I'll be there for you.

I often wonder why, as people grow older, they tend to grow apart.

(Now, that was a rhetorical question.)

Because married or not, with child or without, jobless or not, we have to come to terms with what we know as the perils of adulthood, one of which is growing apart while growing up.

And because most of us understand this, we tolerate. We tolerate silences, absences, time alone, time with our own families, personal ordeals and family problems not being aired in the open and when we do meet up, we make the best out of what we have. Forgive and let live.

But then again, how much can we forgive and let live, actually?

I have come to that point in my life where I have become indifferent about losing certain people in my life.

I realised this after I lost all of my contacts on my phone one day and actually laughed about it. It just didn't seem to matter as much as it did before. With important contacts committed to memory, I took that as a sign that I should just let go of the people who have not been there by choice; you know those who forget to wish you birthdays, who didn't bother to ask about your life, your son, your family and just generally those who think that it was okay to not be in touch because we're probably going to forgive and let live anyway.

Well, I decided that if I wasn't important enough for you, then you'll stop being important to me. 

It's what we call reciprocity.

With that, I also had some kind of revelation about the kind of person I really am. 

Wasn't I the one who people said would disappear without a trace after school? Wasn't I the one who needed so much rescuing from being a sad lonely loner who didn't mind her own company? Wasn't I the cold-hearted one who couldn't forget not matter how much she claims she forgives? I was actually just as bad as those who didn't keep in touch with me, because my egotism kept me from starting the ball from rolling.

Having come to that realisation, I decided to be in touch with the people who matter; those whose numbers I have committed to memory and those who always had me in their thoughts. It didn't matter to me anymore if I was being nosy or that that very important person (to me) didn't start the conversation first. I didn't mind being the one who began.

And it felt so good.

It felt so good to be in contact and to know that somewhere out there, my number hasn't been deleted (yet) from that person's Contact List. It also felt good to comment on people's status updates or problems on Facebook (which I was previously really reluctant to do, I don't know why, so don't ask!), because isn't that the whole point of a virtual social networking tool - for you to come together and network! So come together I did.

And I know I've said it before but I'll say it again, yes, it feels really good. 

So even if one of the perils of adulthood is growing apart while growing up, there are ways for us to always let the other person on the other side of the line or world know how much we care and that we'll always be (physically/virtually) "there". 

***

p.s.: Din, if you ever read this, you know credits go to you for the "perils of adulthood" phrase. As you can obviously see, I love it! Hahaha

tiga perkara.

In between the squealing, joking and poking fun at each other, we found some time for serious talk during the Express Party we had here. 

One of us told us a story about the 3 things in life, though she couldn't remember where the story is sourced or who told it to begin with. 

But it made alot of sense to me and I have held on to it eversince, intending to share it whenever I can, so here goes. 

In life, we actually need only 3 things; time, money and energy.

But, Allah has made it such that in life, we can only have 2/3 things at any one time. 

When we are young, we have all the time and energy in the world, but no money to spend.

When we start working, we have all the energy and money to spend, but no time to spare.

When we are old, we have all the time (again) and this time money to spend, but we no longer have the energy to do so. 

 It got me thinking about people who have it all. 

It also got me thinking about people who don't have it all. 

And I think whether you have it all or you don't, you're probably being blessed or tested or both. 

But the answer to that? Only God knows. 

when the worst turned out to be better.

This is probably the first time after 10 days that I have some time to myself. This is the first time in 10 days that I'm not exhausted to my bones so much so that by the end of the day, whatever energy I have left can only be used to put myself to sleep. This is also the first time in 10 days that I've switched my laptop on and still, many think that since I had 10 days off from work, I would have all the time in the world to do anything I like. 

But you see, sickness is not a choice. And sickness knows no boundaries. It inflicts without caring about one's age, or medical history or background. 

I've got to say that I was shocked this time round, though hats off to us both (my husband and I) for handling the situation so swiftly. 

