HAHAHAHA. I had a good read of my previous posts and a good laugh at my old younger self. So much youth and humour in me back then, it's hard not to be amused.
Today is Day 5 of Ramadhan.
I seem to have started Ramadhan on the wrong foot. Somehow I took it to heart when someone mentioned to me how it was okay for work to take precedence over Ramadhan, which I thought was utterly disrespectful for the month. Well, okay, so maybe that person didn't say exactly that, but through the conversation, I picked out those points.
True that work doesn't stop when we fast; in fact we should be more steadfast, but there are limits to it, I am sure?
Well, anyway, Ramadhan came and embrace it, I did.
Alhamdulillah, though I wasn't able to join my family for the congregational tarawikh prayers at the mosque, I was still able to do so on my own at home on the first day, when my Boy behaved SO WELL that day and managed to entertain himself for the whole of 10 rakaats.
I say 10 rakaats because during the final rakaat for Witir, the Boy stood right in front of me on the praying mat and flashed the biggest toothy smile he could, willing me to play with him. I tried so hard not to laugh at the sight and quickly finished off with that last rakaat, where I sensed his relief for finally having some company again. He must have been so bored reading to himself and playing and singing all on his own.
When I was reading through my old posts, I came across a draft from last year, which seem to have gone unpublished. I read it again and again and contemplated on whether I should post it now... but it seemed so... personal. I decided against it.
But if there's one thing I learned from that post is that last year, just like the present one, I had some initial troubles connecting with Ramadhan at the earlier stage. But I was lucky I caught myself early enough to snap out of that trance through constant, heartfelt prayer. And I was able to make full use (in sha Allah) of last year's Ramadhan to collect as many good deeds as I could.
This year... I find myself feeling a little left out where kumpul pahala is concerned. Somehow... I seem to be so #tamakpahala this year that I feel like I'm not part of the greater scheme of things due to the things I'm missing out on, like congregational prayers among other things.
While last year I prayed that Allah grant me patience, this year, I pray that Allah to give me (on top of patience), the feeling of contentment for caring for my family and for Him to put trust in my heart that I shall be rewarded justly for all the things I do in lieu of what I want to do, because it may be that I dislike something but it is good for me and He knows, but I know not, right?
I guess it's true when they say that you never know what you've got until you've lost it... because had I known how different it would be after marriage and motherhood, I would have never missed out on being all #tamakpahala when I was single.
In any case, mintak-mintak Allah terima ibadah saya pada tahun ini dan hapuskan dosa-dosa saya.