regrets? i have a few.
Long post alert. Needed a medium to let go and I would not be offended if you did not read through. Thank you for dropping by.
I always wonder if anyone has ever lived without regret. I suspect that a lot of people will answer “of course, I have no regrets” and that’s entirely up to you, but I still think that in one’s life, one would have at least one thing they did that they wish they didn’t or vice versa. Don’t be in denial. That counts as regret.
I have regrets. Only they aren’t very recent. But even if they aren’t recent, it doesn’t mean that the regret has receded. Someone will always find a way to wiggle the regret out of you, or worst still, you’ll find yourself talking about that regret with someone for no reason. The out of the blue kind of occasion.
Mine happened last weekend. When I was having a heart-to-heart with little sister. The more she grows, the more like me she is becoming. It scares me because myself at 16 was nothing much to be desired. I obviously want her to have better things than me, so thank God she has better brains.
What were you doing at 16? I can’t quite recall. Or more like, I don’t want to recall. My last 2 years in college is nothing I want to remember.
1. I wish that people didn’t despise me for getting selected for the Student Exchange Programme to go to Japan. Because I know that a lot of people thought that I was unfairly given that chance. Trust me, it was a fair competition. I wrote an essay just like each and every one of you. In fact, when I submitted it, it was the shortest, so I was told. Like ¾ page kind of short. I honestly didn’t think that I would get through that stage even, but I was called for the interview when the most weren’t. The interview was conducted by people whom have never met me and I was asked, “Why do you want to go to Japan?” I told them, “Because I don’t know how the Japanese live. I don’t know how they sleep, eat and bathe. And I want to know about all that.” So they asked me, “So you want to go to Japan just to see how the Japanese sleep?”… To which I answered, “Well, yes, but I would also like to share with the Japanese about Malaysia. It is after all a Student Exchange Programme”. The next thing I know, I was given a return ticket and free one month stay in Japan as an exchange student.
2. In Japan, I wasn’t the inquisitive person I am now. I had internet, but didn’t Google anything beforehand. I just read the manuals about dos and don’ts of Japanese Culture and that was just it. I took many photos but failed to remember the significance of it. I can’t even remember the places I visited, or the food I ate. I was so afraid to ask more than I should and should really have participated more in activities while I was there. And though there were no blogs then, I have always been a journal writer. Only then, I neglected to jot down anything of significance because I was just so… stupid? I should have also studied more (Malaysian Subjects) too, while I was there because it obviously took a toll on my already declining studies.
3. When I got back, I wish the school interview panel listened to me when I was about to be “crowned” with Assistant Head Girl post. I told them that I realise the potential they saw in me, but I just can’t do the job. I can still visualize my shock when my name was being called. I can still remember how small and out of place I felt standing on that stage. After all, with me were 2 other candidates with the best qualities anyone could ever wish for. And though the title and responsibilities given to me were magnanimous, I swear I have never felt smaller in my whole lifetime. That time, I just wished that the earth beneath me opened up so that I would disappear. I knew that people didn’t like me holding that post because they had someone else in mind, yet they had no reasons to hate me. But they didn’t like me either. Get it? That title sure does have a nice ring to it now, like 10 years after, but then, it was a nightmare. Seriously. (But note that I never regretted the friendship bond between myself, Izza and Shebob)
4. I wish I weren’t so lazy during my final year. I wish I had worked on my homework during the holidays, but I didn’t. I left them because I was just uninterested in the life ahead of me.
5. And many people would not believe me if I said that back then I was really, really, stupid, but seriously. I was really stupid. Academically, I was just failing and falling, and not doing much about it. I was afraid to admit that I hated Physics and Bio and didn’t know head and tail about it, and yet, what did I do? I went through everyday like a liar. I knew that I should have dealt with it like I dealt with Add Math. I knew it then, but I just didn’t do it.
6. I wish I wasn’t so emotional and immature about things during the final year in school. But yes, that’s exactly who I was. I wasn’t sure where I was going. I was grappling in the dark, trying to understand who I was, trying to gain a footing in something. I wasn’t sure why people hated me for doing my job. I didn’t know which activities were best for me. I stopped going out for sports the result of which I grew to a whopping 56 kilo. I wish my heart didn’t sink each time I went back to school. But it did. And I died with each sinking. And my love for College declined with that dying. What a shame.
7. I wish people didn’t leave me out of things just because I was a prefect and a headgirl. I wish I didn’t lose my bestfriend of many years because of all of this. I wish I didn’t write that letter that changed us. I wish I could have just held my tongue a bit. But, as always.
8. I wish that I was happier during my Grad Night, but I wasn’t. I was just going through the motions. I was just floating and going through the night. I cannot remember anything of significance; not even my table mates. I can’t remember what other people wore or the people who were there. I wasn’t even excited receiving my Sijil. I had dwindled down to an emotional wreck with nothing to look forward to.
I wish I spent my last years in college enjoying myself, and the people around me. But I didn’t. It even took me a while to rejoin other people. It took me a while to realise that I can now stop being the person people expected me to be, because I am, after all, better off being the person I really, really am.
I’m thankful that a bunch of you have taken the trouble to include me into all your activities nowadays. It honestly feels good to finally belong. Thank you for loving me as who I am.
I can now slowly let my regret go.
I always wonder if anyone has ever lived without regret. I suspect that a lot of people will answer “of course, I have no regrets” and that’s entirely up to you, but I still think that in one’s life, one would have at least one thing they did that they wish they didn’t or vice versa. Don’t be in denial. That counts as regret.