We thought we've done everything we could to avoid it; pre-washed all his clothes, aired his shoes after use, cleaned the house, change bedsheets and towels more frequently (like everyday for Luqman) and just generally maintained a cleaner lifestyle than before, but alas...

Kun fa ya kun. 

Luqman was again diagnosed with HFMD (hand foot mouth disease) for the second time. Many have asked us what the symptoms are and for us, the biggest giveaway was his excessive drooling. And this was caused by the ulcers in his mouth. 

This time round was extra challenging for us because it inflicted his mouth area and with that, he couldn't drink, couldn't eat, drooled a whole lot and guess what... it was so painful, he even refused to breastfeed. And because of that, he was always cranky and hungry and kept us up all night long, which in turn made us tired and sleepy and with that my health took for the worse too.

Only god knows how exhausting it has been, but in retrospect, I've got to say that just like the last time, I thoroughly enjoyed my time at home. Even if it was under such unfortunate circumstances, getting to spend uninterrupted time with my 2 boys is really something I appreciate, regardless.

xxx

AND guess what? I wrote that some time last weekend and only now do I have some time alone since I'm back at work.

Obviously I can't remember what it was that I wanted to write about earlier, but I guess it doesn't matter what I thought then.

What I do think now is this; 

Just prior to Luqman getting sick, I came back home from work at midnight or past midnight almost daily. Of course I made time for my family during the weekends and extended holidays but work was really taking a toll on our relationship as a family, as a whole.

So, when Luqman fell sick, much as I hated to see him in such sickly state, I thanked Allah for giving me a way to make up for all that lost time. I know it's kind of twisted to think of it that way, but that was the only hikmah I could see behind him suddenly falling sick despite everything we've done.

Besides, I have been thinking about taking a long leave next week anyway, to spend some time ALONE. I guess Allah has BETTER plans for me, by telling me that well, honey, you'd be bored to death in that house so I'll let you spend some time with your boys instead.

And just like the last time, those 10 days in January just gave me my much needed boost as a mother and wife, as I've never felt so much love as I felt in the past week.

Now that February is here, all I can say is "Bring It On!"

February, after all (for obvious reasons), has always been one of my favourite months of the year.

;)

express.

23/365.

Seriously, has it only been 23 days? Why do I feel like months have passed and that we're so far into the year already???

I guess it's because I didn't take leave at the end of last year and so happens, when this year started, all  projects assigned to me decided it was funny to get active at the same time! Altogether now, they say!

So, I've been feeling really tired. Like, seriously, really dead tired!

Be that as it may, in a weird and twisted way, despite the long hours and the after effect that follows, I've been happy. Happy because I have been productive and happy because my brain has been tested in a way I never thought it would be. Also, I've been happy because I've been given the opportunity to learn so many new things; things I never in a million years thought I would even know. 

It has actually also been a very good month because of all the free leaves we get from the public holidays,  which I have made full use of to spend with friends and family alike. 

Like how we had an Express Bachelorette Party for our dearest Dekda on 14 01 14. 

***

The initial plan was to have a really grand and elaborate one with beautiful decor, yummy desserts, games and the whole shebang. We were planning things really well, divided the work up and everyone was doing a good job out of the tasks assigned to them. 

It had to be perfect because we were planning for THE PARTY PLANNER! 

Yes, Dekda plans parties with her eyes closed. So, yeah. No pressure, girls! None at at all. 

Yeah. Right. 

Thing is, like I said, that was our INITIAL PLAN. Suddenly, after all that planning and booking and thinking, the bride-to-be was assigned for an outstation job!!! In Sabah, no less! I mean like, seriously??? After all we went through! Sheesh! So, we called everything off. Took the event down from our list of events on FB, and cancelled all plans. And of course, with that being cancelled, some of us made some other plans too. 

When SUDDENLY. 

