I have gone through this life thinking of what I really want to do and what I plan to achieve out of it. But I have to admit that to a certain extent, I am not a dreamer. Not in the sense where I know exactly what it is that I want, or how it is that I plan to get to it.
And I know that that’s a very bad thing.
I keep coming to the same job every single day, complaining about the same people, doing the same things and thinking that “good things come to those who WAIT”.
Little did I know that there is very little truth in that. Good things only come to those who strive for good things. And to have good things, we need to dream. Even if it is just a little dream. I reassessed my position and realised that I too, like many of you want many things in life. They may not be extraordinary, but that doesn’t make me want them any less.
Realising that there are actually things which I desire, I have learnt from many of my mistakes (and of others’) that even if something doesn’t interest me, it doesn’t mean that I can remain in my oblivion. I can’t keep my head buried in the sand and hope that the world would work its wonders for me, or worst still, for it to be on a standstill just because I am scared to face it head on.
And moreover, I most certainly should not be so easily satisfied and claim that I am redha with whatever it is that Allah has mercifully granted to me. Because, during the tazkirah by the Ustaz who came to my parents’ house for takbir Aidilfitri, I learnt that you can only claim that you are redha if you have done everything in your power to make things better for yourself and to make yourself a better you.
I found that I kept second guessing myself. Have I done enough to be a better me?
And I have come to the realisation that the only way for me to become a better me is through knowledge. Ignorance is bliss but knowledge is power. They are hackneyed expressions told time and time again but they ring truth. By gaining more knowledge, we are only helping ourselves.
You may find this hard to believe but I have been keeping my head buried under the sand for the most part of my life. And trust me, even pulling it out slowly from the sandbox scares the living daylights out of me.
But through my mistakes (and of others’), I know that I do not want to be the people I don’t want to be. I don’t want to die dreamless. I don’t want to leave this world without leaving a mark. I don’t want people to think of me as weak. I don’t want to leave my children and family behind with my mistakes and regrets and for them to not be proud of me. I don’t want them to clean up after me and slog doubly hard just because I was irresponsible throughout my life.
And most importantly, I do not want them to learn, most certainly not from me, that we can live this life without striving for better.
That is pasrah, not redha.
And that can only start with change. And change starts from me. From now.
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