July 08, 2009

empty shells.

When I am positive about something, I’m not only trying to psych myself. I am not only trying to be positive just because. I want to be positive. And I want others to be positive with me.

I want to do it because I want to be a positive person. It really isn’t hard once we get into the groove, but getting there is a royal pain in the ass.

You see, most of our problems in life probably begin with perceptions; both of our own and also of others. Sickening as that may seem, it is the truth, and more often than we want or intend, we allow perceptions to bring us down to our lowest, always thinking that we know that nothing could ever change the things people are thinking.

I always hope to change people’s perceptions. I pep talk myself with hopes of pep talking the needy, hence this blog, which probably no one reads for real or takes seriously. But I don’t mind. Because point is, it’s important that I am positive about me. If some of that can rub in on you, then good!

You see, I was nominated and subsequently selected to present a book review this Friday. Yes, this Friday. We were informed yesterday. To be very honest, I love book reviews. I really do. I love books, having been inculcated with such love from such an early age. So I have no qualms about it.

However, the qualm is about the subject matter. After my first reading of the email I received, I thought it must be work-related, good grief, how freaking boring! I am in the Advisory Division and my work is to advice on ICT matters. The more appropriate and of course accredited person to teach on ICT is of course, non other than my boss. I on the other hand, am an expert where fiction is concerned.

But after reading the second email, I came to a conclusion that it need not necessarily relate to my substantive work, but could also be related indirectly to it. Safe to say that at this juncture, I have selected a book and I am happy with my choice.

The only qualm left now is that we would be presenting against the International Affairs Division (better known as IAD). If you are not from around here, you wouldn’t know head and tail about the never ending tug of war, unhealthy competitions and a host of other problems which are just too much to even list. If you are from here, you would know that this has been going on since 2003, and my division has always lost hands down.

Sadly though, a lot of people don’t recognise the officers in my office simply because we are overshadowed way too overly. Honestly, where I work, the majority are people so dedicated about their work, we get intimidated just looking at them. Undeniably, those from IAD have impeccable language, great sense of style, flawless looking make up and of course, charm which shoots way beyond the sky’s limit.

It’s difficult to be placed next to them, without feeling like a terrible midget. And an ugly one at that.

It’s also difficult to not feel utterly inadequate, when put beside them, what with all the external credentials they own, which make them look far more superior to us.

I write this today to put my foot down.

I believe that although this is not a debate or a mooting competition, it will be treated like one, like it or not. But I don’t want to care about it anymore.

I am already terrified by the fact that one of the speakers from IAD would be Melati Abd. Hamid, whose name is synonym to “best mooter”. Whenever her name slips off someone’s tongue, it sends shivers down our spines. Don’t think I am not afraid.

But I believe that I am not that bad either. People have just yet realised that I am more than an empty shell. That I am more than just a contract officer.

And I have no choice but to prove that, and to prove them wrong all at once. I will try to do us proud.

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