June 25, 2015

there are way bigger priorities past 530 pm.

Everyday at 530 pm, I wonder how to explain (to insert black space _________) that I've been up for a good 13-14 hours and that I've been working round the clock since hence the pressing need for me to head back home. Wait, scratch that; explaining is not the problem, making people understand is.

At a work place where the hours or rather after hours are the determinant of one's productivity, I find myself treading on eggshells as 530 pm approaches and planning escape routes has become one of my biggest agendas on a working day. Though pretty amusing at first, I really am starting to get a little agitated over the fact that I'm made to feel guilty or worse -- incompetent just because I don't function too well past the prescribed working hours. 

Thing is this -- apart from having to keep my job, I have a kid to raise, a husband who needs and deserves love and also a home to maintain. I know I've got to juggle but what is there to juggle if I'm not actually given the opportunity to juggle anything since my hands are already full of one and the same thing (work).

Don't get me wrong, I really do not condone people using personal reasons/problems to wriggle their way out of their responsibilities at work because once we make the decision to work, we must learn to earn our keep. So my issue isn't at all about the work itself but rather the ridiculous fact that I have to justify (and feel guilty) going back home on time because it's considered as too early.

But how much longer does Luqman have to bear being the last to go home from school EVERYDAY.

How much longer can I bear sitting round being unproductive just to please the powers that be. 

What can I do to make people understand that the after hours don't mean a thing to me and that I'm not in this to compete with anybody's accumulated monthly overtime. 

Because honestly, there are wayy bigger priorities past 530 pm, such as this - 

Spot the star - he drew it on his own. And oh, did you know -- he's ambidextrous!

On that note, I really miss my old work station, which had plenty of natural light, far away from surveillance, where I did more work at my own pace and convenience (and got them done) with very minimal supervision. 


June 19, 2015

it was all in my head.

 "Dimulakan dengan Bismillah, diakhiri dengan Alhamdulillah."

 The above is so basic. But basic may not always come naturally to everyone.

In this time and age, I find that we are quick to critique and slow to thank.

And of course, I am no exception to this general rule.

But then again, it's not that I don't try to. It's just that on some days...

Some days, like the other day on 155/365, I lost it, just.like.that. At first, I was just fuming and babbling to myself, then, I went into full-on rage mode, yelling and scolding my son (the obvious victim) and while he cried his heart out for the the first 2 times I yelled at him, the third time it happened, he just stopped crying. He stopped responding to my yelling altogether and just looked up to me with eyes full of wonderment; most probably wondering what on earth did he do wrong this time.

Truth is, he did nothing wrong. He was just being his own clingy, manja self and all he wanted was his Mama. And I? I was just wondering why there seem to be no end to the string of things I had to do. I felt alone in a room full of people, I felt like I was alone in everything that I did. I felt like it was all on me, me and me. For no good reason, really.

After I realised what I did, I knelt down to his level, hugged him and apologised profusely for what I did.

And you know what he did?

He hugged me back, and said,

"It's okay, Mama. Jom semayang sama-sama?"

And laid his mini sejadah next to mine.

Next thing I know, I was crying. When we were done with our prayers, he sat on my lap and looked right into my eyes.

"Mama nangis ke?" he said while he wiped my tears.

"Mama tak sihat ke?" and he continued to hug me tight.

And he said all of this, in the pitch-darkness of the room.

All waterworks broke lose. 

At that time, I came to the realisation that all this while, I was never alone. Allah had sent me this little angel from heaven, put him in my womb so he could hear my heart beating from the inside, so that he would know what it feels like, even when he was on the outside--- looking in.

I was so busy getting things done, and being so obsessive about putting things in order, that I forgot to say my thanks, especially to Allah, for all the things I have been blessed with; for the roof on top of my head, for an amazing husband, for a wonderful child and an overall very blessed life, which many can only dream of ever having.

Thereafter, I tried my best to be grateful for all the little things, all the big things, all the right things, all the wrong things. And I tried my best not to bottle things up too much, too long. Because I now realise that it was all in my head. And what's in my head can really get to me, like it had previously gotten to me.

But like I said in my previous post, I am a work in progress. I guess to a certain extent we all are because though we sometimes think that we've got it all figured out, we really don't. Indeed, Allah is the turner of hearts. So we should never be so sure.

What we can be sure of is -

 that Allah promises, "Verily with hardship comes ease." (Quran, 94:5).

So, look for a good in every bad. And be thankful, no matter what the situation.

And most importantly, don't let your head, get to your head because get this -- life isn't perfect, for anyone.

"We say this life isn't perfect. And it isn't. It isn't perfectly good. But, it isn't perfectly bad, either... [..] I think the trap we fall into is rooted in the belief that this life can be perfect -- perfectly good or perfectly bad. However, that's not the nature of dunya (this life). That's the nature of the hereafter. The hereafter is saved for the perfection of things. Jannah (paradise) is perfectly and completely good. There is no bad in it. And Jahannam (hell - may Allah protect us) is perfectly and completely bad. There is no good in it." (Reclaim Your Heart, Yasmin Mogahed)

June 17, 2015

that time of year.


After almost a month of disconnect from this space, I am happy to report that I am almost whole again. Only almost, but Alhamdulillah, I am getting "there", wherever it is.

Just one more sleep 'til Ramadan comes (well, technically it starts after Maghrib tonight, I know) and the office is already buzzing with excitement for the arrival of the most-waited, most-anticipated, most-loved month of the Islamic Calendar. 

Makes me all warm and fuzzy inside, just thinking about the strange (but nice) tranquility that comes with the early mornings and late nights and everything else in between that makes it all the more special.

I am sorry to all my readers if I've disappointed or hurt or caused any harm through my posts whether intentionally or not and I hope that my sins to all of you will be forgiven (and hopefully forgotten). 

May this Ramadan be better than the best ones we've had so far, may we be steadfast in prayer and may we be given the chance and opportunity to make full use of all the blessings that this month brings.