October 22, 2017

having something to look forward to

Talking about our problems is our greatest addiction. Break that habit. Start talking about our joy.
 - Rita Schiano.

Feels like it's been a while since I had something other than the usual "all in a days work" to look forward to. So agreeing to attend a dinner on Friday night was something truly out of the ordinary for me. 

It was an event I both looked forward to and didn't at the same time. Mostly I looked forward to it because of the change in routine that it offered, but dreaded it the same because socialising over a 500-pax dinner is really just not my thing. 

But, it surprisingly turned out to be alot more fun than I thought it would be! 

To avoid any sort of drama, I decided that it was best to get ready in the office after my meeting rather than at home. So, my colleagues and I had so much fun trying out our clothes and comparing whether this tudung or that tudung would match better. And thank god for them, I managed to borrow a dinner bag at the 11th hour. Haha. Talk about being unprepared for anything! And thanks to them, I also found the courage to apply some bright red lipstick to match the theme! Haha. 


Then during the dinner itself, I had so much good company! Initially I was placed at another table but it was empty upon arrival. I wasn't even ready to go to the dinner... so I definitely wasn't about to sit there alone... so... ermm, I kind of crashed at my friend's table when they told me that there were 4 empty seats. Best. Decision. Everrr. HAHAHAH. 

The rest of the night in good company was spent enjoying good food, and aiming for the lucky draw prizes (one of it a flat screen TV, can you believe it!). Wasn't so lucky this time... and I was genuinely upset when my number wasn't called especially for the flat screen TV hahahha. 

But all in all, it was still a fun night to remember. 

It gave me a reminder that it was good having something to look forward to (although I initially had my own reservations) and that I sometimes need that kind of break. Sure my kids missed me -- Ayesha wasn't even sure how to feel when she saw me arriving at home so she gave me like a nervous cry laugh medley which was both cute and heartbreaking and Luqman obviously couldn't sleep until after I arrived home, which was like about past 11 p.m., which is wayyy past our bedtime but they were okay. Just okay. 

So, yeah. I will continue to agree to things which give me something to look forward to. 

After all, a happy mommy is a better one, don't you think ;)

October 20, 2017

save your sermons, keep them to yourself.

"It's a stage where you are on a constant quest for balance, and can never find it."
- Quoted

I'm sure most of you have read the post some random Mom wrote on Facebook, which tugged at the heartstrings of so many other random mommies worldwide, which is where I quoted the above from. 

What she wrote was, on all levels, true -- the truth and nothing but the truth. 

So, imagine having to deal with "the truth" mostly alone. 

I hate claiming that I am doing it "alone" because I am not a single mother. I am not the only parent. And I am definitely not the only one in this. I know it. He knows it. He knows that I know it. 

But there are times when I can't help feeling like I am in this alone... 

It is not due to any fault of my own -- or anyone else's for the matter. And there really isn't anyone to blame for the way I feel about things... but I can't help but wish that there was someone or something I can point my finger to so that I can finally rest my weary head and say that I'm okay -- that I'm not the problem.

Is it weird that I always feel like I'm constantly being judged for my parenting; my decisions; my way of doing things?

Is it weird that I feel annoyed when someone tries to impose on me their "ideals" without them knowing or acknowledging what my reality is like, which makes their ideals sound mostly like a dream in my world? 

I've lost count of the many times I've forgiven others for their "sermons" on how I should deal with my shortcomings because I know that they don't know what the reality is like -- what my reality is like. I forgave them because I know that they don't know that I have felt like running away from home more times than I care to remember as an adult than I ever felt like when I was a kid.

I've also lost count the many times I try to brush off those who tell me that I should have thought about the "consequences" of getting married and starting a family and that I should just deal with it now because I asked for it.

What they don't know is that people hurt and heal differently and for many different reasons unbeknownst to each of us -- sometimes even to the person hurting and healing.

What they don't know is that I love my children with all of my soul -- they are my world -- I cannot imagine what my life would be like without them -- I can't even sleep without them. I will never let them leave my sight. THAT is how much I love my children.  

And I also know that my husband is away by choice... but only for the best interest of this little family we built together. We made the decision together, consciously and under no pressure or pretext whatsoever. We were very well aware that I would be "alone"... that he would be even more alone and that this whole arrangement would be hard. SO, so HARD.

And in preparation of all the obstacles we could foresee, we prepared ourselves, both physically and mentally.

But that still doesn't stop us from feeling the way we feel about things right now because how could you foresee how something so life changing like this would affect and inflict onto you? Is it physical? Is it mental? Or emotional? How do you even describe it in so many words?

Yes. I'm going out on a limb today just to come clean. Mostly with myself. This is one of the first few steps I'm taking towards healing my hurting soul.

