April 15, 2017

The Four Promises.

These past 2 weeks have been an amazing time for my little family. 

Despite the amount of convincing I had to do at the office, I managed to get my long leave approved... just because I needed to take a break. Not sure what kind of music I'll be facing when I get back to the mothership on Monday... but I know that it'll be worth it.

And to make use of this long break, we held a little Birthday Lunch for our kids with family and close friends, we went on a little holiday by the beach, we huddled to sleep together on the daily, played house and let the kids have extended bedtimes, just for the fun of it.

During this break, I've also been able to have some real conversations with my husband about all the things that matter; life, future, properties and religion. 

And on the topic of religion, we talked about what it felt like to feel so "removed" from Allah. 

Because truth to be told, of late, I have felt that way one too many times. And I don't know why.

Well, even if I did know why, there's actually very little that I can do to change it -- and therein lies the problem.

Because you see, as a mother, you are required to give 200% of yourself to motherhood -- even when you don't want to. So, being a "single parent" means that you've got to give double the attention and TLC to your kids, which means that you'd have very little of anything left to yourself... including time with your God. 

I know that children shouldn't be the reason but anyone who's been in my reality would know that I don't at all intend to use my children as a reason and honestly, I really miss time with my God. 

Having some time off from work gave me time to think about how to improve my relationship with God. Because like I said before, I miss my time alone with Him. So, I figured, even if I could no longer spend hours in prostration to Him, maybe I could just open up to Him right before I sleep and pray -- as in pray hard and submit to Him wholly (tawakkal) with hopes that whatever deeds I have done for the day would be enough.

And so, my journey of total submissiveness began. While putting my kids to sleep, I prayed,

"Ya Allah, please help me Ya Allah. I don't know what else I should do."

And that is really all it took.

Total submissiveness was really all that was required for Allah to bring light on my plight. 

Therefore, I am writing this today so that (you and) I shall never forget the 4 promises - 

(1) Remember Me, and I will remember you;
(2) Ask Me, and I shall give you;
(3) If you give thanks, I will give you more; and
(4) Allah will not punish them while they seek forgiveness. 

So, whatever you do, whatever you problems, don't give up on praying. 

It really isn't too late to ask. 



April 03, 2017

be kind - none of us can make it alone in this world.


Readers of this space would probably think that I am exactly like I am here and in real life -- at least in terms of how open I am about my life.

Truth is, my whole "make up" is the complete opposite; I don't really trust that easily; I hardly open up to those who I don't know on a personal basis; and though I don't really have a resting bi*ch face, many have confessed that they don't find me that approachable.

Kind of makes this space a contradiction in itself, since I have absolutely no idea who exactly is reading these mindless rants of mine. And yet, I've been pouring my heart out in this space for years with so much comfort, so much so that some might think that they know me though they've never met me.

I actually don't enjoy being unapproachable. And although I'm not really that sociable or outgoing, I do occasionally enjoy random conversations with random people and I wonder how I can be just a little slightly more than friendly, at the very least.

Which is why at the very beginning of 2017, I have resolved to try.

And... to my surprise, my efforts are beginning to reap extremely desirable effects. People around me who never knew me personally before, who initially thought I am "Super" now know that I, just like them, am human too -- that I have off days with my kids, that I enjoy online shopping and that I crave for some downtime from work although I love to work. 

It took so much for me to open up, but it took so little for them to accept the fact that I am not invincible.

Which then lead me to resolve on another thing, which is to be kinder to women in general.

Not sure about how things are on your end, but on my end, people seem to glorify a man's efforts, while the same effort in women is shun. Simple example - a man rushes home after work because he has to pick up his children = sweet and responsible, But if a woman does the same? = unfocused and doesn't know her priorities.

See what I mean?

Worst thing is that it's the women who belittle other women. We are our own worst enemy. 

Hence my earlier new resolution.

So, I'm basically writing this today to say that I'm just a normal human being. And that I have off days. And that I'm tired of being a woman belittled by other women. And so, I will continue to congratulate women for their husband's and their own successes. Because once in a while, people need to be reminded that behind every successful man is a (physically and mentally) strong woman and that none of us can make it in this world alone. So, be kind.

With that, Happy Monday everyone.

