thank you, history.
Many people think that history has got nothing to do with them. And that’s only because history has absolutely nothing very little to do with us, unless of course, we start relating ourselves with great, great ancestors whom we have never met.
But contrary to that thought, history has got everything to do with us. And that’s especially so if you’ve carved a path for people to trace, and developed traits or done things which people seem to be unable to forget.
When I was 17, I lent my then boyfriend RM160, for what he claims to be expenses for repairing his car, for which he had no money for. I admit that I was stupid, very vulnerable and perhaps, I was also temporarily insane, but I did it. I lent him that money. Turns out that that money was spent on buying his telephone credit which he used to cheat on me. How convenient. Aren’t I a supportive girlfriend? Belum kahwin pon dah sanggup bermadu.
Since then, my parents have always had this stigma about what I did with my money. They wondered where my scholarship money (which I have never failed to treat them with) went to. They always wondered if I was vulnerably funding someone for a bad cause. They were always secretly suspicious that I was careless with my money. Even if they didn’t say it straight to my face, I could always read it between the lines. Always. And guess what? It’s been 7 years and they haven’t forgotten that one off incident.
The command they’ve been giving me for the past seven years and probably until I die would be: “show me the money.”
Just to clear the air, I’ll tell you that I paid for my friends’ air tickets upfront when we planned a trip. For all 4 of us. When I started working, I survived on my savings for 2 months (and I had balance from it to pay for my convo fees and managed to buy shoes and go out every weekend) before I got my first paycheque. Please go figure where I put my money at.
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Since I first sat behind the wheel, I have been involved in 2 major road accidents. And both accidents involved my mom’s and my dad’s car hitting something when I was reversing. Since I got my Kembara, I have never hit anything. It has gone to the workshop for repairs, but that’s due to its very high mileage and also old age. And of course, like most girls, I hardly check my engine, so damage is normally done by the time the car is “admitted” to the “hospital”.
But just like the money incident, some people can’t seem to get over the fact that I am an extremely cautious driver now. You can ask anybody who has been in the car with me and they will tell you that far from that careless, reckless driver I once was, I am now better. I may not be perfect, but better. I manoeuvre better, I negotiate bends better, I am calmer with traffic.
But you see, just because I was involved in those accidents, some people find it funny to say things like, “we came home in one piece” after a long journey and the list of hurtful remarks goes on and on and on. Though they think they were joking, it’s extremely demoralising when absolutely no one acknowledges your growth and maturity and improvement. It’s very hurtful.
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And for the life of me, I don’t know why I’m attracted to bad/naughty boys. My then boyfriend whom I lent money to is now rotting away in jail and the one before the one now is MIA almost all the time. But I know he’s not doing anything much with his life because doa orang teraniaya selalu dimakbulkan. Dan saya yang teraniaya.
Anyone who knows my now boyfriend will be forever asking themselves what the crap I am doing with him. The most skema girl in school is with the most flirtatious guy in town. See, I still am very attracted to naughty people and I don’t know why. And just because he has a terrible history with other people, does that really mean he can’t change/hasn’t changed for the better.
Some people have the cheek to question me. I totally understand it if it’s out of genuine concern (especially if it comes from my close friends whom have seen me go through all the ups and downs) but if it comes from some people I have met and talked to in passing (or those who feed on livefeed at FB like hungry piranhas and have never talked one measly word to me), please tell me where your authority lies, that you know so much who the more suitable guy for me is.
So you see. That’s what history does to us. It scars us and follows us to our death. There are some things that we do and have done which will always be remembered for. And almost all the time, the things people remember are those which are infamous, bad and most of all, things we try to forget and have tried improving on, but they never take note of.
Perhaps I shouldn’t have grown up at all?
Perhaps I shouldn’t have improved at all?
Perhaps I shouldn’t have gotten such good grades?
Perhaps I shouldn’t have behaved too well?
