February 27, 2009

like blankets.

could it still be that simple?

could romantic and platonic and parental love all be different facets of the same diamond? -

brilliant, no matter which face is turned up to the sun?

"and when you say her name, it sounds different; like it's covered with blankets"

"you love her"

-by JP

February 25, 2009

you beef jerky.

For the longest time, my stigma of guys being jerks has been stunted by the circumstances in my life. Having gone through boy cousins who forgot me totally when they were in their “boy group” and silly ex-boyfriends who were completely oblivious to what I was worth, great guys came my way, and I no longer had any reason to call guys jerks anymore. That was of course, until today came.

You see, there have been guy friends of mine whom have attempted at hitting on me. I know they think I don’t know because I don’t respond, but that’s only because I am not flighty, I am extremely loyal and of course, quite proper. So, I deal with flirtations properly so that the member of the opposite sex doesn’t get the wrong idea.

Abu once told my friends that there was this guy who was “fond” of me; that he had the hots for me because he wasn’t treating me like he was treating the rest of the girls. And naturally, I brushed the thought aside because it was ridiculous. Of course it was ridiculous.

But then, when I started working, I came to realise that Abu might not have been making things up after all. To some extent, Abu’s allegations were quite accurate. But like I mentioned, I appropriately dealt with it because he’s a great friend. And I wasn’t about to lose a great guy friend just because someone told me he was “fond” of me and that he might probably be pining for me. So, I acted like a friend should.

As time went by, he was becoming nicer and nicer and I was starting to get a bit afraid that he had developed feelings which he should not be having for me. He made remarks and exclamations and treated me in a way my not-so-easily-jealous-boyfriend would find threatening. He fed me with good food every time I passed by his cubicle. He made sure I was in the list of people he gave goodies to whenever he came back from anywhere.

So, despite his foul mouth, I knew that he was a good guy inside. And like him, I made sure I included him in the list of people who would get goodies if I came back from somewhere and in today’s case, I didn’t exclude him when I was distributing my cupcakes in the office.
All in all, we were still friends regardless of what he felt or what I thought he felt.

Little did I know that he was just as much as a jerk as some other average guy. I tolerate his foul mouth because most of the remarks he makes are to me and me alone. And most of the time, they are true, so like it or not, someone has to tell me. Or when he says not-so-true things in a foul but joking manner, it’s always in front of my colleagues or friends who know me well enough not to judge me.

But today, he just crossed the line.

Not only did he NOT thank me for the cupcakes (he had to wait until he bumped on me at the staircase), he also made remarks which were hurtful, not only because he made me sound bimbotic, but also because he openly made those remarks in front of some other person (practically a stranger to me) who didn’t know me at all.

That person could have deciphered the statement in a 1001 ways and made the conclusion that I was chasing after this guy friend of mine like I was the desperado. And on top of that, this guy friend of mine only acts that way when he’s around his guy friends. Like when he’s talking to me alone, he’s all nice and tentative and the next thing you know, he’s acting all macho and jerk-like around his peers just so he doesn’t end up looking like he’s treating women (
or specifically me) too nicely.

Like what’s wrong with treating girls nicely even in front of other guy friends? My brother does it. My Encik does it. Even Encik’s guy friends treat me real nicely even when around their other guy friends.

Apparently, some people’s mouths speak faster than their minds could actually think of the consequences.

It still hurts, thank you.I wish you didn't think it was so funny saying what you said.

Passion and profession.

I believe that not everyone has been given the chance to do the things they are most passionate about. And at times, I believe that your passion shouldn’t be your job. That would be like the perfect conflict of interest. And that’s in my own personal opinion, at least.

You know why it would be like a conflict of interest? That’s because at one point in your life, you won’t be able to decide whether or not you love the money more or the job more. It’s like when you get real good at your job, people will come to know of you and with the jobs you get, money will come pouring and then, at one point, it might be more about the money than the actual job.

My simple example would be… blogging. You see, I love blogging; it’s practically a job. At times, I feel like it’s my first job. Like I need to report myself to it every single morning when I come to work. And I know some people read my blog but don’t tell me they do. But I am aware I have silent readers. No, don’t worry, I haven’t installed Live Feed and hid it to spy on you. I don’t really mind who my readers are, so long as you’re not some psycho who writes about me in a hate blog somewhere. And believe me, I have quite an instinct, and my mojo dissolves when I feel like some not-so-good people are here.

I also happen to love baking, but I haven’t sold anything at all, not like suggested by my friends and colleagues. I've attempted to, but I just ended up giving them away. I find joy in baking just for the fun of it. I find happiness in simply baking and calling my friends to get their fair share of my experiments just because I love them. It’s a lot more satisfying that way. I really am not a very calculative person :)

I don’t know why I wrote about this in the very beginning. Maybe it’s just because it sometimes gets to me when people love their job sotoo much, it’s all they ever talk about. It’s unnerving. Because life really isn’t about work and work alone, right? No doubt the job puts food on the table, but it shouldn’t be our life. I mean, it can be, but it shouldn’t be everything. What happens to weekends and handbags and manicures and pedicures and window shopping and good food and most of all, RESTING, if life is all about work?

It’s okay to be passionate about what you are doing but of course there must be a balance. Because like all things in life, passion fizzles at some point. What differentiates them is the fact that some passions can be revived and some flames just lose their heat.

