no other love.

My dam has broken. I no longer have a functioning reservoir. Suddenly, I’m hit real hard on the heart by a loneliness I cannot seem to bear. The journey to the toilet is quiet and unceremonious. There are no in between laughs or jokes or short karaoke sessions anymore. The thought of coming home to an empty house for an indeterminate time is appalling. I was not the only child for way too long. I wonder why I ever wished (once upon a time ago) that I was the only child. All I want now is to NOT be so far from my siblings. We weren’t close from the start, but now, the 3 of us are the tightest. All I want is for them to be close to me.

The toilets are too clean. There are no longer any strands of short curly hair lying on the bathroom floor after one of your impulsive trims. Your amp and guitar and wires are not laying around on the bedroom floor, hence the deafening silence. There are no more sounds of strumming guitar or gila goreng sessions. Hence, there is no more mocking of Olivia Newton John.

You can never find a brother who will hug you in public, let you hold his hand when you’re walking in the mall, knock some sense in you when you need most sense and protects you from all the evil he could possibly protect you from.

Mama did not say anything after the airport. I think she cannot bear it.

Babah misses you. We all eat so little he no longer has “gang” to eat alot. Just now, he told us to eat more slowly because Abang is not around. After the airport he went to your room and looked at don’t know what. He misses you.

Adik cried some more after you left because her friends were telling her not to be sad. How can she not be sad?

And I am just me. I miss you and I don’t know what I’ll do without you. I don’t know who will stand up for me when things get too rough. I don’t know who will do the talking for me when I’m too dumbstruck and I don’t know who will entertain the therapy sessions I need so badly.

Abang balik tau? Balik tak dosa.
Sekian.