I get a frantic Whatsapp Message from Aleng early morning on 14 01 14, saying that the outstation assignment was cancelled! T___T

Since it was still early, we thought that maybe, just maybe, there was still some time to plan a quick party. We were frantically waking people up from their slumbers and gathering as many people we possibly could to come join the party because that was the only date we had. And out of the 15 people who originally said they could make it, 7 of us turned up despite the short notice.

And credits to Ayeem, our party planner extraordinaire, the party was nothing short of a party. We had "party hats" and friendship bracelets to bring home to remember how wonderful that day was. 

At the end of the day, the most important thing was that we got to spend some time celebrating the bride-to-be, presented her with the the pretty Pandora charm we bought for her and that we all had a great heart-to-heart session, talking about everything under the sun. We sure do hope that she had as much fun as we did ;)

It didn't go as planned, no doubt, but what we had, it wasn't so bad. In fact, it wasn't bad at all.

Here's to hoping that Dekda will be blessed with a beautiful union and that marriage would bring her happiness!

We'll be seeing you soon, in sha Allah!

***

Oh, by the way, we had the party at Flora@Hampshire Place and I totally recommend the place. 

The decor was lovely, they had backdrops where we could take photos at, meaning there was really no need for us to take time to decorate the place ourselves, the food was lovely (at least my nasi goreng daging was!) and I thought it was priced quite reasonably! No booking fees required PLUS, the staff was really, really and I mean really helpful and friendly. They volunteered to join the tables and to move them around so that the backdrop would be right behind the bride-to-be, they volunteered to take the ice cream cake off us to be put into the chiller, they volunteered to take our photos and they put up with all the noise we made (yes, you'd be surprised to know how much noise 7 people can make!) so that was the total winner! 

So, check it out for yourselves for your next party, okay!

all I needed.

20/365.

Pouring my heart out (read: here) was a good move. Not only was I able to see what it was that was bugging me so much, it also, in a way, enabled my husband to help me save myself. 

I know it sounds dramatic and I know that many people fear of talking about how motherhood sometimes takes a toll on them, for fear of being labelled ungrateful which I frankly sometimes fear as well, but let's face it; it does sometimes take a toll on you in a way you never imagined it would. 

I guess my husband understood that, or maybe he didn't but he still acted like he did, and decided to extend a helping hand - by proving to me that I needed a break.

Of course he didn't suggest a beach getaway or anything of the sort (he knew I would resist the idea of leaving Luqman behind), but instead he suggested that we spend just a couple of hours running errands and grocery shopping together, while Luqman was busy following his Atuk around for an evening ride. That I could live with, I thought. 

You see, the reason behind my hesitance is because I am just not used to dropping my baby off at somebody else's place, under somebody else's care, just so I could go out on a date with my husband. I just can't bear the thought. Sure his grandparents love it when he's around, but that doesn't mean I should take them for a ride, right?

Well, anyway.

After much deliberation (still!), I decided Luqman wouldn't miss us too much while we're gone since he'd be out too. Plus, he wasn't at all pleased when he saw his Atuk getting into the car without him and I wasn't about to put up a fight with Luqman for that. 

So, off we went. For just a couple of hours.

And though we were shopping for diapers, speed shopping some other groceries and toiletries, and basically didn't buy anything much (since we bought a little something something at Mac City which cost a bomb, ehem), those couple of hours away from my baby made me appreciate him even more. Of course, the uninterrupted "jalan-jalan pegang tangan macam muda mudi punya zaman" with my husband in a way rekindled our relationship too.

Turns out that all I needed was a break. 

Even if it was that kind of break. 

I came back a happier person, "saved" from the brink of "insanity".

Good for me!

;)

let's take a walk in my park.

I figured that it's better if I write about my feelings; about things that are bothering me; things that are coming straight from the heart. 

Just so I set the record straight. So that I know what exactly it is that needs to be done to make myself happy.

Here goes. 

***

This year, I will be 29 in February. 

A part of me feels that I feel this way, (this way being not being sure of what I really feel) because I just don't know what someone of my age should be thinking about or should be feeling or should really be doing.

