who i am not.

Come to think of it, I can never answer Mama’s question on our way back home on Friday. Although at that moment in time, it seemed clear, now I don’t know anymore. I cannot answer that question, but one thing I know is that I am becoming who I AM NOT and who I NEVER INTENDED TO BE and who I was NEVER MEANT TO BE.

After a night out with Mamita and Adlin on Friday, I know now that I am not what I am becoming. I know that they know too, that something must have driven me up the wall to do what I did. They even told me to stop justifying myself because sometimes, people are allowed to feel that way. They know that that person saying those things isn’t who I am. And I know they still know that I never intended to be that person.

Life’s not easy. Life’s not fair. I believe that it was never intended to be easy or fair. But I also believe what easy and fair are, is a matter of perspective. I’d like to think that once we iron out all the things we’ve gone through in life; it’d all be fair in the end. I’d like to think that even if fairness didn’t come to us now, it’d come at some point in our lives.

Positive vibes are my forte. I can meet a stranger and make that stranger laugh. Far from being judgmental, I am the most tolerant person who will (learn to) love that person you have hated since eons ago. I am that person. When I say I’d pick up the phone even if I’m angry at you, I’d do it because hey, I am that person. I am that person you can disappear from and hurt, and I’d still be there for you.

My lecturer will give me an A- just because I never miss classes and participate in class although my answers are wrong. My lecturer will call me up personally to “upgrade” my assignment just because she genuinely believes I forgot to complete a portion of that assignment. You see, I have never really had problems with human relations. I am as human as anyone can get. And I know the many idiosyncrasies which we have to tolerate.

Life has made me go harder on things. Life has taught me to become more critical of people; to not call everyone a friend, to not trust as much as I should and to not live in that moment. But I don’t know if that is at all, any justification for losing a vibe, which was initially my forte

I’d like to still think that I am that person. I’d like to still think that I am not turning into someone I am not. I’d like all this anger to go away from me, please.

I’d like to think that you think of me as me, still. I’d like to get away from being that person I am not.

Please pray that this anger in me subsides. I do not like being who I am becoming because I like being me. I hope u like me that way too.