presence

Hujan

The entire way to work, I listened to Everlong 3 times until I could even imitate the strum of the guitars. Thank you for remembering the rain and the cendol. Last night I slept smiling knowing how present you were all those times...

It meant a lot to me, although it is one of the things I least expected you to remember. May there be many more surprises like last night’s.

I heart you. Sangat.
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I’m sorry.

I was reading Hanim’s blog and I realized the there is so much truth in what she wrote. Just one simple question, in which I think no one really has the answer to. Why would anyone be your friend on Friendster and Facebook when you aren’t really friends outside the cyberworld. Sort of doesn’t make sense, kan Hanim?

Sometimes, I wish my egotism were smaller. It’s so, so, so HUGE, I don’t even know how to deflate it. But at least I’m brave enough to admit that I have an ego so huge that it’s a pain in the ass (even for me).

How to make myself more compassionate about things? How to be more curious? How to leave a message on someone’s wall without them leaving a message first? To me, it’s always been about reciprocity. But I’m starting to realize what a sickening concept it really is.

There’s nothing really wrong in messaging someone “happy birthday!” even when they forget yours, right? There’s really nothing wrong with sending out a “hi” or “how are you” even when they didn’t do it first right?

Really, there really is nothing wrong.

But I’m always waiting for someone to do it first, just to see if anyone actually thinks of me, or if someone actually remembers me without me having to remind them of my existence.

But then again, if America didn’t put itself on the map, it wouldn’t be on the map now, would it? Or if Tunku Abdul Rahman didn’t claim independence for Malaysia, we would still be… “Tanah Melayu, colony of Great Britain.”

I realize now that I have to be the one making more effort. I realize now that the only way for one to be remembered is by putting themselves on the map, where one can be seen, even if it is for the simplest of reasons.

Cik Natrah, I’m so sorry I didn’t message you on your birthday. Cik Natrah was my firm mate who stood up for me… ALL THE TIME. Even when I was super tough on them. She was my super rock who made sure no one hurt me. Eventhough it's just Fai yang suka kacau saya main-main.

Nadd Haridan, I’m sorry I didn’t message you on your birthday. Somehow, I feel like I’ve lost you because you haven’t been picking up my calls and haven’t been returning my messages. Actually, you’re part of that handful that I have left, and now, I’ve lost you too. What happened to our bingeing night outs? I miss you.

Apan, I’m sorry I did not make an effort to see you in Shah Alam for your 23rd gorgeous party. I had every intention to, but Putrajaya is so far away. But then again, I could have just driven there, not that I don’t have a car. I hate the excuses I make for myself.

Maybe that’s why no one does any surprise birthday parties for me or makes me feel like I belong to any group.

I’ve probably failed to make myself present at all…

I so have to start doing something. Living like a non-existent is just going to make me live in regret...