March 31, 2008

a hole

I wake up and stare at the ceiling. It spins. I turn to face the wall. It spins. I bury my face in my pillow and take in the smell. It smells familiar. I try to figure out where I am but I know that I already know. I wish I didn’t have to wake up because it doesn’t help. I tried to sleep again but I know that that’s impossible. To begin with, sleeping is impossible. I turn my back from the wall to face the other wall. I stifle the tears that I know are coming. I see something that I hold dear. There is nowhere I can turn to make me feel any better.

My heart hurts. My head pounds. My throat is dry from all the tears I have cried. There is nowhere I can turn to, to make me feel any better. I cannot sleep, lie down nor stand. My tummy burns although I have forced food down my throat. Everything hurts. Everything. My tear ducts are always full. I tell them to stop. They don’t listen. I pull my hair but it doesn’t take the headache away. I slap myself for crying but that makes me cry more. Then, I slap myself again just to feel some pain.

It is beyond my comprehension. I just need to understand. I want to understand. That hole is gaping and it bleeds. And bleeds and bleeds.

I have no right to deny the well-deserved space and time anyone needs for themselves. Have I been selfish? Have I failed to see what I was supposed to see? I see a hole... in that place we all call a heart...

March 29, 2008


I’m at home. I have tonnes of work to do. I don’t know when this will stop, seriously. There are 22 days left until the last of classes but it sure doesn’t feel like the end of the semester. In fact, it feels more like the beginning. I don’t get it why we’re subjected to this kind of workload at the end of semester. We all just want more time to study so that we don’t have to sit for supple papers later for lack of preparation. And the final exam timetable sucks, I don’t think I’m going to comment on it. Probably the only good thing about it is that our exams are going to end sooner, which means, YEAY! Bercuti!

I went to the Syariah Court KL today. Ahah. Such great timing. Went straight after Mr. Rajes’ class today. I had to wear tudung out of respect for the institution. But all of mine at in TTDI and so had to borrow Mami’s. EVERYONE shrieked! Hahahahaha. Adilah paraded me around the 7th floor. I didn’t get to show Jaja what I looked like with the tudung on because Tuan Lee was already in their class by the time I got ready. Mami shrieked too. Hahaha. It’s not that I didn’t look nice; it’s just that I looked different. Hadi siap ambik gambar, ok. Jakun ;P.

And I thought it was going to be hell, going there because it’s a Friday or something. But traffic was only bad on a small stretch of the Federal Highway. But Federal Highway, what was I expecting? It’s always jammed up for no reason anyways. Catt, the birthday girl came along with me. She was busy snapping pictures in the car because she wasn’t used to wearing the tudung. Serious nampak macam Datin yang nak mintak cerai ok. With her huge shades and all. But she’s really small and was wearing all black, so, she didn’t really look like a Datin, after all.

We managed to get there without getting lost. The parking was super empty so, that was the least of our problems. The next problem was to get the forms we had to fill for our Family Law file. I was supposed to do some kind of role play and say,

“Kak, suami saya mintak cerai malam tadi dekat dalam bilik. Jadi saya nak mintak borang untuk confirm talak dekat mahkamah. Borang mana nak pakai ye?”

But the moment we entered, the pakguard asked me, “Napa dik? Datang kenapa?”

I was like, “saya nak amik borang”

He said, “oh, nak kawin yer?”

I was laughing inside. I almost burst sebab tahan gelak ok.

I went, “Tak. Saya nak mintak borang cerai”

He had that really pelik expression on his face.

I asked further, “nak gi mana yer? Ni dia kata counter kat atas. Tapi belah mana ye?”

He kindly brought Catt and I upstairs and showed us to the Kaunter Mahkamah.

Okay. Moment of truth. Sangat scary okay. I think I was more afraid for Catt because she’s a non-Muslim so she definitely had more problem in doing the role play than I did.

I asked the Kakak for the borang. The kakak looked at me and said, “siapa yang nak mintak cerai?”

Krik krik. uH-Oh. How?