March 17, 2017

some sense of normalcy.

The other day, I saw my neighbours arriving home from work at the same time. 

I was in the kitchen, cradling Ayesha on one hand while preparing the kids' dinner with the other.

And as I watched (or more like stalked) them, I started feeling... for lack of better word..., lonely.

My days and nights (apart from those 10 hours at work) are normally filled with all these "single-handed" activities. So though there are technically 3 people in the house, there's actually very little communication going on. Adult conversations are confined to our daily video calls. And most conversations revolve around what's showing on YouTube and who did what in school. And on the bad days, the house is like an army camp -- no one (but me) gets to say anything. But hey Mama's got to do what she needs to do (right?). 

So, I guess whatever it is that I felt yesterday evening has been a long time coming. 

People tell me that I'm lucky because I still get to see my husband at least 2 weeks once, and that I should appreciate his efforts of wanting to be with us, whenever he can.

It goes without saying that I'm the luckiest woman alive to have him as mine, and better still, to have him home to be with his kids. 

But sometimes, I think people (inadvertently) forget... that those left behind do have a set (or maybe many sets) of challenges of their own and most times, the struggle is real... so real -- 

I feel that being left behind hurts just as much as being the one leaving. I know that it shouldn't be a battle about who's hurting more because who on earth would want that kind of competition and frankly, we're both aware of each others' situation...

It's just that sometimes... I struggle  --

And I question the decisions we've made.
And doubt the love we have.
And I ponder on the daily if there is anything that I can do to make myself feel better. 

And I wonder if some day we'd be able to feel some sense on normalcy, whatever it is that may now be.


March 15, 2017

what day is it, and in what month?

Hello,
hello,
hello...

... is there any body in there?! Just nod if you can hear me...

It's been such a long time since I even had the chance to even think of escaping into this world.

No excuses whatsoever as I don't intend to justify my absence. And there really isn't any need for wild guesses as to what I've been up to because hey, I'm a Working Mom of Two with No Help, so that pretty much sums up where all my time and efforts have gone to (I think, HAHAHA).

Quite frankly, I would say that this is one of the toughest "jobs" I've ever had in my life.

I'm not too sure if I'm being too hard on myself or if it's actually normal to beat yourself up over all my little failures in motherhood, but to be honest, I really do feel like a loser on the daily. 

And honestly, it becomes exhausting over time, leaving me tired and uninspired. 

So on days like these, when I'm extra lacking in inspiration, I like to read through my old posts to reminisce the good old days.

And it gets me wondering -- were the good old days really better, or have I developed the inability to be grateful for everything good that I now have? Or could it be that my standards of what is "good" and "bad" be so horribly screwed that I can no longer differentiate one from the other?



February 08, 2017

Superwomanry.

image googled.
So the other day, I took Atiya Ayesha for her 9-month check-up and jab. And I met this nice petite lady at the nursing room where we instantly started telling each other of our... "predicament".

I'm guessing that she had just had the longest weekend and the rain that morning certainly didn't help her with ferrying her own circus clan out of the house to their respective schools and like me, she had to rush to get her baby for their appointment too. 

Hence, discovering someone else also living with the same plight certainly felt like finding sanctuary. At least that's how it felt to me. 

She asked me what my plans are going forward and I told her that I have, for a long time now, given up on Superwomanry. 

Because as you all already know, I certainly didn't ace the first few months as a Mom of Two. Heck I'm still grasping at straws even though it's been almost a year since, which is the very reason why I have decided to hang my "Superwoman" cape for good.

I always tell people that it's okay to ask for help; that a mother is of no use to anyone if she is sick, or unhappy, or overly tired -- Because sure, becoming a mother does come with its own set of sacrifices and challenges -- that's granted.

But when in the moment, the heart needs some intensive convincing that we've gained more than that which we have lost. And that's where most of us are fighting a lost cause. Because we're told to suck it up and to get used to it and that we are not grateful when we whine or pull a long face when the going gets tough. 

I wasn't too sure where I was going with this post when I began. But I guess I just wanted to let some things off my chest. And I wanted everyone to know that I'm still here, and that I personally feel like it's okay for me to lose my sh*t sometimes.

Especially right this moment when I can no longer remember what it feels like to be me...