November 30, 2007

tears and rain

The rain is pouring and it’s pouring really hard at the moment. Alhamdulillah my sister is back from my cousins’ sleepover party or else I would’ve been worried sick, my mom more so. The rain is pouring and here I am listening to Mr. Tumpul’s song, entitled Tears and Rain. Tears and rain. Tears and rain.

I’m currently going through the motions. I’m currently trying to put everything into perspective. I’m currently trying as much possible to accept change. After all, change is inevitable, isn’t it? And why do I feel so ashamed the fact that I hate departures? Is there even a necessity to feel so ashamed for tears that come so naturally? I mean, wouldn’t you cry if your man was leaving?

Whatever. I’m rambling ever so randomly. It’s just tears and rain...

I wish I could surrender my soul;

Shed the clothes that become my skin;

See a liar that burns within my needing.

How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.

How I wish I'd screamed out loud,

Instead I've found no meaning.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,

All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.

Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.

I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.

It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;

Hold memory close at hand,

Help me understand the years.

I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.

I wish I would save my soul.

I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,

All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.

Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.

I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.

Far, far away; find comfort in pain.

All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.

It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

Tears and rain

Far, Far away;find comfort in pain

All pleasures the same: it just keeps me from trouble

Its more than just words; its just tears and rain

November 29, 2007

worth it

It was my Convocation last Saturday, and my, my, what a long day it was for all of us. All the waiting, all the multimedia presentations, all the cheering, all the hunger and all restlessness was only for less than 3 seconds on the stage. But guess what? I really don’t mind because it was worth it.

Not to brag, but I am one out of the 3 who managed to get a First Class Honours for my BLS. And I am so glad that I was there with the people I love most; my family and my closest friends. I wouldn’t have made it this far without them. I almost vowed to never come home again when my mom first dropped hints that she wouldn’t be there on the 24th November. I know it’s a little bit childish of me, but still. It’s not everyday that I get to go on stage to receive that scroll. And of course I can’t promise her the same excellent results for my Honours, so yes; I really wanted her to be there. And of course I wanted the rest of my family to be there as well.

I’m proud of who I have become. I’m proud that I have finally gotten up from the long, hard fall I had to endure after I received my SPM results. I guess I really have found my tuft; something I really, really like to do. Though admittedly, reading the Law isn’t easy, but once you get the hang of it, it really all comes pretty naturally. It all really is common sense. And mostly, it’s all in the mind. I just hope that my Honours results are equally encouraging.

I don’t really have much to tell. I’m currently on holidays and basking in the luxury of sleep and rest. Pictures just for fun!

tak sabar dah ni

my life support

leganya kami

kanak-kanak pandai yang saya sayang

meet my firm mate, Natrah

November 28, 2007

not ready to make nice

Have you ever been in that spot where you felt like people came and went as and when they pleased? Have you ever felt like people trample on you just because you are you and that being you, you would respond ever so nicely despite the fact that you are upset, dissatisfied and utterly disappointed? Have you ever been in that spot before?

Because if you have been in that spot before, tell me what to do... please? I don’t think I’m the revengeful, remorseful, hating kind of person, bar one person, perhaps. Holding grudges against another never really has been my thing. I may be moody (where I have fluctuating mood swings, which are totally and completely incomprehensible) admittedly, but never to the point of being totally and completely rude or dismissive of people. And I am never ungrateful.

In a nutshell, I really am very seldom angry (unless of course to count the last 2 weeks of Honours I). So, it does seem silly somehow that I’m angered, annoyed and upset with the fact that some people act like I am a mat they can trample on as and when they please.

I don’t think it’s fair to disappear almost completely out of someone else’s life after all that has happened and then to come back strolling into that person’s life at one’s pleasure. Absurd isn’t it? Totally unacceptable.

Thing is, I used to have so much tolerance, so much patience for all these nitty gritty stuff which are actually quite petty, considering all other things that I have in mind. It’s just that I think I need to lash it out. Siapa tergigit cili, terasa lah pedasnya.

I’ve stopped being tolerant now. I’ve stopped being nice. I think it’s important that I make a statement. I think it’s important for some people to know that just because I act all nice almost all the time you can come strolling back into my life when you feel like you need me out of a sudden.

It’s not that I am hoping that people would reciprocate. It’s not that I am hoping that I would get return for all that I’ve done. I enjoy being a good friend. I enjoy being a confidante. I enjoy being there when people need me. Just don’t make it so obvious that you were using me for a temporary necessity and that I’ve actually lost such importance when you’ve gained what you came for to begin with.

I really shouldn’t be so angry, correct? It really isn’t worth my anger.

But like I said, I just need to make a statement.