Emm..... nak tipu atau apa ni. I can’t just take mine and leave Catt without hers kan. I mean, I can’t say that I want ALL the forms. She was bound to ask me how I was divorced.

So, we took out our surat pengesahan pelajar and admitted that we were doing a research. Hah. Easy as that. It was alot easier that way because they gave us all 3 forms. But they were a bit kedekut ok. They wouldn’t give us copies of our own, so we left with only one copy of the 3 forms. Never mind. Good enough.

I did try asking them how to fill the forms but they weren’t very helpful. That part was a bit frustrating. I mean, we came all the way from Shah Alam ok. After saying our thank yous and what not, we went down and walked back to the car. I saw a small room which said PGSM (Persatuan Peguam Syarie Malaysia). I wasn’t really satisfied with the Counter incident, so I decided to do some detective work. Ketuk pintu, kasi salam, perkenal diri, cabut kasut, tanya soalan.

Tada! The Penolong Setiausaha Agung was there! Ahah. Such great luck. So, we managed to ask a few questions relating to our assignment. That guy was really nice and helpful and he has a firm in Shah Alam. So, that’s going to help me when I take DLSA next semester. Said thank yous and headed off.

Treated the birthday girl at MidV. She’s a lucky girl so many people treat her to so many things. Hmm...

And I just woke up from a nap. Sleeping is a privilege which I cherish very much. My bed has never felt this good before. Ahahaha.

March 16, 2008


right after haircut

one more right after too...

dah rosak sikit because kena air...

this morning while reading for BM

sekali lagi

and these are from last week...

menantuk tak muka. at the jewellery's with mama somewhere

waiting for mama to try on some baju she liked at M&S

a month ago at the office. no, i don't work at intel.

my sahur last tuesday

my desk a few days before today. i'm a mess.

Oh, don’t ask me what happened. I just needed something around me to change. It was starting to become a tad bit over stagnant if such a thing exists. It’s good to feel different, you know. It’s probably best you tried when you’re feeling down. Especially at times like this when the 10th week syndrome has set in and everyone is low on battery, high on sugar and caffeine and almost drowning in work.

Abu told me to send an email to Faezul to get his opinion. I SHALL not! He’s going to have so many “nice” things to say about me. As it is, he’s already calling me plywood.

Today I had a test. You see, the thing is, I really like languages. It makes a lot of sense to me because everything I am learning right now makes sense because I am able to understand the semantics. But BM paper today was quite a bummer. I couldn’t remember some things that were asked so it’s a little bit sad because this is my only hope.

And tomorrow, I have another test and I haven’t read much because I haven’t had the time so I don’t really know how I’ll score. Probably it’s best I get down to work? Yes, yes.

I’m quite obsessed with this new hair. It’s going to teach me a lot of patience. And patience is a virtue which I really need. Especially at this point.

March 15, 2008

at that stage

I’m at that stage. I used to be at a stage where I wondered if whether “siblings” was inclusive of myself and now I have to tell people how many siblings I have without garbling about who siblings would include. I used to be at that stage where people asked me why I decided to take up law, and my only answer would be “tgk la spm saya macam mana?”I’m currently at that stage where I can’t afford to mess up my chances of getting job and that everything I say and do shall be used against me and I mean this literally.

I just got back from the AG’s Chambers interview at the faculty level. Though many would say that there is nothing to worry about, knowing that the panel would consist of lecturers we all know and are familiar with, that very fact is one thing to worry most about, simply because they know us and they just do.

No, I didn’t mess up at this stage, not yet. Luckily I have a good reputation for doing well in work and I think that reputation has saved me the most this time round. But Allah has ways of His own to test us. He shows us that we are capable of handling things which we thought we would never be able to bear; e.g. being the last person to speak (which I was btw, just now, since it was a group interview)

And Alhamdulillah, things went pretty well just now. I don’t have an attitude and have never had one and so, I am glad that they remember and recognise me for that. For now, I am just going to work my heart and soul out for the next round of interviews and I hope to do well then too.

