July 05, 2009

coming to terms with loss.

yesterday, i called mamita for a spontaneous trip to lowyat. yes, lowyat of all places.

what began as trip to get my dad his thumbdrive and to repair my sister's camera became a trip which saw me verifying my fears that something i lost years ago would never again be mine.

it must have been at least 2 years since i lost my creative muvo slim, but i have yet come to terms with that fact. in fact, each time i am asked where it went to, my reply would be that i had "misplaced" it rather than actually "lost" it.

because the 2 are so different though the end result is the same.

When i so called "lost" my muvo, i attempted to replace it with something similar. yet, after years and years of trying to not compare it with muvo, i have not managed to gel with it. i simply cannot find it in my heart to love it like i loved my muvo.

yesterday confirmed my long standing fears that i could never replace my muvo. we discovered that it was no longer in production and the latest models have taken its place.

i'm surprised i was so surprised.

being a gadget freak to a certain degree, i know for a fact that technology evolves so fast you shouldn't hope for something of the past to be there to stay for long.

may you rest in peace, muvo. i hope whoever stole you from your loving owner (me) loves you just as much. you were a birthday present mama chose with me and for that very reason, i have gotten so attached to you.

***

on another note, on one of the wednesdays a few weeks back, we came to an understanding that it was not meant to be. we realised that it was time we moved on since in this particular case, no news did not mean good news. the silence was deafening to us both. we were crying silent tears in our hearts, knowing that no matter how much we consoled each other, we both knew how much we wanted it.

but why did we want it so bad?

after days of dissecting the reasons, we came to realise that our "niat" might not be all that noble and correct. while we say our noble reasons out loud, no one knows what goes on inside our head, what more what we really, really think in our hearts.

if my doa is "saya nak dating dengan awak hari-hari.", there's actually no wonder why my prayers are not answered yet. maybe it's time i thought it through so that i can amend that thought. i'm glad i have been given this opportunity to repent.

my last memory of you tonight is the thought of you driving away. i don't know why it is so hard this time round. and why it was so hard just seeing that just now. departures have always been my weakest point and i know it. and yet...

maybe nothing can ever explain this feeling. i am not able to even express how much i miss you or how much i wished you didn't have to drive away. i guess i'm still coming to terms with the loss of something which was never meant to be ours.

may there be better things awaiting us. amin.

No comments: