a letter from the heart.

February 14, 2012

a letter from the heart.

I would have just updated my Twitter about this as this doesn't exactly need a whole blog post to it.

BUT.

Old habits die hard and I have (yet again!) left my handphone somewhere on my bed, probably under the pillows before I left for work.

So, here I am without a handphone and without Twitter, so hello Blogger.

I just have this to say -

My baby loves to be massaged. Each time I need reassurance that he's okay, all I have to do is to massage my tummy a bit, and he'll respond. So maybe I'm imagining things, but believe me I can almost feel his contentment each time I usap my tummy.

And while I'm at it, I'll just say a few more things to my boy.

My Dear Lil' Boy,

Last night, as I lay in bed, I thought of how much longer it would be before I would get to see your face. Not just through ultrasound scans, but physically. I longed to hold you in my arms, to kiss you, cuddle you and to play with your tiny little feet.

Yes, I am crazy about your tiny little feet because most times, it's your tiny feet that I get to see and feel most. Sometimes, I know you're playing with your fingers too because they are oh-so-halus that each time you decide to tag at your cord, or scratch me, you make me want to pee! It's as if you actually enjoy hearing me squeal in geli-geli each time you korek-korek whatever it is inside my belly that you have regarded as your toy, for now.

I decided though, that as much as I couldn't wait to see you, I'd have to be patient and let nature take its course. You will know the right time to come out into the world and I sure do hope all the doa that I have been making for us all will be granted. There is nothing more I want in this world at this moment than a safe delivery and for both our health and happiness.

Actually, Mama just wants you to know that Mama is glad you're such a Mama's boy. Though Daddy seems to think you're "anak Daddy" because I have been eating mostly the food he loves throughout this pregnancy and of course, you really do have very long legs, I think you're more me than him. For one, you love the massages I give you, especially on your back. Just like Mama. I love massages too, you know. Always puts me to sleep.

Well, naturally, we're both fighting over who you're more likely to be like, seeing that you are, at this exact moment, our heart and soul. I don't think you'll ever understand our excitement and anticipation in meeting you. It seems to trump everything else, you're really literally all we think of everyday!

But like it or not, in that bandwagon of crazy moms out there, there I am - always afraid that you will never love me the same way I love you. You see, boy, unlike your Daddy who tells you on almost a daily basis that he loves you, I am not so overt with affection. In fact, sometimes, I talk to you with my heart, just hoping that you would be able to "hear" me somehow. On some rare occasions, I would sing to you songs like "Lagu 3 Kupang" or "Tepuk Amai-amai" because those songs amuse me. Yet, despite not telling you how much I love you, my heart is bursting with this love I cannot really explain. I guess you will never understand; no one ever will.

I know it's silly to hope that you'd know how much I love you without me telling you. Because if no one told me they loved me, I wouldn't know it either. Sometimes, it's just not enough to simply "show" because in the end, it's the words you say that matter.

And of course, unlike waiting for nature to take its course with your delivery, it's silly to just hope that you'd naturally love me as much as I love you, just because I am your mother; I'd have to be a great mom to you before you can ever regard me with that much love, right? I have seen enough to know that a mother cannot expect reciprocity from her child because that’s just the way of the world.

I have totally digressed from my original intention of writing this – which I am not quite sure what it is anymore. I just hope that when you grow older, you would not choose to love either one of us more, simply based on the fact that one of us is more overt with affection. In a nutshell, I hope that you would grow to love us both equally, despite our shortcomings. For now, I hope that you feel that silent love I am showering you, through my massages and (really bad) singing. It may not be enough for you and I know it but I’ll get around to telling you how much I love you more, okay?

But when and if we ever come to a point where you feel like I don’t love you, I hope you’d be smart enough to look me up on the internet, so that you can come across this letter from the heart from me to you, and come to the knowledge that I’ve never quite loved anyone like this before.

You can consider yourself an exception, because that’s really who you are.

I knew that I’d love you, but I wasn’t prepared for this much love. In fact, it’s kind of bursting in my heart, I’m starting to tear so I’d better stop.

Love, Mama