these thoughts won't won't fit on my IG post

This is going to take more than 140 words. 

Because frankly I can't really find the words to describe how I feel.

Because really, it's all feeling so very surreal, even though it's been almost 2 months now since we arrived and settled in.

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Hello there from the UK. Yes, I am in the UK. In fact, we are all in the UK. We, being the #clingyclan. 

We've had this planned for about 2 years now and some of the days and months leading to today did at some point feel impossible, so much so that we lost hope over so many things, so many times over. Hence, making being here today feel even more surreal. 

Embarking on this journey, we kept many things under covers. We wanted to stay in our lane and didn't want to list help unnecessarily or get advice that were unsolicited. We wanted to try and do things our way, in our own pace, and to only get help from those who we knew wanted to help, genuinely. 

So here's a big shout out to those who helped get us here today! We could never have done it without your unwavering support.

Here for almost 2 months now, and I have come to the realisation that all we need is time. 

We need time to settle in, to adjust and time to get used to even the most basic of things. Moving to a foreign country (albeit at your own volition) is major, and giving yourself time and forgiving yourself for your shortcomings really, really helps. 

From past experience, I have learned not to push myself unnecessarily, and know better to make peace with myself for not figuring things out immediately (or ever, really!) and I have come to terms with the fact that as a normal human being with flaws of my own, some days I am upbeat and fine, but other days... well, other days like today, I am just feeling a tad bit bluer than I normally do. It's not always rainbows and butterflies, and it's okay.

At the beginning of November, I saw a random IG post, which told me to begin November by reflecting on how far I've come this year.

And... wow. What a year it has been! 

To think that it was filled with all the important things; like sitting for IELTS, family members falling gravely sick, us moving homes, kids starting a new year at school and doing really well just before we left, visa applications, us scrambling to find a new home here in the UK, us worrying about how we were going to cope being students while raising our school-going children in a foreign place without family support, us packing 11 bags in anticipation of our move, me traveling on a separate plane than Hajihaji with the kids (and 7 bags!), us unpacking our lives here in our new place and now learning to call this place home, kids going to new schools and now enjoying themselves, and somehow in all of these experiences, despite our differences and inevitable arguments, Hajihaji and I have found renewed strength in each other as partners.

I guess it's no surprise that upon reflection of what 2023 has been (so far), I am feeling a little nostalgic. My playlist is most definitely not helping, and the fact that assessments have been uploaded for our action and my purple brain not allowing me to fall into an abyss of mediocrity (at least where preparation is concerned) is just adding up to my melancholy.

 I know that amongst my aims coming here is to come out from this experience more intellectually enlightened, and frankly, since I'm on scholarship and fully aware that I'm being funded by the hard-earned money of tax-paying Malaysians, I know that it'd be in everyone's interest that I do (really) well.

But... having said that, I know too, that this opportunity only comes once in a blue moon, and perhaps only far and few in between, and so I must learn to let my hair down... and plan for some of the fun things too.

But of course, only after I complete my assessment outline (I know right, boooooo!) But I'm really only doing this because I need to plan my life ahead so that I can really enjoy my holidays, instead of working on my assessments then! 

And with that, I shall get back to my assessments.

Despite the melancholy mood in which the post was written, I really, am truly grateful that we are here, experiencing all that we are experiencing, as a unit-- together. 

I need to always look back to this year... and think about those times when I had once wished for all that I now have. MasyaAllah, we must be thankful, always, for all the blessings we've been granted with.

With that, here's to 2023, and to all our future adventures ahead!