After all, all everyone is ever going to remember are things which I now want to forget. And no one is ever going to remember the things I'm good for.
Thanks to history.
But contrary to that thought, history has got everything to do with us. And that’s especially so if you’ve carved a path for people to trace, and developed traits or done things which people seem to be unable to forget.
When I was 17, I lent my then boyfriend RM160, for what he claims to be expenses for repairing his car, for which he had no money for. I admit that I was stupid, very vulnerable and perhaps, I was also temporarily insane, but I did it. I lent him that money. Turns out that that money was spent on buying his telephone credit which he used to cheat on me. How convenient. Aren’t I a supportive girlfriend? Belum kahwin pon dah sanggup bermadu.
Since then, my parents have always had this stigma about what I did with my money. They wondered where my scholarship money (which I have never failed to treat them with) went to. They always wondered if I was vulnerably funding someone for a bad cause. They were always secretly suspicious that I was careless with my money. Even if they didn’t say it straight to my face, I could always read it between the lines. Always. And guess what? It’s been 7 years and they haven’t forgotten that one off incident.
The command they’ve been giving me for the past seven years and probably until I die would be: “show me the money.”
Just to clear the air, I’ll tell you that I paid for my friends’ air tickets upfront when we planned a trip. For all 4 of us. When I started working, I survived on my savings for 2 months (and I had balance from it to pay for my convo fees and managed to buy shoes and go out every weekend) before I got my first paycheque. Please go figure where I put my money at.
**************
Since I first sat behind the wheel, I have been involved in 2 major road accidents. And both accidents involved my mom’s and my dad’s car hitting something when I was reversing. Since I got my Kembara, I have never hit anything. It has gone to the workshop for repairs, but that’s due to its very high mileage and also old age. And of course, like most girls, I hardly check my engine, so damage is normally done by the time the car is “admitted” to the “hospital”.
But just like the money incident, some people can’t seem to get over the fact that I am an extremely cautious driver now. You can ask anybody who has been in the car with me and they will tell you that far from that careless, reckless driver I once was, I am now better. I may not be perfect, but better. I manoeuvre better, I negotiate bends better, I am calmer with traffic.
But you see, just because I was involved in those accidents, some people find it funny to say things like, “we came home in one piece” after a long journey and the list of hurtful remarks goes on and on and on. Though they think they were joking, it’s extremely demoralising when absolutely no one acknowledges your growth and maturity and improvement. It’s very hurtful.
****************
And for the life of me, I don’t know why I’m attracted to bad/naughty boys. My then boyfriend whom I lent money to is now rotting away in jail and the one before the one now is MIA almost all the time. But I know he’s not doing anything much with his life because doa orang teraniaya selalu dimakbulkan. Dan saya yang teraniaya.
Anyone who knows my now boyfriend will be forever asking themselves what the crap I am doing with him. The most skema girl in school is with the most flirtatious guy in town. See, I still am very attracted to naughty people and I don’t know why. And just because he has a terrible history with other people, does that really mean he can’t change/hasn’t changed for the better.
Some people have the cheek to question me. I totally understand it if it’s out of genuine concern (especially if it comes from my close friends whom have seen me go through all the ups and downs) but if it comes from some people I have met and talked to in passing (or those who feed on livefeed at FB like hungry piranhas and have never talked one measly word to me), please tell me where your authority lies, that you know so much who the more suitable guy for me is.
So you see. That’s what history does to us. It scars us and follows us to our death. There are some things that we do and have done which will always be remembered for. And almost all the time, the things people remember are those which are infamous, bad and most of all, things we try to forget and have tried improving on, but they never take note of.
Perhaps I shouldn’t have grown up at all?
Perhaps I shouldn’t have improved at all?
Perhaps I shouldn’t have gotten such good grades?
Perhaps I shouldn’t have behaved too well?
After all, all everyone is ever going to remember are things which I now want to forget. And no one is ever going to remember the things I'm good for.
Thanks to history.
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