October 19, 2016

2 months (and 2 teeth) later.

Looks like this is what my "blogger" life has been reduced to; a 2-month once update.

Ashamed to call myself a "blogger" anymore because (1) not sure how relevant blogs are in the world of growing social media; and (2) I've jumped on the "bandwagon" of no updates for want of time (mostly).

Yet, at the same time... having kept this blog for so long, doing away with it doesn't seem like an option at all. 

My baby girl is now 6 months and 1 week young. She's currently down with fever, cutting 2 teeth at once. Can't flip onto her tummy by herself yet... but when you give her tummy time, she's pretty mobile. So, I really have to watch her because man is that girl fast! No solids yet because she can't sit upright on her own... but to be completely honest, I actually feel a little bit sayang to give her solids after all that hard work making sure she's 100% (b)oo(b)fed up to this point.

Other than that...

6 months after, we're still trying our best to understand each other.

I've relented to the fact that I can never be the same mother I was to Luqman when raising Atiya. And though I'm 6 months late in coming to that realisation, I do admit that admitting that fact has caused much liberation (to my surprise). Not sure who's standards I was trying to live up to previously, but now that I'm over being hard on myself, I should probably start to enjoy my girl before it's too late.

Other than that...

Life has been quite uneventful, I must say -- and the irony is that it has left me with very little (leisure) time in hand. I sometimes forget the person I was before I became a mom of two and my passion for the things I used to love -- and life generally... has just been reduced to well, going through day after day after day after day.

I know I sound a little ungrateful, unhappy even (which honestly is not the case at all)... but I can't help but sound that way while I'm going through this toughest phase (i.e. the First 18 Months) alone. 

And while I hope that this phase will pass, I do also hope that Atiya won't grow up too fast, leaving all her baby fat behind as a mere memory. In fact, like I've mentioned so many times before, I'd like for me to  be able to baby her a little while longer and for a chance for us to be able to understand each other a little bit better. 

So, that should be all you need to know as an update at 2 months (and 2 teeth) later.

I hope I will once again find the light in my soul -- and that that light would one day show in these writings that I very much like to share. 

August 12, 2016

4 months after.

Atiya Ayesha, my darling baby girl.

You may be my second born, but honestly, there are times when you make me feel like a first time mother all over again.

Sometimes, I just can’t figure you out and most times, I just let you be you. After all, apart from the first few queasy weeks in my womb, you generally were a very chill little passenger – even ran 12km with me, remember?

So, I let you have your moments – and I constantly remind myself that all babies are different and that each child is a different experience. Only thing is that I sometimes act the way I do (which is so different from how I was with your brother) because mostly I am doing all of this alone (though technically, we all know that that’s no one’s fault). I’m not proud of myself for losing my cool sometimes and I’m really sorry for being so… different with you, but I’m trying, girl. I really am.

Because just like you, I too, am new– new at this “job” as a Mom of Two. We’ve both got so much of learning to do.

Be that as it may, let’s just say that we’ve been able to manage all of our incoming hurdles so far. We both may not have done it very gracefully what with the tears and screams and drama and all (we sure look eww-ish with our puffy-runny-nose after-tears face) and due to some major changes going on in my life, I’ve had to make some very expensive investments too (bertuah punya anak!) but all in all, everything has been okay.

Honestly, although I know that things will get easier once you’re a little older and I’m so not cool with me constantly losing my cool, especially since you now understand my tone of voice even if you don’t totally understand what I’m saying… I’m not desperate for you to grow up so fast.

I want to baby you a little while longer. I want you to stay my cute little Dobot for as long as you feel like it because I know that once you start to “jumpa kaki” you’re going to lose all that yummy baby fat and you’re going to start wriggling your way out of my arms. I want you to want and need me like I’m the only person who can make you feel comfortable and give you whatever it is that you need (which in our case for the moment is YOUKNOWWHATLAH) and I honestly already miss our moments during my Maternity Leave where we spent all day, every single day together just the 2 of us.

So yeah, I basically don’t want to hurry this experience and you can take your time… though I do hope that you’d keep the screaming to a minimum lah girl, because apart from losing my hair, I sometimes feel like I’m losing my hearing too =.=” but like I said before, all in all, we’ve been pretty much okay.

4 months after – we’re coping, we’re surviving, we’re learning and we’re still standing. And okay is okay enough for me. You’re that “glass ball” I hope I’ll never break.

Thank you for coming into my life, baby girl. Feels wonderful to have a life-sized “doll” of my own.

*I still owe you your birth story, hihi.

August 09, 2016

buat baik tak payah berpada.

Lately… I’ve been thinking really hard about Him and all of His Grand Plans.

Sometimes, I get it, but sometimes I just don’t and although I generally wonder why things happen the way they do, these days, I’ve just learned to keep calm and soldier on. No matter which way whatever goes, there is always a hikmah – I just need to be patient to find it.

