September 03, 2009

mangsa keadaan.

I have been told straight to my face before that I play “victim” very well. Thing is, someone who can’t act (me) can’t play that role well unless that person is experiencing it, correct?

Saya taknak menyalahkan keadaan. Akan tetapi, kadangkala, memang keadaanlah masalahnya. Keadaan merupakan masalah yang paling besar.

Dah 1 tahun 2 bulan saya bekerja. Guess what? Masalah saya setahun yang lepas memang tak selesai lagi. Hari ini, saya telah nekad untuk mengubah nasib saya.

Sitting in that meeting today made me realise that I can never prove how invaluable I can be to them. They can never appreciate me. Perhaps, never ever will.

I have never been given my fair chance of proving my worth. Semuanya tak boleh buat kerana “dia junior”. Semuanya terlalu kompleks kerana dia hanya “contract officer”. It is not funny anymore, as much as a joke it is. What’s the point of having 5 officers in the Unit jika mereka hanya melihat mereka berdua sahaja sebagai officer?

It’s better off without me, setuju?

Dulu, masa saya baru-baru masuk kerja, KU saya terus pass saya kepada Ro. I suffered. The first 6 months of my working life was literally working hell.

Pindah Unit dan dapat Boss yang baik dan kuat mengajar. Pindahkan Unit pula just when I was learning the good things. Masuk balik dengan Ro dan kena buli dengan baik sekali. Apa dia ingat aku kuli ke apa? Kemudian, pairing system diwujudkan dan saya di pair dengan manusia baik dan pandai yang menerima pandangan saya dan ajar saya dengan baik. Tak sampai sehari, tukarkan Unit semua orang.

Itu namanya dengki.

4 Units in a year and you thought I have learnt alot? No. I have not. It is no longer funny. My working life sucks and everything around it is not falling into place the way I thought it would. You win some, you lose some. At this point, I am losing all. My intelligence and my sanity. Thank God for my blog.

Saya masuk dengan harapan tinggi dan semangat jitu. Now, I am just a soulless little girl going through the motions. It is not funny anymore.

I cannot wait to be a student. I make a better student than a worker. Kerana pensyarah sentiasa beri ilmu tanpa rasa kedekut dan appreciate orang yang strive untuk jadi pandai. Itu macam saya. Saya tak pandai, tapi saya cuba.

Tapi, yang bagusnya, employer saya akan bayar gaji saya tapi lecturer saya akan sayang saya.

Life is good. Tak sabar rasanya nak mengubah nasib sendiri.

Selama ini saya duduk macam tunggul kayu yang bodoh dan menerima semua seadanya. Tidak lagi.

I cannot take it anymore.

Hopefully everything else will fall into place. I need to shift my focus points.

7 comments:

muka bulat mcm donut said...

nak buat apa ni??nak pegi mana?? dont let me be the last to know!!(nyanyi lagu britney pls)tapi i agree. kita semua pelajar yang baik kerana rship dkt situ lebih positive.you study hard, you gain respect, your lecturers n peers acknowledge your work, and then you reward yourself with markah yang cemerlang! how i wish dkt office ada such a system!

freespirited12 said...

oh, tak kemana. mana lagi kalau bukan uitm? i am thinking of doing dlsa. i cannot take this anymore.

mmg we are not recognised for our strengths. letih dah. boleh pengsan.

the loss is on them, don't you think so.

Caffeine Addict said...

Ye awak, the loss is on them, definitely!!!

I think you made a good decision to take up a course, - desperate measure to preserve your sanity!

freespirited12 said...

yes, ayu. i am happy with my decision. i have to wait it out a little bit. and see where i can go from there.

too many things are falling out of place and i am getting stupider by the day.

i will try to make an excellent student out of myself again.

chibimoruku said...

DLSA? this is shocking (ingat rajes pls) haha... good for u! just takut letih gile je =)

sabar k, dunno wat else to say... jom la g makan sambil luahkan perasaan..

p/s: singgahla moot comp 5th ni then g buke nak nak??

freespirited12 said...

i know shocking skit, tapi takpe :) mmg akan letih habis la because my weekends will be taken up, but that's okay. better than nothing. i need to preserve whatever my brain can savour.

i want to go on the 5th but i am not so sure whether or not i can because that night i will have to go to my auntie's house in setiawangsa. so this weekend is no good for me!

freespirited12 said...

i know shocking skit, tapi takpe :) mmg akan letih habis la because my weekends will be taken up, but that's okay. better than nothing. i need to preserve whatever my brain can savour.

i want to go on the 5th but i am not so sure whether or not i can because that night i will have to go to my auntie's house in setiawangsa. so this weekend is no good for me!