, but at the same time, so much more mature, which I think really isn't a bad thing at all. 

Now, I just hope that everything will work out fine in the end and that Adik Baby would be born healthy and happy like her big brother. 

Here's to being full-term! Congratulations Adik Baby, for making it this far! :)

BF 101: Your Pump Plan

Or rather, what the majority of pumping moms call the Pumping Schedule.

Do I have one? Of course I do.

It goes –

8.30. 11.30. 1.45. 5.15. at work.

And on a good day,

11.30 p.m (power pump). 6.45 (a.m.) at home.

30 minutes per session.

Thing is, for most working moms, it’s really not that easy to keep to the pump plan to a tee, isn’t it? Not impossible, I agree, but also not to a tee.

Most breastfeeding enthusiasts suggest that we act all gung-ho when sticking to the pump plan. Don’t bother about what people think of you. Don’t bother about what people say about you. To hell with the rest of the world. Just leave the meeting. Or bring the pump into the meeting. No excuse for not pumping. Mom’s milk is best. Baby deserves mom’s milk. Formula is poison.

Yeah. I know right? If you don’t agree that this is how most fully breastfeeding mothers sound like (because you might be one yourself), maybe it’s time for you to muhasabah.

But that deserves another post of its own. Point is, how important is that pump plan?

Very important. Very, very important. It’s very important to tell your b(oob)s to be full at the same time every single day (especially) when away from your baby, and the only way to do that is to stick to the plan.

When I got back to work, this was one of the issues which caused a lot of anxiety to me. For one I didn’t know how to break the news to my boss about my pump plan. And secondly, my job involves a lot of meetings. I most definitely can’t simply leave the meeting or not attend it altogether. I may be gung-ho but I most definitely am not irresponsible.

And so began my anxiety episode which eventually lead to stress, which eventually led to borderline depression which eventually led to having to supplement with formula.

So, after I supplemented, I thought long and hard about my pump plan (which used to be a different one from the above). I knew that I had to do something and to stick to something which is workable for me. We may all be working mothers, but our jobs, despite being similar, may not be exactly the same. After reassessing my situation, the schedule I mentioned above is the one I stuck to.

But like I said, it was still difficult to stick to it with utmost perfection. So, what I did to ensure I got the amount of milk I target for every day is to replace every missed pump session with a power pumping session. For example, I normally am forced to skip my 11.30 because of meetings. So, what I do is, when the meeting ends (at say for example 12.15), I dash back to my room and start power pumping until 1.15. Then, I run down to the café to get some lunch (tapau whatever’s left there) and then perform my Zuhur prayers and then stick to my next scheduled pump session. Of course, for the 1.45 session, I’d get less than I normally would, but what’s important is that at the end of the day, I’d get the amount I targeted.

The most I’ve gotten so far per pump session? Is 7 oz. at 2.00 p.m. Don’t get all excited just yet. That only occurred twice and it’s only because I skipped 2 earlier pumping sessions when I had to attend a course.

Now, while breastfeeding may be natural, lactation is a science. And I couldn’t agree more.

This is the other reason why pump plans are extremely important. Though we might not be able to observe the schedule perfectly, it is important that our b(oob)s are told to produce a certain amount (no matter how little) at certain times in day. So, when we’re forced to skip a session or two, the accumulated amount would still be the amount we would normally get from the sessions we missed. Faham kan?

The part about telling my boss and colleagues about my pump plan was one of the things I stressed out about previously too. So, how did I combat this issue?

By being honest. Totally and completely honest. Especially if I had to decline non-work related invitations.

“Puan, saya tak join ye. Nenen saya rasa nak pecah dah ni.”

There.

With curious male colleagues, I made sure I treat breastfeeding and pumping as something which is totally and completely natural (though only God knows how difficult it is to keep up that brave façade.)

When they dash into my room –

“Apakebenda bunyik tu?”

“Breastpump saya.”

“Hoh, napa awak tak tutup lampu ke, kunci pintu ke?”

“Kenapa nak kena kunci? Awak nampak apapa yang tak patut?

“Emm. Tak.”

“So, kalau saya tak rasa malu, kenapa awak pulak nak malu?”

There.

These days, they’ve learned that it’s okay to come for discussions with me although my FS is buzzing away.

And so, although my success is incomparable to those who have deep freezers full of EBM, to me, these little things, such as my pump plan and honesty, makes me just as happy to still be breastfeeding.

So, happy pumping milk, everyone! Even if your journey isn’t as perfect as others. Trust me, when you're so used to pumping milk, half an hour seems like such a short period of time!

♥

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BF 101: Breastpump(s)

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS PURELY BASED ON MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE.

   

I recently became a proud owner of the Maserati of all breast pumps; the Medela FS. I’ve got to say that that was one of the blessings that Ramadan brought along with it and I am forever grateful that Allah granted my prayers in almost what seemed like a split second!

