“Count your blessings to find what you look for.”
I am peeved.
Mama said the reason I always feel this way is because I am naturally competitive. So, in the face of over competitiveness and over zealousness and over enthusiasm by others, I tend to get agitated. When in actual fact, I’m actually looking at myself. Difference is I might have a slightly more pleasant personality, which makes me a lot easier to deal with I guess?
Funny how much of ourselves we really hate, right?
I wonder how people view me. They must really hate me sometimes, don’t they?
Today marks the 12th day since the 21 July 2012. Though met with awkward stares from colleagues who thought I was a new officer for the first 2 days, the transition from ye old Hanisa to the new me has been smooth sailing, Alhamdulillah. And the power of aurat is that even my husband is excited seeing me choosing and wearing different types and styles of hijab every day. Must be exciting after knowing a hijab-less me for 7 years?
Besides, I noticed that rezeki melimpah-ruah since my transition. So many good things happened to me. So many people have been oh so kind to me. And so many blessings in disguise have passed my way.
Mama was right (once again and always is). I have everything to be thankful for. I have been blessed with so many wonderful things and yet, I hesitated to do this one thing Allah has commanded me to. “What’s stopping you, girl?” she asked me one day. And I couldn’t answer. Because she is right. There really wasn’t anything stopping me anymore. There really shouldn’t be anything stopping me.
So here I am.
Every now and then, when I get as pissed as I am right now, I remind myself of this transition; of this new found peace which has made me calmer in a lot of ways. It makes me think of the “tag” I have voluntarily stuck to myself, which makes me stop in my tracks each time I feel like saying a bad thing or having a bad thought. I thought I had it covered, but clearly, even with the devils tucked safely away from me, my nafsu amarah sometimes, just sometimes gets the best of me.
Time really flies and we’re almost half way through our Ramadan already.
I really don’t want to spend it angry, so I’ll leave it all at that.
Here’s to many more happy days, insyaAllah.
Much love, as always!