So, the next time I come forward to anyone at all about the way things are going on in my life, do me a favour. Just listen. I know what the ideal life should be like -- I'd very much like to have that life. So, just listen, and save your sermons. Keep them to yourself. 

October 19, 2017

where do broken hearts go? can they find their way home?

I have been getting comments on how off-ish I seem of late and as much as I don't give much of a hoot about what people think of me, I am becoming more and more annoyed with such comments because it came from not one person, but many

So, I took a step back ... and reflected. 

And after much consideration, I figured that I need some healing. Some serious healing. 

And since I'm dealing with this kind of pain, I knew that the healing needed to be spiritual in nature. 

AND... after "1 session", my healing kick-started with tears. So many tears! It was both confusing and relieving at the same time but I knew that it was Allah's answer to the burden and pain I'm carrying --  I needed to let go. I needed to open up about things. I needed to be true to myself. I needed to admit that negativity never suited me. Plus, upon reflection, I can't remember the last time I really, really cried. So, that cry was good. Really good.

So, where do broken hearts go? Can they find their way home?

All I can say is that there was always a way home. I was just too scared to find it in all the darkness I created within me. Now that I can see a glimpse of that light, I know that at some point, I'll be fixed -- healed.

And I'll be shining as bright as a diamond again. 


October 16, 2017

can't hardly wait


It's only mid-October and I'm already getting impatient for 2018 to come. 

2017 has so far been a pretty bleurgh year for me. Perhaps it's because it's part of the first 2 years of "new motherhood" for me what with having a new baby and breastfeeding and the whole works or maybe it's the pile of new responsibilities that I've had to deal with at work that has made this year the way that it is.

Don't get me wrong, there have been some super highlights in 2017 both professionally and personally, but it still doesn't stop me from wanting 2018 to come quick. Is it weird that I feel that way about things?

Speaking of 2018... have you already thought about what you'd like to do or be in 2018? 

I can't remember the last time I made some real resolutions about anything at all since I now basically let every single day work itself out. And probably that has been one of the causes of why my life is the way it is because in a way... I'm just attracting "nothingness" in my everyday, don't you think?

"If you fail to plan, you plan to fail"... isn't that what people always say?

And I'm scared I'm not planning my life properly so I'm seriously hoping to change that. 

And in so doing, I really need to know how to revive a "dead heart"...

Have you ever felt as numbed and jaded as I am feeling like right now?

I seem to avoid every motivational quote I come across these days because I feel like it is impossible for someone to feel so positive about everything all the time... and trust me this coming from me is scaring myself because wasn't I the one who did the #100happydayschallenge and felt so strongly about how it totally changed my 2014?

So, I'm thinking... since I so voluntarily got myself sucked into this invinsible "black hole", I must make a conscious effort to get myself back out of it because this is not how I want things to be going forward. SURELY... there must be a silver lining to everything... right?

I'm sure I'm just the one who's just too blurred to see it at this point. And in any case, I can't wait for 2018 to come.

September 21, 2017

my son turned 5, and I cried.

Went through my draft list and found a post written on April 3rd, 2017. And decided to post this anyway, for memory's sake.

Somehow, my son turning 5 turned into an emotional event for me. 

I guess the whole year leading to his 5th birthday was such a roller coaster ride, that seeing how much he's grown in a year somehow overwhelmed me. 

And I thought... if I'm this overwhelmed, imagine how overwhelmed he is.

Since the birth of Ayesha, I think I have become so much harder on him.

I imposed on him the Big Brother Role because I believed that he was ready to take it on. And I do actually believe that he is ready. But then, despite being so mentally prepared to be a Mom of Two (or so I thought), due to my lack of readiness in dealing with 2 children with such vastly different needs, I did not have the patience to let the role sink in.

I just demanded that he get along with the programme, just like I did.

In turn, it made him stronger, tougher. Not sure about being more responsible voluntarily, but he took on the simple roles I made him do to make him understand that I would no longer do them for him anymore because I had more than just him to care for -- and that Ayesha is part of that little world which used to belong to only us.

And (with much resentment) he understood... he really did. And with that came the change which I so demanded out of him... (I'm not too sure I like them all...)

And there is not a day where I don't wonder if I've damaged him by being so hard, so tough, so demanding.

There are days when I would stare out into space with a blank look on my face and tears would form out of the "no thoughts" in my head.

Some days it got so bad, that once my friend had to convince me that I was doing fine... and that if I wasn't , my children would not be thriving as well as they did... that I am enough.

Haih...

Right this moment, I am able to command some kind of "fear" just by raising my eyebrows at him over something he did or said... Right this moment, I'm okay with that although some mothers will agree to disagree with me and my methods.

But my baby a year ago... is no longer "that baby".  And I'm pretty sure that in another year... he'll be another version of himself.

And I honestly don't know how to feel about that.