And to be honest, I don't feel my age. Just a few days ago, my cousin turned 21. 21, okay! Each time I look at her, I always see her as the 15 year old kid, in all her innocent adolescence, because I always think that my sister is still 14. Turns out that my sister will be turning 20 this year and I can't even digest that, so how on earth am I supposed to digest that I am actually 29???

Is there a standard set of rules on how I'm supposed to act and react to each given situation? Is there a certain number of children I am supposed to already bear? Is there a certain amount that I am supposed to already earn? Is there?

***

Work.

At work, I always think of myself as very junior. You see, in the Public Sector, we are expected to toe a certain line for the first few years, until we gain the required trust needed to carry out the job. Thereafter, when we've gained enough leverage, we're allowed some empowerment and our voice will finally be heard. It's a long, hard way up, but it's worth it. But even when I have climbed up the ranks accordingly, out of habit, I still maintain the same demeanor, as though I am still very junior.

Until some officer comes up to me and greets me with, "Morning, Puan."

And I am reminded that hey, I am his/her colleague, and most of the time I view myself as their peer, but they see me as a superior; one they look up to for answers, one who calls some shots and makes decisions. 

Although power may appeal to some, to me, "with great power comes great responsibility". There are times when I even feel like I'm really not ready for this. Really, I'm not. But I also remind myself that I am paid a little more now for it and that money needs to be hard earned.

***

Motherhood. 

With my husband and I working late almost everyday, I sometimes wonder how many percent of my son is really from our upbringing. Like, seriously, think about it. He spends 8/9 hours at school, which is the same amount of time I spend at work and when we both get home, he's hungry for attention and I'm just plain hungry. And tired and sleepy. Sometimes, I just want to cook to take my stress away, but he's hanging on to my legs, crying, like his life depends on it and I find myself getting angry for the "alone time" that I don't get. 

How terrible of me, right? How terrible of me to feel that after 8/9 or more hours away from him. 

I sometimes wonder what it was that I did that made him THAT clingy. I sometimes wonder why it is that he can't let me go to the loo in peace without making a big fuss out of it, I don't know why he won't let me pray without crying like he's being abused or worst still tugging at my telekung until it comes off, until I have to start praying again and again and again, I don't know why he won't sit in the stroller so that I can multitask better after work, i.e. do some grocery shopping or just take a stroll in the park, I don't know why he can't mind himself for just a few minutes without whining for me to pick him up. I don't know why he doesn't want to eat properly, which in turn makes him hungry, which in turn, makes him wake up so many times at night, and in those times, he would refuse the bottle and make me breastfeed him until he is satisfied, which is NEVER.

And since I'm not that hitting, membebel or shouting type, I throw him a silent treatment. 

And that's when he would look at me with those eyes of his and call me "Mamaaaa" repeatedly, complemented with the most dazzling smile and that's what makes me feel like crap the most.

But I can't help the things I think; which makes me feel even more guilty. 

Sometimes, he just wants to play and he wants me to play with him. Isn't it normal that on some days he just wants to cuddle, play hide and seek and read story books together and that on some days he just doesn't mind watching Upin dan Ipin alone and that on some other days he's just moody and broody and just wants to cry. He is, after all, just like us, with different moods on different days.

But no. The silly old selfish me strives for a perfection that can never be, where toddlers and motherhood is concerned. The silly me expects the house to still look pristine and that her son would stop playing with the shoes or peeing on the floor or whining for attention or touching everything he sees or expects me to offer whatever it is I am nibbling on, even it's not good for him. And the silly old me would get threatened or offended for not being able to bring my kid to the park everyday or not being able to read or play with him everyday because there are just some days when I'm just not up for it and I would mock-sleep so that he wouldn't bother me. Thing is, there's no one judging me or offending me to begin with, which just makes this whole situation sillier said aloud than it sounds in my head.