The irritation is fading away gradually and so, it’s a good thing. Anger comes to me so slowly that it leaves me in an even slower time than the time it came. So, I’m going to try and stay cool about what has been happening, and play the mind game mama taught me. Terima kasih mama ku!

Alright. Back to work now. taaa~~

March 14, 2008

no more free rides

Shocking. It’s surprising that the election and post-election fever is still on and very much alive. The average Malaysian normally remembers an occurrence for 3 days at most. So, I guess the election results have finally awakened Malaysians to the realities in living in a multi-racial country where the Majority are given special rights.

No, it’s not that I don’t love the Malays. How can I hate them? I live, breath, eat and go to school with them. But sometimes, there’s no wonder at all why people question the privileges we Malays are receiving. I mean, we don’t have to go further than the classrooms in UiTM. Some Malays are just too complacent. Some Malays are happily nestled in their comfort zone not having an iota of worry about what the future holds. It’s frustrating.

And how do I know? Well, I happen to be in one of the biggest institutions in the country, and I am in the only institution, where the students are all Malays, thus the Malay mentality. No doubt that there are some very good, hardworking Malays, like myself (and I assure you that I am justified in saying this) and my friends, but the quantity of Malays who are actually cut and built for the working life and competition out there is just not good enough (famous words of someone we all know).

It's at times like this that I have no reason to argue with those who say that Malays are not deserving of the privileges they are currently receiving. I know, I know. I am myself Malay. I am in a fully-Malay institution and without it; I probably wouldn’t be getting the best education right now. But the mentality sometimes is just too much to bear. Not that they are uber-conservative or that I’m ultra liberal. I am quite conservative in certain respects, at least more conservative that most people I know. But my workplace mentality, the quality of work I maintain and expect from people, you know, things of the like. It’s just frustrating. See, even my vocab fails me at this point due to my disappointment. How else can I say this?

I just don’t get it why people don’t get their own notes, why people don’t rebut to sit in front and why people like to simply cut and paste. It’s not that I’ve never squabbled before or that I’ve never messed up or never missed classes. But I do it only to the extent that is acceptable. And I don’t like it that politics is so inherent in this Honours Programme. I don’t know like it that people make their way through everything and anything by sweet talking and licking other else’s bums. It’s a bit disgusting actually the way things work around here.

So, what am I supposed to do to make changes? How am I to convince them that the only way we (or more like you complacent Malays) can improve and successfully compete with the rest of the world? What we have right now is good but it’s just not good enough.

In a way, I’m happy with the election results because it has awakened everyone from their lazy slumber. It’s a good thing that people now realise that good things DO NOT COME EASY. It’s great that finally we are all now in fear (I hope people will start realising the implications of being dependant on special rights) and I really hope that people will stop taking free rides and pick other peoples’ brains ALL THE TIME and make it their owns and do better than the rest of us who actually lead an honest life and do things the right way.

I guess this is just an extension from my frustration and irritation with someone regarding something. It’s good that things are off my chest right now. Let’s hope this irritation fades soon.

March 09, 2008

i'm having an affair

It’s the weekends again and as usual, I’m too knackered to do anything mentally stimulating which would and could possibly contribute to the completion of my assignments.

“please try later” and “the person you are calling is not responding” are 2 of my favourite phrases right now. In fact, right now it seems like I’m in an avid affair with them because I can’t seem to comprehend why I wait for them, when I know that hanging up the phone at the third ring would save me from the heartache; and the fight which would probably ensue after that. I’ve never been the arguing type, so it beats me, but so what.

This isn’t doing anything to help my already battered nerves. To begin with, I’m not sure why my nerves are battered at all. It just is. The Distance isn’t any help, so I guess the next best thing is to have an affair with the ever-waiting, faithful operator who actually answers.

It looks like someone is losing interest. Was it something I did again? Will history repeat itself and leave me with no answers again. Or is it just the paranoia (as usual) that makes me want to scream my lungs out and possibly punch someone in the chest right now just to show I mean business.

