May 22, 2015

untuk apa (siapa), sebenarnya?

It's been a while.

Before I continue, I'm going to forewarn you that this post may make my previous post sound like a total fraud. But this is necessary because each time I think about writing about all things good, I always come back to this particular part of my life, wherein I feel like THIS; this indescribable emptiness despite the rainbows and butterflies in my life

And to be honest, I think it's contributed by my not feeling fulfilled at work, where I spend most of hours in a day.

When I was working with my former boss, I used to question her alot on the reasons behind the things she did, out of sheer curiousity. And most of the time, she would tell me that she does the things she does not just to please her superiors or bosses, but rather because that's just who she is.

She always told me that we've got to be proud of our work, no matter how little the work is; and that our work is a reflection of ourselves. It doesn't matter that our friends think our job scope is the least exciting out of all the fields of law or that we aren't real lawyers because we don't go to court. What's important is that WE do the best we can do with the work given and that WE KNOW we have given it our all.

And for a long, long while, it made sense. It made me work real hard. It made me exceed my own expectations. I was doing it for me and it felt good, no matter how much it seemed like I wasn't being recognised for all the things I did and that my disposition seem to have been misinterpreted (rather grossly if I may add) by those who didn't work with me.

It kept me going, even after I stopped working for my former boss.

 Until recently, something broke me. Or rather, something in me broke. 

I started asking questions which I never asked. I started counting hours which I never counted. I started wondering whether there was anything in all of this for me at all. I started wondering if any of all of this was worth it. I didn't know if all my efforts would be paid off, some day, some how.

And I hated myself for being so calculative. I hated myself for being so unlike me. 


I wish I could tell you that I'm now out of the dark, but sadly, I'm not. This is probably one of the longest periods of time I've been deflated and demotivated over things which are beyond my control (which I'd rather not elaborate) and I'm honestly trying to climb out of this hell hole so that I can say hi to the old Hanisa again.

And so that I could continue to blog about my everyday mishmash to my heart's content (hopefully this out of the blue post would start the ball rolling).

Until I pick up my broken pieces and fix myself up again, watch this space for me (I really do miss blogging). 


Hampshire Mummy said...

Salam Hanisa,

Waiting patiently for you to pick up pieces of you and heal to be whole again, enough to transfer your thoughts and feelings into mish mash of blog posts.

Stay strong in the face of whatever adversity you are faced with, you can do it!

Haneesa said...

Wslam, Hampshire Mummy.

Thank you for your kind words and your patience in waiting for my posts. I do hope that I'll bounce back soon!

dhia said...

Salam Hanisa,

Hope that you are doing great. don't worry, things like that will come and go, that's make us a great human. believe in yourself :)

Can't wait for your new post. you are my inspiration, even though we have not met.hehehe.

Goodluck Hanisa :)

Haneesa said...

Wsalam, Dhia,

Thank you for your kind comment.

I am hoping that the month of Ramadan will bring loads of blessings to both you and me and hopefully, I can learn to be "me" again.