Please. Don’t expect me to act like nothing happened when you’ve shut me out completely... well, okay, almost completely.

Don’t expect me to forget that you somehow forgot that we were good friends and that we enjoyed talking to each other.

Don’t expect me not to be angry because I DO feel USED.

So, don’t expect me to be nice just because I’m me. And trust me, I am nice.

I’m just not ready to make nice. Not for now.

November 17, 2007

from friendster to blogspot

AQUAR IUS - The best

Great talker- I wouldn’t like litigation if I’m not great at talking

Attractive and passionate- very (though probably a little bit vain on the “attractive” part)

Laid back- yes (when I’m not serious)

Knows how to have fun- oh, yes, within limits, of course

Is really good at almost anything- I would say I try my best all the time

Great kisser- rahsia

Unpredictable- absolutely true!

Outgoing- when I feel like it

Down to earth- iyeap, if you knew me well enough, you would know

Addictive- ask Abdul. He’ll verify ;p

Loud- yes. Speak your mind. Why keep mum, huh?

Loves being in long relationships-

totally! Why skip from one guy to another within short periods of time? Jatuh saham

Talkative- pok pek pok pek. Non-stop

Not one to mess with- people know better then to mess with me

Rare to find- try and find another me if you can! I should be preserved ;p

Good when found- very, very good

7 years of bad luck if you do not repost-
I’ve reposted. Rezeki di tangan Tuhan. Mana nak tau bad luck ke tak. Apa daaa~~

November 16, 2007

laugh and cry

My heart smiles at such good luck, Alhamdulillah. Truly, Allah is fair. He will never ever give you what you cannot handle. He puts you through hardship so that when all the rain and storm is gone, you’d appreciate the rainbow that you see at the end of it even more. Allah is kind. He shall never leave you if you remember Him always. In fact, He forgives you when you ask for forgiveness.

And I am truly thankful for the blessed life he has, and for all the good luck that has come tumbling, after all the hardship he had to go through.

But my heart cries; though just a little bit, it cries. Penang is such a distance away. I’m fine with Malacca because it’s still quite near as compared to anywhere else. But Penang? It’s going to need some getting used to, I’m very sure of that.

But nonetheless, I am still happy all the same. Very, very happy. The tears are grateful and sad at the same time. Things will go well, Allah willing.

Many things have happened this past week, actually, and I’ve of course written something on them. But on my second reading, I decided against posting them. They are a little bit private actually, and the issues I have currently can never be settled by posting blog entries. I’ll figure a way to deal with them and I need to do it soon.

For now, let’s just rejoice in Allah’s kindness and fairness.

November 07, 2007

selamat sangat

Finally, all papers have come and gone, and to my surprise, Advanced Civil Procedure paper wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. And now, I’m just lazing around on my bed (which btw I haven’t slept on for a week or so due to the mess) thinking about nothing, and listening to melancholic songs yang sangat sesuai dengan jiwa saya.

Am I ungrateful if I said that I don’t really have much of a “life”. I mean, it’s not that I’m dead or anything, it’s just that my life is so routine that I’m getting sick of it. I meet the same people everyday, I go to parties with the same crowd all the time, I go to class, I come back, I read books, I sleep, I eat. Boring kan hidup saya?

And don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the people I meet everyday. In fact, they’re the people who understand me most because we all go through the same series of ups and downs. I’m talking about me.

I feel like I’m living so safely, to the point that it is TOO safe. I go to the same eat-outs, and order the same thing every time. I’m so scared to try new food because I don’t want to waste money. Mengarut tak? I don’t meet up with people though there are just tons of people whom I would love to meet up with now. Like Sonia, K.Edi, K.Za, Myra and more of other people whom I’ve just lost touch with because I’m just TOO busy concentrating on my Honours.

And all this is because to begin with, I don’t even know the road to get to where they are. As far as directions are concerned, I am the Queen of Worst. What’s worse is that I’m actually the Queen of Lost too. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t get lost going to or coming back from somewhere. (except for Subang la because I go there more often now). Even that, sometimes I get confused.

I’m so scared to go out at night, and that’s because of all the gory stories reported in the newpapers which we all are scared of I think. And I don’t travel much because I’m not allowed to drive out of the Federal Territories.

Sometimes, I just feel like my life is stuck in bottle, or a coconut shell, or something of that nature. I lack exposure. I lack a life. I lack permission for alot of things. I lack the trust of my parents. I lack the courage to ask because I’m afraid of rejection. I’m just lacking where life in general is concerned and this honestly sux.

Sometimes, I live too safely just makes me sick, Sick, SICK. Right down to my stomach.

