April 19, 2008

change

I can live on Alien v. Predator doughnuts from Big Apple plus Nescafe every day. Seriously, thanks to Hadi I am now perpetually stuck on Big Apple doughnuts and thanks to Mami, I’m like the biggest fan of coffee. I was so gobsmacked by how good the Alien tasted (despite having tasted it loads of times already) that I smudged the chocolate filling all over my mouth while gobbling it. I think some are even on my nose. But seriously, I can’t be bothered because it happens all the time anyways.

Right now, I’m alone at home in Baiduri. Nowadays, it seems like no one stays at home much anymore. Everyone is always out, doing their own stuff. And besides, we’re all drowned in our sea of work, which seems endless even (or especially!) towards the end of the semester. I’ve still got my notes of proceedings to revise on and also written submission for my Mock Trial. All of this sucks but I don’t think I have a choice.

Like I’ve mentioned time and time again, it’s all coming to an end soon. Formal education has ended actually, and we’re left with the final battle which I think wouldn’t be easy to win this time round. The semester hasn’t exactly been a satisfactory one for me. It’s got nothing to do with the problems I faced last semester with my firm mates and stuff of that sort. I guess all of that just needed some adjustments. This semester just saw me all burnt out and tired from pushing and pushing and pushing my limits day in day out. Now, serves me right for not listening to Mama and Abdul. Both have repeatedly reminded me not to outdo myself. I guess they both know better since they’ve both started working and have been working for so long.

The thing about everything ending is that everything is going to CHANGE. The other day, Mami raised this point but I didn’t quite get it then. To be utterly honest, I’m quite excited about working. I guess I need the change and probably the financial independence though it scares the hell out me knowing that Babah will no longer deposit money into my account. I think I’ll have to bat my eyelashes and do the puppy-dog-pout so that he’ll have mercy on me and support me for at least until the end of this year until I’m financially stable and comfortable. I wish. But I’m seriously hoping. *praying hard*

This year is truly a year of changes. I’ve had to deal with a longer-distance relationship, which is very hard to cope with, admittedly. I’ve had to deal with a sister who is growing up so fast now that I think I have to finally own up to my age because she looks up to me like I’m some kind of idol. I know she doesn’t say it, but somehow or rather, I just know. I’ve had to deal with my best man leaving (Abang! If you read this, please know that you are deeply missed!), which saw me being in tears for quite a while.

My parents are going through some changes too. My maid is back in Indonesia and claims that she’ll be back soon. But she’s not back yet. And knowing my Mama, she’s not going to press the issue because she is a believer in the phrase “Allah will only give you what is best”. And so, the both of them have to deal with household chores which they’ve both abandoned for quite some time. They’re coping very, very well and they can joke about it every time they see me. I think they kind of enjoy it actually, after all these years.

And soon, they’ll have to deal with me starting work. Some people ask me where I’m headed after I finish UiTM. I tell them I’m going to the AG’s Chambers. Some people question me on my choices because they feel that I shouldn’t put whatever limited talent I have to waste. Going to the AG’s Chambers may be a waste to some people. And that may only be because they fit the profile of a person who is cut and built for working in firms.

Having come from a family where both my parents began working as civil servants, they both have no objections to me beginning my career in the civil service. I do honestly want to try reading in Chambers (Chambering for 9 months) but somehow, my inclinations are otherwise. Reading in Chambers is just something I think about every now and then and I’m sure that my opportunities would come in different forms than those who work in the legal firms. I’m sure that something is made for everyone. It’s just a matter of time before we come to realise where our strengths lie. It’s only a matter of patience before we know what we really want out of this life.

I know money is a necessary evil. I will not deny that money is everything at this time and age. But sometimes, just sometimes, it isn’t. Mama always told me that I’d need a lot of patience working for the Government. She’s reminded me time and time again that I cannot expect to earn RM 6, 000 in the first year, like my friends probably would. And that’s because I wouldn’t be constantly graded like my friends would. And my merits won’t always be recognised because that’s just the way things work in the Government. She’s reminded me time and time again that there will be ass kissers who will climb the ladder a lot faster than me, who works hard and that the experience will be very, very frustrating and discouraging.

But PATIENCE is my middle name, no joking.

And looking at my own mother, I know that she is content. She’s never complained about her pay, which is pittance in comparison with her workload. She works longer hours than my dad, okay. But she’s just content because her children have never been admitted to the hospital, Alhamdulillah. We’ve always gotten good results. We are so tolerant of each other and so close-knit that other people gawk at the sight of us 3 siblings walking hand in hand in malls. We don’t run into the law or overly and inappropriately socialise with the wrong people. All in all, we’ve all just been pretty good. For her, that is more than she can ask for from Allah.

So, I know it may be a little bit un-ambitious of me to answer “I’ll go the AG’s Chambers after this”. But the time and opportunity will come for me to improve myself. And I’m sure that my incentives would come in different forms. I’ll just have to be content with whatever blessings I have and pray hard that the best will come my way, or that I cross the path which leads to the best.

p.s: Hadi, I’m sorry I couldn’t answer your question last night. I hope this post helps you in your thinking of possible options. I’m sure something out there is made for you, okay? :)

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