July 28, 2011

the means to the end.

I’ve never written about this before. But today, I just feel like it.


The decision whether or not to have them in the first place, to me, is personal.

But rezeki?

Whether or not a couple is to be blessed with child/ren, is totally and completely a discretion which only Allah can exercise.

We’re entering our 7th month. 7 months of marriage, not pregnancy. Granted, people are curious, so they ask. And most of the time, I tell everyone to relax. It hasn’t even been a year.

Thankfully though, my immediate family, both my own and my in-laws are pretty cool about things. Let’s not get started on my aunties. They tell me to have fun for as long as I want. Just not too long.

And so, when everyone close to me is on my side, their answers to people’s queries make me happy.

Like how Mama answers when she’s asked,

“Relax, baru masuk padang, belum masuk goal.”

On her nicer days, she would simply tell people that “belum ada rezeki.”

But I’ve got to say that Babah’s response has been the most epic yet,

“Macam mana saya nak ada cucu? Anak saya kan baru kahwin 5 bulan? Bukan kena tunggu 9 bulan ke baru boleh ada cucu?”

So... technical. But yet, so true isn’t it?

I often find that I am not pressurized by people’s constant queries. In fact, there are times when I found it amusing, heartwarming even, the fact that everyone cares so much they just HAVE to ask.

But, when people ask me almost everyday until I become all paranoid to meet them? That’s when I feel smoke coming out of my ears.

Especially those times when I just got my period, when I had hoped it didn’t come.


It’s often considered a taboo subject to be discussed openly. But what people don’t realise is that they broach the subject in exactly the opposite manner, when they ask a married couple once too often of when they are having a baby.

To many people, their queries are genuine, in good faith. But what they don’t realise is the effect of their questions –

1. The couple wonders what they’ve been doing wrong;
2. They wonder if they are fertile, to begin with;
3. They wonder if it has anything to do with their jobs?;
4. The girl gets all nervous each time her period approaches and when it does come, she gets upset because she knows that her answers will be the same one to the same people who ask the same question at the same place every single day; and
5. The girl wonders why she hasn’t caught the “Pregnant Bug” which has been going around her office?.

And even for someone who normally doesn’t get affected, I am becoming more perturbed. And that to me, is a sure sign that I’ve received multiple blows to my heart. I think people should cut us some slack.

In the end, I make conclusions; that everyone is just kepochi; that they don’t have anything better to start conversations with; that maybe, it’s time for them to start reading some books.

No matter what, I’ve been told the questions don’t end. In the end, you can’t please everyone. And it’s not your duty to.

If you can’t wait to see my beautiful child/ren, you have absolutely no idea how much I want to see my own.

I’ve got their names tattooed across my heart.

Just be reminded that,

“Marriage is not solely about sex. Sex is not solely about babies. Babies are not the only things that make a marriage. All 3 are not solely means to an end. And all are meant to be enjoyed.”

So, go figure.

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)


Melissa said...

Dear Haneesa, I completely understand where you're coming from. I had to deal with the same people coming up to me, rubbing my belly while asking the same question everyday when I wasn't pregnant (I got pregnant after almost a year of marriage, Alhamdulillah). There were even some people offering advice on how to 'do it correctly'.
As much as I tried to stay positive, like you said, over time it just gets to you.

It's good that you have a good support system. Chin up, dear. Allah knows what's best for us. InshaAllah, your turn will come. :)

Haneesa said...

dear melissa, thank you for your kind words :)

dinashuz said...

Dearest Haneesa, i completely can relate to how u feel. lemme juz say that our society (the Malay society to be exact), they just dont know how to be subtle when it comes to sensitive matters like this.. I mean, u dun wanna hear d same "eh, ko ni bila lagi nak mengandung, jgn tunggu lama2, umur makin meningkat, nanti makin x subur" or "ko dah berisi belum, makcik tgk badan ko makin tembam ni ha.. dah brp bulan?" u know... stuff like dat... it hurts... as for me, before i got pregnant, i had to deal with 2 miscarriages, n ppl weren't dat sensitive either... once i got this from a makcik kepoh "ko ni agaknya x kuat rahim tu. baik p check doctor" sheesh, felt like slapping her face hehe... but at d end of d day, these kepoh people are juz hard to please... dun b surprised when u eventually have a bun in d oven they'll come to u n say.."eh, lambat jugak ko mengandung eh" instead of saying "tahniah, or alhamdulillah.." sabarlah dear, when d time comes, when both u n hubby r ready, n when Allah izinkan, it'll happen =) kan? take care!!! enjoy being married!! yeah!!! =)

lynn said...

kakak, i feel you ! hang in there ok, u're right, u cant please everyone. But u can please urself so lets do it already :)

Moose said...

this post is exactly what i feel about. to me, the question about having kid(s) is very personal to even to ask about in the first place.

some people choose to plan their pregnancy due to personal reasons and wanted to do it secretly & don't want to make a big fuss over it.

while some are trying but still haven't got their luck, or the way we put it, belum ada rezeki.

i myself find it's uncomfortable when the baby question being asked around me, despite of how genuine or not their attention is. but like you said, we can't never please everybody.

threeORANGES.. said...

salam my dear nisa, i TOTALLY understand. even now after having one, im being pestered about another one. damn.. these people really dont know how to leave people alone. and believe me, they never will.
my advise=chill. its rezeki tuhan. he will bestow it upon you when he knows that your ready. and he is after all lebih mengetahui. so in the meantime, keep trying! start saving! and makan acid folic for a strong placenta! yay!!

i pray for the best!! and dont forget to have fun at it :P

Haneesa said...

dear all, i somehow knew that i was not the only one facing this and it's good to know that i'm not the only one disturbed.

weird, isn't it? seeing that i'm normally not affected, or rather i don't let myself get affected, but i am feeling all this?

thank you for your thoughts on the same matter.

i sure will do as i please because we can't go around pleasing others too much at our own expense now, can we?

and to everyone, take care :)

tasha said...

i really really REALLY like this entry. everything u wrote struck a chord. so yes, i do understand how you feel. hang in there. just ignore them. deal with the fact that they are just concerned people :) insyaAllah, have faith in Allah. take care!

Haneesa said...

tasha: :)