August 06, 2011

Ms. Swot

A swot is

“...A person who studies hard, esp. one regarded as spending too much time studying...”

Or in more familiar terms... skema. And constantly "by-the-book". Or at least that’s what I think it is.

It’s rare for anyone to have any bad dreams during Ramadan as the Devils and Demons have been chained. Most people sleep very soundly. Or at least, I do.

Only last night... I dreamt. And it wasn’t a very pretty dream.

It was a ball of chaos. I think I was at home. In the dream, I felt panicky – as if I were rushing for something, somewhere. But I don’t know what it was. Only, at some point, I remember that I was rushing to eat because it was almost Subuh. And I don’t normally eat during Sahur. To me, what’s most important are my drink(s). One very, very, very sweet drink and loads of plain water to wash it off. But in the dream, I ate. And I ate alot. And then, it was already Subuh and I was trying to down my normal dose of plain water but I couldn’t. I couldn’t get any water down my throat. I couldn’t gulp. I couldn’t swallow. But I kept trying. And I couldn’t. What’s worse, there were people at my window watching this spectacle. Prying, staring, gaping, pointing. Obviously judging.

And then, I woke up at the sound of the Azan. And obviously panicked. But it felt too early. Somehow, I just knew that it wasn’t “time” yet. So, I ran out of the room to look at the wall clock. Sure enough, it was only 3.45 a.m. I have to admit that I was pissed. So, I went back to my bed and lay still under the duvet. It was only 3.45 a.m. and I could no longer sleep.

Then, I remembered.

I slept the night before without perfoming my Isya’ prayers. So, I guess you can already guess that I didn’t perform my tarawikh either? Like I said before... this year, I feel tired. So tired. But is that enough of an excuse?

I went to the prayer mat and performed my Isya’. It was only 4 rakaat, and it is actually really easy. So, why did I act like it’s so hard?

I never get through a year without getting caught doing a bad thing. Even minor ones, mind you. Never have. Don’t think I ever will.

Which is why I remain the “swot” that I am because I am constantly blessed with revelations and enlightenments by “someone” out there that S/He is watching. And constantly keeping me on my toes. Even when I am flying high.

So, even though a “Ms. Swot” is the girl who is no fun, won’t try something that is too much out of the ordinary, scared to do something wrong, the fact is... that’s just who I am.

Even if I attempt to do something out of the ordinary, which is clearly and obviously wrong, I never get away with it anyways. So, I guess, I’m thinking, “Why bother?”

Although I’ve been up since 3.45 a.m., couldn’t get back to sleep even if I tried to, and was startled with what seemed the early “Azan”, I’m okay. I’m actually happy that I made it to today, knowing that “someone” out there really, really loves me.

Alhamdulillah.


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