February 08, 2017

Superwomanry.

image googled.
So the other day, I took Atiya Ayesha for her 9-month check-up and jab. And I met this nice petite lady at the nursing room where we instantly started telling each other of our... "predicament".

I'm guessing that she had just had the longest weekend and the rain that morning certainly didn't help her with ferrying her own circus clan out of the house to their respective schools and like me, she had to rush to get her baby for their appointment too. 

Hence, discovering someone else also living with the same plight certainly felt like finding sanctuary. At least that's how it felt to me. 

She asked me what my plans are going forward and I told her that I have, for a long time now, given up on Superwomanry. 

Because as you all already know, I certainly didn't ace the first few months as a Mom of Two. Heck I'm still grasping at straws even though it's been almost a year since, which is the very reason why I have decided to hang my "Superwoman" cape for good.

I always tell people that it's okay to ask for help; that a mother is of no use to anyone if she is sick, or unhappy, or overly tired -- Because sure, becoming a mother does come with its own set of sacrifices and challenges -- that's granted.

But when in the moment, the heart needs some intensive convincing that we've gained more than that which we have lost. And that's where most of us are fighting a lost cause. Because we're told to suck it up and to get used to it and that we are not grateful when we whine or pull a long face when the going gets tough. 

I wasn't too sure where I was going with this post when I began. But I guess I just wanted to let some things off my chest. And I wanted everyone to know that I'm still here, and that I personally feel like it's okay for me to lose my sh*t sometimes.

Especially right this moment when I can no longer remember what it feels like to be me...

December 23, 2016

my 2016, abbreviated.

Abbreviated in probably 2 words;

PJJ; and

WFHM.

Oh, and maybe 2015 in memory too.

It's been such a long time since the last time, in fact, it's been way too long.

I miss this space. I really do.

And to be honest, I kind of miss me too.

November 01, 2016

getting this off my chest -- so I can move on.

Tengok balik list, banyak betul draft these couple of months. BANYAK.

Tapi semua tak post, sudahnya jadi basi, lepas tu, terbuku dalam hati.

Padahal, ada hari, hati meronta nak ceritakan semuanya pada semuanya.

Hari ni, ada sikit masa senggang, rasa nak post balik drafts yang agak relevant walaupun dah basi... just so kita ada reference di kemudian hari, tapi entah -- rasanya selagi satu isi hati ni tak dilepaskan, selagi tu tak boleh move on.

So, here goes.

Nagging is not my second nature. Itu satu. Keduanya, I don't really know how to be angry. Sometimes, marah pun sambil senyum. Lepas tu, kalau marah betul, confirm menangis sendiri out of utter regret. Confirm. Pelik, tapi benar. Itulah dia true story.

Each time I get angry (really angry), I will eventually cry. And I'll feel bad and super tired about it for days on end.

Walaupun begitu, bila dah marah dengan orang/benda for something, it literally takes FOREVER for me to forget. Bukan berdendam, tapi tak boleh lupa. Kalau nak tahu, sebenarnya PENAT bila tak boleh lupa ni... agaknya itu lah sebab saya sentiasa kurus -- benda orang dah tak ingat, kita tak lupa-lupa juga. Tapi terima saja lah, dah Allah jadikan kita begitu... ada lah sebabnya tu. Everyone has their own set of challenges, bukan?

Itu cakap pasal marah dengan orang... kalau marah dengan anak-anak? Pergh. Dia punya sesalan tak boleh nak explain. I used to live with no regrets, tapi lepas dapat anak dua ni ... kumpul regrets yang rasa hari-hari dari anak bangun sampai anak tidur -- boleh gila dibuatnya.

Sebelum ada yang salah faham, let me explain. Bukan regret sebab beranak. Engko gila ke apa. Regret tu terbit daripada marah yang sengaja walaupun tak sengaja, ignorance yang sengaja disebabkan tak sengaja, upset secara sengaja dalam tak sengaja. Ayat tu sendiri dah pening, kan? Boleh imagine tak betapa dalam hati ni pening dia macam mana? Nak explain with words secara waras pun tak boleh, apatah lagi nak show you the shape of my heart. Ewah merapu dah. 

