things I need to be okay with.

On all the social media platforms in which I have an account, I see too much of everything -- too much negativity, too much positivity, too much hatred, too much love. Just way too much of everything that I don't really want to know --

-- which makes me (unnecessarily) annoyed, especially knowing that the authors of the negative, positive, hate and love posts didn't direct any of their posts towards me.

I know for a fact that it's just me, that I am the problem... that I was the one who had had enough of negativity, positivity,  hatred and love and I need to get away from it all. I was becoming the "evil eye".

Which is why I am here. This is my safe space. 

The relevance of this space may be questionable to the rest of the universe, but for me this space is bliss. I am allowed to show my true colours and upload totally un-Instagrammable content because who's looking this way anyway? Hahaha. 

Well, anyway, now that that is out of my system, I feel so much better. 

Because truth to be told, like I already mentioned earlier last year when the MCO was first implemented, this pandemic will come with its own set of losses. There is absolutely no winning against it -- because whichever way you go, something or someone is bound to lose. What's worse is that this particular cycle/strain/variant brings about with it loss of money and loss of lives. In fact, I personally know of a few people who have lost their loved ones due to the pandemic and I can only start to imagine what that might feel like. 

And while I have (Alhamdulillah) not lost anything too precious that I may never recover from, there are things which I too struggle daily with.

After all, I am only human. And there are time when I feel like way too much positivity kills. Like just because I struggle differently, I don't deserve to struggle? What kind of judgmental world do we live in, really? Yet in the same breath, I simply cannot stand too much of the negativity or self-loathe by others that I see on the daily, which is totally and completely judgmental of me.

To put it simply, I am for want of better word, conflicted. So, so conflicted. 

There are days when I feel like I'm losing my mind. 

I feel like I'm losing my centre from having to juggle working from home with the kids' online classes and having to plan daily meals on a never-ending basis because on top of living with a super clingy clan, I happen to live with a really hungry one too *insert monologue telling myself to be grateful for family, food and all things good*. 

And while in actuality, for the most part, I am undoubtedly grateful for all that I have, there are just some days when I am... off.

Do you feel me?

Do you understand that this in no way means that I am ungrateful... or that I have all this while been unempathetic towards those who have less than what I have or that I a whiny little **toot**, but it just means that I have my days?

***

And to be honest, I have had the draft above for days now, but somehow, despite feeling like this platform is the safest, I still didn't find the courage to post it -- out of fear that I may seem ungrateful despite seeming to have it all. 

Until I came across this today, and I know that it's okay. That I am okay and I need to first and foremost, be okay with the things which can be equally true.