On that fateful day, a colleague of mine was in the office for a meeting and she dropped by my room because she hadn’t seen me since I gave birth. At the time, she saw that I had 2 breastpumps under my desk; Medela Swing and Spectra 3.

After we exchanged breastfeeding stories, she told me she wanted to lend me her FS since her daughter no longer wanted to breastfeed and that she had only started using the FS for about 2 months or so.

Probably shocked at the proposal (and mighty pleased, if I might add), I obliged. At the time, I remember that I was googling on Medela FS and dreaming about it every single day. I wanted it so badly, I even proposed to my husband that he get it for me. And that coming from me is big considering the fact that I never really ask for anything at all. That just shows how much I really wanted the Medela FS.

But why did I need the Medela FS in the first place when I had 2 other breastpumps which are in wonderful working condition?

Well…

Medela Swing

To be honest, the Swing served me really well. In fact, it was the Swing that helped me collect approximately 135oz of milk during my maternity leave. But for someone who yielded so little, making a bottle of milk took too much of my time. If I was lucky, I was able to get about 4 oz from both B(oob)s per pumping session (which takes about 40 minutes or so). But on most days… I’d have to be content with 1 ½ - 2 oz per pumping session.

With a job that requires me to attend discussions and meetings and demands urgent attention most of the time, 3 breaks of 40 minutes to an hour during office hours was just too much. That meant I had to take 3 hours off my 8-10 hours at work and I hated cheating like that.

Spectra 3

So, I bought the Spectra 3 because of it’s double pumping feature. I was privileged enough to be given the chance to try the spare pump at Lunatots Putrajaya before I made my decision. And wow, I was impressed at how quiet it is as compared to the Swing. I placed my order in hopes that it will do a better job in less time.

However, having gotten used to the intermittent suction of the Swing… Spectra 3’s suction was just too much for me. It was as if my nipples were pulled and twisted with each suction. Every day, I’d imagine milk flowing into my bottles to ease the pain, but to no avail. It still took me 40 minutes or more to get the same amount of milk I got with the Swing. At times, I yielded even less than normal.

To make matters worse, I came home every day with blisters on my areola. I cringed every time my baby wanted to direct feed, which made me feel bad because direct feeding is actually my favourite part of breastfeeding.

After reading up on breast trauma, I decided that I had to let the Spectra 3 go. While others managed to fully breastfeed their babies until they were 2 with the help of Spectra 3, it just wasn’t for me.

So back to the Swing I went.

Medela FS

Of course that was until I tried the Medela FS my colleague lent me. Got to admit that it wasn’t exactly a match made in heaven from the very beginning. In fact, there were days when I got totally frustrated with it. Dahlah bunyi pun taknak kalah…

But… after using it for about 2 weeks and sticking to a more realistic pump plan, I started to see better results. Of course, when I say better results, it doesn’t mean I’m yielding so much that I now have a whole freezer full of frozen EBM, no. But to me, a little better is a lot better than nothing at all. Some days I make 10 oz, some days I make 12 oz. Now that he drinks 4 oz at one go, that’s 2-3 feedings a day for my boy.

And though that may be few to some, for me what’s important is that susu ibu tak putus during the day, even if I have to supplement with a little bit of formula. Some days, mostly Mondays, he doesn’t need any formula at all. And though some might deem me of being overboard for thinking that I’ve been successful in my breastfeeding, I can’t help but feel proud of myself for being able to breastfeed him this far. With each challenge, I refused to give up. And to me, that is the first step to success.

Of course, after using the FS for about a month, I couldn’t really live without it. After much persuasion, my colleague agreed to let me have it for a fraction of the retail price.

Alhamdulillah, lembut hati dia nak jual. Alhamdulillah I am still making milk every day. Alhamdulillah, I am not a quitter.

My advice to mommies out there is… it’s worth to invest in a good breastpump with a double pumping feature, especially if you are working. But whatever your pump may be, since your pump is not your baby, your body’s going to need some time to get used to it… so, USE IT way, way, way before going back to work okay?  

So glad I’ve found my (almost perfect) match. Alhamdulillah ;)

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At 100.

“It’s not supposed to be a race to reach a record, it’s supposed to be a journey”

After I ceremoniously broke down here, my husband asked me out for a lunch date. And lunch date was spent in silence. He did ask me why I was so quiet, and then, of course, drama air mata pun bermula. I pity my husband because my tear glands really have no mercy on him. I can cry in a lift full of people after sending Luqman off to the babysitter’s, I can cry while having lunch at a food court.

Point in hand is that I can cry even with people around, no issue.

And as always, people will always think it’s something that he did or said. I told him that I was hoping to be able to miraculously make that 6 bottles of milk by the time the day ended, but if I didn’t, I didn’t want to be the one to buy the milk from a shop. So, he had to do it.

