October 24, 2010

heavy stuff.


Have you ever heard of cold feet?

Oh, no. Have I jumped on the cold wagon unnecessarily too? Honestly? No, I haven’t.

Takkanlah lagi 2 bulan saya dengan secara gatalnya nak pergi fikir, “is he the right guy for me?” To me, that is plain takde penyakit cari penyakit. Lagi pun, walaupun masih ada masa nak so-called think it through and change your mind selagi tak berkahwin... I feel that, despite all the real fights we are having, these past few months have been our best yet.

I am not having cold feet about my marriage. I am having cold feet about decisions. Mutual, let’s-make-everyone-happy decisions.

I don’t really accept changes very well, even though I adapt pretty fast. I will either clam up at change or worst still, cry my eyeballs out until I am able to fully accept something. In other words... bila ada changes, I need time to let it sink in. There’s a difference between accepting one thing and adapting to the situation.

Adapting is my forte. Accepting is a force to be reckoned with. To me at least.

The changes we are (or may be) going through... were changes we didn’t expect would come our way, much less something we were searching for. But it came and landed at our feet. I do not know now, whether to call it an opportunity or a distraction. Either way, we are trying our level best to make sure that the decisions we make are ones based on clear and unimpaired judgment.

We had a long discussion on Friday and we both surprisingly took it very... civilly. I was being scared old me and him, the old Gung-ho style guy. We had a very fruitful discussion. I asked everything I had to ask and had the whole of Saturday to wrap the idea around my head. Today, when we had dinner together, I could talk about it, without being scared of it although I’d be honest that I haven’t accepted it yet.

Bila baca blog orang, ramai yang kata... dekat-dekat nak kahwin, mesti ada semacam rezeki pengantin. Memang pun, Alhamdulillah. And sometimes, rezeki itu datang bukan dalam bentuk barang nak letak atas dulang etc. saja, tapi dalam bentuk yang lebih besar yang menyebabkan kita rasa seperti jantung nak berhenti seketika.

Macam mana nak react kepada rezeki (atau dugaan) yang kita tak pernah terfikir akan datang atau yang kita tak pernah minta yang tiba-tiba kunjung tiba dalam hidup kita?

Rezeki jangan ditolak, musuh jangan dicari? That phrase. It has never been as meaningful as it is right now. Dugaan juga datang dalam bentuk yang menggembirakan? Yang mana satu yang kita perlu percaya?

Tapi, at the same time, saya rasa satu kerugian yang amat besar sedang berlaku. At the same time, rasa macam semua penat lelah selama ini semacam tak pulang modal lagi and I was hoping for a bit more. Just a little bit more.

But who am I to say. Kerja Allah memang suatu misteri yang tak semestinya mempunyai jawapan.

One more thing to be clarified and I made myself crystal clear that there is a certain threshold I am willing to tolerate.

One more thing and our lives are about to change.

I told him tonight that maybe, this was the way things are supposed to be?

I do not know, much as I want to know all the answers to this life.

Alot is going on in my life right now. Work-wise, relationship-wise, family-wise.

Heavy stuff going on, right? Make my life easy for me. Please.

It is cryptic because it was meant to be that way.

For me to know, and for you to probably never find out. I had to let this off my chest.

And for once, Mamita and Jaja, I didn't call you girls. I needed to think about this on my own.

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)


Anonymous said...

let's work something else shall we?

there is no need for unnecessary problem like those buggers.


Haneesa said...