not ready to make nice

Have you ever been in that spot where you felt like people came and went as and when they pleased? Have you ever felt like people trample on you just because you are you and that being you, you would respond ever so nicely despite the fact that you are upset, dissatisfied and utterly disappointed? Have you ever been in that spot before?

Because if you have been in that spot before, tell me what to do... please? I don’t think I’m the revengeful, remorseful, hating kind of person, bar one person, perhaps. Holding grudges against another never really has been my thing. I may be moody (where I have fluctuating mood swings, which are totally and completely incomprehensible) admittedly, but never to the point of being totally and completely rude or dismissive of people. And I am never ungrateful.

In a nutshell, I really am very seldom angry (unless of course to count the last 2 weeks of Honours I). So, it does seem silly somehow that I’m angered, annoyed and upset with the fact that some people act like I am a mat they can trample on as and when they please.

I don’t think it’s fair to disappear almost completely out of someone else’s life after all that has happened and then to come back strolling into that person’s life at one’s pleasure. Absurd isn’t it? Totally unacceptable.

Thing is, I used to have so much tolerance, so much patience for all these nitty gritty stuff which are actually quite petty, considering all other things that I have in mind. It’s just that I think I need to lash it out. Siapa tergigit cili, terasa lah pedasnya.

I’ve stopped being tolerant now. I’ve stopped being nice. I think it’s important that I make a statement. I think it’s important for some people to know that just because I act all nice almost all the time you can come strolling back into my life when you feel like you need me out of a sudden.

It’s not that I am hoping that people would reciprocate. It’s not that I am hoping that I would get return for all that I’ve done. I enjoy being a good friend. I enjoy being a confidante. I enjoy being there when people need me. Just don’t make it so obvious that you were using me for a temporary necessity and that I’ve actually lost such importance when you’ve gained what you came for to begin with.

I really shouldn’t be so angry, correct? It really isn’t worth my anger.

But like I said, I just need to make a statement.

Please. Don’t expect me to act like nothing happened when you’ve shut me out completely... well, okay, almost completely.

Don’t expect me to forget that you somehow forgot that we were good friends and that we enjoyed talking to each other.

Don’t expect me not to be angry because I DO feel USED.

So, don’t expect me to be nice just because I’m me. And trust me, I am nice.

I’m just not ready to make nice. Not for now.