May 27, 2008

packing up and moving in

goodbye Baiduri

see that Kembara? that's mine!

mamita my ever so loyal friend... cum model for the camera

the roads i'll miss

It’s been almost 10 years since I last stayed at my parents’ place. Imagine that; I’ve been away ever since I was 13 years of age and continued to be away during my Varsity years. I’ve never really stayed at home before except for several weekends. And being home for the holidays is a different thing altogether because I just know that at some point, I’ll head back to Baiduri again. This time, I’m moving in for real.

The feeling is... BITTERSWEET. Call me weird and ungrateful if you want to but you’d feel exactly the same if you were me. It’s just the same as changing flatmates, if you’re trying to imagine. Only this time round, these flatmates will never fail to fuss over you like you were still 13. I know, I know. Some parents don’t fuss at all and this makes their children sad. But I am almost an adult now, you know. At some point, they’ll have to let me fly free.

As of now, things are a lot better. They don’t push me to come back home when I can’t and basically just let me be. I’ve proven certain things to them which I think (I hope) have made them see how much I’ve grown. I haven’t exactly been the conforming little girl though. There are some times when I rebel and do (some) things (not stupid things, stupid!) which are not within their knowledge. Because if I don’t do those things (like going out at night), I’d never really get the chance to do it. Seriously. You can ask my friends of how tough it could be to get me out of the house at night. And just in case you didn’t already know, I’m no party girl. So, you can imagine my definition of having fun; very, very mellow fun indeed. I’m even thankful if I get to eat out for dinner because I’m so busy.

Probably, it’s just my paranoia eating me. I’m 23 and moving in. don’t you think it should be like the other way round? 23 and moving out? Haha. So ironic the way things turn out. The good things about home are that... well, I don’t have to call my mom if I have anything that I wanted to talk about; I just have to run to her room. I’ve got internet (paid for) though we’re still fighting over who gets to use the computer. The free flow of free food and coffee is also to die for.

But, having stayed on my own for so long; I know I will crave space for: crying alone for nonsensical reasons, not wanting to eat because I just don’t want to. Wanting to cook something that the rest won’t really want to eat, washing and... probably just getting in the car at whatever time and go out with whomever I want to wherever perhaps? Yes, I think I will miss the space of being able to do whatever I want at my own time and space. What am I expecting? I’m living under their roofs at their mercy!

I should really do some self-reflection and start to be grateful? Yes? Yes, I think so too. Now that I’ve put it in so many words, I do really feel like a selfish bitch. There, I’ve said it. Makes me feel alot better too. I should start sucking in all this negativity and start being thankful. Shame on me. *smack on my face* padan muka.


aliahafiza said...

kakak dearest,
i cant believed that it had been 10years we've been away from home...yeah, like u said, i gonna be like u too - moving back home until i get a job offer which i dont even know when it'll be..*sigh~ please pray for me,k?? mama called me just now, asked me to pack some of my stuffs so that i can passed it ayah tomorrow (insyaAllah ayah will be dropping here to collect it as he's on the way back to perlis)..biase la bdak college,kalo balek rumah tu mcm nk kna sewa lori ..hehehe...

About going out late at night, to tell u the truth, I think we're in the same shoes..quite rare to see me out of the house at night (even to the nearest 7-11,ok??). Somehow, early of this month, i did join my coursemate to Lata Kinjang and at night, we're having bbq party in 1 of our friend's house. FYI, mama keep on calling me to ask me where am I now... Have I gone back to hostel or not..bla bla bla~ She's so worried bout me... may be we should understand our parents feeling with current issues that happened now...

ok kakak,have fun staying at home.. bear in mind that our parents always want the best things to be with us.. take care and all da best for ur future undertaking...

freespirited12 said...

thanks aera! i kind of understand what they are going through. i guess i'd be scared too, if i were a parent. tapi biasa la kan. darah muda. ada degil skit. skarang kakak tgh ada problem nak sumbat stuff in the kembara sbb kat sini mmg macam ada satu lorry :D

you take care too ok ok