So, as a reminder to myself, I will try to not to be so into my job, that it consumes me. I would like to read more papers, read more story books and watch more TV series.

Mama, I wish you could read this.

and p.s: i'm giving my cupcakes away. first in rank: Kesayangans. sila la pick up, saya sedia menunggu, okay? those in the area can come too, but please let me know, nanti tak cukup pula. sekian.

February 23, 2009

no other love.

My dam has broken. I no longer have a functioning reservoir. Suddenly, I’m hit real hard on the heart by a loneliness I cannot seem to bear. The journey to the toilet is quiet and unceremonious. There are no in between laughs or jokes or short karaoke sessions anymore. The thought of coming home to an empty house for an indeterminate time is appalling. I was not the only child for way too long. I wonder why I ever wished (once upon a time ago) that I was the only child. All I want now is to NOT be so far from my siblings. We weren’t close from the start, but now, the 3 of us are the tightest. All I want is for them to be close to me.

The toilets are too clean. There are no longer any strands of short curly hair lying on the bathroom floor after one of your impulsive trims. Your amp and guitar and wires are not laying around on the bedroom floor, hence the deafening silence. There are no more sounds of strumming guitar or gila goreng sessions. Hence, there is no more mocking of Olivia Newton John.

You can never find a brother who will hug you in public, let you hold his hand when you’re walking in the mall, knock some sense in you when you need most sense and protects you from all the evil he could possibly protect you from.

Mama did not say anything after the airport. I think she cannot bear it.

Babah misses you. We all eat so little he no longer has “gang” to eat alot. Just now, he told us to eat more slowly because Abang is not around. After the airport he went to your room and looked at don’t know what. He misses you.

Adik cried some more after you left because her friends were telling her not to be sad. How can she not be sad?

And I am just me. I miss you and I don’t know what I’ll do without you. I don’t know who will stand up for me when things get too rough. I don’t know who will do the talking for me when I’m too dumbstruck and I don’t know who will entertain the therapy sessions I need so badly.

Abang balik tau? Balik tak dosa.


February 21, 2009


fuck me and my stupid mouth.
fuck me and my stupid blog.
fuck fuck fuck fuck.
i didn't mean any harm, i swear i didn't mean any harm.

fuck me and my stupid blog.
fuck fuck fuck fuck.

i've ran out of vocabulary because fuck me and my stupid mouth.

fuck you thoughts. fuck.

February 20, 2009

domestic goddess.

People who know me very well know that there are several signs I emit, which they should take heed of. Say for example, I cut my hair. When I cut my hair, they will start asking me whether I’m alright, or whether my relationship is on the rocks, or whether everything at home is under a controllable amount of stress. Especially when the haircut’s a radical, extreme makeover.

Then, people will know that something is wrong when I start hand-washing my clothes although the washing machine’s ever willing and available to do the job for me. I’m also normally not very okay when I start scrubbing the apartment more rigorously than normal.

People will also pick up that something is not very right when I cook; like cook A LOT.

But there are some times when I cook just for the fun of it, and yesterday and the day before are examples of those times when I just missed one of my favourite pastimes and decided to… well, get domesticated.


I’m in love with them.

Even if you tell me that they aren’t that cute :).

Because they are quite messy, actually. Ngee.

Did you know that K.Maya asked me what was wrong with me.

She said I was practicing to get married. Hah! Told you they think something’s wrong when I cook too much.

February 19, 2009

what about now?

These days, I’m always deep in thought. There haven’t been those fleeting moments when I felt like writing something and actually end up writing it for a while now. These days, my thoughts remain just thoughts. They haven’t made their way into the blogging world just yet. I’m not so sure why.

Yesterday, I got a phone call from a dear friend. I could get used to people calling me to tell me they miss me, I really can. But yesterday’s conversation was nothing short of… disturbing. It’s about the choices we make and the paths we take. And mostly, it was about the reasons we make those choices.

Sometimes, I think it ridiculous that other people determine the way in which we should go. I always despise it when the course of my life is chartered like I were a ship on schedule, but I understand the part where we sometimes don’t have a choice. I wish we had more choice sometimes.

Can someone tell us they know what’s best for us, even if they are our parents? I know parents want the best for their children, but knowing what is best is a different thing altogether. I appreciate the fact that they have brought us up with so much care and love in the world that they wouldn’t want anything less than best for us, but does that really, really make them know what best is?

That’s really just a moot point. More like a rhetorical question I don’t expect anyone to answer.

On a lighter and not-s0-related-at-all note, I have started baking again. Yesterday, I was on leave and so I decided to end the day with one of my favourite pastimes. Although one of the recipe’s a new one I got off the internet, it’s quite yummy, if I may say so myself (puji diri sendiri, of course). I also made chocolate brownies cupcakes…

Sometimes, I wish I had more off days. Sometimes, I wish I could sit down and think about now and not tomorrow or next month or next year. Sometimes, I really just wished we could live for the day. I’m not so sure why we keep on thinking about tomorrow and the days after.

But I guess that’s just the way things go in our lives. One minute we’re all unburdened by worry and the next thing we know we’re not so sure what we’re living for anymore.

As for tonight, I’m going to practice my buttercream skills.