To which of course, I cried again, looking at boxes and boxes of milk, as I have never been met with so many options. There was always just… me.

But well, when Luqman was 100 days old, I was only able to give him 3 bottles of milk as I usually made every day, even with extended pumping schedule. As much as I wished I had made more, there’s only so much a mother can give her child.

So, with a heavy heart, I supplemented.

Nak dijadikan cerita, we were given half day that day because we had an event that night. So, the moment I knew (which was very early in the morning), I called Luqman’s babysitter to tell her not to give the formula, as I was planning to give her the milk I pumped that morning for Luqman to drink and that I would later pick Luqman up earlier so that he didn’t have to drink the formula.

Nak dijadikan cerita lagi, I couldn’t get through her phone. Told my husband to call and he couldn’t get through either. We both kept trying to no avail.

So, the moment lunch hour came, I dashed off to her house along with cooler bag and all. Running out of the elevator and practically jumping through the front door. He had just drank bottle number 2, I saw. “Phew, still exclusive”, I thought.

But I was wrong.

Nak dijadikan kisah, she tested the formula on him before bottle number 2 so that she could decide whether or not to call me for me to send my milk to him. As expected, Luqman being the wonderful baby that he is, hesitated at first, but finished the bottle anyhow. And so, exclusive ended at 100.

And as expected, I cried a bucket.

But yesterday (at 101 days) Luqman’s babysitter told me a story about someone calling her in the morning. Her phone seemed to work fine yesterday, when just the day before, as I was frantically trying to stop her from giving my son formula, it was broken.

Now that, ladies and gents, is what we call tak ada rezeki. It was just not meant to be.

Yesterday, when I picked my son up and saw how full and happy he was, I knew that it was okay. You people are right. It doesn’t make him any less of a person, it doesn’t make me any less of a mother.

In fact, yesterday, for the first time in 101 days since Luqman was born, I felt relaxed. Maybe because I am fully redha with what has been charted for me.

Bottom line is that I have tried many, many things. From the things I do to the things I eat to the things I drink; power pumping every single night, frequent pumping, early morning pumping, tandem pumping, direct feeding, drinking longan, red dates, kurma, milk, soya, Horlicks, honey… you name it. Short of pills and supplements, I have done it all.

And right now, I’m drinking fenugreek and have yet to see the results. And like I said, it’s not that I have given up on breastfeeding and breastmilk totally. I’ve just got to be thankful that despite being given the bottle and part formula during the day, my little boy still wants me when I get back from work. And that's all that's available for him.

Maybe, it’s time for me to concentrate on nurturing him from other aspects as well, other than the milk he drinks. It’s been a while since I last Googled on anything other than breastmilk. I have forgotten that breastfeeding should be a journey rather than a race to achieve a certain record and I have become borderline obsessed with making more milk that I forgot how important it is for me to not leave him hungry if I wanted him to grow well and learn well.

This is a tough phase in my motherhood, and it didn’t turn out as well as I thought it would. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, but it will pass. Now I’m just going to make sure my son grows up to be a good boy. And I'll do everything in my power to achieve that. Allah murahkanlah rezekinya. Amin.

//written at when Luqman was 102 days young. took me a while to post this. as sad and traumatised as I am, I am okay with it now. breastaurant open 24/7 at night. and breastmilk still in making during the day. it will be fine, insyaAllah.

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the B issue.

"... Kerana sesungguhnya sesudah kesulitan itu ada kemudahan, sesungguhnya sesudah kesulitan itu ada kemudahan, Maka apabila kamu telah selesai (dari sesuatu urusan), kerjakanlah dengan sungguh-sungguh (urusan) yang lain, dan hanya kepada Tuhanmulah hendaknya kamu berharap..." 

 - Surah Insyirah

I am dazed and disoriented. It’s my second week back at work and though things have gotten considerably better, that doesn’t stop me from feeling a little… off.

I’ve been meaning to write so many things but as with most new parents, time is indeed a luxury. My daily shift begins at 5 a.m. and ends at 1.00 a.m. And from 1.00 a.m. to 5 a.m., my Little Boss asks for milky at least twice, so yeah, by the time it’s tomorrow morning, I’m pretty much a walking zombie. Sort of.

I actually have a “B(oob) issue which I’ve been meaning to get off my chest. For a long time now, I’ve been bugging Lynn and practically anyone who would listen to my issues and so far, I’ve gotten this far without breaking down.

As many of those who are breastfeeding know, the decision to breastfeed is a huge thing to commit to. HUGE. It’s not just a matter of “selak dan suap” as many think it is though I’ve got to admit that that is one of the perks of breastfeeding. But of course, with perks come some downsides as well.

xxx

From the moment I knew I was pregnant, I made the decision to breastfeed. There was no 2 ways about it. I bought myself a hospital grade breastpump, attended antenatal classes and read up on breastfeeding. My breastfeeding journey began on the right foot.

