January 11, 2011

I’d go back to December

Dear Bride-to-Be’s,

This is going to be a ‘lil bit personal.

The following is something I wrote on 1 August 2010. It was about 2 weeks after I got engaged. Little did I know that I would one day look back at those words of caution and appreciate them with all my heart and feel a twinge of regret that I spoke too soon. Way too soon.

click for larger view.

My world basically came apart about 2 months prior to the events.

The details of whatever I went through prior to my wedding are not for public consumption, of course. But safe to say that with lots of do’a and a strong support system, you’d be able to stay safe and most importantly… sane.

I remained calm because of an extremely strong support system. And of course, having a very high pain threshold sort of does wonders as well.

All I can say is that sometimes, when preparing for the wedding, we lose sight of the bigger picture, which is the marriage itself. And no, we are not to blame for it. I used to think that B2Bs shouldn’t be too clouded; that they should know well enough how to demarcate the wedding preparations and the marriage itself.

But, after having gone through such experience myself, all I can say is that… you really can’t help it. You try and you end up being a monster. You try and you drive yourself crazy. You try and you drive your partner crazy (worst case).

You end up saying hurtful words to the people you love, your parents end up saying hurtful words to you. You pull faces and refuse to be happy. You make an issue out of everything. Everyone makes you an issue. And the vicious cycle continues and you can’t help it because Vicious is a strong, strong character.

If anyone reading is one who knows me personally and well enough, they would know that I am not that kind of person. In the words of an old friend, “Kakak is the least likely to be a Bridezilla me thinks”. I thought so too. And never in a million years did I think that I would be like what I was prior to the wedding.

To be honest, I had plans on how I wanted my December to be. I had plans on what I wanted to write a month prior to The Day and every single day leading to my Solemnization. I even anticipated my own feelings. I knew that I would be on cloud 9. I knew that that would be the happiest time of my life.

But actually, I thought I knew. God knows better. It knows BEST.

I was caught by surprise when I couldn’t write any of the things I planned on writing due to the surrounding circumstances. I was surprised when I couldn’t pen down anything. My mind went blank and my heart a ‘lil devoid of necessary emotion and full of unnecessary ones. I cried a whole lot and spent afternoons alone. I became an antisocial. I don’t know why.

I found that I had lost the drive to prepare for my wedding and with that came doubts as to whether I was really ready for the marriage itself. And that’s when the fights began because the Devil (or as Lynn said, “Setan Gemuk”) has managed to at least launch its only Agenda; to make sure that the honest union does not take place.

My advice is to be strong, hold on.

Yes, it is true that you can still turn back and change your mind the moment you have second thoughts about yourself and the person you are about to marry. But ask yourself, “Do I really want to let go of this thing I have waited for all my life?” Even when people tell you that you should walk away and that you should do this and should do that. Ask yourself that question again.

And when you don’t know the answer, Solat Hajat. Read the Quran. It is calming, trust me. Cry all you want and tell God all your insecurities. Believe in that “Bigger Person” when everyone else around you fails you.

I was so engrossed with my preparations and siap fikir how I would feel and what I wanted to do bagai ‘til I forgot that I also need to pray hard to that one and only God who will determine my happiness and sorrow. Turns out that the one thing I needed in the final month was faith. Faith in God - only that. And all I asked for was whatever is best for me.

Because like I said earlier, a marriage is like a gamble the result of which none of us know of.

Setelah selesai semuanya, you have no idea how relieved I feel. Doubts awal-awal tu semua pergi ke mana entah? Tak tahu lah. I don't even know how I managed to look the way I looked like during the Solemnization. Masa Reception tak payah cerita lah since I managed to get ample rest.

It's still a 'lil surreal. It's surreal but wonderful, nonetheless. I felt it the first time dia imamkan solat Maghrib sama-sama and when he said his prayers for the both of us. I don’t think I can trade that feeling with anything in this world.

Somehow, despite everything, I believe that being in a marriage is calming.

It’s settling and I’m settling down. Alhamdulillah.

Whatever your experience may be, cherish it. And like my brother said, "To learn, we must always look back, but at the same time, we should always move forward."

Remember that God will not give you what you cannot handle.

Love, Hanisa.

p.s.: reviews will come up soon. I just left my harddisk at home.

Shy to comment? Well, never mind! Your reactions mean the world to me! Make me smile today :)


tmc said...

the feeling when he imamkan..
incredible isnt it:)

sooo happy for you kakak! *hugs*

barakallahu lakumaa wabarakaa alaikumaa wajamaa bainakumaa fi khayr!:)

Nina said...

Alhamdullillah ;) All is well.

Haneesa said...

tmc: mmg tak boleh describe. masa solat pun rasa nak nanges. heehehe. congrats to you too dear! im so happy that we decided to go down this blissful path :)

nina: yes, Alhamdulillah, all is well. hoping and praying everything goes well for you too!

tasha said...

"it's settling and i'm settling down".

exactly what i'm feeling :)

Helinomics said...

kakak, im so proud of you. you have no idea how sad i was to not being able to attend ur reception. Because i felt like i walked the journey together with you. I felt the way how intricate life could be when u least expected it. And yes, you managed to hold on. You always do :)

My prayers are always with you kakak.
Love always.

Haneesa said...

tasha: Alhamdulillah for the both of us :)

lynn: i was sad you couldn't make it too! tapi of course, we all understand that health comes first esp with your condition, kan? thank you for sharing the entire journey with me and for your endless doa and support plus for always listening in silence from the other end of the phone line. now, take care of yourself and we'll meet up soon okay? ♥