Or should I just keep up having an affair because after all, both operators are willing to answer my call, even if it’s not after the third ring. I think I’ll stick to the affair(s)... (dahsyat tak saya seperti perempuan apa ntah). After all, it makes me feel better that the 2 operators are still interested in me.

But I’m home and that makes me happy.

At least someone else wants and needs me around, still.

March 08, 2008

Malaysia decides

Today marks Malaysia’s 14th general election (I think) and since the election fever is on, I thought I’d jump on the bandwagon and contribute my own 2 cents, whatever the outcome would be at the end of this post.

You see, I’ve never been passionate about politics. I’ve never cared about it nor given it much thought but that could be because I don’t quite understand the workings of politics and now that I am older, I don’t like the workings of it. (and this is from whatever little I understand about politics)

That fact alone might disentitleme to make a fair comment of the political scene in Malaysia, or anywhere else for the matter. But I think I’ll still put my 2 cents in, regardless that it might, just might be baseless in the end.

I didn’t register to vote and so, this time round, many have questioned me as to why I’m not fulfilling my obligation as a responsible Malaysian citizen. Many have questioned me as to where I would and might be if the government did not exist. They ask me of the scholarship I receive every semester and also of the university which I attend, which by the way is extremely highly subsidised.

These questions make me feel ungrateful, yes. But it doesn’t make me want to vote for anyone or anything. I’ve been told to come out of my state of oblivion and make a choice, whatever that choice is. But with the current situation, what with the Lingam case and the rallies that have been taking place throughout last year and this year, I’m beginning to agree with those demonstrators; that they may have a valid cause after all.

No, I do not condone rallying because it causes traffic jam and makes it hell just to reach home. I don’t like it for the reason that it makes me feel unsafe in a country which is supposedly one of the safest and peaceful in the world. No, I do not like those who choose to take their proposals to the streets as there are more civil ways of doing things.

The thing is, sometimes, I just get it. I get it why they campaign illegally. I get it why they scream and shout (though I must admit that some just join for the fun of it, not knowing what the real cause is) and demand that the Government listen.

I understand because for years now, I have been shouting through the proper avenue that my fees are almost RM 500 per semester so please give us an increment (because they currently give RM 200 for fees). I’ve had to fork out my own money for the many books I have to buy because they give us a measly RM280 for the entire semester. Do you know how many books I can get with that amount of money; approximately 2 ½ books, which is not even half of the amount of law books which I consume (or which consumes me) per semester. And I tell you that I have been shouting through the proper way, to no avail. (but for this semester... come to think of it, no wonder, it’s election this year)

So, you see, I get it why people get frustrated. I know it’s wrong of me to not really like the political scenario (I dare not say what I really mean). I know I am at a heavily subsidised institution. I am aware that I am funded by the Government no matter how measly the amount. But I also work my bum out and get good grades. I also sacrifice my time and space and money to become a good student. I hardly cause problems which is a big plus point since I don’t use the company’s resources to waste. And most importantly, I know I’ll be able to contribute to the country by working hard, if not making a difference.

Point is, regardless of the fact that I am subsidised, it does not make it an obligation for me to vote (for anyone) just because. It’s because I am not lacking in merit. I work hard for whatever I want and everything I have is because I earned it. I’ve never wiggled my way through dirty paths to get good grades; Malaysians don’t lie about grades. I’ve always been a hard worker.

So, I still look in detest at the campaign advertisements which I must say are a tad bit overrated. I’d have to say that I hate the fact that they are leaning on what our forefathers have done for the country to make them look better. Hey, show what you can do and stop showing what our forefathers did. That was their contribution and they truly are to be saluted for the sacrifices they made for the country. But the present “fathers”; show us if you’ve done the same and if you would do the same. Stop hiding behind the glory of others. Earn that respect the same way I earned my way up.

Then, one day, when things are different or when I can make that difference, I’d probably make the time or take the time to vote and make choice of my own.

There... my own 2 cents. Decide Malaysia. For my sake (and the rest of us degil citizens who don’t want to vote), that is.