Breastfed within the first hour after birth – checked.
Rooming in – checked
Breastfed every 2 hours – checked
Tried out my pump – checked
No formula to be found anywhere as “back up” – checked

When Luqman turned one month young, I began stocking. I had no particular aim and no particular schedule, but man, I was pumping and pumping and pumping. Pam, sejukkan, kumpul, simpan. Sometimes I got a bottle a day to stock, some days I managed to get 2. Which I think is a huge achievement considering how often Luqman drinks. I didn’t care how much milk I got at one session so long as I had some stock for work.

And then, when I moved back to stay on my own, my pumping slowed down because I was on my own and Luqman slept lesser, but still, I tried my best to pump and pump and pump. So, I did get a bit more milk. So, yeah, I had some stock. And I felt good because I knew I was working hard for my little one.

I started sending Luqman to the babysitter’s house quite early because I wanted to make sure everyone became accustomed to each other. I didn’t want to bother having to look for another babysitter when I got back to work. Also I wanted to practice pumping as I would as if when I got back to work and that’s when my worries became more and more serious. I wasn’t making much if I followed the schedule I made for myself.

After some calculations, it was determined that my son drinks 6 bottles of 3 oz while away from me. Easy feat for some but a totally big deal for me. Because after all that practice, I am only able to produce 3 bottles daily with 5 pumping sessions.  And that includes a session of power pumping every single night.

But I persevered.

I have managed to breastfeed my son this far along and I am not about to give up.

But it’s hard not to panic. Especially when you see no more bags of stocked up milk in your freezer.

Untuk menjayakan penyusuan susu ibu, bukan ibu sahaja yang perlu mainkan peranan. I send Luqman off to this lady who adores him with a capital A. He’s not the only one she’s taking care of but he’s well taken care of I am sure.

But sesetengah pengasuh memang tak berapa pasti cara pengendalian susu ibu. Dan sebagai seorang ibu bekerja, saya hanya boleh bertawakkal.

Saya bekalkan Luqman 6 botol sehari sebab risau dia tak cukup makan. Tapi sebenarnya, rasa saya cukup sangat jumlah tu untuk tempoh tak sampai 12 jam dia berada di rumah pengasuh. Saya tak pasti bagaimana dia handle susu tersebut di rumahnya tapi saya selalu pesan kepada dia cara-caranya dan saya nomborkan botol mengikut turutan. Frozen first, fresh last. Supaya kalau tak habis saya boleh simpan last fresh bottle sebagai stock.

Tetapi setiap hari, I am met with some kind of pembaziran. Sometimes it’s 3 oz, sometimes 2 oz. But yesterday, it was 4.5 oz. I almost cried. Yang pastinya saya tak bekalkan 4.5 oz sebotol. So maknanya bottle ke 5 and 6 dicampurkan. Yang diminum hanya separuh.

I looked at the milk lovingly and wished I could keep it for the next day. But who am I kidding. Kita semua tahu susu yang dipanaskan, kalau fresh sekalipun tak boleh disimpan jadikan stock. What a waste. All that hard work and love I put into that one bottle of liquid gold.

Tapi. Apa boleh buat? Nak cakap banyak-banyak, dia dah tolong kita jagakan anak. Memang kita yang bayar dia, tapi bila bab anak, dah tak boleh fikir customer is always right. Melainkan dia dera tu lain ceritalah. Dek kenangkan dia sayang Luqman, saya redha dengan ketentuan Allah. Redha dengan lebih kurang 5 botol susu yang dah dibazirkan dalam masa 7 hari saya dah hantar Luqman ni. That could have fed my son with my milk for at least one more day. But what can I do.

Of course, I’m not giving up on breastfeeding just yet. Though I’ve got to admit that today, I panicked looking at the non-existent stock in my freezer. Not that there’s anything wrong with formula-fed babies (heck I was half formula fed during the day at the babysitter’s too), but once you begin exclusively breastfeeding, you’d know how heart breaking it is to just think about buying a box of milk off the isle.

I feel like a failure.

Especially considering the fact that my baby is such a wonderfully happy boy who despite his appetite is just wonderful. So far, Alhamdulillah, tak pernah lagi meragam tak tentu pasal atau sakit atau nangis berpanjangan. He just loves to play and loves attention. But which kid doesn’t? He deserves nothing but the best from me and I am determined to give him the best. I’m going to try to pump out as much love as I possibly could today, hoping that at the end of the day, I wouldn’t have to face the Isle of Milk to top up whatever it is that comes out of me today.

But if it does come to that, please know that I have tried my best. My very, very, very best. And as I am writing this, I am tearing up. Just thinking about the fact that I might fail you. At the mere age of 100 days. Though not without a fight.

I’m so sorry Luqman. Mama is really sorry.

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)