September 25, 2008

presence

Hujan

The entire way to work, I listened to Everlong 3 times until I could even imitate the strum of the guitars. Thank you for remembering the rain and the cendol. Last night I slept smiling knowing how present you were all those times...

It meant a lot to me, although it is one of the things I least expected you to remember. May there be many more surprises like last night’s.

I heart you. Sangat.
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I’m sorry.

I was reading Hanim’s blog and I realized the there is so much truth in what she wrote. Just one simple question, in which I think no one really has the answer to. Why would anyone be your friend on Friendster and Facebook when you aren’t really friends outside the cyberworld. Sort of doesn’t make sense, kan Hanim?

Sometimes, I wish my egotism were smaller. It’s so, so, so HUGE, I don’t even know how to deflate it. But at least I’m brave enough to admit that I have an ego so huge that it’s a pain in the ass (even for me).

How to make myself more compassionate about things? How to be more curious? How to leave a message on someone’s wall without them leaving a message first? To me, it’s always been about reciprocity. But I’m starting to realize what a sickening concept it really is.

There’s nothing really wrong in messaging someone “happy birthday!even when they forget yours, right? There’s really nothing wrong with sending out a “hi” or “how are you” even when they didn’t do it first right?

Really, there really is nothing wrong.

But I’m always waiting for someone to do it first, just to see if anyone actually thinks of me, or if someone actually remembers me without me having to remind them of my existence.

But then again, if America didn’t put itself on the map, it wouldn’t be on the map now, would it? Or if Tunku Abdul Rahman didn’t claim independence for Malaysia, we would still be… “Tanah Melayu, colony of Great Britain.”

I realize now that I have to be the one making more effort. I realize now that the only way for one to be remembered is by putting themselves on the map, where one can be seen, even if it is for the simplest of reasons.

Cik Natrah, I’m so sorry I didn’t message you on your birthday. Cik Natrah was my firm mate who stood up for me… ALL THE TIME. Even when I was super tough on them. She was my super rock who made sure no one hurt me. Eventhough it's just Fai yang suka kacau saya main-main.

Nadd Haridan, I’m sorry I didn’t message you on your birthday. Somehow, I feel like I’ve lost you because you haven’t been picking up my calls and haven’t been returning my messages. Actually, you’re part of that handful that I have left, and now, I’ve lost you too. What happened to our bingeing night outs? I miss you.

Apan, I’m sorry I did not make an effort to see you in Shah Alam for your 23rd gorgeous party. I had every intention to, but Putrajaya is so far away. But then again, I could have just driven there, not that I don’t have a car. I hate the excuses I make for myself.

Maybe that’s why no one does any surprise birthday parties for me or makes me feel like I belong to any group.

I’ve probably failed to make myself present at all…

I so have to start doing something. Living like a non-existent is just going to make me live in regret...

6 comments:

Hanim said...

kakak,plz don't feel that way. we remember u okai? nanti we celebrate ur birthday HUGEE punye=)tau...tau..WE HEART U!!

Iezu said...

i wrote about more or less the same thing you did, though i un-publish it later on.

i read zaza's blog, i mcm jealous tahap dewa k. the surprise party and her "BGFFs" and everything la..

i never had that. at least when you posted this entry, ade org respond. sucks being me haa...

ude said...

mm..kakak..im the one who always make an effort to msg someone..there nothing wrong right if i said.."aku teringat ko"..kan? but, i will definately get the answer.."dun say that..i hate it"..im the one who always msg this someone mase besday die..even i know die x pnah tau pon besday ude..sometimes, its better to be quiet rather than getting the answer that will definately hurt you..rite?

freespirited12 said...

hanim: tq darling! you've always, always been great :)

din: we always think that the grass is greener on the other side kan? is there something wrong with us? that makes us.. depressed? and so depressing... aih..

ude: ude... bagus la ada orang macam kamu yang always make the effort to initiate something... it hurts to get a reply that you don't want kan. but at least you know that you've tried... cheer up okay? :)

Dini Azahar said...

dear, what was that celebration thingy @ chilli's.it was your surprise party as well though it was a belated one;)

plus, we don't have to belong to a group to make us feel happy. we don't have to create one to be happy. coz all your friends are your group! juzz buzz us;)

freespirited12 said...

cikdinie:
yeah! how can i forget how great it is to have great friends like you & the entire gang...

i was merely stating i guess, how frustrating it is that some people have cliques and groups and sometimes don't make other people feel belonged.

and thanks for calling today darl. need any help for your wedding pls buzz us :)