February 22, 2012

curiousity in progress.

Week 34, and oh yes, I’m still at work! I’ve been getting a lot of queries as to when I’ll be leaving office and my answer so far has been, “Bila beranak lah!”. I don’t plan on taking leave any time earlier as my job doesn’t involve me going to court or outstation and my immediate boss is well aware of my due date, so she’s given me the greenlight to remind her to put me on “bed rest” when I hit the one month mark to my due date so that she won’t send me for meetings out of office, which would require me to drive or travel alone.

Having that settled makes me feel settled, so yes, I am still at work ;)

Meanwhile, I am trying my best to contribute to my team for as long as I could so that I won’t leave them with half-baked opinions or unfinished business. It’s good to know that my brain’s functioning quite well, still (despite nodding off to lalaland on occasions!) and that I could be of some use to the office.

But, I’ve been pretty quiet of late, haven’t I?

Truth is, these past couple of weekends have been quite eventful, what with make-up workshops and family functions and all! However, I’ve been extremely tired too. My weight gain and fatigue are finally catching up on me and I find that I have to (finally!) submit to not being as agile or energetic as before. My body’s telling me I need the break and the break is what I’m currently giving it.

So, no more late nights dedicated to update my blog so that I have some entries to auto-publish the next few days. Sometimes, I want to stay up a lil’ later, but well... if I can’t even get past putting one sock on before going to bed without panting (bending down is indeed a chore these days), I can pretty much kiss burning the midnight oil goodbye.

xxx

Well, anyways, these past few weeks, I’ve been getting some kind of revelation at work, actually. I read this lady’s blog (have always been a silent reader!) and I found myself second-guessing what it is that I want to do for the rest of my life – would I want to do what I’m doing now until the day I die (or asked to retire?) or do I have something else in mind.

After some soul-searching, I really don’t know. But I’m not that ashamed because I know of tons of people who don’t know as well. I have been thinking, if I were asked to choose to do something other than what I am doing, what would I do?

And to be honest, I am at a lost. I don’t know. Feels like I’ve been doing this thing I’ve been doing for ages now and though I sometimes get tired of it, I can’t say I don’t enjoy it either. I think I can safely say that some part of me tells me I have become indifferent.

And... well, I think that is the reason why I can’t seem to think of something else I might have the slightest passion in, which to a certain extent is quite worrying really. I can’t even say now that I want to bake or write or teach or make greeting cards more than whatever I’m doing right now, so yes, that is basically the degree of my indifference, if you must know.

Realising that I am “stuck” (at least for the moment) in a limbo, where I don’t know what it is I really want to do, I decided that I had better improve on my job. I can’t be doing my job simply because I need the money (no matter how important!) or simply because I want to please my boss; I need to do it because I know that I will come to a point where I would need some convincing that I myself, am satisfied.

Having said that, I have been trying to improve on my research skills. Have never really been good at it and of course, that is because I’ve never really been a fan. But more and more, I find myself respecting those in the research line because research not only requires patience, but also skill. And a curiousity that goes beyond curiousity.

I know for a fact that I have the patience, but the skill and curiousity? Most definitely not enough to make me sound (or even feel like the slightest bit!) more intelligent than my colleagues who are skillful researchers.

Basically, these past few days have been dedicated to making myself a better researcher and by that, I mean that I have been going to the library more to look for “better” sources instead of turning to Google because we all know that if I start Googling things, I’m just going to end up looking up for which potato is better for making potato salad and which website has the better recipe for making banana cake.

So, yes. That’s basically where I’ve been in a huge nutshell; around and pretty much in a very reflective mood.

And with that I end my wordy Wednesday entry! Have a great week everyone! And happy “researching”! Even if it means you are “researching” yourself (re: soul searching)!


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