And all the while, I forget that I once promised myself to not be that kind of mother; the mother who would mind doing things for and with her child. I forget that motherhood is supposed to change you... for the better. That the reason why he was programmed to ask for everything I am eating is probably because whatever I am eating isn't even good for me either (sweets, coffee and junk food, for instance), which is why I am so very reluctant to offer them to him. I also forget that the housework can wait but that my boy wouldn't. And that at some point, he would grow up so fast I would wish he would slow down. In fact, I think he's growing up so fast right now, and I'm just failing motherhood terribly by not cherishing it.

I know nobody said it was easy. But I also wish I wasn't so hard on myself.

***

In a nutshell.

These are some of the things constantly fogging my head. 

As I write these few last sentences, I'm tearing at the fact that I can't even control the thing I should have most control over, which is my mind, which in turn, has affected me the most especially where motherhood is concerned. 

I've got a feeling that this year is definitely not going to be a walk in the park. But that doesn't mean it won't be wonderful. It shall be wonderful, I'm sure.

♥

Friday morning, rain is falling.

Well, it did sort of stop at about 7 a.m., but still, getting out of bed was so, so difficult. 

I wonder if you know this feeling I'm currently feeling; the one where you feel like you have so much to say/write/express, and yet, there's nothing much you can say because you just can't put them into words.

It's only 10/365 and I'm already overwhelmed. With work, with guilt, with gratitude, with happiness and a tad bit of confusion. 

I'm not going to jump the gun and say that this year is going to be tough or mundane or anything of the sort, like I did last year. Because to be very honest, I don't know what this year is going to be like. I don't think anyone really knows.

There's so much to look forward to and yet the very same things are the ones giving me jitters and butterflies in the stomach. If that makes any sense at all, that is.

All I know is that my only resolution this year, is to be responsible for my own happiness, however that happiness is defined. And that seems to have put the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Oh, the irony.

reality check.

Day 8/365. 

Phew. 

This year began with a great big bang - of course because we turned 3! 

But other than that reason, that great big bang was because of the our surrounding circumstances. 

You see, in life, planning is an important aspect. How many times have we heard people saying that "if you fail to plan, you plan to fail" phrase?

But equally important (which people tend to forget) is the execution of those plans. You can plan things in your head and dream your dreams, but if you don't execute them well, then what good are those plans?

My husband's been away for a week now and frankly, since I survived those 6 months alone, I think I would most probably survive anything. 

Thing is, this whole week on my own, I've been given some sort of a reality check. While I've gotten used to being left alone to man my fort, to manage my household, to take care of my kid, to prepare meals for my leg-hugging baby, to steal time to do things that need to be done and to do everything else alone - this time round is different. 

Different because this is how it's going to be from now on. This is the permanence we signed up for when we made the decision to jump ship (I say we because we decided together). This is the whole difference we planned for in our heads.

And nothing prepares you for it. No matter how many times you've run through the motions and played simulations of scenarios in your head, nothing prepares you for the silence, the void, the cold, empty other side of the bed, that feeling that you are in this alone. 

I thought I was mentally prepared and frankly, I was. I really was. I knew that I wouldn't let myself break down like how I did previously.

But still, like I said, nothing quite prepared me for the utter emptiness I felt, especially on the first day my husband left. It was drab, total drab! I even decided not to sleep in the master bedroom because it just felt so different. Turns out that I love having him home, even when we don't talk about much anymore about other than our family and our future or don't do much of the activities we used to do as a couple. 

But, we signed up for this, hoping for a better future for us. And I'm pretty sure that after this initial shock, this "trial period", this "orientation week", we'll be just fine.

And because I entered this year with a resolute mind, which is to be responsible for my own happiness, happy is what I shall be.

;)

Oh yes, this self-doubting phase will surely pass.

green, greener, greenest.

When you look to the future,

Don't forget to write to me
...

Bismillah tawakkal al Allah.

Even if the grass is not greener on the other side, I pray and hope that we be granted the strength to water it with pride, so that someday, it would be as green as we'd like it to be.

(nervous)

Rabbi yassir wala tu'assir Rabbi tammim bil khair.

