September 21, 2017

my son turned 5, and I cried.

Went through my draft list and found a post written on April 3rd, 2017. And decided to post this anyway, for memory's sake.

Somehow, my son turning 5 turned into an emotional event for me. 

I guess the whole year leading to his 5th birthday was such a roller coaster ride, that seeing how much he's grown in a year somehow overwhelmed me. 

And I thought... if I'm this overwhelmed, imagine how overwhelmed he is.

Since the birth of Ayesha, I think I have become so much harder on him.

I imposed on him the Big Brother Role because I believed that he was ready to take it on. And I do actually believe that he is ready. But then, despite being so mentally prepared to be a Mom of Two (or so I thought), due to my lack of readiness in dealing with 2 children with such vastly different needs, I did not have the patience to let the role sink in.

I just demanded that he get along with the programme, just like I did.

In turn, it made him stronger, tougher. Not sure about being more responsible voluntarily, but he took on the simple roles I made him do to make him understand that I would no longer do them for him anymore because I had more than just him to care for -- and that Ayesha is part of that little world which used to belong to only us.

And (with much resentment) he understood... he really did. And with that came the change which I so demanded out of him... (I'm not too sure I like them all...)

And there is not a day where I don't wonder if I've damaged him by being so hard, so tough, so demanding.

There are days when I would stare out into space with a blank look on my face and tears would form out of the "no thoughts" in my head.

Some days it got so bad, that once my friend had to convince me that I was doing fine... and that if I wasn't , my children would not be thriving as well as they did... that I am enough.

Haih...

Right this moment, I am able to command some kind of "fear" just by raising my eyebrows at him over something he did or said... Right this moment, I'm okay with that although some mothers will agree to disagree with me and my methods.

But my baby a year ago... is no longer "that baby".  And I'm pretty sure that in another year... he'll be another version of himself.

And I honestly don't know how to feel about that.

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