June 11, 2009

slipping through my fingers all the time.


It’s 12.30 p.m. I’m in the office. The boys have gone out for lunch. And Ayu is fasting. I don’t have a car because I came to work with Mama today. The boys said we can go out for lunch together using the motorbike. I said, if they want me dead by the end of today that would be a good idea.

But I’m not ready to die yet, but I want something to eat. So, I told them to bring back Roti John for me.

Patience is a virtue. Especially where food is involved. Haih.

Since I’ve been driving myself to work for so long, I’ve been devoid of morning lectures for weeks until this morning. So, I was a bit dumbstruck, sampai tarik muka masam tak sengaja. Alahai.

Sometimes, I wonder if my mom used to think like all the young moms I know now. Some of the moms I know of or are associated with have projected their children’s progresses and growth far beyond their naked eyes can see.

Sometimes, when I read their blog entries, I want to cry because their fears and pride and joy are so… real. So genuine, that they consume me.

Mama likes to tell me that when it comes to me, they (Babah and herself) don’t know what to do or how to handle. Sometimes, they don’t even know what to say to me when I tell them I want to go on a trip with my office friends. They’re just clueless. Even though the things I want aren’t wrong or dangerous.

Orang kata mereka sangat sayang saya sampai tak tahu apa nak buat.
And you all now I’m not some crazy wild b**ch who does crazy tahapehape things behind their backs.

Cuma sometimes, I like to wear skirts but they don’t like it, so I wear skirts jugak. Tak kira.

Mama says that she’s trying her best to let me go. At one point, she asked me every single day “Bila nak kawin?”. That’s until I got into a row with her and told her to drop the subject. But with every bit of letting go, they keep on pulling some more.

So, actually, things are back at its status quo and nothing much has changed.

Letting go and actually letting go are definitely 2 different things, right?

I don’t think it’s as easy as it seems. And I’m not complaining, really because it’s alright.

Because nothing can be more difficult than letting go of your girl.

I’m still their baby, and I know it. So let it be.

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