May Allah ease our efforts to ease our own paths.

"Sesungguhnya Allah tidak akan mengubah keadaan sesuatu kaum sebelum mereka mengubah keadaan diri mereka sendiri."(Quran, 13:11)

May Allah reward my husband for his hard work and efforts to provide better for our family.

Amin.

 

tiga.

Akhirnya ku menemukanmu, 

Saat ku bergelut dengan waktu,

Beruntung aku menemukanmu,

Jangan pernah berhenti memilikiku,

Hingga ujung waktu.

...

To many more years, I'm sure, In sha Allah. Amin.

three on three.

Takkan ada lagi cinta yang setara kau dan aku,
kau dan aku. 

seek and you shall find.

Last night, throughout the whole way from Melaka back home, I was reciting the syahadah.

You see, I may not seem like the most pious person physically, but I think about death all the time. Not that it makes much difference to my level of piety I know, but like any other believer, I'm scared that my sins will outweigh my deeds at Judgement Day. I am scared of having to live my "afterlife" (which is forever) burning in hell.

Worst thing is that I have always imagined that I would die in a car accident. 

So, last night was probably one of the scariest nights of my life because I was the one driving. With sleeping baby beside me and my sick husband lying at the back, it really was nerve-wrecking.

When we finally reached home, I was ever so thankful that we made it in one piece, that we were safe and spared any hardship.

Be that as it may, although the whole experience exhausted me, I couldn't sleep. It was past 12.00 a.m.

I did a round of laundry, boiled some water, packed Luqman's school bag, ironed my clothes, laid my weary head on the sofa bed, shut my eyes together real tight and still, I just couldn't sleep. 

Husband suddenly woke up, searched for me and told me he needed something to eat. I fixed him a hot drink and some biscuits and made sure he ate them. Then, my baby called for me and held out his hand for me to scratch, which of course I did, until the itch subsided.

Finally, my baby wedged himself beneath my armpits and fell asleep and my husband then joined us on the bed. Sandwiched between my boys, that was when I finally fell into a slumber, in peace. 

Woke up this morning slightly later than usual, but didn't feel tired. Fixed my husband a simple breakfast, sent Luqman to school, and here I am at work. 

Sometimes I wonder where I get the energy from but of course, it's silly to wonder because I know where it came from. Of course, it came from the prayers answered, from the blessings granted and from the one who lends His help to those who ask for it. 

 I asked that I be granted health, strength, calmness, sincerity and the will to just keep going. All you need to do is ask-

"Is He [not best] who responds to the desperate one when he calls upon Him..." 

Quran, 27:62

And because I knew I couldn't do it alone, I asked. Seek and you shall find.

***

I admit that there are times when wonder why I am tested in certain ways in which I don't understand especially at times when I have already preplanned the way I'd like to feel. Like for example, 3 years ago, I had planned what I'd like my December to be like, how happy I was going to be, how wonderful I was going to look and how much I'd love for my loved ones to be just as happy as me.

But, like I previously said, we can only plan. Maybe I wasn't meant to feel so happy to the point of being delirious because I tend to forget to say my thanks and to count my blessings in such state of euphoria. Perhaps it has been preordained by the "higher forces" for me to "suffer" before I am "relieved". 

Because it is in times of helplessness such as this that I always seek for spiritual guidance, more than usual, in whatever form possible. I guess therein lies the answer; that I am tested so that I will not run astray from the right path, so that I will always remember to be grateful.

This time, instead of feeling sorry for my state of being, for the calamities that have befallen me, for the plans I have planned in my head that will probably go un-executed, I feel thankful for the realisation that I am tested because He loves me and that I have started to come to terms with the purpose of living -

"When someone begins to understand his purpose in life, he will know that he is being tested either to gain reward from Allah or to gain atonement for his sins."
- La Tahzan

So here's to hoping that my sins will be expiated and my good deeds will be rewarded and that my New Year will begin on the right foot towards Jannah.

Amin.