Pokoknya, every time I leave my kids at school, on the way to work mesti nangis. Not that their school is not good; I pay to send them to wonderful schools with wonderful teachers and they are superb at their jobs. Tapi nangis sebab malam sebelumnya mesti dah terjerit, termarah, ter-buat-buat tidur bila anak tanya soalan, terabaikan bila rasa pampers anak penuh. 

Paling best, ter-annoyed masa Atiya Ayesha first said "Mama". Boleh?

"Mama" was her first word and I was annoyed.

Punyalah nak anak sayang kita kali ni (Luqman masa kecik cakap "Daddy" dulu). But since she said "Mama" because wanted my attention and all I was thinking about then was getting the laundry done, I was annoyed. 

Last-last Luqman yang lagi excited. Lepas tu, I got annoyed at Luqman for being excited pulak.

It has been, for lack of better word, such a psychotic 6 months for me.

So much so that I wondered -- macam mana masa dengan Luqman dulu, I could survive the 6 months without my husband alone. Masa tu lagi lah, dengan duit tak ada, susu badan tak cukup, duduk dekat tingkat 8. I didn't eat dinner or bathe either. Solat pun macam pencuri. Tapi masa tu, survive dan seolah tak kisah dengan penat. 

Tapi sekarang macam annoyed. Dah kenapa? 

Jawapannya, sebab circumstances kali ni berbeza. Kali ni, I don't only have me to take care of, I have another human being (Luqman) depending on me too. There was once when I was afraid to ask him if he was hungry because I was sure that he was... tapi Atiya memerap -- tak boleh letak, tak boleh tinggal, tak boleh gerak. All she wanted to do was nurse. Nasib baik husband balik malam tu, so kita kasi Luqman makan at 11 p.m. sambil dia tersengguk-sengguk mengantuk. 

Ada sekali tu, bila kita dah penat, kita try crying it out method -- masa nak mandikan Luqman and masa dia mintak wash poopoo, and it worked -- she cried until she became quiet on her own. But after that, I vowed that it would be the first and only time I would ever do it. I never want to leave my child crying like that ever again. EVER. And I never did it again. Kalau sorang mandi, semua masuk toilet, sorang berak, semorang cuci. 

Tapi tak boleh buat apa, sebab kita semua mesti survive. Paling penting anak-anak mesti survive. Abang must survive -- must be clean, must be healthy, safe, happy. And Adik must have enough milk, enough clean diapers, walaupun mungkin sedikit lacking in affection as compared to when Abang was growing up. Tapi tak apa, we'll make up for lost time, I convinced myself. 

But eventually, pinggang sakit, lutut sakit, kaki sakit, hati sakit.

Sakit sangat sampaikan anak cakap "Mama" pun annoyed. Sakit sangat sampai pergi kerja setiap hari tak pernah tak nangis. Sakit sampaikan 530 petang sampai anak-anak tidur, I would be holding my breath out of nervousness -- takut something goes wrong -- anak demam ke, jatuh ke, perlukan hospital ke. Psychotic kan?

And that's when I realised. sebenarnya for my children to survive, yang paling penting ialah for their Mama (read: me) to survive. My survival was paramount to theirs. 

I forgot that dalam banyak-banyak orang tu, I was the one who cannot fall or fall sick or go to the hospital and most importantly I cannot go crazy. Only problem is, I was on the brink of insanity. 

I realised that that could not go on if I wanted to survive. And I needed help. Big time. 

And just when I needed help the most, help came. And I shall forever be grateful to Allah, for granting me what I need, when I need it the most. 

It's been a week since help arrived. And I haven't made a big deal out of it yet because I don't want to jinx it. 

All I know is that if help is here to stay, we're going to have better days ahead, in sha Allah.


October 19, 2016

2 months (and 2 teeth) later.


Looks like this is what my "blogger" life has been reduced to; a 2-month once update.

Ashamed to call myself a "blogger" anymore because (1) not sure how relevant blogs are in the world of growing social media; and (2) I've jumped on the "bandwagon" of no updates for want of time (mostly).

Yet, at the same time... having kept this blog for so long, doing away with it doesn't seem like an option at all. 

