August 10, 2012

Puan Mama.

 


These days, I am first and foremost… a mother. And that includes being a mom at work. Everyday, I can’t wait for the clock to strike 5 and pictures of my son are always present. He’s a huge gummy smile on my deskstop, my blog and everywhere else easily visible to me.

I never thought motherhood would have this effect on me, but yes, I sometimes think about quitting my job so that I can take care of my son full-time. Regardless of how much I know how being jobless will make me go mindless crazy.

And that coming from a self-proclaimed workaholic, is huge.

But being a mother first and foremost, has its own effects. While I make sure I am more focused at work so that I can get things done faster within the time allocated, it also takes away whatever semblance of a social life I once had. And being a pumping mom who struggles to make more milk, I’ve had to decline outings multiple times so that at least half of what my son drinks during the day comes from me.

Sad as it is, I am still, gladly, first and foremost, a mother.

I naturally would not think twice about leaving work if Luqman needs me (which so far he’s been such a gem to not throw unnecessary tantrums while I’m at work). I take a few hours off once a month to take him for his check-ups and immunisations. These days, I hardly ever (more like never!) volunteer to stay back late at the office unlike before. I would talk about Luqman to anyone who would listen to anything Luqman-related. And obviously, when the clock strikes 5… I would unhesitatingly excuse myself from whatever discussion I am in because I need to get back to my boy.

Which is why when my paranoia gets the best of me… I tend to feel like a liability. Because I hate not being able to give more than my all to every aspect of my life, work included. The post-partum me is a 360 degree shift from the pre-natal me. But can I be the pre-natal me again? Never. I can’t imagine what I’d be without being a mother.

Though I sometimes wish that I could contribute more than more at work, I also know for a fact that I didn’t give birth to my son only to come home to put him to bed. And most certainly, when I start feeling like he is a liability to my job, just because he demands to be cuddled and wants all of my time, I know that I’ve got to get my priorities straight.

He is, after all, my amanah, and I have to make sure I bring him up well; that I play games with him, sing to him, nurture him, teach him all the good things and be there for him through thick and thin. Just like how my mom was there for us all the time.

I know that these next couple of years will be testing to me because it’s an open secret how much I love to work. And because this job sometimes requires more hours than I can commit to, I guess some sacrifices have to be made on my part.

I am, after all, first and foremost, a mother.

You can now put that in my CV.


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2 comments:

Tahirah A. said...

Gosh..i feel like quitting my job too!!

Haneesa said...

Kan? It has crossed my mind so many times dah. Tapi, got to get real jugak at the end of the day.. .