Give me an injection of courage and life. And just let me try to live this life. Not too safely this time.

Sorry emo sikit. It always happens when I see pictures of people overseas travelling to Europe and stuff like that like they didn’t have to bother about a thing. Seronok kan kadang-kadang boleh live life sesuka hati macam itu? Seronok dapat jalan-jalan. Seronok when things are cheap and you’re getting scholarship yang banyak. At least more than mine lah, yang rate 20 tahun lepas. Mimpi jer la nak increment. Pegi mampus.

November 05, 2007

of trust, distrust and abuse of trust

Believe it or not, these past few weeks have seen me stressing out over the fact that I can no longer write a good piece of crap. Honestly, I’ve just lost it. Or probably, I’ve just lost things to write about, or the interest to put my 2 cents in, if any.

I’ve one more exam paper to sit for, and one mock trial to prepare. I’ll be the defence cousel, which is cool actually considering the fact that I just love to cross-examine and make the witnesses confused. Haha. I’m trying my best to make peace with civil and at least TRY to like it just a little bit, but to no avail. I won’t elaborate further. I don’t want to keep on telling my mind that I hate it for fear that I might actually believe in it and abandon it altogether. (I’m talking about Advanced Civil Procedure, just in case you’re wondering).

I lost my ATM card yesterday, which makes me sad because I’ll be out of business for the whole weekend. And just in case some of you didn’t know, I sell credit now. The commission isn’t exactly to die for but the work isn’t at all tough. So, I’ve no complaints on that. Back to my lost ATM card- I was at the TTDI Maybank yesterday morning depositing some of the money I collected from the business. And being the excited (and of course careless) me, I forgot to take the ATM card after the receipt was issued by the Deposit Machine.

I don’t think I turned my back for more than 5 minutes before I realised that the card was missing and I didn’t even leave the premises. But then, when I went back to the Deposit Machine, the card was gone, as in GONE. I mean, don’t be surprised by my surprise, but I always thought that Taman Tun people were alot more civilised than the rest of the world, (no offence to the rest of the world, of course), but I’ve always known Taman Tun people to be some of the most honest and trustworthy of all the people I know.

But you know what? Yesterday was a real eye-opener. I didn’t find my card and I was panicking (of course) like I would, and so, I called up Abdul (like I always do when I can’t think for myself), and did the necessary to cancel the ATM card. So you see, no one can be trusted in this world today. I used to wonder alot about why we no longer trust people enough to stop by the road to help when we see someone in despair, with a car in need of repair.

November 04, 2007

of trust, distrust and abuse of trust Part II

I used to wonder why we keep our gates closed ALL the time, and why we locked our doors even in broad daylight. I mean, I do come from that era where we simply crossed over to our neighbours’ houses WITHOUT the use of gates, and where the doors and grills of our neighbours’ houses were always open for us when we needed a drink. Kan Pear? (if Pear is reading this), she would know how boundary-less and carefree we used to be. We used to run from house to house like no one’s business in Seremban because in the first place, there wasn’t even a gate to separate my cousin’s house and her grandma’s house.

And Siti (my former neighbour) would know that we thought of each other’s houses as our own because we went in and out, NOT using the gate, like I mentioned before. And Aimi (also our former neighbour) would know what it feels like to be in a community where my mother’s children are also her mother’s children, vice versa because we weren’t THIS selfish to just mind our own businesses ALL the time, without caring what the hell is happening to the world around us.

But when I moved in to KL, I got the shock of my life because none of these things were happening. And I honestly don’t wonder anymore because nothing like the things I used to have in Seremban can ever be done here in KL. There’s just too much distrust amongst the members of the society. There are way too many GREAT con mans who know the tricks of the trade and know HOW and WHEN to tackle and trick other people.

It’s sickening to know that no one is ever going to be safe anywhere they go. It’s sad to know that MY children will be brought up in a world where I will ALWAYS have to put a leash on them although I would hate to make them feel like I am controlling. It’s sick. And don’t even let me start about the late Nurin Jazlin. Or the murder of the 9 year old who was thrown out of a condominium window after she was raped, sodomised and murdered.

What on earth do you guys see in a 9 year old? I mean, don’t you see that they are just KIDS? Not that I want any of these mentally sick people to be attracted to me, but please. Pick on somebody your own size lah. Or somebody as sickly as yourself so that the both of you would enjoy all those worldly and distorted pleasures that other people repel.

What has become of the eastern society we used to be so proud of? What has happened to the minds of the people in the world? Why has sex become the centre of most peoples’ minds? Is there NOTHING we can do to help or change the world? Would this world ever be safe, ever again? For me, for you, for our sisters and children?

I think not. And that scares the hell out of me.