papercuts to the heart.

I'm always thinking and wondering.

What if I didn't work as hard as I did. After all, where I am, these individual efforts take time to get recognition. Everyone is accorded the same treatment no matter how good or how sucky one is. It is never quite about the individual. Efforts more or less, go down to waste because not many people are ready to admit that your existence relieves a burden.

Increments go by batches, not performance. Understandably so, with approximately 3,000 staff nationwide, extra individual attention is something one should not expect too often. Or ever at all. It's just the way things work.

But everyone has the disease of "seeing only what they want to see". When someone like me takes off work earlier than usual, it becomes a point of contention; as if it is the most gruesome crime ever committed. Yet, when I forgo my own birthday celebration and stay back until 11, does anyone even want to know?

When I tell the absolute truth about something, people take offence. The statements I make are repeatedly said time and time again, and by the time the last person hears it, it would be a totally and completely different version than what I really said.

Yet, when some other people lay out the truth, their opinions are accepted, even if it was said in the rudest, most frank way possible. If you knew me well enough, you would know that I am far from rude. Blunt, but never rude. So, how come I didn't get away?

I'm wondering whether I should be flattered or annoyed when I am called to do petty things which no one else wants to do. I'm wondering whether it would make a difference to me as a person. I am naturally not a very calculative person, yet I am recalculating my decisions. I have had enough of people telling me that it is all about the experience. Because trust me, it doesn't make much of a difference to anyone around here. At least none that I know of.

I am sorry if I am being recognised but haven't noticed it. It just means that you haven't been telling me enough.

I am not in the position to quit my job. Though I don't have many things on my platter to think of,  I would not be me if I wholly depended on my family for money. I am not in the position to quit this position after almost 2 years because rumour has it that the experience gets better over time. Oh, really.

I am wondering what I should seek wisdom in or who.

It's annoying if I can't even stand KS's voice because hearing his overexcited conversations with the ghost every single day is really getting to me. And he's the one who gets away with everything and still receives the same benefits as myself.

If I were not as conscientious as I am. Or as hardworking. Or as bloody good. I know that it wouldn't make much of a difference.

Yet, I know that then, I wouldn't be me at all.

One day, I want to work in a paper shop making cards. Then, when I get bored of it, you'll hear me blog about how I hate getting papercuts.

People just need a break I guess. And I need mine just about now.

Comments

livingblossoms said…
Hey kakak..hang in there..maybe you need a lil time off..especially if KS is who I think it is..the KS in my mind has a very annoying voice that could one day make you want to kill yourself..seriously.heh.

say hi to eri for me!
Haneesa said…
gee! it's been such a long time since i last saw you and you're flying off already. good for you! you made the right decision to leave :)

yes, of course we are talking about the same KS. he is annoying and has an annoying voice. and i am just waiting for the end of next week because i am SO taking off. i really need this break.

will say hi to eri! she's getting married! :)
HaniRose said…
Hang in there Hanis! That day when all your hard work is recognised will come and it will all be worth it :)

and there's nothing wrong with needing a break. Everyone deserves one and you do too!
Haneesa said…
hani: thanks hani! i'm still waiting very patiently for when that time comes... hopefully it does :)

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