I have regrets. Only they aren’t very recent. But even if they aren’t recent, it doesn’t mean that the regret has receded. Someone will always find a way to wiggle the regret out of you, or worst still, you’ll find yourself talking about that regret with someone for no reason. The out of the blue kind of occasion.
Mine happened last weekend. When I was having a heart-to-heart with little sister. The more she grows, the more like me she is becoming. It scares me because myself at 16 was nothing much to be desired. I obviously want her to have better things than me, so thank God she has better brains.
What were you doing at 16? I can’t quite recall. Or more like, I don’t want to recall. My last 2 years in college is nothing I want to remember.
1. I wish that people didn’t despise me for getting selected for the Student Exchange Programme to go to Japan. Because I know that a lot of people thought that I was unfairly given that chance. Trust me, it was a fair competition. I wrote an essay just like each and every one of you. In fact, when I submitted it, it was the shortest, so I was told. Like ¾ page kind of short. I honestly didn’t think that I would get through that stage even, but I was called for the interview when the most weren’t. The interview was conducted by people whom have never met me and I was asked, “Why do you want to go to Japan?” I told them, “Because I don’t know how the Japanese live. I don’t know how they sleep, eat and bathe. And I want to know about all that.” So they asked me, “So you want to go to Japan just to see how the Japanese sleep?”… To which I answered, “Well, yes, but I would also like to share with the Japanese about Malaysia. It is after all a Student Exchange Programme”. The next thing I know, I was given a return ticket and free one month stay in Japan as an exchange student.
2. In Japan, I wasn’t the inquisitive person I am now. I had internet, but didn’t Google anything beforehand. I just read the manuals about dos and don’ts of Japanese Culture and that was just it. I took many photos but failed to remember the significance of it. I can’t even remember the places I visited, or the food I ate. I was so afraid to ask more than I should and should really have participated more in activities while I was there. And though there were no blogs then, I have always been a journal writer. Only then, I neglected to jot down anything of significance because I was just so… stupid? I should have also studied more (Malaysian Subjects) too, while I was there because it obviously took a toll on my already declining studies.
3. When I got back, I wish the school interview panel listened to me when I was about to be “crowned” with Assistant Head Girl post. I told them that I realise the potential they saw in me, but I just can’t do the job. I can still visualize my shock when my name was being called. I can still remember how small and out of place I felt standing on that stage. After all, with me were 2 other candidates with the best qualities anyone could ever wish for. And though the title and responsibilities given to me were magnanimous, I swear I have never felt smaller in my whole lifetime. That time, I just wished that the earth beneath me opened up so that I would disappear. I knew that people didn’t like me holding that post because they had someone else in mind, yet they had no reasons to hate me. But they didn’t like me either. Get it? That title sure does have a nice ring to it now, like 10 years after, but then, it was a nightmare. Seriously. (But note that I never regretted the friendship bond between myself, Izza and Shebob)
4. I wish I weren’t so lazy during my final year. I wish I had worked on my homework during the holidays, but I didn’t. I left them because I was just uninterested in the life ahead of me.
5. And many people would not believe me if I said that back then I was really, really, stupid, but seriously. I was really stupid. Academically, I was just failing and falling, and not doing much about it. I was afraid to admit that I hated Physics and Bio and didn’t know head and tail about it, and yet, what did I do? I went through everyday like a liar. I knew that I should have dealt with it like I dealt with Add Math. I knew it then, but I just didn’t do it.
6. I wish I wasn’t so emotional and immature about things during the final year in school. But yes, that’s exactly who I was. I wasn’t sure where I was going. I was grappling in the dark, trying to understand who I was, trying to gain a footing in something. I wasn’t sure why people hated me for doing my job. I didn’t know which activities were best for me. I stopped going out for sports the result of which I grew to a whopping 56 kilo. I wish my heart didn’t sink each time I went back to school. But it did. And I died with each sinking. And my love for College declined with that dying. What a shame.
7. I wish people didn’t leave me out of things just because I was a prefect and a headgirl. I wish I didn’t lose my bestfriend of many years because of all of this. I wish I didn’t write that letter that changed us. I wish I could have just held my tongue a bit. But, as always.
8. I wish that I was happier during my Grad Night, but I wasn’t. I was just going through the motions. I was just floating and going through the night. I cannot remember anything of significance; not even my table mates. I can’t remember what other people wore or the people who were there. I wasn’t even excited receiving my Sijil. I had dwindled down to an emotional wreck with nothing to look forward to.
I wish I spent my last years in college enjoying myself, and the people around me. But I didn’t. It even took me a while to rejoin other people. It took me a while to realise that I can now stop being the person people expected me to be, because I am, after all, better off being the person I really, really am.
I’m thankful that a bunch of you have taken the trouble to include me into all your activities nowadays. It honestly feels good to finally belong. Thank you for loving me as who I am.
I can now slowly let my regret go.
Comments
No worries kak, we're no more in college now. by right, im so happy that all of us can be ourselves now and seriously, who cares now kan? Glad that atleast we're closer now.
Jom join night marathon this Sat @ putrajaya, mau?
Loving my asst.headgirl, always.
there's one thing i envy you most, this statement: "It honestly feels good to finally belong." i haven't felt that in my 24+ years. maybe eventually i will. but till the day comes, i can only hope.
and why do you envy me? you belong with us! it was never the same without you around and we're damn glad you made a comeback. so, please. no nonsense. you'll always belong with us :)