Lately, many things have happened to myself and also the people around me. And these things have gotten me thinking about how important it is to be an all round good person – jaga kata, jaga pandangan and most importantly, jaga hati.

Apa pun yang jadi, jaga hati – jangan ada rasa benci, jangan sengaja menyakiti, jangan ada rasa dengki.

Because no matter how clich├ęd the saying “Life is a circle” is… it really is the truth. You just don’t know at which point in your life you’ll be at the bottom so best be prepared to be trampled on. But better still, best be prepared with the comfort of knowing that no matter what happens, there will be people who will have your back.

Kalau kita jahat/dengki dengan orang lain, kan dah susah? Because people will always remember how you make them feel and if 90% of the time you make people feel bad, there’s a high likelihood that people won’t feel bad about making you feel bad.

It’s a vicious cycle, I know. And it probably isn’t the way things should be… but it is.

So, better be safe than sorry – buat baik tak payahlah berpada-pada.

Tapi kalau orang baik, jangan lah pijak kepala pula.

July 13, 2016

mencari sebuah jawaban.

I just sent out my response to HR with regards to my upcoming transfer. And I've been asking around for some empty boxes for me to put my 3 years worth of stuff in. I haven't even acclimatised to being back in this office and now, I've got to prep myself for the new place, which isn't really that new come to think of it... but I have been away for 3 years, so I don't really know what to expect anymore.

I really don't know where I should begin. 

All I know is that this is the answer. 

You see, we've been spending some time looking for answers -- for everything. 

Life has thrown us a curveball we're not entirely sure how to deal with... and it's been super overwhelming to say the least. I no longer feel bad about crying openly about it and I no longer feel sorry for not having things figured out. My only regret is that I sometimes lose my temper and my firstborn has to bear the brunt of it, which gets me really upset every single time. 

Thing is, can anybody help it -- can anyone really abstain from losing their temper when there's just so much to do and seemingly so little time to do them. And what is up with children and their doing everything in tandem? Berak in tandem, cry in tandem, asking for food in tandem. They're like a tag team despite their age gap and I find my patience thinning every single day. 

I've got to admit that I sometimes feel really inferior to mothers in the same boat as myself who seem unfazed by their circumstances -- and doing everything that I'm currently doing and more. Sometimes I catch myself wondering if they have a velcro baby like mine... or if they've deafened their ears to their baby's cries or if their babies don't cry to be picked up at all. And I sometimes wonder when on earth do these mothers pump milk and when do they ever sleep?

 Don't we all have the same 24 hours in a day...?

I'm so full of questions -- and I was so ready for answers when the Transfer Order came.

And even then, I was plagued by fear of my uncertain future.

Until I backtracked this whole year and realised how things have fallen into place just the way it should be even though there were days when I thought things turned out differently than they should have.

And that's when I realised -- that all I need to do is my best -- and leave Allah to do the rest.

Indeed He is the Best Planner -- so who am I to question his Grand Plans? 

Inilah dia jawapan yang dicari -- for now at least.

As a take home message for anyone who actually finished reading this --
"Always believe that someone will one day recognise your worth; if it isn't a person -- it would be The One who is bigger than a person." (says my Mom, may Allah bless her soul)

Now... let's get packing!

July 11, 2016

90 days after.

Yesterday, my 90-day Maternity Leave ended... hence here I am today in the office, with only 3 other people. So it does sort of feel like I'm still on leave... only in work clothes?


Feels so weird to be back.

Probably because I know that I'm only here to pack my things before I go off again (yes yes, I'm leaving this place but more on that later).

Life has been... roller-coaster-ish since I gave birth to my baby girl. There have been crazy highs and crazy lows and every day, I can't remember what happened yesterday.

Not sure if that's a bane or a boon but my policy right now is to take it a day at a time -- and to be thankful for whatever that gets me through the day.

Because honestly, I can't keep up.

I forgot how unpredictable life can be with a baby after having left that world for so long.

I also forgot how different each child can be -- even if I bore them both in my womb.

Baru tadi at around 10 a.m., Atiya Ayesha's school called me informing me that she refused her teat -- on the day I defrosted a good 18 oz of milk *sigh*. So, after the second SOS, I drove to her Taska, just to check on her. She was already asleep -- they said, probably out of hunger.

Thing is... I know my daughter. She would never sleep hungry! And... she would never let me go without asking for you-know-what if she was really hungry! Hahaha. Cuma,  when I sent her during the trial run before Raya, she would consume a minimum of 24 oz of milk from 8 a.m. until 4 p.m., hence why her teachers panicked when she refused her milk.

Turns out, she was just really sleepy and settled down soon after we swaddled her. She wasn't even bothered when she heard my voice calling her name. So, I left, hoping that she would be okay.

Never had this kind of problem with her brother so this kind of experience kind of puts me back into the shoes of a first time mom. Haha.

Well, anyways. I need to pump. This entry is obviously all over the place. Pretty much like how my brain feels.

Hoping that tomorrow would be a better day ;)