September 11, 2008

Don’t look back in anger


Ever gone through something in your life and then never figured out why it happened and then came to a halt and started thinking about why and when and how it happened?

I’m sure that most, if not all of us have.

When I walked away, I was so certain that I would never look back. But then again, aren’t we so certain all the time? More so when anger is at the vergeof jumping off that cliff and there’s no place to vent. So, yes, I walked away. Not many people know because none of us ever made a big deal out of it. After all, it was a private conflict in which no one is entitled to share and be a part of.

Sometimes I wonder if we were ever normal. Like the things we did on a weekly basis together or the things we talked about. Were they ever real? Or was it just one of those superficial friendships which looked all glossy and shiny on the surface when in fact, there was a storm brewing.

Truth to be told, I don’t really know.

I’m sure when it started and I know how and why. Betrayal. Lack of communication. And not to mention complacency on both parts just turned us into the persons we now are.

This; it’s really complicated.

Sometimes I can’t believe I called you my sister; my friend. Sometimes, I think it was because you became a person I would normally hate (but tolerated nonetheless) and I on the other hand, became a less tolerant person just because. We just became 2 people who were so similar yet so different.

Now, in retrospect, I can’t really believe those words that went unsaid. The hatred running through my veins. It’s not that I like feeling it. It just happens and I don’t know why.

So unsure I was that someone pointed out that there was a very thin line between love and hate. As we all know it.

The weirdest thing is; I don’t hate people. Never been a hater. Maybe I whine. Maybe I kutuk a bit or a lot but no one can help it and what I normally feel about something is normally far from hatred. Far from it.

I know I shouldn’t look back in anger. In fact, I’m not angry… but only when I’m not looking at all.

The only problem is, when I start looking, the anger seeps through me like a poisonous venom with no antidote.

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