My baby girl is now 6 months and 1 week young. She's currently down with fever, cutting 2 teeth at once. Can't flip onto her tummy by herself yet... but when you give her tummy time, she's pretty mobile. So, I really have to watch her because man is that girl fast! No solids yet because she can't sit upright on her own... but to be completely honest, I actually feel a little bit sayang to give her solids after all that hard work making sure she's 100% (b)oo(b)fed up to this point.

Other than that...

6 months after, we're still trying our best to understand each other.

I've relented to the fact that I can never be the same mother I was to Luqman when raising Atiya. And though I'm 6 months late in coming to that realisation, I do admit that admitting that fact has caused much liberation (to my surprise). Not sure who's standards I was trying to live up to previously, but now that I'm over being hard on myself, I should probably start to enjoy my girl before it's too late.

Other than that...

Life has been quite uneventful, I must say -- and the irony is that it has left me with very little (leisure) time in hand. I sometimes forget the person I was before I became a mom of two and my passion for the things I used to love -- and life generally... has just been reduced to well, going through day after day after day after day.

I know I sound a little ungrateful, unhappy even (which honestly is not the case at all)... but I can't help but sound that way while I'm going through this toughest phase (i.e. the First 18 Months) alone. 

And while I hope that this phase will pass, I do also hope that Atiya won't grow up too fast, leaving all her baby fat behind as a mere memory. In fact, like I've mentioned so many times before, I'd like for me to  be able to baby her a little while longer and for a chance for us to be able to understand each other a little bit better. 

So, that should be all you need to know as an update at 2 months (and 2 teeth) later.

I hope I will once again find the light in my soul -- and that that light would one day show in these writings that I very much like to share. 

August 12, 2016

4 months after.


Atiya Ayesha, my darling baby girl.

You may be my second born, but honestly, there are times when you make me feel like a first time mother all over again.

Sometimes, I just can’t figure you out and most times, I just let you be you. After all, apart from the first few queasy weeks in my womb, you generally were a very chill little passenger – even ran 12km with me, remember?

So, I let you have your moments – and I constantly remind myself that all babies are different and that each child is a different experience. Only thing is that I sometimes act the way I do (which is so different from how I was with your brother) because mostly I am doing all of this alone (though technically, we all know that that’s no one’s fault). I’m not proud of myself for losing my cool sometimes and I’m really sorry for being so… different with you, but I’m trying, girl. I really am.

Because just like you, I too, am new– new at this “job” as a Mom of Two. We’ve both got so much of learning to do.

Be that as it may, let’s just say that we’ve been able to manage all of our incoming hurdles so far. We both may not have done it very gracefully what with the tears and screams and drama and all (we sure look eww-ish with our puffy-runny-nose after-tears face) and due to some major changes going on in my life, I’ve had to make some very expensive investments too (bertuah punya anak!) but all in all, everything has been okay.

Honestly, although I know that things will get easier once you’re a little older and I’m so not cool with me constantly losing my cool, especially since you now understand my tone of voice even if you don’t totally understand what I’m saying… I’m not desperate for you to grow up so fast.

I want to baby you a little while longer. I want you to stay my cute little Dobot for as long as you feel like it because I know that once you start to “jumpa kaki” you’re going to lose all that yummy baby fat and you’re going to start wriggling your way out of my arms. I want you to want and need me like I’m the only person who can make you feel comfortable and give you whatever it is that you need (which in our case for the moment is YOUKNOWWHATLAH) and I honestly already miss our moments during my Maternity Leave where we spent all day, every single day together just the 2 of us.

So yeah, I basically don’t want to hurry this experience and you can take your time… though I do hope that you’d keep the screaming to a minimum lah girl, because apart from losing my hair, I sometimes feel like I’m losing my hearing too =.=” but like I said before, all in all, we’ve been pretty much okay.

4 months after – we’re coping, we’re surviving, we’re learning and we’re still standing. And okay is okay enough for me. You’re that “glass ball” I hope I’ll never break.

Thank you for coming into my life, baby girl. Feels wonderful to have a life-sized “doll” of my own.

*I still owe you your birth story, hihi.