June 02, 2008

let's make it 38 years, okay?

my hand made walls


On one of our recent outings with his siblings, we were sitting at the edge of the pool, staring at the long and winding slides, waiting for the kids to splash in our faces when he asked me this, “if we’ve done all this together now, what’s left for us to do after we’re married?”

It never occurred to me that he was saving it all for afterwards, insyaAllah.

I always thought that my relationship was weird. I sometimes get tired of going to dinners without a date, going to birthday parties without my partner, not being able to go for holidays on golden beaches, staring at the deep blue sea on the golden stretch of sun with someone. I became quite bitter about it because I thought that we weren’t normal; that I was not on the same page as everyone else.

After last night’s conversation, it became more apparent to me that he was saving it all for later.

I just needed to see reason. If we were near, we’d probably abandon our friends. We’d probably never get out of that group of the same people because we’d be spending every moment together doing things couples do. We’d probably fight all the time and become all clingy and possessive because we had that choice.

Now that we’re so far apart, we don’t have that option. You swim and survive the test of time and distance, or you die.

It’s ironic that I’m the one always reminding him to save it all for later, yet here I am wishing that we did more couple activities together. And to think that I’m the one who’s always reminding him that if we were to tie the knot we’d have each other every single day, for as long as we lived, so we don’t need to do everything together now yet.

Girls often forget that it’s not who they love or who loves them that define who they are; they often give their all after a certain period in a relationship because they think that’s what is expected of them. I know now that I’m not expected to give anything or comply with any rules because to begin with, there never were a set of rules at all. Nothing makes us a normal or abnormal couple. Suffice if we have a deep understanding of each other’s needs and respect that space we all crave sometimes.

I guess each person has their own acuan, you know. So, there’s really no need to compare.

And now, I’m trying not to forget that being far does not make the relationship any weaker and being near does not make it any stronger.

And now, I’m glad that he has made me see reason.

And now, I’m glad that we have made it this far.

And yes, I love you Abdul. Happy 38 months. We’re old but we’re growing old together. So I don’t really mind.

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